Payne9

This week has been so hard for me. Lots of ups and downs. Me trying to understand why the break up happened, what I could of done better . He text me this today “ Our break up is not about you. It's about us. I need to be in a better space to be healthy enough for that”. Normally when he’s text me something like this I’d feel hopeful he’s going to get help. But someone told me to not focus on his words, focus on his actions. He’s been partying all week, or drinking at home. When I saw him yesterday I could smell beer . When he went pee, I looked and saw many beer cans . He admits he’s an alcoholic, but I haven’t seen any indication of him stopping . I think I was still hopeful since he wanted to get healthier. But I’m letting him string me along. He’s always been adamant cheating is the worst thing anyone can do , but being emotionally unavailable is pretty crappy too . The fact we discussed what our “ round 2” would look like is so unhealthy. Saying we will keep it just between us so no outside influences can bother us. I’ve been reading a lot of the stories on here. My story isn’t special or unique . I went all the way back to when we had been dating a month, he took me to meet his friends, he spilled his beer on my new phone, I said his name. He got up and left me there. I followed him, he yelled at me outside, saying “ you embarrassed me, you yelled at me in front of my friends “ he was crying. I was confused because I hadn’t yelled. He then said “ We’re over “ and he walked away. I drove us there so I got in my car and chased him down(embarrassing). He finally got in the car and we went to his house . I’m reflecting on everything. Like why didn’t I let it end that day .
Or when he took me over his friends house for movie night , and he drank more than anyone else there. He then told me he was sober, got in my 70,000 car, and backed it into a parked car. Again why didn’t I leave then.
My hope is if I keep reflecting I won’t go back . Because what I’m learning is they will keep coming back if we allow them to , after they are done partying or if they get lonely . Idk just some thoughts

sage1969

It is sad to see our qualifiers for the life they really live. I'm sorry that you're feeling sad, but I also see that you are recognising why it's sad. It is a grieving process.

Payne9

it’s so hard . But I’m realizing a lot

PeacefulWater12

Yes, it is incredible when our rose coloured glasses drop away. We see reality as it actually is. Quite a shock.

I went through this and when I look back I wonder how on earth I saw things the way I did before. I had made a very ordinary man into a big obsession in my life which pushed everything else away.

His obsession was alcohol, mine was him!

I am learning so much about myself now I am out the other side.

Payne9

Yep I’m realizing how obsessed I was .And I didn’t even realize it . It still hurts tho

PeacefulWater12

Oh goodness, it hurts beyond belief. The physical pain was incredible. I think for me it lasted a couple months or so. AH passed about 9 months ago, the pain has gone now, as has the obsession. Thankfully.

Now my job is to make sure I don't do it all again with another man!

I didn't realise either how strong the obsession was until it stopped. It engulfed me. Completely.

Glad we are talking about this, it really helps to share with others who understand.

I can now see I did not grieve late husband as a person, the grief I felt was detox from the obsession. The chemical high of being in that toxic rollercoaster of chemicals. My body chemistry is now level and stable. Took quite a while to get used to it.

Payne9

Wow I’m glad we are talking about it too because I’ve barely eaten and been in physical pain. The “ high” from the push/pull. Im relieved It was only a 6 month relationship. So hopefully I’ll feel better sooner . But who the heck knows lol

trailmix

Yes, is saying he needs to be in a "better space" but he never said anything about getting there, because he honestly doesn't want to. So at the very least, he's telling you the truth.

This is kind of a stumbling block. I don't see anything hopeful at all in what he said above. Well nothing hopeful about quitting drinking. It's kind of a softer way of saying he isn't going to try. That may be for you, it may be for him. Saying - I am an alcoholic and I am going to continue to drink - maybe isn't the easiest thing to say, I don't know.

It is sad and it will hurt for a while, that's normal. But it will get a bit better every day.

Payne9

Yea I know it’s over , at least he’s honest he’s going to drink and he knows that’s not okay for me. In a way he did me a favor. I have no reason to be confused . He point blank doesn’t want this relationship and I don’t want to be with an alcoholic so nothing else can be done .

Payne9

I finally blocked him after talking on the phone with him this morning . He told me he loves me , told me he only wants time and space , not me out of his life . Told me he needs to talk to a professional about his drinking and other things . Told me he’s not going to date anyone, if he’s going to be with anyone it’ll be me . Said he still wants to hang out . .. I just listened and said ok. I blocked him because of me not him. He’s had a number for a therapist for a week now and he’s just been partying. So while he might know he needs to quit, he’s saying he’s not ready to . Bottom line is , I don’t want to wait for an alcoholic to decide my future. That’s too unpredictable. If he wasn’t an alcoholic, I’d wait for sure. Because sometimes people need time and space in life , but I have to realize he will always drink. And I have kids, I can’t have him around them .

velma929

No outside influences? Is that helpful, or healthy? I get not being a doormat, or living one's life to satisfy others. But we live in a society with other human beings, and sometimes input from other people can help us to realize where our own blind spots are. "You and me against the world" is a romantic concept. As a widow, I can tell you that people who aspired to such a insular lifestyle don't fare well when something happens to a spouse.

Of course the addict's friends are hostile toward you. If someone got the notion that maybe there could be some other goal besides getting drunk, that could upset the status quo. His friends are convincing themselves that the lifestyle they've chosen is normal, and part of that is being able to point to other people who live like they do. It's like an echo chamber.

Payne9

He tried to tell me his friends said I’m a nice girl but if I’m making him feel the way I do then he needs to be done with me lol! His best friend is an alcoholic too, hence why I wasn’t wanting them to hang out much but that was me trying to control the situation. I know that now. He wants it just us because all his friends doesn’t want us together . His mom and sister don’t want us together either because I was trying to control him he said . His mom enables him. And his sister is trying to teach him how to cut back lol! .. I get it tho , but I can’t stay around in this .

TiredCarpenter

Payne, your partner is in a bewildered place right now. Needs help, but can’t see what the next step is. (Been there)
Having someone calm to talk/lead him down the steps to an AA meeting seems the miracle he needs right now.
{A 12th step}. {maybe make the call}
** If he’s unreceptive to the person, then it’ll probably be years (and more pain) before he ever takes action toward quitting.
Have an AA member go talk to him. You might just save his life.
[your relationship is entirely separate though]
The effort/outcome of trying to help this struggling human being has no particular bearing on the relationship. Try to keep that separate.

Be well.

Payne9

Last Sunday I gave him the number of a therapist that can lead him there, and it’s for free. He hasn’t called the therapist. And then he broke up with me Tues, I don’t think he knows what to do . And everyone besides me enables him. So I get why he’s doing what he’s doing . He thinks time and space from me is going to help him and maybe it will help him go to a meeting . I blocked him because I’m obsessed with him . And it isn’t healthy for me when he’s trying to get help

sage1969

Good for you for blocking him, you need to look out for you.

His actions are speaking louder than his words. He's looking for a drinking buddy, not a partner.

Payne9

Thank you ! I know he needs help and I do fear with him around all the enablers he’s going to get sicker. He’s already had two bouts of pancreatitis and his teeth look bad. He has IBS, gout and high blood pressure. At 37 that’s a lot . But his recovery is his own. I can’t do it for him. I did that for my ex husband, who’s a recovering addict . I took him to NA, his mom and I put him in rehab. None of that got him clean. Him getting his 3 rd DUI is what needed to happen for him to get clean and work a program.
Yes, I’m sad about the situation but he hasn’t hit his bottom

Triggered

Sorry but I have a much more direct take on this... imo, he doesnt want outside contact because someone elses voice of reason might upset his applecart... he doesnt want a third opinion because it may well mean that you take advice that he has no say in.... For me, that is a classic example of control, isolating you from others is always a red flag. He has shown no signs at all about wanting to quit, in fact....everything you describe suggests the opposite. He says that he just wants the two of you alone to make decisions, but thats not strictly true, there are three of you in this relationship, you , him and his addiction.

Payne9

At first I actually was like yea let’s do it because I know his friends doesn’t want him with me . But then I really thought about it , who knows if he’s even told his friends the truth about why we were fighting. His friends think I’m the problem because he told them I was the problem. And it’s his friends he drinks with . Him and his best friend keep coming up with different ways how they are going to “ cut back” and they never do . He’s not even close to being ready to stop and that’s why I’m not waiting while he takes his “ time and space”

LovelyKaya33333

Payne... I am very proud of you for blocking him. You may have to take deep breaths all day so you don't hit that pesky little unblock button ... We are all hear for you if you need any support today. I promise the attachment will fade in time. Maybe not even that much time... my best advice is do WHATEVER it takes to break the cycle of talking to him. Similiar to what they say in AA. They say in AA to alcoholics in the beginning that their only job is to not drink. That is my advice to you for him... If you have to lay in bed all day do it, if you have to workout until you fall asleep do it, if you have to only eat cake all day ...do it... you get the point... What worked for me is allowing myself to induldge in whatever else I needed to in order to help not make contact. For me it was binge watching netflix, working out a bunch, reading on here.... and for me if all else failed I would make a hot tea... cry ( crying helped a lot ) and sometimes take a unisom to just sleep... Like if I could feel myself starting to cave I would check in with myself...cry it out...take an advil Pm and just sleep.... Hope this helps.. Hang in there

Payne9

This really helps! I’ve been in bed all day . I had to block him tho, I kept reaching out for those bread crumbs. I can’t do it anymore . Blocking is helping me hold myself accountable.