I feel like a jerk - is that normal?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: CA
Posts: 5
I feel like a jerk - is that normal?
I have never posted anything anywhere and don’t do social media so this is new territory for me. I just don’t really have friends or family I feel I can talk with honestly. 25 years of marriage and we have been through a lot. When my wife is sober I love her more than ever and enjoy being with her. When she is drinking I don’t even want to be in the same room with her. Like Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. She admits she has a problem but is not open to changing or seeking help. Lately by the time we settle in for the evening she is so drunk I shut down and I feel like I am rude and unloving. She is unable to have a coherent conversation and gets foul mouthed and mean. I am unable to have sex with her and she gets mad at the rejection. She storms out and sleeps in the other room. I lie here thinking about what a jerk I am because I love her and shouldn’t treat her like that. This cycle cannot continue, but what do I do?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
This sounds rough. I am sorry for what brings you here.
If your wife is not open to changing her relationship to alcohol then all that YOU can do is work towards a change with yourself. You do not have to continue on in the situation with a Jekyll and Hyde. You do not have to be with someone who is suffering from active alcoholism. You do not have to participate. You do have choices. Marriage does not mean that we continue to suffer through someone else's addiction. For better or worse.....Ya, I don't know about that.
All you can truly do is focus on yourself and make decisions that are healthy and positive for your life. It is okay to feel irritated. It is okay that you are not happy with how drunk your wife is. You should not be happy about it. Alcoholism destroys a lot of things. Relationships, finances, trust, health, positivity and so so so much more. Your response to your spouses alcoholism is par for the course. Have you considered putting some distance between the two of you? A separation? This would allow for you to have some breathing room and time to think.
If your wife is not open to changing her relationship to alcohol then all that YOU can do is work towards a change with yourself. You do not have to continue on in the situation with a Jekyll and Hyde. You do not have to be with someone who is suffering from active alcoholism. You do not have to participate. You do have choices. Marriage does not mean that we continue to suffer through someone else's addiction. For better or worse.....Ya, I don't know about that.
All you can truly do is focus on yourself and make decisions that are healthy and positive for your life. It is okay to feel irritated. It is okay that you are not happy with how drunk your wife is. You should not be happy about it. Alcoholism destroys a lot of things. Relationships, finances, trust, health, positivity and so so so much more. Your response to your spouses alcoholism is par for the course. Have you considered putting some distance between the two of you? A separation? This would allow for you to have some breathing room and time to think.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,426
Bob, sorry to hear about your situation. You've come to the right place for support in matters that include alcoholism.
Speaking from the drinker's side, negative reinforcement is only going to make it worse.
Maybe pick a good moment to comuninate to her how it makes you feel. Use "I" statements and avoid starting with "you" statements that are only going to put her on the defensive.
While I was drinking, effective communication was nonexistent in my house, and after nearly two years of being sober, it is only slightly better.
Speaking from the drinker's side, negative reinforcement is only going to make it worse.
Maybe pick a good moment to comuninate to her how it makes you feel. Use "I" statements and avoid starting with "you" statements that are only going to put her on the defensive.
While I was drinking, effective communication was nonexistent in my house, and after nearly two years of being sober, it is only slightly better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: CA
Posts: 5
Thank you for your thoughts. For the first time I am thinking of separating and that scares me. I love her so much and have tried not to “define” her by her drinking because she has so many good qualities. But lately I just feel like I have given up on her, given up on us, and given up on myself. I know that is not a good place to be. I appreciate your kind support. Like I said - this medium is new for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: CA
Posts: 5
Yes I have done this and she seems open to that type of communication. But I feel like inside she resents it and thinks I’m judging her. And then she drinks more. I don’t want to give up so I will keep trying. Thanks for the practical reminder.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
She drinks because she's addicted. She may try to blame you, but it is in no way your fault. She's carrying a lot of shame and she's going to be defensive to protect her drinking. She thinks she needs it in order to cope with herself.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
We all judge everyone every day. She probably does resent it. Alcoholics run on anger and resentment. That's pretty much the default setting.
Just take care of yourself. You deserve better.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
We all judge everyone every day. She probably does resent it. Alcoholics run on anger and resentment. That's pretty much the default setting.
Just take care of yourself. You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 93
Hi,
I am really sorry to hear you are going through this and I do hope things will get better.
I am struggling with my own addiction to alcohol so I can only give a bit of insight into how I have lost a relationship due to my drinking. It wasn't until I actually recognised that my drinking was causing the problem that I actually really started to admit to myself fully that I had a problem. I would feel all the shame, the guilt and genuinely sorry but I kept on drinking. I was easily triggered to drink without thinking of the consequences. I blamed everyone else rather than myself for drinking the alcohol. I couldn't really see outside of the box. Just stuck in my own self pity and justifying why I drank. I would get very defensive about my drinking and really go to great extremes to justify it. Just any excuse my addiction gave me. I also turn into a completely different person when drinking and maybe when she is sober that might be the best time to talk things through.
It is nice to hear you mention all her great qualities. My sister told me I change when I drink but when I am sober I am one of the best people she knows and I have a lot of worth. It does mean a lot to hear that when you are feeling really low when alcohol is wrecking your life.
There are a lot of really amazing people on here that can give you a lot of guidence and support so please don't give up on your wife. I am sorry I can't be too helpful but I can only tell you of my own experience and where it led me. I am getting help now though and I am trying to change.
Best wishes
I am really sorry to hear you are going through this and I do hope things will get better.
I am struggling with my own addiction to alcohol so I can only give a bit of insight into how I have lost a relationship due to my drinking. It wasn't until I actually recognised that my drinking was causing the problem that I actually really started to admit to myself fully that I had a problem. I would feel all the shame, the guilt and genuinely sorry but I kept on drinking. I was easily triggered to drink without thinking of the consequences. I blamed everyone else rather than myself for drinking the alcohol. I couldn't really see outside of the box. Just stuck in my own self pity and justifying why I drank. I would get very defensive about my drinking and really go to great extremes to justify it. Just any excuse my addiction gave me. I also turn into a completely different person when drinking and maybe when she is sober that might be the best time to talk things through.
It is nice to hear you mention all her great qualities. My sister told me I change when I drink but when I am sober I am one of the best people she knows and I have a lot of worth. It does mean a lot to hear that when you are feeling really low when alcohol is wrecking your life.
There are a lot of really amazing people on here that can give you a lot of guidence and support so please don't give up on your wife. I am sorry I can't be too helpful but I can only tell you of my own experience and where it led me. I am getting help now though and I am trying to change.
Best wishes
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,580
hi Bob, welcome. It's natural to shut down and detach from someone who is drinking excessively ... they're already 'checked out' from intoxication, so for self-protection it's natural to 'check out' on your side too. This is not your fault. You deserve better than this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,579
Welcome, Bob. You have many good comments already - I'll just add that you are not alone with this. I hope being here will help relieve some of the stress you're feeling, knowing that others understand. I hope you'll keep posting & reading.
We have a Friends & Family Forum too - you may want to take a look.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
And - you certainly do not sound like a jerk.
We have a Friends & Family Forum too - you may want to take a look.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
And - you certainly do not sound like a jerk.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,460
I’m really sorry for what brings you here Bob, but as you can see this is a place great advice and understanding.
Dealing with a spouse in active addiction is hard. I would not judge myself so harshly.
D
Dealing with a spouse in active addiction is hard. I would not judge myself so harshly.
D
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome, and sorry for your situation. I second Hevyn's suggestion to look at the F&F section of the Forum. You are definitely not a jerk for not wanting to put up with it. I have experienced some of that myself and finally had to leave.
Unfortunately, as the addiction progresses, alcohol becomes the most important thing to the heavy drinker. Their body craves it and when they are not drinking they are miserable. But you have no control over her drinking, only she does. Most hard alcoholics will not quit until the consequences become severe, and at that point it is a long road to recovery. Many non-drinkers think the alcoholic spouse will suddenly be back to normal if the drinker stops, but that is not the case. It will take a lot of time and work to heal the brain, get over the shame and learn to live without the emotional crutch. The best thing you can do is protect yourself and give yourself space to think if this is what you want.
Unfortunately, as the addiction progresses, alcohol becomes the most important thing to the heavy drinker. Their body craves it and when they are not drinking they are miserable. But you have no control over her drinking, only she does. Most hard alcoholics will not quit until the consequences become severe, and at that point it is a long road to recovery. Many non-drinkers think the alcoholic spouse will suddenly be back to normal if the drinker stops, but that is not the case. It will take a lot of time and work to heal the brain, get over the shame and learn to live without the emotional crutch. The best thing you can do is protect yourself and give yourself space to think if this is what you want.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 622
I was the drinker and I lost my family over it and I don't blame her one bit. I didn't quit until I wanted to quit. It didn't matter what was said to me good or bad, what legal troubles I had or what my employers where says. It just didn't matter.
A couple years ago I decided that was it and quit.
A couple years ago I decided that was it and quit.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,345
I used to drink too much, (now abstain by MY choice), and was married to an alcoholic for a short time before I became a problem drinker.
In the support group of partners, when everyone was answering, “oh yeah, I’ll be there for him/her when they relapse”, I said “no, I’m going to leave. No one person or thing can compete against alcohol -except the person addicted).
Prayers to you. Broken dreams are tough.
please take care of yourself, distance yourself, at least, so you can see even more clearly.
FF threads really helped me here too.
Welcome to SR❤️😍🥰
In the support group of partners, when everyone was answering, “oh yeah, I’ll be there for him/her when they relapse”, I said “no, I’m going to leave. No one person or thing can compete against alcohol -except the person addicted).
Prayers to you. Broken dreams are tough.
please take care of yourself, distance yourself, at least, so you can see even more clearly.
FF threads really helped me here too.
Welcome to SR❤️😍🥰
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
You may want to try Al Anon. It's for families and partners of those with alcoholism. Find a sponsor and work the steps for YOUR recovery. Everything else will fall into place. Here's a link to our Friends and Family Forum: Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
With love and hugs,
~SB
With love and hugs,
~SB
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