Evoo

About eight years ago I was in a rough place with my addiction, hiding it less well… in constant withdrawals and white-knuckling through work to nightly drinking to passing out. I had lived abroad for years and was suddenly back home with my big, Irish-Italian family where alcohol flowed excessively at every event (still does). This is before I was married and had kids, so late 20s. I was home, between jobs, and I was finding it hard to hide just how drunk I was getting every night.

Then I finally overdid it.

At our annual feast of seven fishes (Christmas Eve, most important tradition) I got very drunk. Sure, most of the men were drunk — but this was worse. Not belligerent, I just passed out. Missed the whole night. I had been drinking all day to ward off a hangover/withdrawals from the night before, and I just passed out during presents and couldn’t stay awake to save my life. My grandfather, my cousins. Everyone was so bitterly sad and disappointed.

But nobody ever mentioned it again.

My parents were upset and concerned, but my dad also was quick to say “oh, good to see you’re better now!” When I’d drink less and not seem too drunk, he applauded me being “back to normal.” God love him, I just don’t think he understood. But I was a mess, and the pressure I felt was to appear “normal” so we could get back to traditions, songs, nights at the pub — so that’s what I did.

My addiction just became more personal, more entrenched, more secret after that.

I don’t blame anyone for their response, they loved me — the were clearly concerned… but not a soul in my family or extended family would’ve suggested sobriety, therapy or treatment. That was for the “real” alcoholics. Therapy? All bogus — headcases — and that went for the entire field of psychology (just pray extra hard at mass). I’d always lived in a world where alcohol was so central to everything divorcing it from your life was literally unthinkable, where the measure of a man was “holding your liquor,” proudly boasting of your “tolerance” while never getting “out of control.” Quite a balancing act for an alcoholic,

But man did I need real help. I muddled through the shame and secret addiction for years. But looking back, I was clueless as to what I really needed and how to get it. And so were all the people in my life.

Then, the game changer.

So my wife is a therapist. We were high school sweethearts and then reconnected nearly a decade later (actually not long after the event in question). She could see through my alcoholism within a couple weeks of reconnecting — and called it exactly that. She told me uncomfortable truths about the nature of addiction. She listened patiently while my AV droned on for months about why I could never give up alcohol — my family reasons. The nostalgia, the history — it’s my “heritage!” I’d get annoyed with her when she didn’t celebrate successful moderation days. We argued when she told me I was in a family of alcoholics and needed to find my own path to health. That just because I was doing good at work didn’t mean I wasn’t an alcoholic. That just because I was doing “better” didn’t mean I was healing or getting to the root of the problem,

But she was right about everything. I still can’t believe the risk she took even marrying me — when I was still “moderating,” an AV-driven mess. I asked her if she knew if I would fully quit someday, she said no… but she loved me and hoped I would.

What a blessing that today I can show her that her bet on me paid off. She’s proud of my work, my sobriety, my posting on SR — and she understands it. There is no bigger champion of my sobriety (it makes everyone else in my life uncomfortable). She’s helped me reframe and continue to navigate through a heavy-drinking family I love in sobriety, and with new understanding and empathy for them, too.

I think she saved my life.

I just wanted to post a thread about my loving wife of six years (now mom to my two kids), and marvel at how lucky I am to have reconnected with someone who could see straight through me, the good and the bad, and see me as worth it. Today when I count my blessings, I’m thankful for her.

Silver11

What a wonderful post! It makes me feel thankful for the people in my life as well. My wife is my biggest backer!

TroubleAfoot

That is awesome!

I am looking for someone to be that sort of inspiration in my life, someone to see me as worth it too.

DriGuy

That was a great story. Your wife was wonderful. Frankly, I don't know why she bothered. Intimate relationships with drunken partners are non starters for me. Maybe it's because there is nothing worse than a reformed drunk. I just don't have her patience or hope. And she is a therapist to boot.

As for your drunk family, I didn't have that. Both my parents never drank, at least as far as I know. But I became an alcoholic anyway, and years later I found out that alcoholism was rampant in my family, especially so on my mother's side. However, my circle of friends were the mirror image of your family, heavy drinkers without a clue about who they were or what alcoholism really was. Passing out at functions labeled me as lightweight, not an alcoholic. It was like an insane comedy, although I didn't like being called "a lightweight." I preferred "a lush" much better. A lush can get plastered and still stand on his own two feet without a lot of help.

This is not a good environment. The last thing an alcoholic needs is misinformation about what he is. Hang onto that woman of yours. She's a genius. You couldn't do any better.

Evoo

Not sure what you mean about reformed drunks — I find many people in recovery to have a lot of empathy, wisdom, patience and joy — and can still be the life of the party. But I’m pushing 40 now and have very different priorities than I did in my 20s.

One part of the story I left out is that she also has struggled in her past with an eating disorder in her youth (we dated all through high school and I was there for much of it) — it’s a lifelong recovery process in its own right that mirrors alcoholism in some surprising ways (and in some ways it’s harder because you can’t abstain from food). Anyway, they use very similar strategies to AVRT and externalization in recovery from eating disorders — so she’s been able to relate to me in ways another partner may not have.

We support each other in health and life and have a lot of fun in the process .

Mizz

GOD BLESS HER!
I am so happy you have a person in your life who understands and is helping you to realize your full potential! WHAT A GIFT!

To read of your gratitude and to read of your strength, determination and recovery is really a joy for me this morning! I am proud of you. I am proud of this forum and the people here who keep fighting the good fight and make their way to recover from active alcoholism/ drug addiction! We are blessed.

Your wife is a shining star in this world!

DriGuy

It was partly a description of me. I can feel compassion for a drunk, and I do, but knowing what I learned about myself and my drinking days, I have no room for intimacy with that sort of person. I have no fantasies about rescuing or reforming a confirmed drunk. It was also meant as humor playing on the stereotype of the reformed this or that being Hell bent on reforming everyone else. But you are right that reformed drunks probably have a better understanding of the problem than normies.

Several years ago I got a call from an old girlfriend from years before, who wanted to explore reopening our relationship. I was about a year sober at the time. In the 20 years that had passed, she had become well known around town as an out of control alcoholic who was drunk everyday. Since I was only a year sober, I assume she probably thought I was still a hard drinker and we might be a good match. Now when we were together before, she was a sweetheart, unusually kind, and a doll too, and she still was, although she was now a drunk. I felt compelled to tell her that I had quit drinking a year before, and her reaction was swift. She said, "No one can ever keep me from drinking. I'm not going to give that up!" While I had no intention of intruding on her desires or needs, I knew a relationship would be short and ending in a clumsy breakup. I passed, and it was disappointed too. But I knew I would soon get tired of being with a drunk every day, and it would be better if we just remained respectful friends. She died a couple of years ago.

I'll go out on a limb and suggest that she may have picked up something about you that told her you might be ready to recover and there was hope. Maybe unlike the rest of your family, there was something about you that foretold of a different future. It may have been different than that old girlfriend of mine, who was adamant and clear about her future as an unreformed alcoholic.

dustyfox

What a great post - I related very much to how your struggled away in 'secret' - being a secret addict is SUCH hard work! Your wife sounds amazing and what a wonderful recovery you have made.

Anna

That's a great post, Evoo.

Evoo

Ah, I do see what you mean. I’ve been in an alcoholic relationship before (we were enabling and encouraging each other’s problem drinking) and it was a bitter and messy relationship — no real communication, co-dependency, insecurity on both sides — not at all fun. We sure drank a lot together, though. I’m not sure there’s a way to have a good or healthy relationship like that.

Sorry to hear that. I think you made the right call, but it’s hard when you genuinely care about someone.

My family is a mix. Lots of drinking, not everyone is an alcoholic — but alcohol accompanies everything. My brother keeps trying to cut back and my sister has now been sober for over a year. Others have mellowed our somewhat as they’ve had kids… but in our 20s all us cousins and uncles did was drink to excess.

with my wife, I think part of it was she never stopped loving me after our four years dating in high school, so she lead with her heart. When we got back together I was working a great job in the city and was a workaholic… so I think the alcoholism took her aback. Apparently I hid it well most of the time (until I didn’t).

Ultimately, though, it was on me to make the decision to be sober, though, and I’m so glad I did. And glad she married me .

TroubleAfoot

It is the same for me. My parents don't drink and my two sisters don't drink. I am the one that is completely different from the entire rest of the family. None of them share my interests or proclivities for things like the outdoors, music, etc. It's really strange and it's like I was born into the wrong family.

But. . . my father has four siblings and two of them are recovering alcoholics. And my father's father was an alcoholic so that seems to be where I got the curse from. We are born into this strange life, dealt our hand of cards, and have to play it the best we can.

Thesaviour

´similar to Billy Connolly's wife.