UGH I want to scream
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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UGH I want to scream
Active alcoholics never really ******* change... I had been doing so good guys... then I talked to him on the phone... huge mistake... We talked for 4 hours and if you knew my story it meant so much after the urgency and way he left me... He apologized and said how much he missed me... he apologized for specific things ... then 2 days later basically took it back by saying he would have never left me if I didn't get upset with him... It was like a dagger... I thought he somehow actually understood the **** show of what his drinking did. I tried to explain if he hadn't been lying almost are whole marriage and if I hadn't caught him in lies I wouldn't have been upset ....ugh I can't believe I bought it ... I feel sick ...and sad and just need support right now...
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I'm sorry. I know it can tear a huge hole in your heart, thinking that they've made changes, then to hear the same **** you swore to yourself you'd never buy again.
Something I realised once I was past the deepest and worst pain of breaking off with my XABF was that just because we love someone does not mean that we are promising a forever to them, that it is more realistic to realise there won't be a forever, and that we can love and still let go knowing they are not meant to be part of our story going forward. I truly thought that if it was really love, then I would be steadfast and loyal and that if the relationship ended it wouldn't be because of me or my actions.
Now I know that I have to love myself first, and let go of what does not serve me. That has actually been the mantra I've been using the last few days:
I release all that does not serve me. I lovingly release all that does not serve me. That which does not serve me, I let go.
Something I realised once I was past the deepest and worst pain of breaking off with my XABF was that just because we love someone does not mean that we are promising a forever to them, that it is more realistic to realise there won't be a forever, and that we can love and still let go knowing they are not meant to be part of our story going forward. I truly thought that if it was really love, then I would be steadfast and loyal and that if the relationship ended it wouldn't be because of me or my actions.
Now I know that I have to love myself first, and let go of what does not serve me. That has actually been the mantra I've been using the last few days:
I release all that does not serve me. I lovingly release all that does not serve me. That which does not serve me, I let go.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by sage1969 
I'm sorry. I know it can tear a huge hole in your heart, thinking that they've made changes, then to hear the same **** you swore to yourself you'd never buy again.
Something I realised once I was past the deepest and worst pain of breaking off with my XABF was that just because we love someone does not mean that we are promising a forever to them, that it is more realistic to realise there won't be a forever, and that we can love and still let go knowing they are not meant to be part of our story going forward. I truly thought that if it was really love, then I would be steadfast and loyal and that if the relationship ended it wouldn't be because of me or my actions.
Now I know that I have to love myself first, and let go of what does not serve me. That has actually been the mantra I've been using the last few days:
I release all that does not serve me. I lovingly release all that does not serve me. That which does not serve me, I let go.
Something I realised once I was past the deepest and worst pain of breaking off with my XABF was that just because we love someone does not mean that we are promising a forever to them, that it is more realistic to realise there won't be a forever, and that we can love and still let go knowing they are not meant to be part of our story going forward. I truly thought that if it was really love, then I would be steadfast and loyal and that if the relationship ended it wouldn't be because of me or my actions.
Now I know that I have to love myself first, and let go of what does not serve me. That has actually been the mantra I've been using the last few days:
I release all that does not serve me. I lovingly release all that does not serve me. That which does not serve me, I let go.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kaya...I hear your sadness and I can relate to that feeling. Obviously, this has been a deeply traumatic experience, for you. The grieving and acceptance of what has happened takes it's own time. It takes as much time as it takes.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,699
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
"I would have never left if you were more chill... you just will never get it"
To expect him to stay that way, to keep that mindset is to believe he is recovering from his alcoholism, which of course he's not. It's that hope thing. He has given no indication that he is going to quit drinking anytime soon.
The only guarantee is that you don't know who will walk in the door or be there when you do or be there when you pick up the phone or text, no way to tell.
Those things you do know. You want him to be the best friend you had, unfortunately, by and large, that guy is gone, or only appears from time to time. It's a weird thing to wrap your head around but it's the truth. Once you (really) accept that, he won't be able to hurt you so much.
I know it looks easy in print - kind of akin to - just move on! But that's not what I mean. Focus will have to shift from what you had and what he was to what he became and what you have now (which can include a lot of wonderful new things for you). That takes really focusing on the here and now. Being grateful for what you have (I'm not saying you aren't, just giving examples). When you catch yourself thinking - I wish we could or it was great when he was - if only he could - you are going to have to stop yourself and say, that's not here, that's not now, that guy is gone (in more ways than one).
That hurts too but over time you will find it doesn't so much because it also reminds you of what you didn't have and helps alleviate the pain of him leaving, over time.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Originally Posted by trailmix
It is sad. You did get the apology, in his alcoholic way. That was his mood of the moment, who knows, maybe he had a day of clarity? But he is an alcoholic, he is going to have mood swings, from day to day or minute to minute. He will be fine and generous and caring on day and moody, snippy, quiet and angry the next, you never know.
To expect him to stay that way, to keep that mindset is to believe he is recovering from his alcoholism, which of course he's not. It's that hope thing. He has given no indication that he is going to quit drinking anytime soon.
The only guarantee is that you don't know who will walk in the door or be there when you do or be there when you pick up the phone or text, no way to tell.
Those things you do know. You want him to be the best friend you had, unfortunately, by and large, that guy is gone, or only appears from time to time. It's a weird thing to wrap your head around but it's the truth. Once you (really) accept that, he won't be able to hurt you so much.
I know it looks easy in print - kind of akin to - just move on! But that's not what I mean. Focus will have to shift from what you had and what he was to what he became and what you have now (which can include a lot of wonderful new things for you). That takes really focusing on the here and now. Being grateful for what you have (I'm not saying you aren't, just giving examples). When you catch yourself thinking - I wish we could or it was great when he was - if only he could - you are going to have to stop yourself and say, that's not here, that's not now, that guy is gone (in more ways than one).
That hurts too but over time you will find it doesn't so much because it also reminds you of what you didn't have and helps alleviate the pain of him leaving, over time.
To expect him to stay that way, to keep that mindset is to believe he is recovering from his alcoholism, which of course he's not. It's that hope thing. He has given no indication that he is going to quit drinking anytime soon.
The only guarantee is that you don't know who will walk in the door or be there when you do or be there when you pick up the phone or text, no way to tell.
Those things you do know. You want him to be the best friend you had, unfortunately, by and large, that guy is gone, or only appears from time to time. It's a weird thing to wrap your head around but it's the truth. Once you (really) accept that, he won't be able to hurt you so much.
I know it looks easy in print - kind of akin to - just move on! But that's not what I mean. Focus will have to shift from what you had and what he was to what he became and what you have now (which can include a lot of wonderful new things for you). That takes really focusing on the here and now. Being grateful for what you have (I'm not saying you aren't, just giving examples). When you catch yourself thinking - I wish we could or it was great when he was - if only he could - you are going to have to stop yourself and say, that's not here, that's not now, that guy is gone (in more ways than one).
That hurts too but over time you will find it doesn't so much because it also reminds you of what you didn't have and helps alleviate the pain of him leaving, over time.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by dandylion
Kaya...I hear your sadness and I can relate to that feeling. Obviously, this has been a deeply traumatic experience, for you. The grieving and acceptance of what has happened takes it's own time. It takes as much time as it takes.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,699
Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
I got off the phone with him feeling like I just saw talked to a person I thought I lost forever
What you said above, that's the really wicked side isn't it. If he wasn't an alcoholic, you might have discussed how your relationship was breaking down, over a period of months and he might be able to speak about it in some kind of civil fashion.
You can see him, he can call on the phone and talk "normally" for a few hours, but part of him, really most of him has been taken by alcohol. Literally taken. There's nothing normal about that, it's not something you have in relationships, generally, it's weird and it's hard to wrap your head around and it's frustrating and anger making.
Time will heal this, you are maybe in a type of holding pattern. You can move yourself forward in small steps. You will be ok.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I am sorry for your hurt. It is horrible.
When actively drinking it is all b/s that comes out of their mouths. I might sound harsh in saying that but it saves a lot of hurt once you really accept that. It is a chemical you are talking to, not a real person sadly.
I used to have deep "meaningful" talks with my late AH until I eventually realised what an absolute waste of my time it was. The four hours listening to the b/s could have been spent doing healthy, good things to build my life up.
Thank you for mentioning this, you have helped me process too.
When actively drinking it is all b/s that comes out of their mouths. I might sound harsh in saying that but it saves a lot of hurt once you really accept that. It is a chemical you are talking to, not a real person sadly.
I used to have deep "meaningful" talks with my late AH until I eventually realised what an absolute waste of my time it was. The four hours listening to the b/s could have been spent doing healthy, good things to build my life up.
Thank you for mentioning this, you have helped me process too.
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