Laura12

Well here I am again. I received the standard Happy Birthday wishes from the Sober Recovery Organization and felt that this was a sign for me to reconect with you. Today I'm 61 and I still haven't learnt to live life completely with mindfulness, joy, acceptance and serenity without turning to alcohol. I turn to alcohol for everything. If I'm sad, happy, lonely, celebratory, depressed, stressed, anxious...whatever. I can't seem to stop making excuses for why I need that one drink, which ultimately leads to copious glasses of wine. All of which, I drink like water without tasting. I drink to feel better and to numb out. I realize I don't want to feel my feelings. I'm sure this goes back to my troubled childhood and first marriage, but how much longer can I use this as my reason for drinking. At some point, I have to take ownership of this and stop blaming others. It's difficult for me to not play the martyer role. It's difficult for me to accept all my character defaults, of which there are so many. I'm either living in the past or feeling worried, anxious and stressed over the tomorrows. It's when I am sick and hungover (like now) that I'm ready to begin sobriety. Unfortunately it doesn't last for long. I have much to be thankful for in my life and yet rarely do I feel gratitude. I'm either beating myself up or blaming others. I know this has to stop. I wish I had an abundance of courage to go that extra step. Here I am, today age 61, a mother, a grandmother, a wife, and I really haven't grown up... Thank you for listening or for at least reading my rambling rant of self pity.

Dee74

Welcome back Laura and many happy returns.

I really believe it is never too late to start living the life you want to live. There's a lot of help and support here - why not post and read here regularly again?

Check out our Class of May support thread too?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-two-8.html

biminiblue

Happy Birthday.

I feel for you, I do. You can change all of that.

Can today be your Day One off alcohol? That's how we all did it, Day One followed by Days Two Three and Four, etc.

It's time, it's worth it, and you'll find peace. You deserve that.

D122y

My testimony...

I couldn't quit until I realized I had permanent brain damage. My damage caused balance problems, anxiety, obsession, and paranoia. Basically....insanity.

All of this, mathematically maybe 99 percent , was booze induced and booze medicated.

None of it seemed to really bother me until I quit drinking for about 2 weeks. Then the hell ramped up.

My addiction to booze made me rationalize that I had been clean for a good long time and having a couple, then lose count, was ok. This was the addiction talking. Really at 2 weeks, I needed a fix. Like a crackhead.

So the last time I was clean around 2 weeks and nearly collapsed from some panic attack/sugar issue. This started happening more and more. It happened while I was driving with my young son and once with my bud.

I knew it was all booze induced. I had to quit because I felt this would be what ruined everything in my life if I didn't.

I suffered suffered suffered suffered. Through 90 days clean, then a year, then 3 years. Then things really started to feel good. After about 5 years clean, I started feeling like a whole new person.

For some people this takes less time, but I had unknowingly relapsed for decades and was heavily kindled.

I understand everyone is different and some folks may never be able to quit drinking. But, at least they are trying to take better care. The problem some face is the off and on drinking causes stress of a different nature than just staying drunk.

Both tear a person up, but in different ways.

You will be able to quit when you are ready. Wanting to quit and getting educated on addiction are half the battle. Suffering and time are the rest.

Optimistically, you will feel pretty awesome after a few months because you likely didn't drink as hard and as long as me. I started drinking to excess at 5 years old. I quit at 50.

The most correct answer is see a Dr. All of the above is just my two cents.

Thanks.

Mizz

You can change.
I dont know if its about being a grown up or not? I think we get stuck in places and when we decide to move forward then change happens. Active alcoholism does a number on everyone. Lots of negative thinking. Lots of rumination. We don't have to stay there. Making positive life affirming choices moves the needle in the right direction. You can do this. I believe in you.

Steely

Happy birthday Laura.

I can relate to everything you say....

Been sober 17 months now, and it is so much better. Not without difficulty, but streets ahead of the madness of my drinking.

I hope you continue to post.

FiveTries

Everything you said I relate with.
The only difference being I am a husband and father instead of mother and wife.

I have 11 days sober today and I feel really good.

I was just thinking about going drinking today though and realizing that I forget very quickly how dangerous this is. Potentially deadly. The stakes are so high. Alcohol isn't worth it.

enaiddes

Im sorry to hear that you are so unhappy with yourself and your use of wine to put that punctuation mark on your feelings and then numb them.

Wine seems to be so acceptable now in our society as a daily thing and that is bad news for those of us who have a problem with alcohol. Wine offers itself as the most popular ‘one glass’ indulgence at the end of the day.

I cant have any at all unless I am okay with the idea of having an open ended amount of drinks.

Fortunately for me my advanced age makes it actually scary to drink anything at all because of the side effects. The last time I drank too much I ended up in the emergency room of a local hospital the next morning with my heart being monitored. And the time before that I had to have my arm flung over my friend’s shoulder and be half dragged to my adjoining apartment. But as drunk as I was I still felt that deep humiliation when we ran into a neighbor in the hallway with me in that condition.

Very occasionally I go out for lunch with a friend and join her in that ‘one drink with lunch’ plan. The last time I did this I drank an uncounted amount of ‘irish coffees’ and became incoherent and withdrawn from the others while at the same time feeling quite pleased with myself on the inside! One of my friends kept buying me more drinks because it was my birthday, but I know I cant blame her at all.

So many women think they’re indulging in self pity when they describe their situation. But in fact that is exactly what this site is for. It’s not self pity - this forum is intended to receive posts just like yours.

Best to you.

Hevyn

Hi Laura! I'm so glad you posted. We're here to encourage you. Many of us have had those same thoughts, believe me you are not alone.
I was older too when I finally quit (13+ yrs ago.). Finding SR & talking things over here made all the difference to me. I hope you'll keep reading & posting. You can change your life, there is no doubt.

least

Drinking made me (more) depressed. It became a self defeating cycle - feel depressed, drink, feel more depressed so drink more. I hope you'll take advantage of the awesome support here to help you get sober for good.

dustyfox

Happy Birthday Laura,
I am a mother and a wife, sister, aunt, with a lovely family and I also drank for a long, very long time, and for almost any reason, I only stopped a couple of weeks ago, after many failed attempts over many years always trying to stop on own. This is time is different and I recommend , if you have time, to read the threads on these forums, keep reading them until quitting seems the only answer, Because of course you know, as I suddenly did, it is the only answer, because what other answer is there for a long term drinker who hates the fact they drink too much! Maybe be nice to yourself and give this as birthday gift! This forum is so very supportive it will help you to get through the tough parts, Good Luck Laura, seize the day!

Anna

Happy Birthday, Laura. I'm glad you decided to check in and I hope that you are inspired to stop drinking and be the person you want to be.

Scd619x

It's very difficult to not play the victim role when that is how you were brought up, trained if you will, i know because i was. Blame, can i give you an example? If someone tripped up a beloved relative and you saw it, and that beloved relative broke their leg then who would be to blame? The person that tripped them up right? Now if i told you that the person who tripped up your relative was not to blame and that you were wrong to even think that they were to blame, what would you do/say? You might say **** that my relative who we love was tripped over by you and i blame you! That would be a just and warranted use of blame, so blame the people/person that did it, simples.

Hevyn

Thinking of you, Laura - how's it going today?

D122y

The highly addictive nature of booze makes your analogy perfect. I have been on this site a long time and nobody has ever explained addiction in such a way.

We all were told to say no to drugs in some form. Some did what they were told, but I have always bucked authority. I couldn't quit this long until I was educated on all the really bad mental things that happened to me.

My physical was slowly eroding as well. It is a slow insidious process.

I saw my old drinkinking buddy yesterday. He is 65. His body is withering away. I am 100% positive it is mostly booze related.

If there is any chance to live a longer, stronger life why not suffer by getting cleaned up.

Thanks God I found SR. I was doomed without it.

Desire to quit, education, suffering, and time.

Thanks.