Sueby

This is a common post, but my AH drank tonight for the first time in a couple of months. We don’t live together, but we are still “together”, and I’m just hurting right now. I’m not surprised at all, I’ve been through this enough to know the signs that he was going to drink, but it’s still hitting me hard. We had a great day today and when he called this evening, I asked if he was drinking and he said yes. I said I was sorry to hear that but I didn’t feel like speaking to him and hung up. He wasn’t following a sobriety plan, so I knew it was just a matter of time. Plus he lost his job, so he has nothing to do and lots of time to dwell - never a good combination for him.

I haven’t been able to get a counselling appointment for a bit as we’re in lockdown where I am, the online appointments are booked up for weeks right now. So here I am, posting hoping that releasing this will at least let me get some rest tonight. The only good thing is that I’m working from home so I can look like crap and no one will know!

My thoughts and feelings are all over the place, but sadness is the biggest one. I can list all the things he’s giving up by drinking, but if he doesn’t care about that then I’m not sure why I should bother dwelling on it either. I’m just sad and I know I have to get through this and things will get better. I’ll take the steps to make me happy and keep living my life, his life is his own to do with what he will.

Thanks for reading, this place is a treasure trove of support and caring. It’s gotten me through a lot of rough times just by reading. It’s nice to know that my situation isn’t unique, that’s very comforting. Thank you all!!

Ariesagain

I’m sorry, Sueby. You know, intellectually and logically, what’s going to happen, but there’s always this little flicker of hope….it hurts, I know.

Sending you a hug.

comewhatmay

Hi Sueby. I'm so sorry to hear he has started drinking once again. I understand how very disappointing it is. I remember how devastated I felt when my ex was sober for 2 months, then fell back into his addiction straight after leaving rehab. I realized his sobriety meant more to me than it did to him. Sad fact, they don't care about what they have lost/continue to lose. Please take good care of yourself, dealing with an addicted loved one can seriously affect the quality of your emotional health and take a serious toll on your well-being.

Sueby

I did have the sliver of hope, you'd think I would have learned by this point! Actually, I have learned a lot. Most of it from people posting their experiences on here and how they've dealt with situations. And through therapy too!

I did see him for a bit this morning, he was belligerent and drunk. I didn't bother interacting much with him, just picked up our grandson's car seat and said goodbye. He did yell a couple of colorful things as I walked away, a last ditch effort at provoking a fight. I just kept walking, proud moment! You'd think he would be happy that I didn't engage or try and fight, but it's so contradictory of him to always want drama while yelling to the roof tops how he just wants 'peace'. So I'm giving him peace and room, I asked my son (we have 4 grown sons) to grab what stuff our grandson has their and bring it down to my place. So I guess that's it.

Ariesagain

I’m just glad you have a place to be away from that situation and that you have your sons you can rely on.

Wishing you better days ahead.

PeacefulWater12

Sorry to read what has happened, glad you are not living with him though.

Sueby

It is a great situation to be in honestly. It still doesn't dull the pain of the drinking, but at least I'm not living with it and I feel very fortunate for that right now.

Thank you all, posting made me feel so much better 💗💗.

comewhatmay

Sueby, I'm glad to read that you're in better spirits. You're doing yourself a favor by not engaging with him, you won't receive anything but hostility and contempt back from him. They act out, create drama, deflect the problem and say its all your fault...that is a form of disrespect, fact. Glad you're in a safe place.

trailmix

hi sueby, I am also glad you are in your own place, that has to be somewhat of a relief.

I know there is always a bit of hope, however, perhaps you might just want to just accept his drinking? He is going to drink sometimes, "this" dry period won't last. If he manages to get sober for say, a year and has a strong support system, then perhaps you can revisit the idea that he might just work it out.

It can be really counter-intuitive to start thinking that way. Alcohol is bad/broke up my marriage/hurt me/hurts him and his other family/lost jobs etc etc. To accept it doesn't mean you support alcoholism, it just means you are accepting him just the way he is. Why not? He is who he is.

It's not personal to you, of course, it just hurts you personally!

Bekindalways

Hey Sueby, you sure sound like you get the whole alchoholic/drinking thing. It is weird how hoping for their recovery can cause us pain.

I had a long dull day of sorting through things in my aging Dad's Independent living apartment. He has gone into Memory Care so I am taking apart what is left of his and my Mom's life. It is going well but I do get down. I come here to feel a bit of camaraderie with folks fighting their own battles so I appreciated your story. Keep on going the best you can. I hope your grandson brings you lots of joy.

Sueby

Thanks, this is so true! I haven't spoken to him since yesterday and I'm ok with that. But tomorrow morning we have an appt at DMV to transfer a vehicle to our son and register another one, so I will need to see how sober he is to get that done. Then I'll go back to leaving him in 'peace'.

For the most part I realize that his decision to drink (or not) isn't related to me personally. But it's hard to feel that way 100% of the time, so I have periods where I would like to whap him on the head lol. He hasn't followed a program or plan since he left rehab last fall so I knew his recent dry spell wasn't going to last, he hadn't been doing anything to support himself staying sober at all. Which is why I wouldn't agree to move back in, he would need a lot of sobriety time in before I could see that happening.

Thanks everyone!

Sueby

I get the "how it all works", but the emotions are always still there and ready to bite you when you least expect it. My grandson brings so much joy, he is almost 3.

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. I can see there would be some happy parts in seeing things he has, but sad that it has to be done. Take care ❤

leanabeana

Hi Sueby. I'm sorry to hear your AH fell off the wagon again. I can so relate to your post as my partner was sober for two months and then got obliterated a week ago. I felt so betrayed and disappointed, but I have to find a way to distance myself from his relapses. They are not about me.

You are lucky to live apart from him. I live with my partner and I feel trapped in our apartment when he gets drunk. I should probably consider going to a friends house or a hotel the next time. I would love to think there won't be a next time, but I'm a realist.

Sueby

Yeah, I got caught up in the “maybe this time will stick” la la land. I should know better...

I’m sorry you’re going through this too. It is nice to live separately but does have financial drawbacks too.

And it would be nice to have a normal marriage, but I think that ship sailed a while ago. I find it hard to imagine moving on, but I guess it’s time to push myself out of my comfort zone. I’m pretty independent and do a lot of things by myself anyway, but I need to stop that and get out and about with friends more... well once our lockdown is over that is. Which was just extended. Again.

leanabeana

Sorry to hear your lockdown was extended again. What a bummer. I also need to push myself to spend time with people other than my alcoholic partner.