Alcoholic and verbally abusive.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 11
Alcoholic and verbally abusive.
Hi, I'm new to this group and I'm hoping some of you can shed some light on the behaviour of a problematic drinker or functioning alcoholic?
I've been in a relationship for a few months with a man I've fallen head over heels for. We are both in our 40's. I like a drink but I feel he drinks excessively and is very often drunk. After work he will probably drink 8-10 cans of strong lager and then get up and function the next day. On a weekend he will be on lager, whiskey, port whatever. He has let me down a couple of times when I've supposed to have seen him because I believe he's been too hungover.
He blows hot and cold and I've noticed he gets defensive and aggressive in voicenotes and texts when I'm not with him when he's had a drink. I can hear his speech is slurred. He finished work on Tues afternoon and was off the rest of the week. We made plans for Wednesday, but he stayed up all of Tuesday evening on the phone to his friend who drinks excessively and basically went on a bender and didn't go to bed. He then told me not to come, ended it, laid into me, called me names, verbally abused me, called me weak and needy and was basically vile.
a few hours later I get an apology. 'I don't deserve you, you're amazing, I'm sorry, I'm a mess) etc. He then is clearly up all day drinking. He tells me I deserve better.
Yesterday morning I received some texts saying he was sorry and he'd been a 'knob'. He asked for my forgiveness.
I've forgiven him because I have really fell for him. I'm a compassionate person and when its good its good.
He's told me a bit about his life, abusive Father etc, raised his sisters on his own. He has quite a bit of anger inside of him and I've seen that in person but I know he wouldn't lay a finger on a woman. His ex's have all physically attacked him. I don't condone violence of any sort but I'm wondering why.
I feel so on edge. I believe he is sorry but will this be a pattern? Let downs? Verbal abuse? Do people mean what they say when they're drunk or black out drunk?
I've been in a relationship for a few months with a man I've fallen head over heels for. We are both in our 40's. I like a drink but I feel he drinks excessively and is very often drunk. After work he will probably drink 8-10 cans of strong lager and then get up and function the next day. On a weekend he will be on lager, whiskey, port whatever. He has let me down a couple of times when I've supposed to have seen him because I believe he's been too hungover.
He blows hot and cold and I've noticed he gets defensive and aggressive in voicenotes and texts when I'm not with him when he's had a drink. I can hear his speech is slurred. He finished work on Tues afternoon and was off the rest of the week. We made plans for Wednesday, but he stayed up all of Tuesday evening on the phone to his friend who drinks excessively and basically went on a bender and didn't go to bed. He then told me not to come, ended it, laid into me, called me names, verbally abused me, called me weak and needy and was basically vile.
a few hours later I get an apology. 'I don't deserve you, you're amazing, I'm sorry, I'm a mess) etc. He then is clearly up all day drinking. He tells me I deserve better.
Yesterday morning I received some texts saying he was sorry and he'd been a 'knob'. He asked for my forgiveness.
I've forgiven him because I have really fell for him. I'm a compassionate person and when its good its good.
He's told me a bit about his life, abusive Father etc, raised his sisters on his own. He has quite a bit of anger inside of him and I've seen that in person but I know he wouldn't lay a finger on a woman. His ex's have all physically attacked him. I don't condone violence of any sort but I'm wondering why.
I feel so on edge. I believe he is sorry but will this be a pattern? Let downs? Verbal abuse? Do people mean what they say when they're drunk or black out drunk?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
This was the pattern with my alcoholic ex. He never displayed shame at anything he did or said while drunk. He acted like the drunk version of himself was the villain but that he himself was good and sweet and kind.
I learned the hard way they were both the same guy.
There are a lot of red flags in your story, my friend, from the way he treats you to the way he describes his previous relationships. It’s tempting to believe that you can be the one to save him from his abusive past and to love him into wellness, but that is not how it works. Recovery is an inside job, and right now, he does not sound like he is in any condition to be in a healthy relationship.
Falling hard and fast for someone can be an addiction in and of itself. Be careful that you are not in love with an idea of him that does not match the reality of him. The man you describe sounds, to my ears, like an alcoholic, not a “problem drinker “, though I understand the inclination to resist labeling him something harsher. As far as functionality goes—“functional” is not a type of alcoholism, merely a stage. Left to it’s own devices, alcoholism progresses, always. Right now it sounds like he is not actually functioning as well as either of you think.
You have only been together a few months and already you are on a support forum asking for help trying to understand his behavior. This should be the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Take some time to learn about alcoholism and addiction. If you decide to continue in this relationship you should be armed with the knowledge of what you’re getting into and what you can expect.
The bottom line is that you deserve a partner who treats you with respect, whom you can trust, and who takes responsibility for his own issues.
I learned the hard way they were both the same guy.
There are a lot of red flags in your story, my friend, from the way he treats you to the way he describes his previous relationships. It’s tempting to believe that you can be the one to save him from his abusive past and to love him into wellness, but that is not how it works. Recovery is an inside job, and right now, he does not sound like he is in any condition to be in a healthy relationship.
Falling hard and fast for someone can be an addiction in and of itself. Be careful that you are not in love with an idea of him that does not match the reality of him. The man you describe sounds, to my ears, like an alcoholic, not a “problem drinker “, though I understand the inclination to resist labeling him something harsher. As far as functionality goes—“functional” is not a type of alcoholism, merely a stage. Left to it’s own devices, alcoholism progresses, always. Right now it sounds like he is not actually functioning as well as either of you think.
You have only been together a few months and already you are on a support forum asking for help trying to understand his behavior. This should be the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Take some time to learn about alcoholism and addiction. If you decide to continue in this relationship you should be armed with the knowledge of what you’re getting into and what you can expect.
The bottom line is that you deserve a partner who treats you with respect, whom you can trust, and who takes responsibility for his own issues.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
This should be the most passionate, fun filled, glorious days of
a new healthy relationship. Just deliriously giddy and happy,
the kind of time that makes your skin glow and you can't stop
smiling.
You are far from that, sadly. Yes this is a pattern that will quicly
get worse and worse. Alcohol is his number one love, and you
can already see what happens if you try to get between him
and his first love.
Do yourself a huge kindness and favor and get out now.
A future with this person will be brutally painful and hurtful.
Sorry, but if your read around here, the "stickies" at the top
of the threads, you will become more informed and have
more understanding about what is really happening.
a new healthy relationship. Just deliriously giddy and happy,
the kind of time that makes your skin glow and you can't stop
smiling.
You are far from that, sadly. Yes this is a pattern that will quicly
get worse and worse. Alcohol is his number one love, and you
can already see what happens if you try to get between him
and his first love.
Do yourself a huge kindness and favor and get out now.
A future with this person will be brutally painful and hurtful.
Sorry, but if your read around here, the "stickies" at the top
of the threads, you will become more informed and have
more understanding about what is really happening.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
The two posts above should be read and re-read. They are the painful truth.
This is as good as it will get as long as he is actively drinking. It always progresses downwards.
Take care of yourself, learn about alcohol abuse and addiction, and be clear about the kind of treatment you are willing to accept from someone who is supposed to love you. Sweet sorry guy and ugly mean name-calling drunk are the same man.
That isn’t what love, especially early pair-bonding love, is supposed to look or feel like—
This is as good as it will get as long as he is actively drinking. It always progresses downwards.
Take care of yourself, learn about alcohol abuse and addiction, and be clear about the kind of treatment you are willing to accept from someone who is supposed to love you. Sweet sorry guy and ugly mean name-calling drunk are the same man.
That isn’t what love, especially early pair-bonding love, is supposed to look or feel like—
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 139
My ex GF (dead now } was a drug addict .
She made me coffee one day and put 5mg of ativan in it !
I did not know this .
She drank a whole bottle of clororhydrate I had and said it's good stuff .
She never got any better and I could not get her to stay away from me .
She liked drugs more than me .
She made me coffee one day and put 5mg of ativan in it !
I did not know this .
She drank a whole bottle of clororhydrate I had and said it's good stuff .
She never got any better and I could not get her to stay away from me .
She liked drugs more than me .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 133
Yes, this will be a pattern and will likely get progressively worse. I'm sorry to tell you that. I wish that weren't true but it's very likely it'll get worse. Does it matter if he "means" it when he's drunk? It's abusive regardless and there's no excuse for it.
You deserve better.
And with only a few months into this, recognize that this isn't a match.
You deserve better. You're worthy of it.
You deserve better.
And with only a few months into this, recognize that this isn't a match.
You deserve better. You're worthy of it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Allabouteve.......everything that you have shared points in the direction of a great deal of pain and unhappiness in your future.
We have thousands and thousands of real life stories, here. I hope that you will keep reading----and, reading the stickies above the threads on the first page.
We have thousands and thousands of real life stories, here. I hope that you will keep reading----and, reading the stickies above the threads on the first page.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
He has quite a bit of anger inside of him and I've seen that in person but I know he wouldn't lay a finger on a woman. His ex's have all physically attacked him. I don't condone violence of any sort but I'm wondering why.
1) Do you think this is true? ALL of his exes (many exes, apparently), attacked him physically?
2) Even if that were true, he supposedly never reciprocated? Do you believe that is likely to be true?
3) You say you “know” he would never lay a hand on a woman. You can’t “know” that, correct? You can want it to be true, but given a history of physical altercations where he is somehow always the innocent victim, something doesn’t add up here.
You’re an intelligent person...you said you’re wondering about this story. It sounds more to me that either he’s making it up to make you feel sorry for him or maybe he’s covering for incidents where he did hurt someone. Or tried.
This won’t get better and is likely to get worse. The real question is whether you want to be in a relationship like this and you’re the only person who can decide that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I agree with Aries and share her concern about the statement she quoted from you.
This time last year my daughter (26) had just entered a new relationship with a man in his early 30s. I met him, I liked him. Everyone in the family liked him. We welcomed him and his 4yold child into the fold. I did notice more beer drinking than I was comfortable with but he never behaved badly or acted in any way troublesome around me. As they became more of an item, she started getting warnings from friends who had friends that heard through the grapevine he was abusive. She dismissed that as sour grapes coming from his ex. She told me and I said that didn't seem to jive with what I saw or felt but to be vigilant. Next few months go by, she bonds with the child and things seem to be going well for them. THEN... she got quiet on me. ( We live far apart but are usually in contact multiple times day through text/fb etc) I thought she was just busy with work and new little family situation she had going on. THEN she starts talking to me about his alcohol abuse, then about a month later; how he is trying to get help and better himself etc...And how she was aware of her codie ways and keeping them in check. NOW the red flags were flying high for me, but she hung in there wanting to support him while he went to AA and got some other help as well. (He was horribly abused by his alcoholic parents if he is to be believed.) She got quiet on me again. They went through the summer in break/up-make up mode. It was pretty awful. Then in the early fall, while supposedly sober, he got a DUI with his child in the car. She was done, she got off the rollercoaster after that. It was then she came clean to me about the physical, mental and emotional abuse he had been inflicting on her. Devastating.
The whole push you away, pull you back in thing is toxic. Unfortunately it is a common tactic used by abusers. No one should have to endure that kind of crap. That is not a loving thing to do to a person. It's manipulative. It destroys your self confidence and keeps you walking on egg shells. It makes you feel crazy and keeps you pliable... that's how they like it.
My life experience warns me that this man you are so in love with, will not only continue with his current behavior, but that it will get worse. But what is worse is that, if you stay involved with him, those anxious, confused, hurt feelings of yours...they will get much worse too.
I don't know you, and I don't know him... but I know of many people just like him. I don't trust him. I also don't believe people should be in relationships with people that they can not trust. That is just my personal opinion.
Please be very careful. I also don't believe he was a victim in all his previous relationships either. Don't be surprised if your name ends up on that list of "abusers" should you chose not to continue this relationship.
I'm truly sorry you find yourself in such an upsetting situation with a man you care so much about. Proceed with caution. I was married to an alcoholic for a long time, it isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy.
This time last year my daughter (26) had just entered a new relationship with a man in his early 30s. I met him, I liked him. Everyone in the family liked him. We welcomed him and his 4yold child into the fold. I did notice more beer drinking than I was comfortable with but he never behaved badly or acted in any way troublesome around me. As they became more of an item, she started getting warnings from friends who had friends that heard through the grapevine he was abusive. She dismissed that as sour grapes coming from his ex. She told me and I said that didn't seem to jive with what I saw or felt but to be vigilant. Next few months go by, she bonds with the child and things seem to be going well for them. THEN... she got quiet on me. ( We live far apart but are usually in contact multiple times day through text/fb etc) I thought she was just busy with work and new little family situation she had going on. THEN she starts talking to me about his alcohol abuse, then about a month later; how he is trying to get help and better himself etc...And how she was aware of her codie ways and keeping them in check. NOW the red flags were flying high for me, but she hung in there wanting to support him while he went to AA and got some other help as well. (He was horribly abused by his alcoholic parents if he is to be believed.) She got quiet on me again. They went through the summer in break/up-make up mode. It was pretty awful. Then in the early fall, while supposedly sober, he got a DUI with his child in the car. She was done, she got off the rollercoaster after that. It was then she came clean to me about the physical, mental and emotional abuse he had been inflicting on her. Devastating.
The whole push you away, pull you back in thing is toxic. Unfortunately it is a common tactic used by abusers. No one should have to endure that kind of crap. That is not a loving thing to do to a person. It's manipulative. It destroys your self confidence and keeps you walking on egg shells. It makes you feel crazy and keeps you pliable... that's how they like it.
My life experience warns me that this man you are so in love with, will not only continue with his current behavior, but that it will get worse. But what is worse is that, if you stay involved with him, those anxious, confused, hurt feelings of yours...they will get much worse too.
I don't know you, and I don't know him... but I know of many people just like him. I don't trust him. I also don't believe people should be in relationships with people that they can not trust. That is just my personal opinion.
Please be very careful. I also don't believe he was a victim in all his previous relationships either. Don't be surprised if your name ends up on that list of "abusers" should you chose not to continue this relationship.
I'm truly sorry you find yourself in such an upsetting situation with a man you care so much about. Proceed with caution. I was married to an alcoholic for a long time, it isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Allabouteve 
I don't deserve you, you're amazing, I'm sorry, I'm a mess
All the compassion and love in the world will not fix this. Yes, it is already a pattern, yes it will continue, yes, you will probably get hurt.
I know that moving on from him now will hurt, you probably have dreams of a future and look at his "potential". Please don't, he is who he is and whether you call that a problem drinker or an alcoholic, it doesn't matter, he has a true problem with alcohol.
If you do decide to stay with him, you will have much more of the same. You will also have to accept him just the way he is, not as you think he could be (because that is not who he is). You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
ACE: Adverse childhood experience score
This simple test measures the level of trauma and abuse a chimed experiences with their family of origin. I am a 9 out of ten (qualifier had low libido so escaped that horror) and I founded a community of healing for dual diagnosis criminally involved residents. Most of my folks are 10 plus... extreme horror.
I have seen miracles (filming a documentary)... but have never seen a flicker of hope unless the qualifier was diligently ... diligently seeking an authentic program of recovery like a drowning man lungs screaming for oxygen fighting to the surface with every ounce of energy and resolve.
most likely you are being groomed to be his enabler as substance abusers are pure genius at psychological control! Trust me... you will be outmatched as he has been working at this for a loooong time!
Eject! Eject! Eject! Mayday!
Tell him you will meet Jan 1 2022 at midnight if he stays sober for a year, gets a sponsor and completes the steps and gets a qualified addiction counselor.
He will most likely break it off when you set boundaries....
keep posting! We care as we have the scars of similar experience and heartache.
I have seen miracles (filming a documentary)... but have never seen a flicker of hope unless the qualifier was diligently ... diligently seeking an authentic program of recovery like a drowning man lungs screaming for oxygen fighting to the surface with every ounce of energy and resolve.
most likely you are being groomed to be his enabler as substance abusers are pure genius at psychological control! Trust me... you will be outmatched as he has been working at this for a loooong time!
Eject! Eject! Eject! Mayday!
Tell him you will meet Jan 1 2022 at midnight if he stays sober for a year, gets a sponsor and completes the steps and gets a qualified addiction counselor.
He will most likely break it off when you set boundaries....
keep posting! We care as we have the scars of similar experience and heartache.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Allabouteve,
Glad you came to the site. I think all of the members have shared with you pearls of wisdom that are earned through experience; many painful experiences. One point someone made was, that he won't improve and won't be "functional" for long because the disease is progressive and will get worse and you too will get worse if you stay in it as is. I learned the hard way, and had I believed what people and the books said; I may have made better choices. But I didn't.
Everything said in these posts should be read and re-read. There is a depth to these responses that you can't appreciate unless of course you choose to remain in the endless battle of addiction and choose to disrespect yourself.
Keep coming back.
Glad you came to the site. I think all of the members have shared with you pearls of wisdom that are earned through experience; many painful experiences. One point someone made was, that he won't improve and won't be "functional" for long because the disease is progressive and will get worse and you too will get worse if you stay in it as is. I learned the hard way, and had I believed what people and the books said; I may have made better choices. But I didn't.
Everything said in these posts should be read and re-read. There is a depth to these responses that you can't appreciate unless of course you choose to remain in the endless battle of addiction and choose to disrespect yourself.
Keep coming back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 11
Thank you.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me in such depth and detail. I've read, read and re-read the replies and many of you are saying the same thing.
I have made a decision. On this occasion I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and forgiving him. He was profoundly sorry and couldn't remember what he had even said to me. (Being black out drunk is not an excuse I know).
I like him and he is very remorseful and ashamed and telling me how he doesn't deserve me and he's grateful I have given him another chance.
I have told him that I won't tolerate disrespect if it happens again.
I have every empathy with his situation but like some of you have said, if this is a manipulative tactic then fore warned is forearmed.
I guess I have to discern and use my own intuition and see how the next few weeks unfold.
Some of you may think I'm crazy giving him a second chance so early in the relationship, but then I will always be wondering 'what if'. I may be back on this thread in a few weeks with my tail between my legs with many of you saying 'I told you so.' I have to follow my heart ❤ Time will tell. Thank you all once again. Big hugs.
I have made a decision. On this occasion I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and forgiving him. He was profoundly sorry and couldn't remember what he had even said to me. (Being black out drunk is not an excuse I know).
I like him and he is very remorseful and ashamed and telling me how he doesn't deserve me and he's grateful I have given him another chance.
I have told him that I won't tolerate disrespect if it happens again.
I have every empathy with his situation but like some of you have said, if this is a manipulative tactic then fore warned is forearmed.
I guess I have to discern and use my own intuition and see how the next few weeks unfold.
Some of you may think I'm crazy giving him a second chance so early in the relationship, but then I will always be wondering 'what if'. I may be back on this thread in a few weeks with my tail between my legs with many of you saying 'I told you so.' I have to follow my heart ❤ Time will tell. Thank you all once again. Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
No one thinks you're crazy; most, if not all, of us have been exactly in your shoes and understand. So please don't think anyone wants you back here with your "tail between your legs." Come back if you need us. We will be here.
If you intend to stay, I hope you will do whatever you need to do to shore up your boundaries about what type of behavior you will tolerate in a relationship, learn what you need to know about addiction (and the affects addicts have on friends and family), and make sure that you have real-life support when you need it.
If you intend to stay, I hope you will do whatever you need to do to shore up your boundaries about what type of behavior you will tolerate in a relationship, learn what you need to know about addiction (and the affects addicts have on friends and family), and make sure that you have real-life support when you need it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by Allabouteve
I may be back on this thread in a few weeks with my tail between my legs with many of you saying 'I told you so.'.
Plenty of people here have chosen to stay with their qualifiers. I certainly stayed with mine long past our expiration date, no judgement here. Loving someone with addiction and mental health issues can be very challenging. There is lots of support to be had here no matter what you chose to do.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
