dandylion

Allavouteve......AmallButMighty makes a good point! Why do you assume that going away is the only option, at this point. Why not stay around and get the full benefit of the suppolrt of this forum....And, you can benefit others by sharing your own journey with them. This forum is for Give and Take of support and validation and sharing and helping each other.
We have thousands of real life stories and hundreds of excellent articles in the stickies section.
Don't be a stranger.

Michsm

There are other fish in the sea. My ex-husband displayed all of the warning flags at the beginning. I thought I could fix him. Surely, no one can support him like I do. Ha! I was very codependent and wasted 10 years of my life with him. I lost myself being with him because everything was about him and his drinking. I couldn’t count on him for anything except drinking. Sounds like you are already experiencing that. You will be let down time and time again if you stay with him.

DiggingForFire

Alcoholic or not, this guy is an abuser. for the love of all that is holy, leave now.

almost without exception, men who claim that multiple former women physically abused them are in fact abusers themselves. The rest of the story you tell is very very consistent with being an abuser. And if he is, in terms of being good or bad for you, does it matter if it’s because he’s an alcoholic? My ex was both emotionally abusive and an alcoholic. It’s possible that the alcohol made the other thing worse but even if you could fix the alcoholic part, which you can’t, generally the abuser is still there.

sorry to be so blunt.

I haven’t read all the responses so forgive me if this is duplicate, but you should look for and read “why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s a clear eyed and insightful book about abusers that I think might benefit you to read.

trailmix

I hope you will stick around too AAE, there will be other challenges, addiction is something worth understanding, regardless of how this goes. Also, no need to crawl back under a cloud, we are always here for support and I have never seen anyone say "I told you so" - because hey, we understand.

FallenAngelina

This book also has incredibly helpful comments in the review section on Amazon.

This comment from that section especially resonates with me:
I interpreted his controlling behavior as "wow, he really loves me."
I'd add, subsequent deep contrition and proclamations of love.

It's a cycle in which we were both participating. It doesn't end until one person chooses to make enormous changes and those changes do not happen in a day or a week or a month. It's a cycle in which both people enter the relationship emotionally prepped for and in which both people participate. I found this book to be enormously helpful.

FallenAngelina

I totally understand this and got back together with my ABF more times than I care to admit. I also didn't want to wonder "what if" and I needed to find out for myself why this person called to my heart so deeply. I have come to learn so very much about myself, about him, about love, about life. I'm grateful for everything that knowing him has taught me and given me. It's essential to follow our own inner guidance about all of this stuff. Prioritizing my own inner wisdom above all else is a treasure that I would not have were it not for knowing and loving an alcoholic.

Ariesagain

You have only been dating him a few months, yes?

I can tell you if I could go back in time, I would grab myself by both shoulders and BEG myself to get out of that relationship. You may learn things, that’s true. But it’s likely to come at a painfully high cost and the longer you’re in it, the harder it is to extricate yourself.

thequest

Sad to say it's not always the alcohol or chemical talking. It's as much about impulse control as anything. In other words the alcohol allows or helps them act on thoughts and emotions already in their heads.

They'll frequently try to say they're sorry but part of the issue is that's all they think they have to do and all is well when it's not. They need to work harder on impulse control than apologizing after the fact. I've seen alcoholics try to buy people off with expensive gifts or dinner(which of course involves drinking).

I don't think you owe them anything after a few months and as noted things will only get worse. If they feel no need to work on impulse control now wait until the relationship ages they'll feel even more comfortable to do what ever.

Berrybean

Hi AAE.

I don't know where in the world you are. If you are in the UK please, please, please go and ask for a Clare's Law disclosure at your local police station. Just in case. https://www.met.police.uk/advice/adv...er-clares-law/


And if it does bring up past records of abuse, please remember that patterns of behaviour don't tend to change.

You're in my prayers.

BB