Girlfriend on suboxone, do I stay?
Dedicated2chnge
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Location: Virginia Beach, Va
Posts: 2
Girlfriend on suboxone, do I stay?
My girlfriend’s life seems to be going well. She was unemployed but has. pretty good job now that she’s doing great at. She can pay her rent and bills but doesn’t have a lot after that. She recently began the journey to quit smoking. She has also been on suboxone for 2+ years. I have about 8 months clean. I keep judging her for using suboxone and not participating in the NA program like I am. I feel like I’m alone in my recovery path sort of. I don’t want to judge and don’t want to be scared about it bc she’s pretty awesome otherwise. The only other thing is she has like $30,000 of debt that is all medical, random bills, student loans that are all in default and aren’t being addressed whatsoever and I’m good with money and climbed out of my financial wreckage and the situation scares the hell out of me. I just need feedback. She’s very aware of my concerns. I don’t want to keep staying and then backing away and then coming back and then backing off again and hurting her. Please help!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,590
Hi dedicated2Change
I'm going to move your thread to the newcomers forum. You'll get more response that way.
I understand that NA probably saved your life.
I'm not in NA though, so from my outsiders perspective I'd be pretty annoyed if my partner knew I was doing well in recovery (i.e. staying clean and sober) but was insistent my path to recovery should be the same as theirs.
I understand your fear about the money but again - are you defacto or married...if not, its not really your debt is it?
I'm trying to choose my words carefully here cos all I have to go on is one post.
A lot of us reformed addicts and alcoholics have control issues - including me .... and most times the intent behind that is good...but sometimes I just have to stay in my own lane man.
If this has bought you to the point where you're thinking about actually leaving the relationship, maybe you're less invested in it and her as they are, and more into what you want/think she and this relationship should be...?
D
I'm going to move your thread to the newcomers forum. You'll get more response that way.
I understand that NA probably saved your life.
I'm not in NA though, so from my outsiders perspective I'd be pretty annoyed if my partner knew I was doing well in recovery (i.e. staying clean and sober) but was insistent my path to recovery should be the same as theirs.
I understand your fear about the money but again - are you defacto or married...if not, its not really your debt is it?
I'm trying to choose my words carefully here cos all I have to go on is one post.
A lot of us reformed addicts and alcoholics have control issues - including me .... and most times the intent behind that is good...but sometimes I just have to stay in my own lane man.
If this has bought you to the point where you're thinking about actually leaving the relationship, maybe you're less invested in it and her as they are, and more into what you want/think she and this relationship should be...?
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome to SR, @Dedicated2chnge! I'm glad you found us here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi Dedicated2chnge. It sounds like she is in a different moment on her journey than you are. The only question is whether she is heading in the right direction for you to consider her worthy of companionship. If you love her and respect her, those questions can be tough. She is who she is right now and you cannot make her be more like you. I don't know if you have been married before, but even if she was EXACTLY like you and you tied the knot today, in 10 years both of you will be VASTLY different people than you are today. It is all about respect and love and whether you are compatible as unique individuals each forever on their own journeys.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I'd say she's doing pretty good, and we all take a different road to recovery. It's one step at a time in terms of our ability to slowly pull things together. If you love her, then support her, even if her path is different. $30K is nothing in the overall scheme of things - the price of a car. If it were me I would start helping her pay it off, but that's me. It's a big weight for her to carry alone, and if you role model the financial discipline of regular payments, starting with the high interest first, she will learn how to do it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Congrats on your clean time.
With all due respect, her recovery and her debt are none of your business. If you can accept her for exactly how she is including her recovery method and debt and love her for exactly who she is then that is awesome and I wish you all the
happiness. If you dont feel like you can accept her warts and all then it would be kinder to finish the relationship now to allow her to be free to find someone who will.
♥️🙏
With all due respect, her recovery and her debt are none of your business. If you can accept her for exactly how she is including her recovery method and debt and love her for exactly who she is then that is awesome and I wish you all the
happiness. If you dont feel like you can accept her warts and all then it would be kinder to finish the relationship now to allow her to be free to find someone who will.
♥️🙏
If you are asking on an internet forum whether you should stay with your GF or leave her then I think you know the answer to the question.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 637
Originally Posted by Dedicated2chnge 
My girlfriend’s life seems to be going well. She was unemployed but has. pretty good job now that she’s doing great at. She can pay her rent and bills but doesn’t have a lot after that. She recently began the journey to quit smoking. She has also been on suboxone for 2+ years. I have about 8 months clean. I keep judging her for using suboxone and not participating in the NA program like I am. I feel like I’m alone in my recovery path sort of. I don’t want to judge and don’t want to be scared about it bc she’s pretty awesome otherwise. The only other thing is she has like $30,000 of debt that is all medical, random bills, student loans that are all in default and aren’t being addressed whatsoever and I’m good with money and climbed out of my financial wreckage and the situation scares the hell out of me. I just need feedback. She’s very aware of my concerns. I don’t want to keep staying and then backing away and then coming back and then backing off again and hurting her. Please help!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Hi Dedicated, it sounds like you are trying to do the right thing by your GF, as you've said you don't want to keep hurting her by changing your mind continually about the relationship. You've had great feedback here.
Relationships are mirrors, often when we think we're helping our beloved or doing something for them, we are really having our own issues reflected back upon us. Here you have a great opportunity to learn about love - love as a verb, love in action. Sometimes, when we are involved with addicts, people who are hurting themselves, the best thing we can do is to show ourselves love and step away. But here your GF sounds like she has taken positive action, just in her own way. If you can face your own fears and judgments, and be there for her, you'll grow from this too.
Relationships are mirrors, often when we think we're helping our beloved or doing something for them, we are really having our own issues reflected back upon us. Here you have a great opportunity to learn about love - love as a verb, love in action. Sometimes, when we are involved with addicts, people who are hurting themselves, the best thing we can do is to show ourselves love and step away. But here your GF sounds like she has taken positive action, just in her own way. If you can face your own fears and judgments, and be there for her, you'll grow from this too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 322
Welcome to SR and congrats on your sober time.
It sounds to me like you think your girlfriend is cheating at sobriety. This is 100% your problem and not hers. If this isn't something you can get past, I think you need to have some real distance because it could jeapordise both of your journeys - you've obviously shared your thoughts with her which I don't think is helpful.
As for the debt, it's not your business. All I know is my husband could be in a million pounds of debt and I'd still love him to death and want to help him deal with whatever problems he was having
It sounds to me like you think your girlfriend is cheating at sobriety. This is 100% your problem and not hers. If this isn't something you can get past, I think you need to have some real distance because it could jeapordise both of your journeys - you've obviously shared your thoughts with her which I don't think is helpful.
As for the debt, it's not your business. All I know is my husband could be in a million pounds of debt and I'd still love him to death and want to help him deal with whatever problems he was having
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