Shocked, broken but standing
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Shocked, broken but standing
So...I don’t know if you guys read my previous threads, but you can do it now to understand better what I will talk about now.
This weekend my mother in law and my sis in law invited me to the farm to the house of my sis in law, that’s where my STBXAH is living now. But this weekend he was not there so they invited me. I wanted to go for a long time cuz my dog lives here and I haven’t seen him for 10 months.
In the house I stayed to sleep in HIS room. I noticed that he has his computer there, and I know what I did next was not good, but I needed to do it. I was going crazy not understanding anything, thinking maybe he is just confused and I’ll wait a bit longer. So I opened his computer and there was his WhatsApp opened. What I saw next shocked me!
As you know HE has been in a rehab for 9 months. There he had his psychologist of course, which he also chose as his sponsor, I don’t don’t how correct is it. The psychologist is a young woman in her 30s. I never really felt threatened by her comparing her with me, but there were things that made me suspect smth. First of all she ignored my messages when I used to text her asking about his process. Second, I was totally excluded from everywhere: when his family was added to a WhatsApp group of the rehab - I wasn’t. Third I wasn’t been invited to any therapy with him, when his family was. So I suspected smth, and even his family did. But he was just saying we
were all crazy.
When he came to ask for divorce his main reason was that HE CAN NOT BE IN RELATIONSHIPS RIGHT NOW and probably for a long time. That he depends on me and he cant depend on anyone now. That he loves me so much and all the time wants to make me happy and right now he only needs to focus on himself and be alone.
So that was on 29 of august. After that he came several times and was touching me, looking at me. Borrowed money from me. I told him he was confusing me and he said that that’s how sick he was but he didn’t want to confuse me. So I’ve had enough and I moved to my own place. He hasn’t called me or texted me in all this time.
So now that I open his computer I see the chat with his “psychologist”, messages “my love”,”I want to make love to you”, pictures of them kissing. It was like someone took the floor under my feet. I felt so broken, so empty, sad and betrayed... She is still “psychologing” him, he always calls her if he has problems with his dad and she “calms him down”. He was hiding it from everyone, no one knew. So everyone is in shock as well. He saw that I am at the farm and texted her “My mother and sister brought her to the farm, so annoying. I don’t even wanna go there and see them.” She said “Yea, the situation is complicated, you see how they want to unite you with her? They just think that your awaiting is gonna pass and you will reunite.” He said “Ugh, I can’t stand my mother or my sister”.
So you left me in a foreign country all alone and you don’t even want your family to speak with me? What’s the **** did I do to you??? I feel soo bad, I can’t even describe it... This is a person who has been 10 months in recovery and already took a decision to divorce with the person he said was “the love of his life” and already entered new relationship with his psychologist and sponsor from rehab....
Please, help me to feel better. I know here I will be understood
This weekend my mother in law and my sis in law invited me to the farm to the house of my sis in law, that’s where my STBXAH is living now. But this weekend he was not there so they invited me. I wanted to go for a long time cuz my dog lives here and I haven’t seen him for 10 months.
In the house I stayed to sleep in HIS room. I noticed that he has his computer there, and I know what I did next was not good, but I needed to do it. I was going crazy not understanding anything, thinking maybe he is just confused and I’ll wait a bit longer. So I opened his computer and there was his WhatsApp opened. What I saw next shocked me!
As you know HE has been in a rehab for 9 months. There he had his psychologist of course, which he also chose as his sponsor, I don’t don’t how correct is it. The psychologist is a young woman in her 30s. I never really felt threatened by her comparing her with me, but there were things that made me suspect smth. First of all she ignored my messages when I used to text her asking about his process. Second, I was totally excluded from everywhere: when his family was added to a WhatsApp group of the rehab - I wasn’t. Third I wasn’t been invited to any therapy with him, when his family was. So I suspected smth, and even his family did. But he was just saying we
were all crazy.
When he came to ask for divorce his main reason was that HE CAN NOT BE IN RELATIONSHIPS RIGHT NOW and probably for a long time. That he depends on me and he cant depend on anyone now. That he loves me so much and all the time wants to make me happy and right now he only needs to focus on himself and be alone.
So that was on 29 of august. After that he came several times and was touching me, looking at me. Borrowed money from me. I told him he was confusing me and he said that that’s how sick he was but he didn’t want to confuse me. So I’ve had enough and I moved to my own place. He hasn’t called me or texted me in all this time.
So now that I open his computer I see the chat with his “psychologist”, messages “my love”,”I want to make love to you”, pictures of them kissing. It was like someone took the floor under my feet. I felt so broken, so empty, sad and betrayed... She is still “psychologing” him, he always calls her if he has problems with his dad and she “calms him down”. He was hiding it from everyone, no one knew. So everyone is in shock as well. He saw that I am at the farm and texted her “My mother and sister brought her to the farm, so annoying. I don’t even wanna go there and see them.” She said “Yea, the situation is complicated, you see how they want to unite you with her? They just think that your awaiting is gonna pass and you will reunite.” He said “Ugh, I can’t stand my mother or my sister”.
So you left me in a foreign country all alone and you don’t even want your family to speak with me? What’s the **** did I do to you??? I feel soo bad, I can’t even describe it... This is a person who has been 10 months in recovery and already took a decision to divorce with the person he said was “the love of his life” and already entered new relationship with his psychologist and sponsor from rehab....
Please, help me to feel better. I know here I will be understood
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Ok Mash...
I hear you, I feel for you, you are in shock, or something quite a bit uglier. This is brutal stuff you have found.
Being betrayed is a knife to the gut, no two ways about it.
You are in for a rough ride.
Right now your head may be a mess, swarming. I have been right where you are.
To start with, we are all here to help you.
I hear you, I feel for you, you are in shock, or something quite a bit uglier. This is brutal stuff you have found.
Being betrayed is a knife to the gut, no two ways about it.
You are in for a rough ride.
Right now your head may be a mess, swarming. I have been right where you are.
To start with, we are all here to help you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
I'm so sorry mash that you got hurt again by him. I have to say I'm not surprised. He is not a good man. He is not relationship material. Are you sure she is his therapist or even his psychologist? The Mother and Sister know the psychologist's name, is it the same?
I ask because this all sounds very unorthodox.
She, well I won't even talk about her actually, she is obviously not ok either and manipulative as well.
It's possible she has been manipulating him, could explain his change of heart/behaviour, but that's his situation right now and would you even want to be around someone who could so easily be swayed?
This all takes him further away from recovery.
I know it's hard to understand, where did THAT guy go! But addiction is a strange thing, his lifestyle was strange from the beginning. He claimed to be "sober" when you met him, but you don't that he actually was. Even though you noticed it after a year, you said that he was very good at hiding it and pretending to the the good son and the good employee, why not the good husband?
Well that is not actually who he is, at least not right now, maybe he never was and that was just what he showed to the world.
You know, at the very least, he's a liar.
All that said, It's in your best interests to keep doing what you have been by staying away from him and working on yourself and your life. It was nice of his Mother and Sister to invite you over, but maybe in future you can see them away from the farm? Maybe meet for lunch occasionally in your town for instance. He is not the man you once thought you knew.
I ask because this all sounds very unorthodox.
She, well I won't even talk about her actually, she is obviously not ok either and manipulative as well.
It's possible she has been manipulating him, could explain his change of heart/behaviour, but that's his situation right now and would you even want to be around someone who could so easily be swayed?
This all takes him further away from recovery.
I know it's hard to understand, where did THAT guy go! But addiction is a strange thing, his lifestyle was strange from the beginning. He claimed to be "sober" when you met him, but you don't that he actually was. Even though you noticed it after a year, you said that he was very good at hiding it and pretending to the the good son and the good employee, why not the good husband?
Well that is not actually who he is, at least not right now, maybe he never was and that was just what he showed to the world.
You know, at the very least, he's a liar.
All that said, It's in your best interests to keep doing what you have been by staying away from him and working on yourself and your life. It was nice of his Mother and Sister to invite you over, but maybe in future you can see them away from the farm? Maybe meet for lunch occasionally in your town for instance. He is not the man you once thought you knew.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Originally Posted by woodlandlost 
Ok Mash...
I hear you, I feel for you, you are in shock, or something quite a bit uglier. This is brutal stuff you have found.
Being betrayed is a knife to the gut, no two ways about it.
You are in for a rough ride.
Right now your head may be a mess, swarming. I have been right where you are.
To start with, we are all here to help you.
I hear you, I feel for you, you are in shock, or something quite a bit uglier. This is brutal stuff you have found.
Being betrayed is a knife to the gut, no two ways about it.
You are in for a rough ride.
Right now your head may be a mess, swarming. I have been right where you are.
To start with, we are all here to help you.
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Mashabo......I am ssure that you must be feeling a mix of many kinds of emotions, right now. Anyone would! I think that it is very important for you to have someone(s) that you can talk to, about how you are feeling and what you are going through. It can be a friend or clergy or anyone who understands what a shock you have received. As long as it is a real live human.
You, of course, also, have us. who understand the depts of this kind of pain. It is o.k. to cry, also, if you feel like it----whatever helps.
You, of course, also, have us. who understand the depts of this kind of pain. It is o.k. to cry, also, if you feel like it----whatever helps.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm so sorry mash that you got hurt again by him. I have to say I'm not surprised. He is not a good man. He is not relationship material. Are you sure she is his therapist or even his psychologist? The Mother and Sister know the psychologist's name, is it the same?
I ask because this all sounds very unorthodox.
She, well I won't even talk about her actually, she is obviously not ok either and manipulative as well.
I ask because this all sounds very unorthodox.
She, well I won't even talk about her actually, she is obviously not ok either and manipulative as well.
That’s just crazy, honesly. In one of his writings from July he wrote that he drew a picture for her because she is his angel who helped him so much, so she deserves the best of him... my heart hurts only writing this.
Originally Posted by trailmix
It's possible she has been manipulating him, could explain his change of heart/behaviour, but that's his situation right now and would you even want to be around someone who could so easily be swayed?
This all takes him further away from recovery.
This all takes him further away from recovery.
Originally Posted by trailmix
I know it's hard to understand, where did THAT guy go! But addiction is a strange thing, his lifestyle was strange from the beginning. He claimed to be "sober" when you met him, but you don't that he actually was. Even though you noticed it after a year, you said that he was very good at hiding it and pretending to the the good son and the good employee, why not the good husband?
Well that is not actually who he is, at least not right now, maybe he never was and that was just what he showed to the world.
You know, at the very least, he's a liar.
All that said, It's in your best interests to keep doing what you have been by staying away from him and working on yourself and your life. It was nice of his Mother and Sister to invite you over, but maybe in future you can see them away from the farm? Maybe meet for lunch occasionally in your town for instance. He is not the man you once thought you knew.
Well that is not actually who he is, at least not right now, maybe he never was and that was just what he showed to the world.
You know, at the very least, he's a liar.
All that said, It's in your best interests to keep doing what you have been by staying away from him and working on yourself and your life. It was nice of his Mother and Sister to invite you over, but maybe in future you can see them away from the farm? Maybe meet for lunch occasionally in your town for instance. He is not the man you once thought you knew.
Definitely I can meet them outside the farm. The only reason for my coming was to see my dog. Cuz we had to bring him here when AH went to rehab. So I’ve missed him a lot. And that’s a big dog, so I think he will stay here permanently which breaks my heart...
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Mashabo......I am ssure that you must be feeling a mix of many kinds of emotions, right now. Anyone would! I think that it is very important for you to have someone(s) that you can talk to, about how you are feeling and what you are going through. It can be a friend or clergy or anyone who understands what a shock you have received. As long as it is a real live human.
You, of course, also, have us. who understand the depts of this kind of pain. It is o.k. to cry, also, if you feel like it----whatever helps.
You, of course, also, have us. who understand the depts of this kind of pain. It is o.k. to cry, also, if you feel like it----whatever helps.
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Unorthodox? Hmmmm...unethical would be more like it and still...not your circus. I suppose if the sister and mom report her for starting a personal relationship with her patient, she'd face some kind of sanction.
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Originally Posted by Mashabo
Thank you, dandylion. Yes, I’ve been talking to couple of people, and waiting to talk to my therapist. Cried a lot as well. I even prepared a message for him, because I feel like I need to release myself to him. I haven’t sent it yet, but plan on doing it later today.
I'd like to suggest that you hold off on sending the message for awhile. Writing letters was very theraputic for me when I went through my divorce, but I didn't send them and I'm glad I didn't. When I read over them, I realized that I said things I shouldn't have. Maybe you can write them out and work on them with your therapist? You can eventually send something but not while the wounds are so fresh. Just my experience.
Hope you find peace soon.
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I would echo the suggestion not to send the message. It would only place an expectation out there in the world that he is not likely to rise to, which will only cause you more pain.
We mustn't look to the people who hurt us to heal us. We wish they would, but they are not capable. Only we can heal ourselves.
We mustn't look to the people who hurt us to heal us. We wish they would, but they are not capable. Only we can heal ourselves.
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Hi Mash...
I wondered how you must be feeling this morning. Optimist gave good advice,,,don't react/rspond right now. I can remeber I did so much reacting when I doscovered the multiple times my ex cheated on me. Do no harm, let the dust settle before you react. It is a fight or flight state to be in. When I get in that state I want to lash out at the world. It is rarely the right call. I am so sorry to hear this has happened...it is a giant red flag of who that man is right now....you are worth so much more.
I wondered how you must be feeling this morning. Optimist gave good advice,,,don't react/rspond right now. I can remeber I did so much reacting when I doscovered the multiple times my ex cheated on me. Do no harm, let the dust settle before you react. It is a fight or flight state to be in. When I get in that state I want to lash out at the world. It is rarely the right call. I am so sorry to hear this has happened...it is a giant red flag of who that man is right now....you are worth so much more.
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Originally Posted by velma929
Unorthodox? Hmmmm...unethical would be more like it and still...not your circus. I suppose if the sister and mom report her for starting a personal relationship with her patient, she'd face some kind of sanction.
Yea, I thought so too. But at this point she resigned from that rehab...
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Well, I guess at least you know why his behavior has been so inconsistent. All rehab did for him was act as a dating service. As for his words...pffffft. They’re meaningless. He’s lying about everything, so try not to parse every word as if it has meaning, because it doesn’t.
You are a smart woman, obviously...can you start channeling some anger energy toward figuring out your legal position for a divorce? I know divorce laws vary widely from country to country and where you both are residents might matter. And maybe you can figure out a way to end up with your dog, although life on a farm for a big dog might be the best life for him if your in-laws will care for him responsibly.
I am so sorry for your hurt and how you’ve been strung along. Some day this will turn out to have been a blessing, but right now it’s awful, I know.
You are a smart woman, obviously...can you start channeling some anger energy toward figuring out your legal position for a divorce? I know divorce laws vary widely from country to country and where you both are residents might matter. And maybe you can figure out a way to end up with your dog, although life on a farm for a big dog might be the best life for him if your in-laws will care for him responsibly.
I am so sorry for your hurt and how you’ve been strung along. Some day this will turn out to have been a blessing, but right now it’s awful, I know.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Well, I guess at least you know why his behavior has been so inconsistent. All rehab did for him was act as a dating service. As for his words...pffffft. They’re meaningless. He’s lying about everything, so try not to parse every word as if it has meaning, because it doesn’t.
You are a smart woman, obviously...can you start channeling some anger energy toward figuring out your legal position for a divorce? I know divorce laws vary widely from country to country and where you both are residents might matter. And maybe you can figure out a way to end up with your dog, although life on a farm for a big dog might be the best life for him if your in-laws will care for him responsibly.
I am so sorry for your hurt and how you’ve been strung along. Some day this will turn out to have been a blessing, but right now it’s awful, I know.
You are a smart woman, obviously...can you start channeling some anger energy toward figuring out your legal position for a divorce? I know divorce laws vary widely from country to country and where you both are residents might matter. And maybe you can figure out a way to end up with your dog, although life on a farm for a big dog might be the best life for him if your in-laws will care for him responsibly.
I am so sorry for your hurt and how you’ve been strung along. Some day this will turn out to have been a blessing, but right now it’s awful, I know.
Hello, thank you for the message!
We have nothing to share in this divorce, and honestly I just don’t want to fight with him for that. What he did is on his consciousness.
As for the dog, yes, you are right. He surely is better at the farm. And if I’ll travel back home - it will be very expensive to transport him...
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Originally Posted by Mashabo
0 of spiritual principles...
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Originally Posted by Optimist4ever57
I know this is a serious issue, but I had to chuckle when I saw this. I was betrayed (many times and for nearly 15 years) by my husband who was a pastor, sang lead in a Christian band, led our church's small group, AND was the head of the 12 step program at our church. Yeah, ZERO spiritual principles!
I’m sorry to hear that about your experience. I hope you are doing better now!
Those people are ******* crazy. How can a normal person be that hypocritical and believe they do the right thing and practice spiritual principles when all they do is lie lie lie🤦🏽♀️
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Heya Mash, I don't really have anything to add other than yes good-gawd-almighty does stuff like this hurt beyond hurt.
Please take care of yourself. Get through the days the best you can and take that next right step no matter how small.
Please take care of yourself. Get through the days the best you can and take that next right step no matter how small.
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Thank you guys for your suggestions. I haven’t sent any message to him, but it bothers me so much not to say everything what I found out. The message wasn’t angry though, but my psychologist also advised not to do it.
I also read his diaries and some writings from the rehab and so many things hurt. For example he cheated on me several times and never confessed... beside that he came out with some silly story that he told me while already being in rehab, he said “They asked me if I ever cheated on you and I said no, they didn’t believe me, but it’s true. So they said to thank God for it, because it’s rare.” Why the heck would you tell me smth like this when in reality you cheated and lied... I know there is no answer to this, but it hurts.
He also writes there that he idealized love and idealized me. That it hurt him to see movie about Bill’s wife and realize that she has become the best version of herself for him and his recuperation and that he expected the same from me and it didn’t happened, and that it hurts him, cuz it was his dream.
His freaking dream, never saying anything to me, what he needs from me, what he needs from me in his recuperation. I was just left behind in the whole thing. Yes, I didn’t know anything about al-anon, this forums, books and other things because I think I was still living in denial after 6 months of his recovery, I’d appreciate if he’d tell me about the things I could do. I found it out by myself and started working on understanding his deseas and the process, but that was not enough. He just assumed that our relationship won’t work in his recuperation cuz he ****** up too much and I’d ask him for it. So he decided just leave it behind. He wanted me to be perfect for his recuperation, never being honest himself and being the best version of himself in recuperation. He was thinking about “closing the cycle” with me since April, and at the same time was calling me and saying how much he loves me, how much he wants to be with me and that we can make it work. If you want it to finish why would you keep saying all those stuff?
So now I understand why he started behaving like he did when I came back. He said he thought it was already over and I came and he didn’t know what to do. Over?! Never saying a ******* word about wanting to finish it, just treating me bad, but at the same time telling me he loves me and then come, say all the bull **** he said. And now being with his ******* psychologist. At the same time he write in his writings that he is grateful to God. That he is changing, that he is an honest person, that he is growing up as a man. Whaat? Is he really that deep in his own reality that he spend see that he is far from being honest and grown up.
Sorry, just needed to vent!
I also read his diaries and some writings from the rehab and so many things hurt. For example he cheated on me several times and never confessed... beside that he came out with some silly story that he told me while already being in rehab, he said “They asked me if I ever cheated on you and I said no, they didn’t believe me, but it’s true. So they said to thank God for it, because it’s rare.” Why the heck would you tell me smth like this when in reality you cheated and lied... I know there is no answer to this, but it hurts.
He also writes there that he idealized love and idealized me. That it hurt him to see movie about Bill’s wife and realize that she has become the best version of herself for him and his recuperation and that he expected the same from me and it didn’t happened, and that it hurts him, cuz it was his dream.
His freaking dream, never saying anything to me, what he needs from me, what he needs from me in his recuperation. I was just left behind in the whole thing. Yes, I didn’t know anything about al-anon, this forums, books and other things because I think I was still living in denial after 6 months of his recovery, I’d appreciate if he’d tell me about the things I could do. I found it out by myself and started working on understanding his deseas and the process, but that was not enough. He just assumed that our relationship won’t work in his recuperation cuz he ****** up too much and I’d ask him for it. So he decided just leave it behind. He wanted me to be perfect for his recuperation, never being honest himself and being the best version of himself in recuperation. He was thinking about “closing the cycle” with me since April, and at the same time was calling me and saying how much he loves me, how much he wants to be with me and that we can make it work. If you want it to finish why would you keep saying all those stuff?
So now I understand why he started behaving like he did when I came back. He said he thought it was already over and I came and he didn’t know what to do. Over?! Never saying a ******* word about wanting to finish it, just treating me bad, but at the same time telling me he loves me and then come, say all the bull **** he said. And now being with his ******* psychologist. At the same time he write in his writings that he is grateful to God. That he is changing, that he is an honest person, that he is growing up as a man. Whaat? Is he really that deep in his own reality that he spend see that he is far from being honest and grown up.
Sorry, just needed to vent!
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