HopeUnending

I posted for my first time here about a week ago. At the time my AH was on another bender. During which he missed a court date he asked for to end his probation from a DUI. He was supposed to be done in a few months ago but due to Covid they extended it since he could not complete jail time while they we closed for temporary inmates. His PO contacted me when he wouldn't answer her and was a no show. She told me she thought he was drinking by texts he sent her the day before court. She was wanting him to return her calls of course. I was at work and just gave vague responses and assured I would relay her concerns and messages. He called 2 days later after sobering up, got scolded and told he was off probation! I don't expect her to "fix" him but why not pull back from helping him get off probation knowing he was in violation?? I chose not to report the truth because as she proved, they have not held him accountable for his actions the whole time. I also feared if he found out I "tattled" then I'd pay the price-whatever that might be to him.
It frustrates me to no end how he always gets off easy, no worse case scenarios. He gets slaps on the wrist every time. I don't know how he can hit rock bottom when he always gets saved from it. Maybe even I save him because I haven't left (not that I don't plan to) or enable him? Is he one of those who never hit rock bottom??
He's now back drinking for however long this go around. He said he was going to have a sober Christmas/December to reclaim all the activities he's missed in prior years while drunk or sick coming off a bender. I'm disappointed but not surprised. He only really wants to be sober when he's tired if being drunk. But he won't do the hard work of staying sober.
I realize I need to help myself for co-dependence. I read the book often recommended here a lot and did learn a lot. I struggle living my life in spite of his drinking. I go to work and come home that's it. I have no friends to hang out with. I have very little family-none that know my real "life". I have lived a facade for so long but so sick of it. Maybe it's me who hit rock bottom first. As I mentioned in my first thread I have no way to save money and am finding something to rent on my own in my budget is non-existent.

ErinGoBragh

My husband didn't hit rock bottom until he was discovered dead. I found that a support system was invaluable in helping me to survive the insanity. During COVID, I know this is a major challenge. But there are online Al-anon meetings. You mention you have very little family. Perhaps now is the time to reach out to the very little you have.

I don't know your financial details, but could you rent a studio apartment? Could you get financial assistance through a government agency in order to afford rent? I have no idea why you couldn't afford something, even if it meant having a roommate.

Like the alcoholic in my life, I realized I was isolating myself too. That left me with little to no resources. In order to recover and begin living again, I had to reach out to others and make a plan to get my life back. I also realized I was making excuses to remain stuck in a very bad situation.

You can make logical arguments to remain stuck, or you can dig in and find a way to regain your life. I'm living proof it CAN be accomplished.

trailmix

Hi HU, you know, he isn't really getting off easy. Every day he is an alcoholic, he gets in trouble, he ends up on probation, he is (supposed to) go to court. I'm not saying this to evoke sympathy, just that these things are his reality.

You know, "rock bottom" is not a tangible thing. Some never reach it, to some it is losing a job, or getting arrested or getting a DUI. To others it might mean their wife/husband leaving or ending up living on the streets. To others all these things can happen and they will still drink.

Yes, this may be your rock bottom. Also, you know this doesn't have to be your secret, if you feel you want to discuss this with a trusted family member, you should, his "secret" is not yours to keep and you need all the support you can get.

Is there any way you could earn more? I know it's tough with on/off covid lockdowns, but there may be some opportunity? What about having a room mate? Anyway just some thoughts. Barring that all you can really do is distance yourself emotionally, for your own sanity.

HopeUnending

Erin-
I fear death is going to be his freedom from alcohol. I fear it in the sense he will miss the chance to live a sober life, not death itself we know his destination through salvation. He's been an alcoholic since mid-teens, 44yo now.
I make too much for subsidy to little for market rents. Our rent is very cheap because it is a tiny, old house with lots of issues we've fixed along the way. Most decent not fancy rentals are double our rent. I could rent a room or small apartment if any were available and could come up with deposit plus first/last month rent. It's not impossible just not right now, I need to begin saving. Our situation leaves me at $0 usually after bills due to major income cuts for him.

I get being stuck is my perception not how it has to be. For now my family is not nearby or equipped in ways to be supportive. They love me but I know my place in my family. I will tell my story when I have things figured out to both coworker friend and family but for now it's not a burden I want to share.
I'm at the beginning of this decision and change, I'm still trying to accept what I need to do and begin the planning with as little people knowing around me for my wellbeing. I had to "lay low" when the one outsider I confided, let it get back to my AH. I smoothed it over. But I now know I will have to leave sudden and with full plans in place.

HopeUnending

I do see his struggles, particular when sober, he is polar opposite when not drunk. And I see the pain he endures. He does hate being drunk, I believe that when he says so. It was his coping skill from a young teen til now at 44yo. He has damaged relationships, jobs, his body, and his mind. I do feel so sad he doesn't realize he can live a sober life in recovery where his body and mind can heal mostly, relationships might also heal and can generate new jobs.

I hit pretty close to if not full rock bottom I think a few months ago but his sober personality drew me back in several times. But I know without a long term commitment to recovery and sticking to it, there will be no chance of a long term marriage. I don't even feel as though I can stay through the process of getting time under his belt because I need the distance, time for my own recovery.

I have an unused graduate degree but plan to go back for medical billing so I can work from home part time, maybe transition to full time at some point and leave my current career path. My current career keeps me gone 12 hrs a day with commute. This will give me more freedom to work on me too.
I am working on my escape plan and securing a stable future is certainly part of it. There are times I hate I haven't gotten out sooner but I see through so many if you who have it will be so worth it when it happens, in the long run.

trailmix

Yes, you really do sound like you have good plans. It's also always important to keep in mind that he is just one person, the drunk person and the "sober" person, you don't get one without the other.

I agree that the distance will do you so much good. Keep focusing on yourself.