Berrybean

So, today I am 6 years sober. That's good. And I have no intention of taking a drink. And I intend to keep working on my recovery.

However, 15 months ago I started a relationship with another alcoholic, supposedly I recovery. And numerous relapses of his later I moved out. Police got involved due to a combo of harrassment and his previous conditions which made the harrassment appear to be a worrying repetition of his past exploits. And still I was idiot enough to (secretly and against his bail conditions resume contact and even see him / sleep with him.) But tomorrow is the end of bail conditions and tonight he's back to the dark side. I've listened to hours of him ranting, accusing, goading and generally being vile (because putting the phone down really does cause more problems with him phoning countless times and getting crosser). He's angry because I phoned the police when he called over 100 times in one daytime. Apparently that's me using his OCD against him. He doesn't feel responsible for his behaviour because he'd had a drink. FFS. Why on earth did I stay so long. Why did I keep coming back after each relapse? What s WRONG with me???

I still don't wish prison on him (tomorrow he's due to hear what the CPS want to do with him) but much more of his vile B.S. and that could change I reckon.

Just trying to keep my gratitude up that I'm somewhere safe (he doesn't know my new address) and that I have my friends and family and a good job - all of which I was at risk of losing 6 years ago.

I will NOT let this active alcoholic ruin this new life for me. I will not.

BB

SparkleKitty

Dee74

Good to hear from you Berrybean although I wish you didn't have this stuff happening.

No contact definitely is the way to go I reckon

Congrats on 6 years!
D

trailmix

Six years! That is an amazing accomplishment BB - congratulations!

As for the guy, is it time to block him? Do you really need him in your life?

You really deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, that's not his way.

Berrybean

Yes. You're both right about the no cobtact. It's all just craziness. Xx

Berrybean

Contact not cobtact.

trailmix

Is that something you think you are ready to do?

Berrybean

I don't think it's something that I can afford to wait to be ready for. It really does hurt to give up hope but it's false hope. Things aren't going to get better. Not for more than a week or two at a time. He's sick and I can't make him better. He can make me sick though if I stay.

I've blocked on the phone and email and social media. Gutted though.

BB

HeadEast

Congratulations on 6 years. I hope you will make better choices in the future.

Stayingsassy

Berry bean: you were one of the first people at SR who came to greet me and help me in my first week. You’re such a kind and wonderful person.

It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do. It’s hard, especially if you still have feelings for him. But you have to save yourself.

Congratulations on your six years!

Berrybean

Thanks Staying Sassy.
I need to stay strong. Xx

His bail conditions to make no contact with me expire today - not that they made and difference once he had a drink in him. Wondering if the court will decide to extend them. They're not that great at letting me know what's happening.

Fusion

Happy Six Year Sobriety Birthday, Berrybean!

I'm so sorry to read of your ordeals. I know from experience how decisions should be clear-cut, but my emotions complicate things. I do hope this experience is behind you soon. Take great care of yourself x.

trailmix

Yes, it's hard sometimes, but it's also something that will actually make you feel better - later.

It's one of those things to do one day at a time, or one hour or 15 minutes at a time if needed.

Eventually, that need to reach out to him will fade, you already realize you can't help him, but he can certainly hurt you. It's so important to protect yourself BB.

It might help to make a list of all the reasons you aren't in contact with him, then refer to that list whenever you need to. There are strong reasons why you are doing this and sometimes we all need to be reminded of that.

Instead of listening to him talk, what are some other things you enjoy? Are there movies you want to see or walks you want to take, whatever makes you happy and content.

We are here for support if you need it.

Fusion

I do hope I haven't offended you, Berrybean.

hopeful4

Happy Birthday indeed! Well done!

Stay strong!

Berrybean

Tasty, not at all. I completely agree with what you wrote. 🙂

Berrybean

Okay. Like with when I stopped drinking, sometimes this will be an hour at a time. I need to look after HALT to stay sane and strong. I think I'm going to do an AA step 1 inventory about the relationship with my sponsor when I speak to her later. And I'm going to check to see if there are and ACA meetings that I can get to today as well.

Although his number s blocked from actually ringing when he calls it seems that it does record his voicemails. I just deleted a load without listening to them. Is that the right thing to do? They're s pain to leave on there as I can't get to other people's messages easily otherwise. Even hearing only the first word of the messages I can tell yesterday was self pity and pleadings. Today will likely be angry and entitled. Tomorrow likely suicide threats. The pattern becomes predictable over time and so slightly less fear inducing when it actually happens. The fear now comes in the waiting for those explosive rage and hate days that I know come too.

Please God don't let him ever find where I am.

BB

Dee74

hell yes.

yesterday you decided no contact was best - what possible good could it do for you to listen to his voice mails?

You fought your alcohol addiction and stared down every dumb crazy idea...and you used the support here and at other places like AA

the same reaching out for support, the same boundaries, the same clear thinking and the same principles of non engagement will help you defeat this addiction too BB

D

Berrybean

Thanks Dee. I need to stay strong. And just like early sobriety, weekends tend to be the worst.

There's an ACA meeting at 12.15 which should help and I'll def be speaking to my AA sponsor today as well.

Thanks again.

BB

trailmix

Yes BB, you will do this and overcome it. It will take time for you to get your equilibrium on it, but you do sound determined.

As for his continued calls, it might be a good idea to let him know you don't wish to speak with him anymore. If that means a quick text or un-blocking him temporarily somewhere to let him know.

That way, he has been warned. It might not stop him but you will have proof if it escalates (like calling 100 times a day!) or whatnot, that you told him to stop.

Anyway just a thought.