Berrybean

Awake at 3am (goodness knows why I keep waking at this time . The house and the village are quiet as anything ). Been rereading all of your encouraging words and they really do help. I miss having a like button on here.

Love you all xxx

FeelingGreat

You can use the thanks button at the bottom right of the post BB. Guess you're up now. How cute to live in a little village. Is it nice?

Berrybean

I can't see the like button. Maybe because I'm using my phone. The village us so nice. The house I'm living in was built in 1843 and is so cute and quirky, I feel so at home there 😁

Dee74

some devices won't have the thank button if you use the mobile view.

D

Berrybean

Okay. Time to come clean. After a few reasonable contacts I agreed to meet him for him to give me some of my stuff and ended up getting sucked back in / hoovered back up, whatever. I know. I'm an idiot.

The good side is that I resisted his encouragement to move back in, and managed to keep my address secret from him (I bloody hope so anyway - any prayers out there, please add that one to your prayer list).

Anyway, he managed to keep it together for a while. I think because lock-down suited him as he didn't have to share my attention with anyone. But recently the inevitable happened and he started drinking again. Not secretly, and not when I was there, but I know where this will lead. I can't even be bothered to type it. Just more of the same. Anyway, tonight I told him how I feel about it, ie. that I can't be with him if he's drinking - and it makes no difference that (for now) that hasn't been when I'm there, because that's what it'll progress to, plus his mental health issues will all kick off as well. Well, they will now anyway, won't they!)

Anyway - i'm feeling strangely calm at the moment. Not scared (because i don't think he can find me). Not upset - he's just worn me out and I just feel relief for now. I'm not looking forward to the inevitable post-break-up ****-storm, and hundreds of texts etc. But I think I feel more confident about blocking him if / when that kicks off this time. Hopefully he'll remember being locked up last time and not do it again, but I'm not presuming anything.

For now I need to expect the worst and hope for the best, and just pray for him and for myself.

I deserve better. I need to be responsible and give myself what I need. His needs are his responsibility.

Dee74

I think you do deserve better - and I think you hanging around may be impeding his necessary race to the bottom and that window of clarity when you realise things really are unmanageable.

Its best for both of you to move on BB.

D

Berrybean

I know Dee. Thankyou. I've been in an odd mood all day, kind of waiting for the poop to hit the fan and then just went kind of numb and calm once it'd happened. Too hot to sleep yet though and waiting to talk to my AA buddy overseas so still awake, The calls from him have started now - I'm not picking up and have set him to silent. Not sure why I can't bring myself to block him. Maybe because I know that will enrage him and I want some thinking time before that happens just to ensure I'm belt and braces safe in every way (he's poisonous when he's angry, and his OCD makes things pretty horrendous. I've just got to weather that storm this time.

Dee74

whether you block him or ghost him I hope you're done with communicating with the guy,
He sounds worse with every post.

D

Berrybean

To be fair, he can be nice when he chooses. But he tends to get pretty un-nice when things don't go his way (just like a lot of us when we weren't sober / in recovery. I've blocked him now. I don't need to know when he tries to contact.

I'm meeting a friend tomorrow for a catch up, so that'll be a good distraction, then zoom AA meeting tomorrow night. I can do this. I need to treat him like alcohol. He's an unhealthy addiction that I need to beat.

BB

Dee74

You;re not a stranger to these FF forums BB - the fact someone can sometimes be nice doesn't really mean much when they're not being very nice at all.

There's an air of danger with this guy can makes me worry for you.

In the end, it's up to you, but I hope you continue to make good choices.

D

Berrybean

Thanks Dee - I'm going to do my best not to get hoovered back up. Going to stick close to AA and here for a bit, and only spend time with loving people who have earned my trust. God has blessed me with some amazing people in my life - I don't need to squander my time and resources on someone who has chosen to drink even though they know how it always makes them behave. If I want to stop being treated like a door mat I need to get myself up off the floor. I can't change him - just my choices.

biminiblue

Nice to see you, BB.

Now you know what I was talking about that time about using extreme caution when breaking up with a narcissistic, entitled alcoholic. I'm sorry you had to find out firsthand.

Hopefully he'll get tired of not getting his ego "supply" now that you've gone silent. Be careful.

Berrybean

Hiya Bim. Yes, unfortunately it's been a long lesson (I'm a slow learner and am inclined to want to give people the chance to change - ironic lol). My aim now is to stay strong without becoming bitter or angry. Not sure I'm going to manage that every day but for the moment I'm okay. Time to sleep now I think though. Thank goodness for audio books.

Seren

Hi Berrybean, I'm sorry to hear it and hope you're OK.

Sometimes it takes a few tries for us to learn some lessons. I know that's true for me. Hang in there!

trailmix

You know, that's understandable. None of us likes to/wants to cut someone out of our lives that has some good qualities. Well you did give him that chance and you have the result of that. It's a shame for sure, but, as you know, nothing to be done.

I think one positive thing to take away from this experience though is you assessed the situation and got out of it. Strong boundary there BB and that's a great thing.

Take extra good care of yourself over the next few days? I hope you enjoy your get together with your friend tomorrow.

Berrybean

Well I woke up after very little sleep feeling pretty positive and went to meet my friend. It's a heatwave here today so that meeting was pretty short and sweet. This afternoon I've been sitting in a dark room trying to stay cool.

The last time I left my A the police told me that I should send him a firm and clear message to confirm exactly how I felt and that I don't want him to contact me or my friends / family (so that there is no room for confusion). Of course, he will be feeling bewildered now. (Denial and feelings of entitlement can do that to an active alcoholic.) I can see on my phone that there have been a number of messages and calls gone to the blocked area from him. He's also e-mailed. And he's sent friend requests to my friends on social media. So, I have done what the police told me to do last time, so that there is no room for him to say that he 'didn't understand' or whatever such BS. I have tried to be calm, stick to facts , and keep it simple so he can understand it even if he's drunk. Let's be clear - I don't think that it will make the slightest bit of difference to what he does, but (1) I can keep it as evidence of the fact of what I've told him and (2) It makes me feel better that I have done what I could to keep things calm and cordial .

SO, yes I did make contact but just as a way of drawing a line under things for my own peace of mind and as evidence should I need it (if he starts harassing me or my friends / family as he has in the past).

And now I'm going to go for a walk and listen to my audio book in a shady country lane somewhere.

BB

Berrybean

Well I woke up after very little sleep feeling pretty positive and went to meet my friend. It's a heatwave here today so that meeting was pretty short and sweet. This afternoon I've been sitting in a dark room trying to stay cool.

The last time I left my A the police told me that I should send him a firm and clear message to confirm exactly how I felt and that I don't want him to contact me or my friends / family (so that there is no room for confusion). Of course, he will be feeling bewildered now. (Denial and feelings of entitlement can do that to an active alcoholic.) I can see on my phone that there have been a number of messages and calls gone to the blocked area from him. He's also e-mailed. And he's sent friend requests to my friends on social media. So, I have done what the police told me to do last time, so that there is no room for him to say that he 'didn't understand' or whatever such BS. I have tried to be calm, stick to facts , and keep it simple so he can understand it even if he's drunk. Let's be clear - I don't think that it will make the slightest bit of difference to what he does, but (1) I can keep it as evidence of the fact of what I've told him and (2) It makes me feel better that I have done what I could to keep things calm and cordial .

SO, yes I did make contact but just as a way of drawing a line under things for my own peace of mind and as evidence should I need it (if he starts harassing me or my friends / family as he has in the past).

Took a matter of minutes for 2 nasty emails to come back from him. No surprise there.

BB

Berrybean

Well I woke up after very little sleep feeling pretty positive and went to meet my friend. It's a heatwave here today so that meeting was pretty short and sweet. This afternoon I've been sitting in a dark room trying to stay cool.

The last time I left my A the police told me that I should send him a firm and clear message to confirm exactly how I felt and that I don't want him to contact me or my friends / family (so that there is no room for confusion). Of course, he will be feeling bewildered now. (Denial and feelings of entitlement can do that to an active alcoholic.) I can see on my phone that there have been a number of messages and calls gone to the blocked area from him. He's also e-mailed. And he's sent friend requests to my friends on social media. So, I have done what the police told me to do last time, so that there is no room for him to say that he 'didn't understand' or whatever such BS. I have tried to be calm, stick to facts , and keep it simple so he can understand it even if he's drunk. Let's be clear - I don't think that it will make the slightest bit of difference to what he does, but (1) I can keep it as evidence of the fact of what I've told him and (2) It makes me feel better that I have done what I could to keep things calm and cordial .

SO, yes I did make contact but just as a way of drawing a line under things for my own peace of mind and as evidence should I need it (if he starts harassing me or my friends / family as he has in the past).

Took a matter of minutes for 2 nasty emails to come back from him. No surprise there.

BB

biminiblue

Can you block him on email too? No reason to read that stuff, it's just going to upset you.

Berrybean

I've just set a 'rule' on my Hotmail that anything coming from him goes straight into a specific folder. That way if anything happens it's easy to access if it's necessary, but I won't have to see them coming in. I def don't want to read them - he's already started with the accusations of me seeing someone else, which are completely unfounded and just designed to prod me into retaliation.

On my phone its a bit irritating that it tells me when something has come through that's blocked. I've got that horrible thing at the moment where it's hard not to look at the wreckage. Never mind - early days and all that. If I don't react he'll hopefully go in search of a new supply. Got a good meeting to go to tonight. I'll be okay if I stay in the middle of the boat with lovely folk like you around me.

Thanks x