biminiblue

Your phone does that? That is annoying. When I block someone on my iPhone I never see a thing.

Don't take that first drink [read or communicate with him].

Berrybean

Yes, I think iphones are better than android for a lot of things. Oh well. I'm not going to listen to or read any of them, and not going to contact again. I've said my piece.

Meeting soon so that should help. Then back here and an early night.

Thanks again to all you lovely people. I am blessed.

BB

Bekindalways

Hey Berry, I hope things are going okay. When I left my qualifier I used to count days of no contact as I knew with time I would feel better. I hope you are getting through the days alright. It sure can be brutal.

Let us know how you get on.

Berrybean

Hi BKA. Thanks for your message. Well it only happened Thursday evening. Friday I did contact with an email to clarify my understanding of what had happened and my expectations re what should happen next (ie feel free to chuck out any of my possessions that are in his house - this has been used successfully as leverage in the past & Please don't keep contacting me or my friends and family). This I did because last time I left and there was harassment the police said that I should have made all this very clear in one message otherwise he just acts all confused and says that's why he called / texted 53 times in one morning. Predictably that triggered a number of short and nasty replies from him.

I do expect that over the next few weeks I'll have a bit of a roller coaster of emotions - depression, rage, loneliness, grief, fear, etc. But for now I don't feel bad. Physically I'm off my food and my stomach is upset and it's hard to sleep (but that could all be to do with the heatwave we're experiencing as well). I've now managed to satisfactorily blocked on my phone so that I no longer see any notification that he has contacted. I did block him on FB, but he also seems to have disappeared from there, so I have a suspicion that he may have changed his name on there or something silly - anyway, I won't be posting on there for the foreseeable future. No great loss. Any emails he sends are successfully going straight into the folder marked with his name. My challenge to myself is to not check that folder to see if he's sent something. Sounds easy doesn't it lol.

I think it's going to take a while for me to accept / trust that he won't be able to contact me. Any notification ping on my phone sends my pulse and heart rate racing. And although I don't think he knows where I live, if any vehicle if heard pulling up outside the house, or someone shouting to call their dog, or (even worse) a knock on the door, I find myself jumping and getting quite panicked. I don't think he WILL turn up, but in the past he has turned up at an old address and stabbed my tyres and caused a disturbance. He would say that I'm 'living in the past' saying this, but it's definitely caused some ongoing fear and so I think I'm likely to be hyper-vigilant for some time. All part of the journey / process I suppose. Hopefully I'll be feeling stronger and more confident for the start of the new school year in September, as I'd hate for him to cause trouble at work. But that's for then, not now. For now I need to ensure that I have problems, not just complaints (problems have solutions!!).

So, for today I will commit to looking after myself and problem-solving by ...
Going no contact - NOT check that e-mail box or make any further contact
Look after myself, going back to basic with the HALT that got me through early sobriety

H for Hungry- I will eat at least a small meal three times a day
A for Angry - I will hand things over to God / use the resentment prayer / use my 12-step program to deal with any anger
L for Lonely - I will contact friends and family (no isolating) / I will use Zoom AA and the SoberRecovery forum daily
T for Tired - I will rest (even if it's hard to sleep) - today I'll treat myself to some lavender for my bath and pillow and relaxing tea

If anyone has any other suggestions please tell me. I have been through this before with him (5 times) and always caved. I really don't want to get hoovered back up this time. I want to reclaim my life and my self.

BB x

trailmix

Hey BB, I think you are doing really well and I really like your HALT plans.

For the ping on the phone, I went through this once, so I turned it off. My phone doesn't flash for notifications, but I would have turned that off too. I strongly believe that I am in charge of electronics, they are not in charge of me! I'll check for messages when I want to, not because it pings or flashes or whatever lol

So I would do that if I were you, at least for a little while, even if it's only on weekends and evenings, if it's not plausible because of work or something. Another thing you might try is changing the sound it makes when you have a notification?

Anyway, just a small thing but I found it was really helpful (I have never turned it back on in fact and I'm good with that).

Have you written a list of all the negatives in the relationship that was? A hard copy that you have with you at all times. Anytime you see something or think of something that triggers those "good times" memories, you can refer to the list (even 20 times a day to start!) to remember why you are doing this and how destructive it is to you.

Berrybean

Hi TM. Thanks,

Yes, I've turned the pings off now. Like you say, I don't need to be told to check my phone.

I was going to do that list this afternoon but got carried away watching Dr Ramani's videos about narcissists, taking notes like I was in a lecture. All rang ridiculously true. Could have ticked everything off if she gave me a list. Wish I could get as many matches on the lottery! Then I arranged a last minute evening out with a colleague from my school who I used to be close to, as I know she's on her own too. Just had a meal and a few colas and good natter, Just back and its pretty late (for me anyway). So, the list will need to wait til tomorrow.

I've made the decision not to go to church tomorrow as this will be the one place my ex will know where to find me, and I suppose better safe than sorry.

BB

Bekindalways

This gave me a chuckle . . . . sigh . . . . yep, to a certain extent folks are pretty predictable. The details will be a bit different but the trends are the same for both narcissists and alcoholics; I'm sure there are some characteristics that are exactly the same.

Most of us have to learn a certain amount about relationships with addicts via experience but if at all possible learn from others who tell the tales from the depths of the dance. Kudos to you for getting out and away. Keep at it.

Berrybean

Well, today my phone blocked 66 messages (the number won't have been a coincidence). He left 13 messages. He likes numbers.
He then turned up at my Zoom AA and caused problems. Got exited pretty quick though for threatening behavior.

All of this behavior reinforces for me that I made the right decision.

I was sad earlier. Now I'm just peeved.

And yes, I know I shouldn't have counted. I'm just keeping an eye out for if it gets to the stage where I should let the police know he's harassing.

I have not responded though. (When I saw him pop up in the zoom I just turned my camera off, and ignored the messages he sent using the zoom messenger.)

biminiblue

It is harrassing if he calls once after you told him not to.

Which you did.


I'd find a different meeting.

Berrybean

Apparently now he's been chucked out of that one once his phone will be blocked automatically, so hopefully it'll be okay. I've been given some links for some good women only meetings though. There are lots of meeting options now we're all Zoomed up so that's okay. I want to try an AlAnon one though. Need to work on my codie tendancies (regardless of what he does / doesn't do). Can't be getting into any more situations like this in future so I need to work on this!

Bekindalways

Kudos to you for this Bean . . . sigh . . . . most of us wind up with these folks for a reason. Ugh.

Seren

You handled it all with grace and strength, Berrybean! You should be proud of that Hope you find a women's only meeting this evening or tomorrow, and an Al-Anon one you like, too.

Berrybean

Thanks Seren.

I've been visiting my mum today, so by the time I came back it was just cooking dinner, eating, then making it to a known meeting with password only access.

Had a few more distant friends and acquaintances contact me today to make me aware that they'd received friend requests from him on social media. I can only presume that there were others who haven't thought to tell me. Have to wonder what he's up to, but wish I could just switch off my thoughts & hyper-vigilance about him for a couple of days.

Time to hand it over to my HP xx

Seren

Hopefully all this activity on his part is just his final volley until he slips quietly away into his own world. You're doing great!!

I sometimes visualize wrapping these little mind-churning issues up in the blanket and handing the whole package up to my HP

Berrybean

Seren, you know what, my song of the day is 'Down By the Riverside' and I have a nice mental image of laying those inner conflicts (and him) down at the riverside to be washed away. My lovely friend Anne has recently started actually writing her things down on a piece of paper and physically throwing them 'up to God' which she says helps, so maybe I'll have a go at that today.

Thankyou xxx

Berrybean

Hi. Just an update. On Sunday evening my ex was arrested after I finally got the courage up to make a statement. He'd been harassing me and friends and family and bombing AA meetings that I might go to. Yesterday (Monday) he was charged with Stalking without intent to harm. The court case is today. I suspect they hurried if along in case I had a change of heart / changed my mind. It seems that I don't have to go to court myself . Surprised but relieved about that. I've been awake since before dawn. I will be relieved when it's all settled but scared that they might not put the restraining order in place, and if so, what then???!!! I just want this done now.

Berry.

Dee74

sorry it came to that but I hope it keeps him away.

D

Seren

Hi Berrybean, I'm sorry it had to come to this, too, but he brought it on himself. It's no one else's fault that he finds himself in this position.

Based on what little you have shared here, and guessing that there is much you haven't, I would be feeling pretty confident that the restraining order will be granted. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Berrybean

Just a sanity update. So on the 17th August he went to court and pleaded guilty. However the judge didn't feel equipped to sentence him as his previous record wasn't available for him to look at. So they did a new court date for 3rd week in September and released him on bail conditions to not contact, which of course he broke. They rearrested him shortly after and back to court he went. Pled guilty to further charges and that time remanded in custody til new court date at end of month. That came and probation hadn't prepared their report. Jeez Louise! So, back into custody until new court date on 12th Oct (tomorrow). I've kinda given up hoping for this to just get resolved / decided now. Haha, wish I'd given up hope on HIM quite as quickly. I know it'll get sorted eventually but I'm so tired of this waiting and each time not knowing if by tomorrow night he'll be out and tempted to give in to his urge to drink and then start up again.

I'm also just feeling sad and envious of people who I really love, and don't begrudge them what they have. Caring relationships. Children. My friend with one lovely dog who just got a new puppy (I had to take mine to the shelter when I left with nowhere to go). A home of my own that's bloody warm. And I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way. That I have do much to be grateful for. I just seem to be hurting today. Gah.

SparkleKitty

Sending virtual hugs, Berrybean. This will all pass, as you well know.