Support for My Partner
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 1
Support for My Partner
Hi Everyone -- I am new to the group as of about 5 minutes ago. I'm writing because I am seeking some help to think about my role in supporting my boyfriend in thinking over how and if he wants to seek help for over-drinking. He is a young widow with a young daughter and we have been together about 6 months. He is deeply depressed and his child is really struggling with what are understandable behaviors after her mom died a few years ago. He does not over-drink daily but it's increasing weekly and it is coupled with Klonopin and he still drives and does things that scare me for their safety. And, while is otherwise kind and gentle, he has become increasing verbally unkind with me when he drinks. Last weekend he combined the drug and the drinking (12 beers) and broke up with me. Then, called to beg me back. I have agreed if he gets support for the drinking and PTSD he is facing, but he has not started. He knows and says he wants to stop drinking and get help for him and his daughter who is really struggling. I am worried for them. He was also drinking last night and I had to just hold space and listen for hours. I want to help and be a supportive partner, but I'm worried for my own emotional safety and possibly physical. I'm a busy single mom with a career that involves caring for abused children. I'm not a stranger to helping others but I'm trying to find loving boundaries for myself and for him. He's currently just fixated on doing a strong dose of mushrooms and thinks that will fix things. I am worried he's about to go off an emotional cliff. And, his daughter finally trusts and loves me. I'm not willing to be an an abusive or harmful relationship long-term but I'm also not wanting to leave him or leave her. I'd love insights and experiences as I work toward a loving way to navigate this. With gratitude - Anka
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,453
Hi AnkaChristine - welcome 
I moved your thread here for more response.
You'll doubtless hear this again but boundaries are really important - it's important to set them and to stick to them.
I don't believe you can 'make' someone get sober but you can insist on boundaries for your own self welfare.
I was a drinker and weed smoker for 30 years. sober nearly 13 years now.
I hope your partner has the moment of clarity I did, sees what he's doing to himself and those who love him, and gets into recovery.
I feel sorry for you but especially for his little girl too.
D
I moved your thread here for more response.
You'll doubtless hear this again but boundaries are really important - it's important to set them and to stick to them.
I don't believe you can 'make' someone get sober but you can insist on boundaries for your own self welfare.
I was a drinker and weed smoker for 30 years. sober nearly 13 years now.
I hope your partner has the moment of clarity I did, sees what he's doing to himself and those who love him, and gets into recovery.
I feel sorry for you but especially for his little girl too.
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Hi and welcome, but of course sorry for what brings you here.
The most loving way to navigate this? From a distance - at least a very big emotional distance. When we put ourselves in the way of emotional harm to ourselves, we help no one and particularly not ourselves.
Why did you feel you had to hold space and listen to him for hours while he's drinking? To protect the child? I guarantee you he is drinking when you aren't there so that's very temporary.
You can't really help him to "stop" drinking, you can encourage him sure, but likely that will put you in enemy territory.
I really recommend learning as much as you can about alcoholism and addiction in general. I don't know how much you already know about it but quitting can be very difficult and it certainly doesn't sound like he's on board right now?
If you read the other posts in this forum, also the stickies at the top found here, you will find a wealth of information.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I hope you stick around!
The most loving way to navigate this? From a distance - at least a very big emotional distance. When we put ourselves in the way of emotional harm to ourselves, we help no one and particularly not ourselves.
Why did you feel you had to hold space and listen to him for hours while he's drinking? To protect the child? I guarantee you he is drinking when you aren't there so that's very temporary.
You can't really help him to "stop" drinking, you can encourage him sure, but likely that will put you in enemy territory.
I really recommend learning as much as you can about alcoholism and addiction in general. I don't know how much you already know about it but quitting can be very difficult and it certainly doesn't sound like he's on board right now?
If you read the other posts in this forum, also the stickies at the top found here, you will find a wealth of information.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I hope you stick around!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
Welcome! I am also sorry for what brings you here but I am sure you will find a wealth of support and information. As trailmix and Dee have shared it really is almost impossible to make someone quit drinking, as you read through these threads you will see that many of us, myself included, have spent years trying. I have tried begging, negotiating, threatening, trying to educate him on the evils of alcohol,you name it, nothing has worked. An alcoholic can really wreak havoc on the lives of those closest to them so I would caution you to proceed with your eyes wide open. Good luck to you, I truly hope for his daughter's sake he turns it around.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,425
I hope this ends the best way possible for you.
I really don't know what my wife could have ever done or said, that had a chance of occurring in real life, that would have helped or encouraged me to quit drinking. Long standing issues at home that had gone unaddressed were a part of what was keeping me locked in the cycle.
Finally, through a sequence of events, which included a very uncomfortable conversation initiated by me and during which I was pretty much inebriated, was I finally able to begin forward progress. Finding SR about that time was also instrumental.
It sounds like you are thinking your way through this clearly. All I can suggest might be to ask him what you could do to help him get a handle on his drinking.
I really don't know what my wife could have ever done or said, that had a chance of occurring in real life, that would have helped or encouraged me to quit drinking. Long standing issues at home that had gone unaddressed were a part of what was keeping me locked in the cycle.
Finally, through a sequence of events, which included a very uncomfortable conversation initiated by me and during which I was pretty much inebriated, was I finally able to begin forward progress. Finding SR about that time was also instrumental.
It sounds like you are thinking your way through this clearly. All I can suggest might be to ask him what you could do to help him get a handle on his drinking.
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