In recovery living with alcoholic spouse
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
In recovery living with alcoholic spouse
Is there any hope?
The abuse has been consistent for years. My wife will just rage. Constant demeaning, insulting, I'm always making her angry. I walk on eggshells afraid of the next time she'll go off on me. It usually blindsides me. I used to just get obliterated when the fighting would start, when I was in active alcoholism the fighting was really really bad.
Tomorrow makes 2 years 11 months for me. Horrible fight tonight, starting like usual with her putting me down and insulting me until I get upset, then she spins it around and acts like I'm upset with her for no reason and starts acting like a victim. It messes with my head.
She's gotten physical with me in the spring and pushed me hard into a desk in my room twice. Tonight she was trying to goad me into being physical and puffed out her chest walking up to me like she wanted to fight. The second time she did it I puffed out my chest like she did and calmly/jokingly said "oh what are we going to do" I was pretty calm the whole time but an hour of rage and screaming ensued from there.
Is there any hope or is sobering up really going to end my marriage? The more I look at it the worse it looks anyways. I feel trapped. I have no family here. 14 years ago we moved to be closer to her ageing parents. We have a business together and barely get by. I think most of her anger at me (at this time) is displaced stress from trying to get a struggling business off the ground.
She tells me I have to leave the house but I have no friends since sobering up, no family, no income. I've been trying to get a job since august. We live close to her family, she has a place she could go if we were to separate. To me the fact she says I'm the one who has to leave is just another example of the emotional abuse as she knows there's no way for me to do so.
I can feel the displeasure my presence causes her, it's always nasty. We've been together 24 years and she has always been very controlling while I'm very passive.
having a hard night these fights are the biggest stress on my sobriety and I don't know what to do anymore. It can't go on like this and I'm starting to think someone abusive like this isn't going to change.
My first post in f&f thanks for listening.
Oh yeah, she found my account here and snoops on it sometimes so "hi" if you read this. Last time I posted about her treatment of me I was in trouble.
The abuse has been consistent for years. My wife will just rage. Constant demeaning, insulting, I'm always making her angry. I walk on eggshells afraid of the next time she'll go off on me. It usually blindsides me. I used to just get obliterated when the fighting would start, when I was in active alcoholism the fighting was really really bad.
Tomorrow makes 2 years 11 months for me. Horrible fight tonight, starting like usual with her putting me down and insulting me until I get upset, then she spins it around and acts like I'm upset with her for no reason and starts acting like a victim. It messes with my head.
She's gotten physical with me in the spring and pushed me hard into a desk in my room twice. Tonight she was trying to goad me into being physical and puffed out her chest walking up to me like she wanted to fight. The second time she did it I puffed out my chest like she did and calmly/jokingly said "oh what are we going to do" I was pretty calm the whole time but an hour of rage and screaming ensued from there.
Is there any hope or is sobering up really going to end my marriage? The more I look at it the worse it looks anyways. I feel trapped. I have no family here. 14 years ago we moved to be closer to her ageing parents. We have a business together and barely get by. I think most of her anger at me (at this time) is displaced stress from trying to get a struggling business off the ground.
She tells me I have to leave the house but I have no friends since sobering up, no family, no income. I've been trying to get a job since august. We live close to her family, she has a place she could go if we were to separate. To me the fact she says I'm the one who has to leave is just another example of the emotional abuse as she knows there's no way for me to do so.
I can feel the displeasure my presence causes her, it's always nasty. We've been together 24 years and she has always been very controlling while I'm very passive.
having a hard night these fights are the biggest stress on my sobriety and I don't know what to do anymore. It can't go on like this and I'm starting to think someone abusive like this isn't going to change.
My first post in f&f thanks for listening.
Oh yeah, she found my account here and snoops on it sometimes so "hi" if you read this. Last time I posted about her treatment of me I was in trouble.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Hi tekink.
Congrats on your sobriety! Your title implies your wife is still an alcoholic ? You don’t really mention it in your post which is why I’m a little confused. She definitely seems to act like one. I can’t imagine how hard it would be living with an alcoholic spouse while you are in recovery so kudos for staying sober.
You don’t have to put up with her abuse and if she continues to drink and she has zero interest in quitting it is not your sobriety that might end the marriage, it is her continued drinking, I hope you do understand that. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of you. Are you still actively working a program? Going to meetings? I would start going to alanon if you aren’t already and I would also seek out individual counseling if at all possible. You are living in a very toxic unhealthy environment from the sounds of it and as I’m sure you are aware, it will only get worse as alcoholism is a progressive disease. You will need to figure out boundaries and what you are willing to put up with. Like many people here will tell you, a drunk abuser will likely still be an abuser even if you take the alcohol away. People could change but they have to want to and I’m sure you know how hard it is to get sober and really change your ways in order to stay sober, it isn’t a quick process and even if she decided to get cela today and really seek recovery it will take a good year if not longer to see how she would change. People change when they get sober, they kind of have to if they want to stay clean, and it may or may not still be a person you want to be with. But if she is actively using and has no desire to get clean then I think you know where this is going.
It is up to you how much you want to tolerate and when enough is enough. But you don’t have to make any decisions today or even tomorrow. But at least start by getting help for you but that’s all you have control over. You can’t make her quit and if she decided to seek recovery you really can’t help her with that either. So it is all out of your hands.
I’m a huge pleaser and it has taken me a lot of counseling to get past that and be more assertive and stand up for what I want instead of always trying to please others. From the sounds of it counseling would be really helpful for you to help you learn to be less passive. But like anything it won’t change overnight.
Good luck and take care of you. Go to AA or alanon and I bet you will find friends as these people are on your same level and know what you’ve been through it might be easier to open up to people there. Maybe find a volunteer position somewhere until you can find a job. It will get you out of the house and you can meet people and hopefully get you out so your isolation a bit. I think that’s healthy whether you have trouble at home or not.
Congrats on your sobriety! Your title implies your wife is still an alcoholic ? You don’t really mention it in your post which is why I’m a little confused. She definitely seems to act like one. I can’t imagine how hard it would be living with an alcoholic spouse while you are in recovery so kudos for staying sober.
You don’t have to put up with her abuse and if she continues to drink and she has zero interest in quitting it is not your sobriety that might end the marriage, it is her continued drinking, I hope you do understand that. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to take care of you. Are you still actively working a program? Going to meetings? I would start going to alanon if you aren’t already and I would also seek out individual counseling if at all possible. You are living in a very toxic unhealthy environment from the sounds of it and as I’m sure you are aware, it will only get worse as alcoholism is a progressive disease. You will need to figure out boundaries and what you are willing to put up with. Like many people here will tell you, a drunk abuser will likely still be an abuser even if you take the alcohol away. People could change but they have to want to and I’m sure you know how hard it is to get sober and really change your ways in order to stay sober, it isn’t a quick process and even if she decided to get cela today and really seek recovery it will take a good year if not longer to see how she would change. People change when they get sober, they kind of have to if they want to stay clean, and it may or may not still be a person you want to be with. But if she is actively using and has no desire to get clean then I think you know where this is going.
It is up to you how much you want to tolerate and when enough is enough. But you don’t have to make any decisions today or even tomorrow. But at least start by getting help for you but that’s all you have control over. You can’t make her quit and if she decided to seek recovery you really can’t help her with that either. So it is all out of your hands.
I’m a huge pleaser and it has taken me a lot of counseling to get past that and be more assertive and stand up for what I want instead of always trying to please others. From the sounds of it counseling would be really helpful for you to help you learn to be less passive. But like anything it won’t change overnight.
Good luck and take care of you. Go to AA or alanon and I bet you will find friends as these people are on your same level and know what you’ve been through it might be easier to open up to people there. Maybe find a volunteer position somewhere until you can find a job. It will get you out of the house and you can meet people and hopefully get you out so your isolation a bit. I think that’s healthy whether you have trouble at home or not.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Abuse doesn't always go hand in hand with alcoholism.
There are many abusive tactics that happen as alcoholics progress in the disease, or when challenged to give up their drug of choice, yet this sounds different/beyond that. Verbal and emotional abuse are abuse.
Calling my local resource centers and domestic abuse recovery help line have been very good experiences in moving ahead.
There are many abusive tactics that happen as alcoholics progress in the disease, or when challenged to give up their drug of choice, yet this sounds different/beyond that. Verbal and emotional abuse are abuse.
Calling my local resource centers and domestic abuse recovery help line have been very good experiences in moving ahead.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Is there any hope? Well certainly if she decides to get sober, maybe? But as you know that's 100 percent up to her.
I would really recommend you call your local DV (domestic violence) center, or the main number https://www.thehotline.org/ (they also have online chat if you are hesitant to call).
They can put you in touch with all kinds of organizations that can help you. You don't need to stay in such an abusive environment, there is help available.
Is there a chance that you could go and stay with her family for a while, as an alternative?
Anyway, just a few suggestions. Congratulations on your sobriety.
I would really recommend you call your local DV (domestic violence) center, or the main number https://www.thehotline.org/ (they also have online chat if you are hesitant to call).
They can put you in touch with all kinds of organizations that can help you. You don't need to stay in such an abusive environment, there is help available.
Is there a chance that you could go and stay with her family for a while, as an alternative?
Anyway, just a few suggestions. Congratulations on your sobriety.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Thanks everyone.
Yes, she is alcoholic. She's drinking .5 to 2 bottles of wine a day every day hasn't had a day off in over 20 years.
I was going to get into some of this in the initial post but didn't. When I first quit she offered to stop drinking in the house, I told her it was her decision to make but she didn't need to do that for me so she didn't. Earlier in december we were going through some stress but not fighting and she knows I struggle sometimes because of our work. (the business that is struggling is a wine bar). She volunteered to stop drinking in the house and she was going to take a break from drinking for some family things that were going on (father is an alzheimer's patient). She lasted a week, lost maybe 8 pounds and she's only 120 but or so to begin with. She was a lot calmer but you could tell she was a bit twisted from not drinking. I remember what brain fog was like and she was very cloudy in the head. After a week I smelled alcohol on her breath at the house for a couple days (didn't mention it) then she stopped hiding it. She's bringing wine home but stashing it so I'm not sure how much she's drinking. There's been some days with half bottles and some with whole ones. She admitted it was a lot harder than she expected, and then she said she's not going to quit drinking. Total abstinence was because her dad was switching homes and at her mom's house a bit. He got kicked out of a couple places because he can be combative in dementia so there's all this extra stress going on that makes me the outlet. She was controlling and abusive before these things started but the added layers cause for some sympathy.
It's possible I could stay with her family but I think that would really get her twisted. They know the situation and see how she treats me.
I'm really thinking I need to figure things out with my family and head over to them. My sister said she can get me a job where she works that pays well.
Yes, she is alcoholic. She's drinking .5 to 2 bottles of wine a day every day hasn't had a day off in over 20 years.
I was going to get into some of this in the initial post but didn't. When I first quit she offered to stop drinking in the house, I told her it was her decision to make but she didn't need to do that for me so she didn't. Earlier in december we were going through some stress but not fighting and she knows I struggle sometimes because of our work. (the business that is struggling is a wine bar). She volunteered to stop drinking in the house and she was going to take a break from drinking for some family things that were going on (father is an alzheimer's patient). She lasted a week, lost maybe 8 pounds and she's only 120 but or so to begin with. She was a lot calmer but you could tell she was a bit twisted from not drinking. I remember what brain fog was like and she was very cloudy in the head. After a week I smelled alcohol on her breath at the house for a couple days (didn't mention it) then she stopped hiding it. She's bringing wine home but stashing it so I'm not sure how much she's drinking. There's been some days with half bottles and some with whole ones. She admitted it was a lot harder than she expected, and then she said she's not going to quit drinking. Total abstinence was because her dad was switching homes and at her mom's house a bit. He got kicked out of a couple places because he can be combative in dementia so there's all this extra stress going on that makes me the outlet. She was controlling and abusive before these things started but the added layers cause for some sympathy.
It's possible I could stay with her family but I think that would really get her twisted. They know the situation and see how she treats me.
I'm really thinking I need to figure things out with my family and head over to them. My sister said she can get me a job where she works that pays well.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by tekink 
I'm really thinking I need to figure things out with my family and head over to them. My sister said she can get me a job where she works that pays well.
No need to make any decision about the relationship right now if you don't want to, the time and distance will give you some clarity while giving you the financial security you want.
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Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Counseling is something I want to look into but don't have the means atm. We are cash strapped. My Sister thinks I have autism and she's probably on to something she doesn't say this lightly she has a 16 year old on the spectrum and he reminds her a lot of me. She's mentioned raising him has helped her to understand me considerably more. She's a few years older than I am. There's all kinds of things at play here. I was bullied really bad as a young child and it's lead to a lot of social anxieties that in turn lead to the alcohol abuse to ease those feelings. My wife has actually said things to me like I have a defunct personality and it's my fault I was bullied. She calls me a offensive word for female genitalia and tells me i have no balls. She tells me I'm an ass hole all the time.
Sobering up makes you look at everything in a whole new way. I'm getting to the point where I realize I need to put myself first and I've always been that person who's sort of the last man standing everyone falls back on to figure out how to fix things. Often I feel stuck there simply because no one else will try. I can do computer stuff but when it comes to refrigeration systems it's all new to me.
Sobering up makes you look at everything in a whole new way. I'm getting to the point where I realize I need to put myself first and I've always been that person who's sort of the last man standing everyone falls back on to figure out how to fix things. Often I feel stuck there simply because no one else will try. I can do computer stuff but when it comes to refrigeration systems it's all new to me.
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tekink, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, I don't hear that in what you are describing.
As you know, only your wife will decide if and when she wants to quit drinking and get help, there really isn't much you can do for her.
Also, abuse whether verbal or physical is not something you should just accept.
Your family is offering you a place to stay and your Sister has connections to help you get a job. If it's something you may be interested in, that's great but even if not you can't really stay in the situation you are in much longer can you? Having family with connections could help you get other employment if the job she is offering doesn't quite suit you.
Is there any reason you wouldn't want to go and stay with family? Even for a while?
As you know, only your wife will decide if and when she wants to quit drinking and get help, there really isn't much you can do for her.
Also, abuse whether verbal or physical is not something you should just accept.
Your family is offering you a place to stay and your Sister has connections to help you get a job. If it's something you may be interested in, that's great but even if not you can't really stay in the situation you are in much longer can you? Having family with connections could help you get other employment if the job she is offering doesn't quite suit you.
Is there any reason you wouldn't want to go and stay with family? Even for a while?
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tekink, I'm going to assume you're a guy. You are being subjected to abuse on many levels, physical and mental, and the fact that you've stayed sober is hugely to your credit.
There is a lot of help out there for abused spouses. I suggest you Google the subject and put yourself in touch with a DV service. They deal with people in similar situations all the time, and will walk you through any actions you choose to take. For instance you may be able to take out a restraining order against your AW, and have her removed from the house. There are a lot of options, but you're not going to find these all by yourself. Seek help.
Are you seriously considering your sister's offer? It sounds like it could be a lifeline. As I'm sure you know, autism isn't a simple condition like, say, measles. There's a spectrum, and you could be anywhere on that, or not at all. I wouldn't label myself at this stage as your first priority is to get yourself out of the very sick and dangerous situation you find yourself in.
I'm glad you've posted here. Try to keep your online activities as private as you can. You deserve that.
There is a lot of help out there for abused spouses. I suggest you Google the subject and put yourself in touch with a DV service. They deal with people in similar situations all the time, and will walk you through any actions you choose to take. For instance you may be able to take out a restraining order against your AW, and have her removed from the house. There are a lot of options, but you're not going to find these all by yourself. Seek help.
Are you seriously considering your sister's offer? It sounds like it could be a lifeline. As I'm sure you know, autism isn't a simple condition like, say, measles. There's a spectrum, and you could be anywhere on that, or not at all. I wouldn't label myself at this stage as your first priority is to get yourself out of the very sick and dangerous situation you find yourself in.
I'm glad you've posted here. Try to keep your online activities as private as you can. You deserve that.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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Hello and sorry for what brings you here. My first 2 years of sobriety were the loneliest in my life. Al-anon saved me and if you can get to a meeting I strongly recommend that you go.
i continued with my marriage for 12 years while my husband continued to drink and drug. It wasn't easy with small children but through what I learned in al-anon we had boundaries and we managed.
In the end I left. He was never going to change. Infact, he was getting worse and had become abusive. He blamed my sobriety for the breakdown of the marriage.
Leaving was devastating for me but with time and distance from the situation I realise I am much more capable than I thought and I am building a new life for myself. I am coming to realise that he needed me much more than I needed him.
Living with an alcoholic can cause a lot of confusion and it's not always easy to see things as they really are.
you say you have no friends and nowhere to go. Ask yourself, is this really, really true?
Congratulations on your sobriety
i continued with my marriage for 12 years while my husband continued to drink and drug. It wasn't easy with small children but through what I learned in al-anon we had boundaries and we managed.
In the end I left. He was never going to change. Infact, he was getting worse and had become abusive. He blamed my sobriety for the breakdown of the marriage.
Leaving was devastating for me but with time and distance from the situation I realise I am much more capable than I thought and I am building a new life for myself. I am coming to realise that he needed me much more than I needed him.
Living with an alcoholic can cause a lot of confusion and it's not always easy to see things as they really are.
you say you have no friends and nowhere to go. Ask yourself, is this really, really true?
Congratulations on your sobriety
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
I'm very much considering my sisters offer. My dad has a ticket to come visit me February 22nd. We've been mulling selling this house and my dad offered to help put up cash to get it into more profitable conditions so we can get top dollar. This house is the result of inheritance from my mother. It's the only equity we have. It makes me even more just sad her telling me I have to go, it's her house etc. Our house is falling into a state of disrepair and I get the blame for that but when your bank account is repeatedly out of funds because your business isn't quite getting by makes it hard to keep up on things. I do the best I can with the resources we have. We are partnered in this business with her family and they cover losses. For some reason another 5 year lease was signed by the folks covering losses in hopes of turning the pace around but it's out of money and in disrepair as well. Just stress all around.
My wife controls who we are friends with so it's sticky in who I can even talk to about this. Any of my close friends are in some other state.
I can relate to that extreme loneliness. It's crushing some times. I've only been to a couple AA meetings, I don't object going but the place near me has like 3-5 people at the meetings and I get really uncomfortable. I do share but at the end I just head out the door. I'm introverted and feel safest at home.
My wife controls who we are friends with so it's sticky in who I can even talk to about this. Any of my close friends are in some other state.
I can relate to that extreme loneliness. It's crushing some times. I've only been to a couple AA meetings, I don't object going but the place near me has like 3-5 people at the meetings and I get really uncomfortable. I do share but at the end I just head out the door. I'm introverted and feel safest at home.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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I’m so sorry, and deeply understand. I wasn’t married but somehow survived 6 years of abuse and rage. I went through hell and back with my alcoholic ex GF. I was alone, no family. I received a lot of life saving advice on this forum. I couldn’t have pulled through, and left her without the help I received here. I don’t want to assume... but are you a man? If so, your struggles are a bit more complex in terms of resources. They exist but it takes more digging. Men are 100% abused — folks just don’t talk about it. Listen you should feel very proud of your sobriety. Know that abuse and alcoholism are separate issues, but when laced together... HELL. I truly understand the depths of all this. Try not to analyze why she’s so angry... that obsession only creates more “eggshells” for you. These situations are fairly black or white, in my opinion... is she seeking help or not. Regardless, it’s a very unhealthy environment for you. I could write a million pages on this. The fact that she stalks your account on here too... honestly that’s unacceptable...
she’s (in my opinion) a miserable and extremely controlling person obviously in addition to her addiction. That’s an endless time bomb.
she’s (in my opinion) a miserable and extremely controlling person obviously in addition to her addiction. That’s an endless time bomb.
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Yes, I'm a man.
edit: I do see I'm in a cycle of abuse and I'm always trying to downplay what she does to me or feel like it really is my fault and the things she's saying about me are true. I make excuses for her all the time and just continue doing everything I can to try to please her. I think a lot of it is scare tactics to make me more submissive and easier to control/manipulate.
edit: I do see I'm in a cycle of abuse and I'm always trying to downplay what she does to me or feel like it really is my fault and the things she's saying about me are true. I make excuses for her all the time and just continue doing everything I can to try to please her. I think a lot of it is scare tactics to make me more submissive and easier to control/manipulate.
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I understand that. I’m a man... I was in a very similar toxic dance. A lot of folks don’t understand but it’s really so brave of you (on many deep levels) to post here about the abuse. Men just don’t talk about it. So I’m extremely proud of you, my friend... and if you battled hard for sobriety — you can get through this!
Sometimes it just takes pro-active brainstorming... wow... ok, you do have a few solid options! I just perked up. Hey, I don’t have a supportive family but if I did... damn I’d run right to them. It may not be your dream job but a new opportunity often stimulates so many other dreams for yourself. Just think, you’ll be in a new environment, with new friends, a supportive family, etc.
Abuse rarely gets better. And it’s sure as hell not your responsibility to wait around for that change, like both a doormat and her punching bag!
Sorry but this crap makes me so angry!
Sometimes it just takes pro-active brainstorming... wow... ok, you do have a few solid options! I just perked up. Hey, I don’t have a supportive family but if I did... damn I’d run right to them. It may not be your dream job but a new opportunity often stimulates so many other dreams for yourself. Just think, you’ll be in a new environment, with new friends, a supportive family, etc.
Abuse rarely gets better. And it’s sure as hell not your responsibility to wait around for that change, like both a doormat and her punching bag!
Sorry but this crap makes me so angry!
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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Tekink- just a thought as you’re trying to sort things out... perhaps change passwords, start pullIng together some key docs, hide some cash. Think of somewhere you could hide these documents? There’s a lot of people on here, including myself that had to do a similar safety step. Looking back, I’m thankful I did!
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Sounds like your buisness will never turn around as she is drinking any profit instead of re-investing in upkeep.
Alcoholism is progressing as well. I got meaner and meaner to my spouse the longer I drank, but not physical. That’s a dangerous line that should never be crossed.
I would contact DV center and a lawyer and file for separation, move back with your sister and get some space away from the toxic situation.
You deserve respect and kindness. Great job staying sober despite all of this negative energy tekink.
Alcoholism is progressing as well. I got meaner and meaner to my spouse the longer I drank, but not physical. That’s a dangerous line that should never be crossed.
I would contact DV center and a lawyer and file for separation, move back with your sister and get some space away from the toxic situation.
You deserve respect and kindness. Great job staying sober despite all of this negative energy tekink.
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here ya go...
https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy
Mine w drinks. She gets quite abusive. I put a stop to it after years of abuse. How? I call her out on her **** every single time she says ANYTHING I feel is abusive.
I dont let her get away with it anymore. She behaves much better now.
It's your life. Dont put up with her crap. SHE has the problem, not you.
There is life after abuse. Live it!
https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy
Mine w drinks. She gets quite abusive. I put a stop to it after years of abuse. How? I call her out on her **** every single time she says ANYTHING I feel is abusive.
I dont let her get away with it anymore. She behaves much better now.
It's your life. Dont put up with her crap. SHE has the problem, not you.
There is life after abuse. Live it!
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Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Is it possible to contact a lawyer if you have no money?
These fights are the biggest test on my sobriety, it's already hard enough going to a bar everyday and then living with someone whos personality is constantly changing due to the degree of buzz. I can tell a difference after one drink.
These fights are the biggest test on my sobriety, it's already hard enough going to a bar everyday and then living with someone whos personality is constantly changing due to the degree of buzz. I can tell a difference after one drink.
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Oh I know it'll get worse, it's worse than I realized really. She tries to downplay it but we were drinking buddies for 20 years. She quit vodka because it always lead to fights. She hasn't yet acknowledged wine does the exact same thing (we all know it's really just the alcohol). If it's the weekend she's pouring before noon. If it's a work she can wait until 4.
Alcoholism in others is something you see very differently after sobering up, the longer I go sober the more I see it. When I was in active alcoholism I didn't even notice when people were drunk.
Alcoholism in others is something you see very differently after sobering up, the longer I go sober the more I see it. When I was in active alcoholism I didn't even notice when people were drunk.
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