tekink

If I call my wife out on her abuse, she flips that around where me calling it out is the abuse and she goes off on me. I cannot stop her, she attempts to goad me into violence. She's pushed me then straight up accused me of being the one who did the pushing.

It's gaslighting

Hawkeye13

I didn’t notice either. Truth is now I can’t stand being around drinking.

The irony. . .

You realize this goading is very dangerous and that you might end up in jail if things get out of hand?

TropicalWinter

It's gaslighting, but it's also a very dangerous situation for you. Once it's to the point of her pushing you then accusing you of pushing, it's just a small step before law enforcement could believe HER and YOU end up going to jail on assault charges. I feel like you need to be making an exit plan and getting out of there ASAP before something like that happens.

Hawkeye13

It is beyond gaslighting.

tekink

I didn't actually realize the repercussions, I have confided in a close friend about this in the past. I'm going to start looking at my options to do what I can asap.

This house is our only asset, my dad has offered to help me fix it and flip it, he has a ticket here the 22nd of next month. I'm going to talk to her family today and some friends and see what I can do to get her out ideally I don't have to go get a RA but I'm looking the the resources provided here. She's about out of bed so i'm logging off for a bit. Telling her I'm not going with her to work today, all I need to do is make promotional material which I can do better from home anyway. Ideally she doesn't try to flip it and stay home sending me to work thus limiting what i can do.

tekink

Welp, I'm at work. Talking with her sister a bit and she definitely has a place to stay that wouldn't put anyone at inconvenience. I'm going to work on getting her family to talk her into leaving the house at least until after my dad comes to visit.

tekink

In comes the first "I love you text".

I truly love this woman with all of my heart but I can feel my mental health in shambles from enduring all of the abuse. I've got to hold tight and tell her I still think we need time apart to re-assess what is going on and if things can change.

I'm so tired from trying my hardest to please her and it never being enough.

LifeChangeNYC

Ariesagain

I know it’s a hard thing to contemplate, let alone do, but contacting a Domestic Violence hotline and getting your concerns on record might help protect you against accusations in the future. You can find out from them the best way to do that in your jurisdiction.

I am so sorry that you’re having to go through this...

Bethany57

Please take your sister up on her offer to stay with her. You need a big change. Start a new job and get out of your current situation. You deserve better. You can do this. I think this is what is best for your wife too. You teach people how ot treat you. You deserve better. My heart breaks for you. You have a lot of life left and you deserve to be happy.

FallenAngelina

Every single person here loves their alcoholic with all their heart and found his/her mental health in shambles because of active alcoholism. It can be really helpful to know that you are not so isolated and unique, that what you're experiencing is participation in the cycle of addiction. Waiting for "things" to get better never works. Someone(s) has to opt for big time recovery in order for "things" to get better. It can be her or it can be you, but nothing is getting better if there is no full-on recovery program happening. The cycle will just continue and both of your mental states will continue to deteriorate.

We all love our alcoholic(s.) Love is never in question. Nobody would be here or in all of the meetings and counseling offices if they felt mediocre about the alcoholic in their lives. These places are packed because we all love our person. Love is a given. Choosing to make huge changes in thinking happens because we choose to make huge changes in thinking and therefor eventually stop the cycle of addiction. That is what is helpful to focus upon.

tekink

I'm still very much wanting to take my sister up on her offer and trying to figure out what to do. If she wasn't 2,000 miles away it would be a lot easier. She's still locked away in the spare room and we haven't talked. All of our money comes from one source and is immediately spent there's no way for me to try to put money aside. My dad is coming to visit soon, I just wish I could get her out of the house so I can think with a clear head. It wouldn't be the first time she locked herself in the spare room for a week. Eventually she'll come out of this and act like we never fought and we will never discuss it. Her mom has a great big house that four kids grew up in, she's there with her son living in a travel trailer. My wife has someplace to go but refuses because at the end of the day this is really just to punish me. It's always about making me feel some kind of punishment.

trailmix

That punishment is part of the control. YOU aren't acting "correctly" (ie: accepting the abuse and drinking with good grace) so YOU are in the wrong and should know that/feel that!

That's no way to live.

If it wasn't the control via punishment and guilt, it would be with tears and sadness, or the silent treatment or some other thing.

Some people are wired, at least temporarily, to auto-go to defense mode.

It's a drinker's calling card. Which ends up with you walking on eggshells because you just know stepping out of line will cause hell for you.

Again, is that any way to live? Aside from being miserable, it's really bad for you. Mentally and physically.

Your wife won't budge, so you have to look at your own options. Yes you get to be a bit selfish (this is not in a bad way thought) and actually look out for yourself!

As for the money to get to your Sister, perhaps you and your Dad can work something out when he visits.

tekink

It is not way to live. The silent treatment is a big one I get also. Her sister has a house nearby, Her sister owns a second house that her brother lives in, I could go there but the brother is an alcoholic and I fear I would relapse. Her mother lives nearby and could even use some help as her father is in a group home near her mother with dementia.

I think trying to work something out with my dad when he visits will be the easiest solution but that's a little over a month out. She hasn't attempted to speak to me outside of the text she sent me yesterday when I was at work which I ignored. I probably upset her as that's her trying to ease her way in. She never apologise for treating me poorly, she starts to act loving and I typically let her. I'm alone for the first time since this started now and it feels pretty good to finally be able to cry

Ariesagain

It might get weird but if there really aren’t any other options right now, maybe you go live with her mom temporarily?

She needs help and you need space. Besides, you would be actual help, which your wife would not be.

dandylion

tekink…..here in the States, there is a County government for every location.
You can look up your county government on your computer...…
Every county has several social service programs both for individuals and families.....
Look over the list of YOUR county services and see which ones you might fall into...…(you sound very educated and intelligent...so, I am sure that you can figure this out...lol_.....
THEN....contact a county social worker....there will be names and numbers on the website. Make an appointment with the social worker...…
There are probably several services that will be available to you...without cost...that you are not aware of....
Do it...you have nothing to lose and a lot to gain.....
You can get counseling and legal assistance, etc.....

Hawkeye13

I agree this may be the best short term solution, and it also involves letting the family “in” on the denial at least a little.

tekink

Her mom loves me and doesn't understand how I can put up with her daughter. She'll give her daughter a hard time about how she treats me in front of us. That said her mom treated her dad the exact same way my wife treats me, her dad was also alcoholic. There is a lot of alcoholism in both our families. So much that hearing of people hiding alcoholism from others is hard to get my head around. I come from a place where it's all just known and accepted. My wife doesn't want me going to the bar to work anymore, this probably won't last because I do a heck of a lot more than she tells me I do.

When I'm getting job interviews she starts freaking out about what she's going to do when I'm gone and when I'm there she's constantly telling me I'm useless. Can't ever win.

So do I offer her a choice saying one of us is going to have to go stay with your mom or do I try to get a friend to help me locate overthere while she's at work? While I have my own transportation it's of the two wheeled variety and I wouldn't have a means to bring any things at all with me.

I had a good talk with my dad today. He thinks I should tell her I want to divorce, put the house on the market as-is and move in with him to get my feet on the ground after the house sells. He thinks it's mostly menopause but he also is sure the behavior will not change. The fights have been bad our entire relationship, but it is worse now so I think it's deeper than that but probably aspirated along with the other factors of a struggling business and the stress of a father with alzheimer's for nearly 10 years now.

Ariesagain

Menopause isn’t helping, for sure...but alcoholism is progressive. I wouldn’t bet the farm that once through menopause she’ll magically change, especially as this has been a problem throughout your relationship..

A domestic violence counselor or social worker may be able to help you find some free legal help to figure out the ramifications of a divorce in your state, yes?

They can also help evaluate your exit strategy. My instinct is that you don’t confront your wife, just start spending your free time at your MIL’s place and have helping her be your cover story until your dad arrives, but I’m not an expert at all.

Once violence is involved, it’s a different scenario than only alcoholism. That’s where the DV people are invaluable.

Hang in there...

tekink

My dad emphasized that he didn't think she'd change after she was through it. Simply that it can cause things to finally hit that tipping point if it's headed that direction already.