FallenAngelina

Women don't magically turn into hormonal b***ches at menopause. Usually, the emotional change is because with many years of experience and more confidence, women become better at standing up for ourselves and are less willing to put up with things that clash with our values, things we used to go along with. "Hormones" don't cause angry feelings out of nowhere. They can make a woman more sensitive to what she is feeling, but those feelings come from somewhere and for good reason. Hormones don't create upset out of nothing.

Your dad's take sounds healthy and helpful, but the bit about menopause is an outdated myth, one of many about how "crazy" women can get for mysterious biological reasons. Menopause has nothing to do with the cycle of addiction that you are in with your wife. Keep the responsibility where it truly is - on the addiction cycle.

dandylion

Yes^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!

trailmix

Agreed.

Your Dad's plan sounds good, but ultimately, of course, this is your decision.

You have the Sister and the potential job, you have staying with your Dad, you have the social services that dandlylion mentioned and you have DV.

You are certainly not helpless in this situation.

I like your idea of suggesting that one of you needs to go live with her Mother, if you truly don't want to leave the area right now. Then follow through, whatever you decide to pursue, following through with it is key.

Do what is best for you and your sobriety. None of this is written in stone anyway. You can go stay with her Mom (or she can) and you can work on the house and possibly sell it if you decide to.

The option of then going to where your Sister is or your Dad is , is still there.

tekink

She came home from work today and asked if we were done arguing and I said "yes". She asked if I had anything else to say and I said very calmly "i don't want to fight ever again and I need you to stop abusing me". She started getting upset and told me I said I wasn't going to argue any more. I said I'm not arguing I telling you what I need. Her tongue got sharp and she accused me of being abusive also. I asked how? She said I'm abusive because our BBQ has been broken for over a year and I haven't fixed it because I'm lazy". I didn't say anything. The BBQ hasn't been repaired because it's low priority and I'm trying to figure out how to get an oil change for the car right now. There is no money for simple things that are not necessity at this time. Of course she'll never give up smoking luxury brand cigarettes but I will not bring up addictions in arguments.

She asked if we were still going to the family cabin next weekend and I told her I'm not ready to go. She became upset again mention our friends would be canceling plans. I let her know that the weekend is not the weekend she lead me to believe she told me only her one friend and her 16 year old daughter were coming but now you've invited two other couples and it's going to be booze filled. She tells me that's ridiculous and I shouldn't care because one person who has never been an alcoholic hardly drinks. I think she's locked in her room again.

tekink

Ugg this is so hard and has me feeling so confused. I should have added when she initiated making up yesterday that I said I felt we shouldn't sleep together yet.

We had a weekend get-away planned next weekend. She says she's still going to go but she'll be leaving early and isn't sure when she'll come back. Her sister has a cabin about three hours from home, she will be there.

I just want her to stop being abusive to me, I don't know if such a thing is possible. I do start to feel like I'm causing this now.

honeypig

Pardon my bluntness, tekink, but the best (and really the only) way you can get her to stop abusing you is to remove yourself from the line of fire. There is simply no way to make her do what you want. This has been going on for a long time and nothing will change unless you change it. Telling her you need her to stop abusing you is not going to do a damn thing. You need to take action, not wait on her to make things right.

If you've read around the board, you've seen that your situation is not unique. Others have been down the same road and found a way to end the cycle of abuse and craziness, but it took them making changes, not waiting and hoping and asking for changes from their A's. If you're able to live w/someone who locks herself into a spare room for a week at a time, I think you have it in your power to do just about anything you set your mind to.

And that menopause thing is, as others have said, a huge load of crap.

dandylion

tek…….honeypig is right....you can't look to the one who is abusing you to be the one to heal you.....
You will have to be the o ne to set the boundaries....

It looks like you are, absolutely, caught in the cycle of abuse.....
I suggest that your first steps will be to reach out for help from those who are
understanding and capable of helping you.....
I am giving you the following website, to get you started....it can lead you to solid help and support....

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-l...n/art-20045149

As many others have suggested....the National Domestic Violence Hotline is listed wthin the website that I just gave to you....
You have nothing to lose by calling them and asking for their help. They exist just to help those who are in your situation.
There is more than just alcoholism involved in your situation....

None of this is your fault...and, what is happening to you is wrong!

Have you called your county government social worker to ask for assistant...as I suggested in my other post? There is a lot of practical help, available to you, there.....

You can, also, google "websites for men who are being abused"....and begin to read the various websites.....
It is estimated that one in three abuse victims are men....
Men are, often, reluctant to talk about it...but,it is a REAL thing, and there is help available if you will reach out your hand to those who are dedicated to helping you....

Keep posting , here, because we understand how hard and confusing it can be....
And, we, also, know how vital it is for you to get help for yourself....

tekink

I've been looking at the various websites but haven't made any calls yet. I've only been talking to my family. And of course she has said she'll try to change in the past and things do get better for some time but as you already know there's still a ticking time-bomb in the corner. It sounds like she'll be out of the house for at least a week here coming up and it should give me some time to try and get some clarity. I have a friend out of state in a sort of similar situation but his wife left him and is now trying to get back. He's telling me it's hard but he's feeling really good about himself and healthier than he has in years.

I do believe space apart, not in the same house is best for us at this time and it looks like that is going to happen. August 2018 I told her I wanted to divorce because of all this, it was the first time I ever took such a stance but that was a long time coming. Since then there's been a few times where I could tell she was stewing but she worked herself through it and there's been a few times like this, one of the times was far far worse. The feelings of unease that I have inside I've had nearly the entire relationship. I was bullied a lot when I was young so I don't really know what it's like to be treated right, I'm sure that plays a role in this as well as it's caused lasting trauma for me.

Also I don't think she can heal me, nor do I expect her to. But I wonder if she could be inspired to try and heal herself? Or is it all just hopeless...

SparkleKitty

It's not hopeless, no. Of course not. There is hope for everyone.

But focusing on trying to inspire her to heal herself is not the best place for your energy or time. Take care of yourself. The rest will fall out however it will.

tekink

I see what you are saying, it's something she needs to figure out on her own, it's really the only way for her to figure it out I will imagine. Much like addiction itself.

honeypig

Many of us here have something in our backgrounds that has caused us to tolerate, for years if not decades, things that would have sent any healthy person running for the hills in no time. I grew up in a dysfunctional family w/an abusive stepfather and a mother who is an ACOA who never sought help. I'd never seen a healthy relationship modeled, had no idea how "regular" people did conflict resolution, had no idea about "normal" personal boundaries, and on and on. Did that influence my choices for partners over the years, and did it play a large part in my staying w/my AH for 20 years, give or take? Of course it did.

I certainly didn't have to resolve all my issues before I could move on--good lord, if that was the situation, I'd be trapped forever!--but once I realized that a different and better way did in fact exist, AND that I wanted it enough to work for it, things started to change. I dallied around plenty, "nibbling around the edges" before finally committing to doing what looked difficult, painful and frightening. My own recovery has been all of that, but it has also been joyful, freeing and empowering (and unending, might I add...).

dandylion

tek…...since this has gone on for so many years...and, only gotten worse.....even with you bending yourself into a pretzel to try to "help" her.....and, denying your own needs in favor of hers.....
Doesn't it make sense, to you, that your presence doesn't make any difference in her disease and her emotional/mental makeup......at least, not in a POSITIVE direction?
If you made such a difference, wouldn't it show by now?

The only thing that you can do to facilitate her sobriety and to prevent her from abusing her is to GET OUT OF HER WAY.

As for the empty nest, coming up.....since alcoholism is progressive , and, abusers tend to abuse more, as time goes on....I think the empty nest forecast looks pretty bleak.....
Plus, she needs you to continue to enable her....so, your continued presence, I predict, will just "feed" the situation.....

Since you are young enough to still travel....why would you want an empty marriage.....what do you feel that you would gain from such a marriage.....what would be in it for you....?