Ending it may be the only way to end my alcoholism
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: east coast
Posts: 451
Ending it may be the only way to end my alcoholism
Yesterday the thought of committing suicide is the only way out to escape this pain that my inability to stop drinking is causing me and my son. I'm really thinking I will never stop. He snapped and strangled me to the point where I thought I was going to die. He came home and caught me sitting on couch with a bottle and rushed me and strangled me. I felt my life slipping away. Maybe it would of been a good thing if he should of killed me, but I wouldn't want to see him go to jail for murder. He won't go to counseling and he won't do alonteen or alothon. He just wants me to stop drinking and I m starting to realize I can't...so what's left?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Committing suicide is a permanent means to
a temporary addiction problem. There is a solution.
This solution can help you get pass these dark
thoughts and moments and help you achieve
what many of us have always wanted in life.
To be happy and healthy In all areas of our life.
Healthy in heart, mind and soul.
This help is always available to all those sick
in their addiction. This help would be by placing
ourselves into the hands of those capable of
helping us. Teaching us. These folks are knowledgeable
about addiction and have a healthier solution
to help you achieve better health and happiness.
It may take a good month for starters, like it
did for me and others. I was placed into the hands
of those capable of teaching me about my alcohol
addiction thru a court ordered rehab facility some
29 yrs ago.
For me, I too had reached a bottom to where
I was sick and tired of failing so many times to
get off that merry go round of insanity that goes
along with addiction.
I did try to stop the pain by taking a hand full
of pills. Thank God the attempt wasn't successful.
My loving, caring concerned family stepped in
and made calls to find out what to do.
Thru a few helpful steps, I was placed in a rehab
which was suppose to be for 2 weeks. When 2 weeks
came, folks there could see that I was not ready
to return to my everyday life at home and wanted
to send me to a halfway house for 6 weeks.
I begged and pleaded to stay where I was and
complete a 28 day program with a 6 week out
patient aftercare program in which I did.
Once I was released and the seed of recovery
was planted, I began to incorporate this program
of recovery, a gift taught to me, to help me build
a strong, solid recovery foundation to live upon
for yrs to come.
With willingness, openmindedness and honesty,
I took each day as it came and applied what was
taught to me to get me where I am today.
Never did I think thru out the yrs. that drinking
alcohol would improve or make my life any better.
To make any struggle or any situation that seemed
unbearable, better with alcohol or drug.
Over the yrs and being here in SR, an awesome
recovery lifeline for a few yrs now, I have come
to learn that there are many other ways to achieve
success in sobriety.
Folks who have the willingness to do whatever it takes
to remain sober have a number of days, weeks, yrs,
by incorporating helpful effective tools and knowledge
of recovery to their everyday life, have achieved happiness,
contentment, freedom from addiction, honesty and
an over all better life for themselves, inside and out.
Ask for suggestion, guidance from others here in
SR for whatever you need and you will recieve it.
There are lots of caring, experienced folks here
that while share with you what has worked for
them. If you like what these folks have, grab a
hold of them and follow them or use their suggestions
as a guideline to help you achieve success in your
own life and sobriety.
You never have to pick up a drink of alcohol or
drug again in your life moving forward. Put your
addiction to rest once and for all and find the joy
that comes with living sober like so many of us
are living today.
a temporary addiction problem. There is a solution.
This solution can help you get pass these dark
thoughts and moments and help you achieve
what many of us have always wanted in life.
To be happy and healthy In all areas of our life.
Healthy in heart, mind and soul.
This help is always available to all those sick
in their addiction. This help would be by placing
ourselves into the hands of those capable of
helping us. Teaching us. These folks are knowledgeable
about addiction and have a healthier solution
to help you achieve better health and happiness.
It may take a good month for starters, like it
did for me and others. I was placed into the hands
of those capable of teaching me about my alcohol
addiction thru a court ordered rehab facility some
29 yrs ago.
For me, I too had reached a bottom to where
I was sick and tired of failing so many times to
get off that merry go round of insanity that goes
along with addiction.
I did try to stop the pain by taking a hand full
of pills. Thank God the attempt wasn't successful.
My loving, caring concerned family stepped in
and made calls to find out what to do.
Thru a few helpful steps, I was placed in a rehab
which was suppose to be for 2 weeks. When 2 weeks
came, folks there could see that I was not ready
to return to my everyday life at home and wanted
to send me to a halfway house for 6 weeks.
I begged and pleaded to stay where I was and
complete a 28 day program with a 6 week out
patient aftercare program in which I did.
Once I was released and the seed of recovery
was planted, I began to incorporate this program
of recovery, a gift taught to me, to help me build
a strong, solid recovery foundation to live upon
for yrs to come.
With willingness, openmindedness and honesty,
I took each day as it came and applied what was
taught to me to get me where I am today.
Never did I think thru out the yrs. that drinking
alcohol would improve or make my life any better.
To make any struggle or any situation that seemed
unbearable, better with alcohol or drug.
Over the yrs and being here in SR, an awesome
recovery lifeline for a few yrs now, I have come
to learn that there are many other ways to achieve
success in sobriety.
Folks who have the willingness to do whatever it takes
to remain sober have a number of days, weeks, yrs,
by incorporating helpful effective tools and knowledge
of recovery to their everyday life, have achieved happiness,
contentment, freedom from addiction, honesty and
an over all better life for themselves, inside and out.
Ask for suggestion, guidance from others here in
SR for whatever you need and you will recieve it.
There are lots of caring, experienced folks here
that while share with you what has worked for
them. If you like what these folks have, grab a
hold of them and follow them or use their suggestions
as a guideline to help you achieve success in your
own life and sobriety.
You never have to pick up a drink of alcohol or
drug again in your life moving forward. Put your
addiction to rest once and for all and find the joy
that comes with living sober like so many of us
are living today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Originally Posted by mistory5 
I've been relapsing every 10 to 14 days.... I go to AA but I'm afraid to tell my circle that I'm struggling. I started going to AA meetings and became close to a few members back in may. I told on myself 2x in meetings. They were very supportive and I got right back to working the program. I just can't get the courage up to tell them I'm constantly relapsing.... I feel like I'm going insane.... Quite honestly if I didn't have negative consequences from drinking i would not be trying to stop..... But I feel like such a heel not sharing the truth about my relapsing every couple of weeks... I was always sharing that I relapsed. I know they are sick of hearing it... I find myself actually starting to feel jealous of people in the rooms that say they are Sober and are always sharing how glorious AA has been for them. Mostly everyone I associate has long , long term sobriety. It boggles my mind.
Hi Mistory
I am very sorry for your situation. You posted a few weeks ago that you are a chronic relapser and you are not inclined to share about your relapses with your AA friends. That's pretty normal behavior in any social situation. Who wants to announce failure when seeming success is all around you? The reality is that there are more folks like you in AA meetings than you might imagine. But like you they are hardly inclined to announce their failures. Regarding the concept of getting sick of hearing about chronic relapsing I can only say that for me I do not get sick of hearing from folks who have fallen off the wagon. If you are in a meeting at least you are trying. I know the statistics for recovery in AA or in any other addiction treatment program are not very good. So why would I not expect many failures? But I think perhaps your comment about only wanting to quit drinking only because of the consequences is part of the reason you keep falling off the wagon. It's an inside job. Regarding the jealousy issue. Not sure what to think here. You bring up a good point. I do not have an answer here but I will certainly think about it.
I hope you decide to reach out to some of your AA friends.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Originally Posted by mistory5
Yesterday the thought of committing suicide is the only way out to escape this pain that my inability to stop drinking is causing me and my son. I'm really thinking I will never stop. He snapped and strangled me to the point where I thought I was going to die. He came home and caught me sitting on couch with a bottle and rushed me and strangled me. I felt my life slipping away. Maybe it would of been a good thing if he should of killed me, but I wouldn't want to see him go to jail for murder. He won't go to counseling and he won't do alonteen or alothon. He just wants me to stop drinking and I m starting to realize I can't...so what's left?
I thought I could not stop I had to die to stop.
Not true . Go to a meeting. Look at people who were just addicted and fearful as you. Listen to them, really listen to how their lives, thoughts and situations changed when they put down the drink.
Do whatever it takes to not drink. It really is possible to not pick up that first drink. Posting here is a great first step. You can do this. It is possible and I see people being doing it one day at a time every day.
Why not you? Why not me? I am capable of making a decision not to drink. I can do this for me. It may seem foreign at first but it becomes easier a day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Hey there,
I can feel your pain. My daughter witnessed my drinking getting way out of control, she started acting out (hitting me, calling me names etc...). She finally went to live with her dad, and my drinking spiraled way out of control. Your son is crying out for help, he feels that his world is out of control too. Can he stay with a family member while you get yourself together? In hindsight, my daughter leaving me was the best thing for her health and wellbeing.
Of course as addicts, we are only thinking of ourselves.
I would make a decision to get your son in a safe place, and then get yourself into treatment. I wish I would have done that, instead of wasting 10 more years going down deeper and loosing my daughter completely. We are still not in a good place, she may never forgive me for the past. One day at a time I work on mending the broken fences.
I can feel your pain. My daughter witnessed my drinking getting way out of control, she started acting out (hitting me, calling me names etc...). She finally went to live with her dad, and my drinking spiraled way out of control. Your son is crying out for help, he feels that his world is out of control too. Can he stay with a family member while you get yourself together? In hindsight, my daughter leaving me was the best thing for her health and wellbeing.
Of course as addicts, we are only thinking of ourselves.
I would make a decision to get your son in a safe place, and then get yourself into treatment. I wish I would have done that, instead of wasting 10 more years going down deeper and loosing my daughter completely. We are still not in a good place, she may never forgive me for the past. One day at a time I work on mending the broken fences.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Originally Posted by wildflower70
Hey there,
I can feel your pain. My daughter witnessed my drinking getting way out of control, she started acting out (hitting me, calling me names etc...). She finally went to live with her dad, and my drinking spiraled way out of control. Your son is crying out for help, he feels that his world is out of control too. Can he stay with a family member while you get yourself together? In hindsight, my daughter leaving me was the best thing for her health and wellbeing.
Of course as addicts, we are only thinking of ourselves.
I would make a decision to get your son in a safe place, and then get yourself into treatment. I wish I would have done that, instead of wasting 10 more years going down deeper and loosing my daughter completely. We are still not in a good place, she may never forgive me for the past. One day at a time I work on mending the broken fences.
I can feel your pain. My daughter witnessed my drinking getting way out of control, she started acting out (hitting me, calling me names etc...). She finally went to live with her dad, and my drinking spiraled way out of control. Your son is crying out for help, he feels that his world is out of control too. Can he stay with a family member while you get yourself together? In hindsight, my daughter leaving me was the best thing for her health and wellbeing.
Of course as addicts, we are only thinking of ourselves.
I would make a decision to get your son in a safe place, and then get yourself into treatment. I wish I would have done that, instead of wasting 10 more years going down deeper and loosing my daughter completely. We are still not in a good place, she may never forgive me for the past. One day at a time I work on mending the broken fences.
oh my gosh, mystory
I can literally feel your pain.
I've felt that way too. Hoped that I wouldn't wake up in the morning, researched suicide methods, been ashamed to talk about drinking in AA meetings so kept my mouth shut because everyone else was talking about it in past tense. Had a teenage daughter who was furious with me, hated me with a passion, and was impossible to live with whether I was drinking or not. It was an unbelievably indescribable living nightmare.
Not sure about you, but with me there were many things going on all at once. I think this is the case with the majority of alcoholics. It's not simply a problem with alcohol, right? It's a problem with ourselves, our pasts, our current situations, something other than just the booze.
But the first thing is to get sober and find a way to make it stick long enough to unearth the other stuff so it can be addressed. I think going to a meeting or a dozen and sharing is a great first step. Remember how they tell us their "primary purpose is to help the alcoholic who still suffers?" They mean it. We mean it. When it comes time to share, disregard whatever rules or conventions there are and speak up! Say simply, "I'd like to share, please." I guarantee the floor will be yours. Spill your guts - tell them everything, including the relapses and the secrets and the homicidal kid and the suicide planning. I guarantee you will be surrounded with love and support.
I also 100% agree with wildflower that it might be a very good move to have your son relocate for a time while you get some inpatient treatment. It would provide some good cooling off time if nothing else. Whether he acknowledges it externally or not, it would also show him that you are doing something to address the problem. And that means a lot.
He probably won't go to those programs because it's your problem, not his. He's too young to understand that you understand it's his problem too. Not his fault, but his problem. I'm sorry for that, but give it time. He'll be ok.
You need to focus on getting yourself better right now. And you can, I swear. To do so requires that you put yourself out there, be vulnerable, ask for help, keep talking. And please consider inpatient and/or therapy if you're not already going? AA is a wonderful organization but they are lay people. Mental health issues should be handled by professionals.
Wish I were there to give you a hug.
O
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Metro Atlanta, GA
Posts: 36
Wow Hon! This is a lot, but you have the power to turn everything around. Your son is crying out for help, and it is your duty to protect him. Remember that our children are still developing. They depend on us to learn to regulate emotions and learn to handle the situations life throws our way. This is not to make you feel bad or guilty, but it is just reality.
My son has never been violent toward me, but he has done things like shatter wine bottles in the backyard. Here I am, like a good alcoholic, waking up at 2 because I cannot sleep. Head to the kitchen for another drink and the bottle is gone. Not remembering if I drank it all, only to find out that my angry son was smashing my bottles after I passed out drunk. The mom in me wanted to get him to pick them up, but I cleaned them up due to shame and humiliation. Not wanting to draw anymore attention to what was done. This was a huge wake up call for me. It was a physical representation of how my addiction hurt him.
Your son is hurt. He needs a mom to show him that no matter how tough, we can overcome obstacles. If something happened to you, would he have the coping skills to heal, or would he fall into the same trap of addiction?
Please do yourself and your son a huge favor. Get yourself well at all costs. Sadness is typical of alcohol abuse, but it doesn't need to stop you from getting well. Go to the hospital! Explain your drinking and suicidal thoughts. Beg for help if you need to! There are programs that are in place to help you detox if needed. There are medications that will help. Stick with it! Find support (SR is great, but you may need to explore more support options- AA may have not been the right time before, maybe it is now). Prove to your son that you can handle and cope with these life obstacles in a healthy way. Hopefully once he sees you giving your all to getting better, he will be less resistant to therapy or Al Anon. Right now he sees no point in trying. It's not going to change the situation he's dealing with right now.
I don't know your son's age, but my oldest is 13. He's very resistant to therapy even though he needs it desperately. We are working on it, but he doesn't want to do it either. I understand the struggle of both trying to protect our children's well-being and fighting alcoholism.
Please reach out at any time. Keep posting! I am here for you. SR is here for you. Get some help because you are loved! Your son loves you so much. If he didn't, he wouldn't have acted the way he did!
Hugs. You can do this!
My son has never been violent toward me, but he has done things like shatter wine bottles in the backyard. Here I am, like a good alcoholic, waking up at 2 because I cannot sleep. Head to the kitchen for another drink and the bottle is gone. Not remembering if I drank it all, only to find out that my angry son was smashing my bottles after I passed out drunk. The mom in me wanted to get him to pick them up, but I cleaned them up due to shame and humiliation. Not wanting to draw anymore attention to what was done. This was a huge wake up call for me. It was a physical representation of how my addiction hurt him.
Your son is hurt. He needs a mom to show him that no matter how tough, we can overcome obstacles. If something happened to you, would he have the coping skills to heal, or would he fall into the same trap of addiction?
Please do yourself and your son a huge favor. Get yourself well at all costs. Sadness is typical of alcohol abuse, but it doesn't need to stop you from getting well. Go to the hospital! Explain your drinking and suicidal thoughts. Beg for help if you need to! There are programs that are in place to help you detox if needed. There are medications that will help. Stick with it! Find support (SR is great, but you may need to explore more support options- AA may have not been the right time before, maybe it is now). Prove to your son that you can handle and cope with these life obstacles in a healthy way. Hopefully once he sees you giving your all to getting better, he will be less resistant to therapy or Al Anon. Right now he sees no point in trying. It's not going to change the situation he's dealing with right now.
I don't know your son's age, but my oldest is 13. He's very resistant to therapy even though he needs it desperately. We are working on it, but he doesn't want to do it either. I understand the struggle of both trying to protect our children's well-being and fighting alcoholism.
Please reach out at any time. Keep posting! I am here for you. SR is here for you. Get some help because you are loved! Your son loves you so much. If he didn't, he wouldn't have acted the way he did!
Hugs. You can do this!
Last edited by Formy2boys2; 12-29-2019 at 06:34 AM. Reason: spacing
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
mistory5, I'm so sorry you are hurting this bad. I think you have reached the point that you need some extra help. Please explore with your son having yourself voluntarily committed to a treatment facility for a specified period of time. You simply need more stringent and inflexible assistance in a secure setting to help you get things sorted out. They can help you turn it all around, but they need to be able to keep you there for a few weeks without you being permitted to leave. Such lockdowns are different in every state and country so you would need to explore how it works where you live. Please try everything you can to stay with us. Peace to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
As others have said, the best thing you can do is to stop drinking. And, you can do that, just as many of us here have done it. It won't be easy but it will be worth the hard work involved.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
(((Mistory))) We can relate here. I also thought my only way out was to kill myself. Honestly, fighting alcohol addiction has been more difficult than fighting cancer. I can’t tell you how often I thought of ending my life this year. It hurts to be an addict.
Almost a month ago I made the decision to quit and I realize now it was the alcohol that was making me miserable. You are worthy of love, life and sobriety.
Almost a month ago I made the decision to quit and I realize now it was the alcohol that was making me miserable. You are worthy of love, life and sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 54
Is this the 19 year old son? I took a look at a few of your past posts because
I couldn't understand what was "understand-able" about his behavior.
It doesn't even matter I suppose whether he's a man or a boy. No one should be strangling (a special kind of abuse that carries a stiffer penalty in the states) another.
I was about to write "I can't even imagine the kind of damage that could come out of this with a problem you have said over and over you need more help with", yet you wrote about suicide. There's at least one answer. A very horrible one.
He needs to leave. Jail, a relative, anywhere. I don't care if you were sitting on the couch or dancing a jig or yelling at him. Where on earth does strangling even come into this as ..... ok? As expected? As somehow you asked for it cause you're still drinking?
Am really at a loss over most of the replies. Seems so weird and backwards.
My best suggestion would be to sober up, call someone in your AA group that you can trust or a relative or clergy or ANYONE. This has gone to a level of strangulation and talks of suicide. Outside the scope of a average person, let alone a mom struggling with addiction.
I couldn't understand what was "understand-able" about his behavior.
It doesn't even matter I suppose whether he's a man or a boy. No one should be strangling (a special kind of abuse that carries a stiffer penalty in the states) another.
I was about to write "I can't even imagine the kind of damage that could come out of this with a problem you have said over and over you need more help with", yet you wrote about suicide. There's at least one answer. A very horrible one.
He needs to leave. Jail, a relative, anywhere. I don't care if you were sitting on the couch or dancing a jig or yelling at him. Where on earth does strangling even come into this as ..... ok? As expected? As somehow you asked for it cause you're still drinking?
Am really at a loss over most of the replies. Seems so weird and backwards.
My best suggestion would be to sober up, call someone in your AA group that you can trust or a relative or clergy or ANYONE. This has gone to a level of strangulation and talks of suicide. Outside the scope of a average person, let alone a mom struggling with addiction.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
You make a great point, Sam. No one "deserves" to be attacked in this manner. I looked back and don't see any insinuation of this aside from mistory's implied contention that it's understandable. Maybe I missed something. But you are so right, and every one of us should have said that. I think it was one of those "goes without saying" things... Let me say it now. Mistory, you do not deserve to be mistreated or abused by anyone for your drinking (or any other reason). We all know that once the drinking starts, it's beyond your control.
Sam, I had no idea how old this person was when I replied, but assumed teen-aged based on the behavior. And it seems that was a correct guess.
In any event, from a mother's point of view, there are two salient points in regard to the welfare of the son, who mistory is concerned about. (1) the kid - 19 is legally an adult but still a kid nowadays - is hurting for sure, but he likely doesn't understand/accept that support could help with that (2) it is absolutely vital that mom get herself well in order to be able to do anything to help with (1).
Sam, I had no idea how old this person was when I replied, but assumed teen-aged based on the behavior. And it seems that was a correct guess.
In any event, from a mother's point of view, there are two salient points in regard to the welfare of the son, who mistory is concerned about. (1) the kid - 19 is legally an adult but still a kid nowadays - is hurting for sure, but he likely doesn't understand/accept that support could help with that (2) it is absolutely vital that mom get herself well in order to be able to do anything to help with (1).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
I should have said it in my post too. Was focused on getting mistory away from her suicidal situation and feelings. Mistory - your son commits a serious crime every time he assaults you. Domestic abuse with strangulation is a really specific and serious crime. Call the police and get assistance with getting away from your son and getting yourself into a secure medical facility.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by mistory5
He won't go to counseling and he won't do alonteen or alothon. He just wants me to stop drinking and I m starting to realize I can't...so what's left?
Regarding your comment above, you can stop drinking - you just haven't yet. There are many ways you could go about it, maybe even consider an inpatient rehab or outpatient program.
But the bottom line right now inow that you were physically assaulted by another adult. That is a felony and he needs to be removed from your home. Whether that's via jail or a restraining order can be a decision left to the police. Call them now please.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Please read and make use of the following information:
Domestic Abuse Defined
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US):
http://www.thehotline.org/
Canada:
https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/...help-aide.html
UK:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk
Europe:
http://www.cosc.ie
Australia:
https://au.reachout.com/articles/dom...olence-support
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Domestic Abuse Defined
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US):
http://www.thehotline.org/
Canada:
https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/...help-aide.html
UK:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk
Europe:
http://www.cosc.ie
Australia:
https://au.reachout.com/articles/dom...olence-support
call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
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