My alcoholic fiancé broke up with me
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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My alcoholic fiancé broke up with me
My fiancé and I were together for 3 years. It never crossed my mind that he would be an alcoholic. Until his mother and I started getting closer as we were getting to know each other. She would call me often and asking about how much he was drinking. One day I got annoyed and asked what is the deal? He is 30 he knows what he is doing. Besides I saw him 2-3 times a week since we both travel for work, so I couldn’t really know how much he drank. (Although I was annoyed I was polite to her). His mother even suggested that he needed professional help. Of course I declined because I didn’t think he used to drink as much as she was concerned. After that I started watching his drinking behavior very close and I realized the first year we were together he was drinking a lot, he would get out of bed in the middle of the night because he was “hungry” and stay almost an hour in the kitchen before returning to bed. Next day I would find drops of wine all over the floor, or empty glasses. I brought up to his attention that I noticed he was drinking a lot. He said he likes drinking, but would cut off a little, maybe drinking only on weekends. He then would drink in front of me only on weekends. Bottles and cans of wine and beer started to show up behind my clothes, inside my shoes or his shoes. I research to see why people would hide things like that in the closet.... for my surprise the word alcoholic popped everywhere on my screen. I could understand his mother now. I told him that his mother used to ask me about his drinking and what I’ve found in our closet. He tried to say it was just a little problem and eventually he said he was an alcoholic. We were engaged already and I was determined I was going to save him. That’s was the beginning of the end.
he asked me to not tell anybody, so I didn’t.
He is the most sweet person I’ve ever been with in a relationship. He took care of me in every single way. And yet never felt he was truly present in the moment, he was constantly find ways to get out of the house to drink. When I look back into our fights I feel like I caused everything, why I had to care about things that was so meaningless. He would never raise his voice, he was always calm, and I would be the crazy person screaming and breaking things. Next day he would apologize and tell me he was drinking. Later on we had some ugly fights and he acted and said things I thought he was unable to. I never seen him showing emotions, I have never seen a tear in his eyes. Two weeks before he ended things, he sent me to my hometown to get my wedding dress, he took me to the airport hugged me many time and said multiple times how much he loved me. Asked me to trust him because he now had an appointment to get treatment and things would get better. The argument we had before the breakup was silly, and he said he didn’t wanna do any of the things we planned during this past 3 years. He said things about me that I never thought it once crossed his mind. A few days later I came back to our apartment and tried to talk to him. He said he was getting out to save himself because I was the reason he was drinking so much. He said he always hated our relationship, and everything he did was to stay with me but he never wanted to.
I called his mother and told her what happened. She told me I better get out of his life since I was causing him to drink, she also said she wasn’t sure that he was an alcoholic since he is very successful in his job.
This crushed my heart, specially since she was the one who suggested professional help at first. I’m so confused, I’m doubting the things I’ve seen before. I am blaming myself. And still I’m not sure the real reason why he broke up with me?
I didn’t move out yet and he was already going out on dates. I feel like I wasted 3 years of my life, and my world felt apart.
I am in therapy and attending the al-anon meetings, I never felt this kind of emotional pain. I feel like I won’t ever be able to get out of this mess.
Meanwhile he is out there having fun, he looks good, he is very professional, never miss a day at work and he is good at what he does. Nobody suspects he is an alcoholic.
I would appreciate any opinions and advice
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
“He said he was getting out to save himself because I was the reason he was drinking so much. He said he always hated our relationship, and everything he did was to stay with me but he never wanted to.
I called his mother and told her what happened. She told me I better get out of his life since I was causing him to drink, she also said she wasn’t sure that he was an alcoholic since he is very successful in his job.”
I’m in blunt mode today...this is all complete and utter crap. And his Mom knows that because she’s been hovering over his drinking problem since before you met him.
Sure, you would take some of your own actions and words back if you could, but insanity creates insanity.
They have a very unhealthy relationship and I hope you can start to believe that you’re far better off away from both of them.
Block them both and keep focusing on you and your emotional recovery from this mess. Nothings good will come from staying enmeshed with him.
I called his mother and told her what happened. She told me I better get out of his life since I was causing him to drink, she also said she wasn’t sure that he was an alcoholic since he is very successful in his job.”
I’m in blunt mode today...this is all complete and utter crap. And his Mom knows that because she’s been hovering over his drinking problem since before you met him.
Sure, you would take some of your own actions and words back if you could, but insanity creates insanity.
They have a very unhealthy relationship and I hope you can start to believe that you’re far better off away from both of them.
Block them both and keep focusing on you and your emotional recovery from this mess. Nothings good will come from staying enmeshed with him.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi Nara and welcome.
I completely agree with what Aries posted above. You mentioned:
But you also say:
- And yet never felt he was truly present in the moment
- he was constantly find ways to get out of the house to drink. When I - Later on we had some ugly fights and he acted and said things I thought he was unable to.
- I never seen him showing emotions
- Asked me to trust him because he now had an appointment to get treatment and things would get better.
- he said he didn’t wanna do any of the things we planned during this past 3 years
- He said things about me that I never thought it once crossed his mind.
- He said he was getting out to save himself because I was the reason he was drinking so much. He said he always hated our relationship, and everything he did was to stay with me but he never wanted to.
So I see a bit of a conflict there. If this is a guy who has "taken care of you in every single way" - well I'm not seeing that.
What he is, is an active addict and there are two things you can do right now to help yourself.
First and absolutely the most important is to take your focus off him and put it on yourself. Be kind to yourself, eat well, sleep when you can, feel your feelings but don't hesitate to take a break from them when they are too overwhelming. It's great you are attending Al-Anon and have a therapist. I hope your therapist has some experience with addiction (for your benefit, not the addict's benefit).
Secondly, learn all you can about alcoholism, knowledge is power.
To me this sounds like an alcoholic who really wanted to have a "normal" life and a nice relationship, however (and this is really important) he is incapable of being in a relationship. He wants to drink, drinking is his true love, everything else (and yes that includes you) is secondary to that.
So he tried and failed miserably.
I'm sorry you got hurt in all of this. I hope you will stick around and post as often as you like. Lots of support here.
You might find some of the reading in our stickies section helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I completely agree with what Aries posted above. You mentioned:
He is the most sweet person I’ve ever been with in a relationship. He took care of me in every single way.
- And yet never felt he was truly present in the moment
- he was constantly find ways to get out of the house to drink. When I - Later on we had some ugly fights and he acted and said things I thought he was unable to.
- I never seen him showing emotions
- Asked me to trust him because he now had an appointment to get treatment and things would get better.
- he said he didn’t wanna do any of the things we planned during this past 3 years
- He said things about me that I never thought it once crossed his mind.
- He said he was getting out to save himself because I was the reason he was drinking so much. He said he always hated our relationship, and everything he did was to stay with me but he never wanted to.
So I see a bit of a conflict there. If this is a guy who has "taken care of you in every single way" - well I'm not seeing that.
What he is, is an active addict and there are two things you can do right now to help yourself.
First and absolutely the most important is to take your focus off him and put it on yourself. Be kind to yourself, eat well, sleep when you can, feel your feelings but don't hesitate to take a break from them when they are too overwhelming. It's great you are attending Al-Anon and have a therapist. I hope your therapist has some experience with addiction (for your benefit, not the addict's benefit).
Secondly, learn all you can about alcoholism, knowledge is power.
To me this sounds like an alcoholic who really wanted to have a "normal" life and a nice relationship, however (and this is really important) he is incapable of being in a relationship. He wants to drink, drinking is his true love, everything else (and yes that includes you) is secondary to that.
So he tried and failed miserably.
I'm sorry you got hurt in all of this. I hope you will stick around and post as often as you like. Lots of support here.
You might find some of the reading in our stickies section helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
Nara, I'm so sorry you are hurting. Your dreams have been crushed and it's normal to grieve over that loss.
SOMEDAY....you will be able to look back and see how fortunate you were to get off of this CRAZY-TRAIN before it de-railed. And it WILL de-rail.
His Mom sounds like a classic manipulator (or maybe she's just a freaky, hateful person, not your problem now) and he's very obviously an Alcoholic with some weird Mom issues.
Run away FAST from these unhealthy people and don't look back.
Praying for you to have the strength to get out of this nightmare.
SOMEDAY....you will be able to look back and see how fortunate you were to get off of this CRAZY-TRAIN before it de-railed. And it WILL de-rail.
His Mom sounds like a classic manipulator (or maybe she's just a freaky, hateful person, not your problem now) and he's very obviously an Alcoholic with some weird Mom issues.
Run away FAST from these unhealthy people and don't look back.
Praying for you to have the strength to get out of this nightmare.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
Similar thing happened with me too- he broke off engagement also saying how i made him choose and he didnt like that. So he chose to drink instead! And i was left to pick up the pieces of a broken heart. We did stay in contact tho, but now i wish we didnt, as it keeps on getting worse and worse by the minute, as if before I had ANY illusion on how it was true love, now I keep being reminded how it was actually ****** up from the very start and destined to fail.
I am truly sorry you are going through this! It makes the two of us, if its any consolation! 😕
I am truly sorry you are going through this! It makes the two of us, if its any consolation! 😕
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I didn’t move out yet and he was already going out on dates. I feel like I wasted 3 years of my life, and my world felt apart.
i'd suggest making getting out of a cohabitation situation with your former fiance a priority.
you didn't waste three years of your life. you lived each and every moment. it's just that this part didn't quite go the way you thought it would. that's ok. that's life. that's how we learn resiliency and strength - life, lemons, lemonade.
i know that sounds trite. or insensitive. but now is when you need to move your focus to the middle distance, not in the swamp, but how to get OUT of the swamp.
i'd suggest making getting out of a cohabitation situation with your former fiance a priority.
you didn't waste three years of your life. you lived each and every moment. it's just that this part didn't quite go the way you thought it would. that's ok. that's life. that's how we learn resiliency and strength - life, lemons, lemonade.
i know that sounds trite. or insensitive. but now is when you need to move your focus to the middle distance, not in the swamp, but how to get OUT of the swamp.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
Please go read my posts. You did not cause him to drink he was already drinking. I’m sorry because I know you are sad but you dodged a bullet. He spared you the craziness I’ve endured for the past 2-3 years. Get yourself help. Get Yourself healthy mentally and find someone who isn’t going to blame you for their illness.
I feel for you and I don’t mean to come off as cold - but This is a blessing. Stay strong.
I feel for you and I don’t mean to come off as cold - but This is a blessing. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Oh honey. You did not cause his drinking!!!!!
My AH mother turned on me too. We were very close and she was horrible to me. After 10 years of me doing and doing for her family. They are desperate too the mothers. So they blame it on you because they don’t want to blame their baby boy. You didn’t do anything to deserve it and it is not your fault. Believe me.
My AH mother turned on me too. We were very close and she was horrible to me. After 10 years of me doing and doing for her family. They are desperate too the mothers. So they blame it on you because they don’t want to blame their baby boy. You didn’t do anything to deserve it and it is not your fault. Believe me.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,010
"“He said he was getting out to save himself because I was the reason he was drinking so much. He said he always hated our relationship, and everything he did was to stay with me but he never wanted to.
I called his mother and told her what happened. She told me I better get out of his life since I was causing him to drink, she also said she wasn’t sure that he was an alcoholic since he is very successful in his job.”
I'm yet another weighing in on this being complete utter crap. It is also a very very typical reaction from an alcoholic and related codependents.
As you have noticed Nara. This hurts beyond hurts. There should be some kind of ICU for people going through this as it is excruciating. Please take care of yourself. Get all the support you can. Alanon works for some but not for everyone. You might give it a try.
I called his mother and told her what happened. She told me I better get out of his life since I was causing him to drink, she also said she wasn’t sure that he was an alcoholic since he is very successful in his job.”
I'm yet another weighing in on this being complete utter crap. It is also a very very typical reaction from an alcoholic and related codependents.
As you have noticed Nara. This hurts beyond hurts. There should be some kind of ICU for people going through this as it is excruciating. Please take care of yourself. Get all the support you can. Alanon works for some but not for everyone. You might give it a try.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 24
I am sorry your hurting I could have written this post as my story is so the same except the mother part..
they fill you will love dreams hopes and then they just up and leave and we are you heartbroken
you go over on your head thinking could I have done something different was it me ..
we are hurting there out there repeating, that’s what my ex is doing drinking going out etc it’s not us it’s them we are just victims of there illness.
i did the same as you tried to save, I screamed shouted he was always calm. I actually think if I had said nothing and allowed the drinking we could still be together because that’s when the problems started when I knew this wasn’t how I wanted to live, with a man that drank and stunk and blacked out and his love for the wine was more intense that his love for me .
i feel your pain it’s a rollercoaster ride I’m glad I got off he won’t change they don’t change
when there being pulled up about there drinking there off and yep mine drank a lot aswell because of me and like you I just tried to show him happiness isn’t just at the bottom of a bottle.
stay on here 3 years I have been on here and it truly helps
they fill you will love dreams hopes and then they just up and leave and we are you heartbroken
you go over on your head thinking could I have done something different was it me ..
we are hurting there out there repeating, that’s what my ex is doing drinking going out etc it’s not us it’s them we are just victims of there illness.
i did the same as you tried to save, I screamed shouted he was always calm. I actually think if I had said nothing and allowed the drinking we could still be together because that’s when the problems started when I knew this wasn’t how I wanted to live, with a man that drank and stunk and blacked out and his love for the wine was more intense that his love for me .
i feel your pain it’s a rollercoaster ride I’m glad I got off he won’t change they don’t change
when there being pulled up about there drinking there off and yep mine drank a lot aswell because of me and like you I just tried to show him happiness isn’t just at the bottom of a bottle.
stay on here 3 years I have been on here and it truly helps
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 91
Nara,
Our lives could be twins, except I was with my AF for two years. He just broke up with me a week ago, after what he says was a month of sobriety. He has taken zero accountability and blames me for the 35 years of drinking he had. He's been cold and cruel, and my heart is shattered. I'm moving out tomorrow, and just can't believe how my life turned upside down so quickly.
Hugs.
Our lives could be twins, except I was with my AF for two years. He just broke up with me a week ago, after what he says was a month of sobriety. He has taken zero accountability and blames me for the 35 years of drinking he had. He's been cold and cruel, and my heart is shattered. I'm moving out tomorrow, and just can't believe how my life turned upside down so quickly.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
I am sorry that this happened to you but as a wife of 23 years to an active AH, I can only think it saved you from what I have been through.
In truth, my AH's mother has been the hugest nightmare in our relationship. She knows he is an alcoholic and that his dad, grandpas and uncles are all alcoholics. She knows he was a drunk before I was even old enough to drink. Yet, his alcoholism is all my fault. (I do not believe this NOW...but for a LONG time, I really thought she had reason to hate me for being a bad wife)
Be kind to yourself. You do not waste your time, there are lessons to be learned in everything that happens to us.
In truth, my AH's mother has been the hugest nightmare in our relationship. She knows he is an alcoholic and that his dad, grandpas and uncles are all alcoholics. She knows he was a drunk before I was even old enough to drink. Yet, his alcoholism is all my fault. (I do not believe this NOW...but for a LONG time, I really thought she had reason to hate me for being a bad wife)
Be kind to yourself. You do not waste your time, there are lessons to be learned in everything that happens to us.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It's easy for the A to blame anyone in their vicinity for their drinking, and in truth he probably felt under pressure from you to stop. Even moral pressure you didn't exert. Truth is that he will go on drinking because he is an A.
He's mixing up the cause (alcoholism) with the effect (difficulty in his relationships). I'll guarantee that this will happen to him again and again unless he becomes sober.
He's mixing up the cause (alcoholism) with the effect (difficulty in his relationships). I'll guarantee that this will happen to him again and again unless he becomes sober.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Nara, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I am glad you are here, and that you are attending al-anon. Knowledge is power, and as you learn more about this terrible disease, you will come to know with absolute certainty as we do, that you did absolutely nothing to cause him to drink.
You simply realized that there was a problem, you mentioned it, you questioned his behavior, and therefore, you had to be removed. Alcoholics who are still fairly high-functioning have a vested interested in having everyone around them believe that they are perfectly normal. Anyone who strays from that belief is summarily discarded. The alcoholic wants to drink, and will not allow anything or anyone to stand in the way of that.
The only important thing for you to do now is whatever you have to to step away from him, and get yourself healthy. Keep reading and posting and going to meetings. The more you understand, the stronger you will feel, and ultimately you will feel gratitude that you are out of the insane drama of this awful disease.
You simply realized that there was a problem, you mentioned it, you questioned his behavior, and therefore, you had to be removed. Alcoholics who are still fairly high-functioning have a vested interested in having everyone around them believe that they are perfectly normal. Anyone who strays from that belief is summarily discarded. The alcoholic wants to drink, and will not allow anything or anyone to stand in the way of that.
The only important thing for you to do now is whatever you have to to step away from him, and get yourself healthy. Keep reading and posting and going to meetings. The more you understand, the stronger you will feel, and ultimately you will feel gratitude that you are out of the insane drama of this awful disease.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
They tell us who they are .....
Over and over and over again. They do what alcoholics do.... they drink! They say they will cut down and sneak drink. We become the crazy sober police checking drawers and closets. I even would go into the men’s room at a store to see if he was slamming cold ones (he was).
once we catch them they cry, beg, manipulate or accuse of acting crazy (we do) and make them drink.
The alcoholic relationship crazy train... I got off 10 years ago and my fabulous fiancé?
living on skid row in LA. Used to be a college athlete and highly successful businessman. Handsome and charming and was the love of my life.
chronic relapser who has almost died a dozen times.
i couldn’t save him. No one can save them except themselves with Gods help.
and you didn’t waste 3 years! You were on your journey and are gaining wisdom. Love is never a waste....but find someone who can love you back!
once we catch them they cry, beg, manipulate or accuse of acting crazy (we do) and make them drink.
The alcoholic relationship crazy train... I got off 10 years ago and my fabulous fiancé?
living on skid row in LA. Used to be a college athlete and highly successful businessman. Handsome and charming and was the love of my life.
chronic relapser who has almost died a dozen times.
i couldn’t save him. No one can save them except themselves with Gods help.
and you didn’t waste 3 years! You were on your journey and are gaining wisdom. Love is never a waste....but find someone who can love you back!
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