chmalcolm1

Hi first time posting

Will try to keep this short as possible.

My soon to be ex wife of 10 years is an alcoholic, we have 3 daughters, ages 6, 4, 2.
I was arrested in February for shaking my wife when she was abusive to me/or drunk around the children in the last few months of our marriage. In the 4 weeks before that, I had thrown my wife out, she'd been detoxed, and later arrested for breaking into my mother's, and assaulting my sister and 2 of our children. We didn't press charges and she came home a week later. When she had me arrested she pressed charges, I pled guilty and she was granted a restraining order until December. The girls briefly lived with her, until social services placed them in my care. I live with the girls in the home we own together, she lives God knows where with her new boyfriend, who she moved in with in June (don't know how they met/when they started up).
Social services placed a supervision order on her, but closed the case when the girls came into my care, satisfied that they were safe.
I have repeatedly explained to my in laws (and my wife through 3rd parties) that Laura's time with the girls is at my discretion as their primary caregiver, and I won't leave her alone with them as she's still drinking (my family constantly get aggressive/nonsensical messages and calls) and possibly using drugs (the boyfriend uses cannabis, we've accused her 3 times and she refuses to deny it).
I'm so drained from dealing with her family, who constantly try to get out of supervising, and have always been in denial about the depth of her addiction. This weekend got ugly as I refused to release the girls for the in laws' bbq, unless the new BF wasn't there (police are currently doing a Sarah's law check I requested, numerous alarm bells around him). Nasty messages from my brother in law to my mother about what a wonderful guy the BF is, even though they've known him 5 minutes, me 13 years.

Anyone had any experience with in laws being in denial, belligerent when you challenge their alcoholic relative. Feel so drained from fighting with them...

Bekindalways

Hi Chmalcolm and welcome to Soberrecovery. Also so absolutely sorry for what brings you here. It sounds like you have been through the wringer and then some. It is indeed hell.

I never married my qualifier (Qualifier = the addict/drunk with whom you have a relationship) so I never had to deal with the complex situation of sharing kids with him. We have many here in this position and they will probably chime in here sooner or later. In laws of the addict spouse can so so make it harder.

I hope you have a good support system. Raising kids of that age is intense even with a good coparent.

May every angel in the Universe dive bomb you and your family. It sounds like you need it.

chmalcolm1

Yeah excellent support system. Still work nights full time so my sister sleeps at my house 4 nights a week so I can work. Had to change one of my daughters' rooms to a spare room and buy bunk beds so she can share with my eldest. The girls spend a few hours at my parents while I grab some sleep. My mums a paraplegic and my dads nearly 70, but they still do this every week.
Her parents complain that they have to come and supervise my wife once a week. She comes in Saturday morning, goes home Sunday afternoon and they're complaining.
but yeah I'm so lucky. So many friends have come out of the woodwork now we've split up to support me. It could be a lot worse

tomsteve

glad your here malcolm but definately not for what brings you here. its a blessing to read of a father that cares about his children this much. and youre family helping where they can- how awesome!
i havent been in your situation but suggest a few things:
have your mom black ALL of their phone numbers.
do the same for yourself.
on these:
I'm so drained from dealing with her family, who constantly try to get out of supervising,
Her parents complain that they have to come and supervise my wife once a week. She comes in Saturday morning, goes home Sunday afternoon and they're complaining.
if the parents/family are trying to get out of supervision, then can ya help them with that? help them make it so they dont have to supervise? ive read here where some parents have to be supervised by some state appointed official. maybe thats a possibility?

you found a great forum of support and wisdom here. its a blessing to see so many people here that offer their advise and how many people have been helped by them.

Laur12

Milano58

Similar issues but thankfully not even close to your level. Ex MIL never told me EXAH was drinking again. She knew for a couple months before I found out. Obviously I needed to know as his access to kids was conditional on him not drinking... I thought he was in recovery.... Liars.. Liars. Will never trust her again.

chmalcolm1

Tomsteve I can't help with supervision due to restraining order. I did used to trust others to supervise (neighbours, friends, her sister etc.). The sister helped AW introduce my girls to the BF behind my back, and friends can only supervise a few hours, and my eldest doesn't want mum to be unsupervised at all. Neither do I as I don't trust her to keep BF away. On the weekends she does see them, 1st thing she does is phone him so the girls can talk to him.
If she wants to move on that quickly, heartbreaking but that's her choice (and on another forum I was told alcoholics move on quickly, is this true? If so, why) but I find this desperation to involve the children with him straight away disgusting.
she's even gone without seeing them to spend more time with him. We were together 12 years, she's been with this creep 2 months. Typical of in laws to welcome him in. They've always wanted her off their backs

Bekindalways

Yeah, alcoholics do tend to find other partners/hostages quickly. The saying is we grieve while the addicts replace . . . .something like that.

Alcoholics medicate even minor feelings with drinking so they aren't in a position to grieve a major loss like a marriage. Also spouses/significant-others are less partners than hostages/enablers. You bowed out (good for you!) as the enabler so she has to find someone else.

LovePeaceSushi

This is my experience as well. The inlaws are of no help and have actually blamed me. I have been no contact with them for over a year now.

chmalcolm1

Thanks bekindalways and lovepeacesushi very comforting. Nice to know being replaced it's common. Her jumping in bed with someone else (I still consider it 'jumping in bed' after 4 months) left me feeling worthless to the point of suicide. Now I can give it some context it's not so painful. Just a question of learning to be on my own again.

Regarding the in laws that's reassuring too. They're incredible. MIL told me that she'd "moved to accommodation suitable for all 3 girls, and has a friend willing to supervise". This was the new boyfriend who they barely knew, and they'd never been to his house! Anything so they don't have to bother.
The cowardice of my brother and father in law is shocking. They I'm immature because I won't even meet with the BF (what man would so early on) but in the next sentence say they won't deal with me (who they've known nearly 13 years) because of my attitude. Unbelievable.
The girls were excluded from the annual family bbq as the family wouldn't exclude the BF. Heartbreaking. Even if they do think I'm being unreasonable they'd ask him to stay away for 1 day so they could see their granddaughters/nieces. Or if he was any man he wouldn't hesitate to stay away.
scum. Absolute scum

TropicalWinter

The lengths to which family will go to enable their alcoholic blow me away at times. My STBXAH has been fully brought back into the family fold, with narratives seemingly completely re-written to where I am now the villain, even though he continues to drink. They've bought a house for him and his affair girlfriend, he has a fancy, shiny truck, and a cushy high-paying job in the family business after cheating on me and abandoning me and our children. Now they're trying their best to screw me over in the divorce. It's unbelievable, except that they're so dysfunctional, enmeshed, and enabling that nothing really surprises me anymore.

Welcome to SR. This is an amazing place for support.

chmalcolm1

Oh history re-writing is definitely a family trait.
AW became very indignant that I have a friend who comes to clean the house (referred to by AW as home/his house/our house depending on her mood) saying she managed on her own!
apart from the fact she "managed" by being plastered on vodka every day, she also had me sharing the chores, or taking the girls off her hands!

Her family are just as bad. FIL and BIL (who fancy themselves as big manly men) won't deal with me because of my violence towards AW (also led to the classic "no wonder she drank"). That argument doesn't wash at all.
The night I threw my wife out (called me a c*nt in front of our then 5 year old daughter) her sister asked me if I had shaken or grabbed her previously and I admitted I had on 2 occasions. This was a month before I was arrested, and we were still seeing her family before then and they were well aware of these incidents. I wasn't proud of myself but at least admitted what I'd done. When she was arrested and stayed at her parents for the week, she told FIL that I didn't want her home. His reply? "I don't f***ing blame him, the way you behave". This is her own father, who again, was aware of my violence at this point
As for blaming the drinking on me, their line of logic is literally "he shook her 5 times in the last 6 months of their marriage, that's why she's been an alcoholic for the last 12 years".
They also omit AW's violence. The night I threw her out her sister came to drag her out of the pub. She got 2 punches in the gut for her trouble.
Over the years I've had 1 night when I got punched in the back of the head 35 times( I counted). I took a full bottle of water to the face walking up the stairs.
Not to mention the amount of times she'd punch guys in clubs/pubs and since they wouldn't hit a woman, I'd get it instead.
best of all was the sleep deprivation, her speciality. Over the years I've been punched, had bags rustled next to my head, had my feet slapped, and on one memorable occasion, took a running kick to the stomach while I was asleep.
but yeah, in laws have welcomed this creepy lying BF and blamed all her problems on me

trailmix

hi ch and welcome.

I have read your posts and there is a lot going on.

First of all, the advice to block the other family members from contacting you should be paramount - your family should block them as well of course, why would you allow their negativity in to your life.

If there is a situation of some sort when visitation is not going to happen, perhaps you can appoint 1 person (perhaps one of the grandparents) to notify you by email (period). They don't need to call or text or send anything by carrier pigeon, just an email. That will make your life much less stressful.

Sounds like this has been a very volatile relationship for a long time, violence on both sides which of course is never right.

It's good you two have parted at least and the children have a stable home that you can provide, that's of utmost importance.

But with the main issue being the in-laws, just cut them out except as absolutely necessary and your life will improve immediately!

Laur12

Definitely take the advice to cut them out. My AH told me today that his family does not blame me. They just think Im the trigger. Yeah, ok. Very helpful in-laws!! I am so sad that my AH is blaming me (I am good and know it isn’t me thanks to al-anon), but having them work against me has been hurtful beyond words. And in the long run it is helping their son/brother/father keep up the ruse of being sober when he is not. They don’t even realize they are helping him kill himself. And also they have contributed greatly to my heartbreaking decision to leave him. They have helped to force me out of his life - and even though i am better off (and should maybe even thank them), he is going to lose the person who most loved him and wanted to support him in getting better. Very sad.

chmalcolm1

Laur12 I could've written almost that exact same post myself! Yeah it is heartbreaking, I know I made mistakes in the last few months of our marriage, but they are beyond delusional if they've convinced herself I didn't love her. I built my entire world around that woman.
I'm ok now but as I said before her moving on so quickly almost broke me. Thank god I've got the girls. Coming here and finding out that she's not actually evil, that her and her family's behaviour is actually typical of alcoholics and their enabling families really helped me see things differently. Looking back at our marriage she really couldn't have had it much better. I'm convinced that no-one can make her happy now until she can take responsibility for the damage she's done

chmalcolm1

Trailmix it was only the last few months of our marriage I'd say were volatile. Up until then the violence was 1 sided.
if a woman had been subjected to what I had described above, then shaken her husband after 12 years of it, most people would say it's good she's stood up for herself.
being a punch bag for years was bad enough, but then the stress of trying to protect 3 girls from their mother, who was destroying what otherwise was, no exaggeration, perfect. (We had fun, still attracted to each other, talked all the time, financially stable, great circle of friends and family, lots of time together) was too much to bear. I just could not understand why someone would destroy that. I was so frustrated and scared most of the time when I grabbed her, I could barely see her through the tears. I could see her falling apart and just did not know what to do

I'm not excusing my behaviour, my first therapist tried letting me off the hook, almost glossing over what I'd done. I had to point out I can't grab/shake someone because they're doing something I don't like/understand. I am starting CBT treatment soon and hopefully I'll learn to cope better. I can't help her anymore, but hopefully I can still help myself and our girls

trailmix

I've been the recipient of violence, so I know what you are talking about.

I also know there is a double standard, but that works both ways. If your wife had posted here that her Husband had shaken her on several occasions and she finally pressed charges, I'm guessing there would be support for that.

She did the right thing, I'm kind of taking from your post that maybe even you agree with that.

I don't ever want to be the person who holds men or women to two different standards, that's where my comment came from.

Generally, men are stronger and bigger than women, there is a reason why violence toward a woman is (generally) held as being "worse".

That is certainly aside from the main topic here of course and I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, just wanted to clarify where I'm coming from on that.

And so great that you are doing that. I know it really can't be easy, the whole thing is tough and messy. I'm glad your girls have you.

chmalcolm1

Oh I get where you're coming from 100%. I hope I didn't sound too defensive.

She did and didn't do the right thing. Or she did but not for the right reason (assuming we're talking about having me arrested/getting the restraining order). Sorry but there's a long story coming...

1st: the night I was arrested. Yes, I shook her for drinking again around the girls (mid-ugly argument, didn't just walk up and do it). I called my sister and asked her to come over as I was losing my temper again, with the intention that she would stay and watch my AW, and I'd leave. She arrived, I calmed down almost instantly, AW just went upstairs so I stayed. AW came down a couple of times tried starting some arguments, told my sister some things I'd said behind her back. She laughed and said "so what? He's my brother? We've been saying stuff like that to each other for years?" AW got angry and went upstairs again.
2 hours later me and my sister are watching a film, AW walks in smiling and says "I've just called the police and said I don't feel safe with you". I was sitting in shorts and a vest and said I'd better go change. When she asked why I said I was going to be arrested, and she started to panic, saying "they're just going to talk to you". Anyway, I was arrested and placed on bail, under the condition I don't step on the property or talk to her.
2. The restraining order. While on bail I took the girls out every day, several times when I dropped them back she was drunk. Once I called her mum from my mobile, outside the house, asking her to come and help with the girls. Got a call from the police the next day, AW had drunkenly called saying I'd shouted at her about her drinking. I told them that I'd been wearing a body cam and sent them the footage proving I'd only spoken to her mum. AW was warned by the police about false complaints. Anyway, when in court I plead guilty and was expecting a fine and anger management treatment. Found out in court she'd asked for a restraining order the night before.
she spoke to my mum that night, and my mum said "I've spoken to you every day and you've never mentioned a restraining order " AW's reply; "well you never mentioned the f***ring bodycam you 2 faced b***h".

So I wouldn't say she did the right thing as her actions were clearly motivated by spite.
however as I said it was right insomuch as my behaviour did need looking at, and our marriage did need to end, and the restraining order has given me the distance to see her for what she is, and begin detachment (just started al-anon).

Again I promise I'm not trying to be argumentative, I just know that my conviction paints me as a monster/abuser and I honestly don't believe that's fair or justified

Bekindalways

Hey Chmalcolm, the entire situation sure can be humbling after being with an addict, I realized that I understood why people drove bulldozers through their Ex's house. It isn't right but I get it.

I hit my best friend once. He laughed at me but it was so humbling. I'm a small woman. If I was a guy I could have hurt him. I was so so wrong. And there is indeed a double standard for men and women that is so not fair. I have never forgotten that moment of losing it with him.

Please please, keep putting one foot in front of the other to do the right thing for you and your girls.

Dealing with children and alcoholics is way beyond my experience, but could you get some kind of court ordered sober link for your ex-wife?

Onefortheditch

I am not a violent person but my ex has driven me to thoughts that were on the verge of madness and not befitting a mother with a good career or anyone else for that matter. His constant denials and projection and lies were enough to send the strongest of people mad.
i kicked him out a month ago and heard yesterday his relative is blaming my son for him not being allowed back... not the fact he’s p!ssed out his head 24 x 7.
i started to get mad but chose to ignore it instead. Much less stress that way.