Hope1989

Hi guys,

Well here I am again. Lying on my bed sweating, depressed, anxious, sad, tired, hopeless. I lost like my sixth phone in two years and my wallet with all my belongings.

I can't guys. Yesterday, I made a conscious decision to drink. There is obviously something wrong with the way I think and act. It's not just alcoholism, there is something wrong with me.

I really can not do it. I've gone to AA, I've tried it in here, I've done all I can try. Usually, when I'm like this, I see silver lightning with AA or something. Today I can't see anything.

I'm all alone, I just don't know what to say

Bonnefond87

I'm really sorry you are going through this. Early days for me but sending you support and sympathy. The very wise people here will follow shortly I'm sure.

aasharon90

Hello and welcome Hope. You are not alone
and you will never be alone as long as you do
not let go of your recovery lifelines like SR.

What do you mean when you say silver lightening
with AA?


Explain a little bit of what you meant by
this and your experience with AA.

There are many here in SR with many
different avenues taken to help achieve
sobriety and recovery. I along with many
do use the AA program of recovery as
a guideline on a continuous bases to achieve
many of lifes wonderful gift.

Stay connected with us and share your
experiences, strengths and hopes with us
and remain openminded, willing and most
of all honest as we share in return many
helpful suggestions to guide you in a positive
direction to achieve your own success in
recovery too.

We are here for you with every step you
take so you are not alone.

least

Have you considered inpatient treatment? Might be just what you need to start your sobriety.

sammymaguire

What set you off yesterday? Did somebody tempt you or was it your own AV?

Newbeginning421

Eventually alcohol beats your brain down so bad that death seems like a fairytale ending at least that is how I felt 36 days ago. Only been sober a short amount of time and feel the world is now my oyster. If i can do it anyone can and not just saying that I legit could not stay sober for a week before I became very active posting here. There is hope!

MyLittleHorsie

You can do it. Have a nap, let your mind and body recharge. Eat something healthy.

Dandelion12

We're allowed to be down. Life isnt perfect and neither are we.

Read the post from boreas bellow. It really lit a spark of hope in me because I am also not so great right now.

You may feel alone as I do at times but we are all here for you.

If there is a devil, I believe right now he'd be trying to stick it to you - youre human and almighty God is watching over you

MindfulMan

I'm sorry you're going through this. The throes of withdrawal feel endless and horrible.

I needed to attach the problem with multiple methods.

Cognitive therapy.
Inpatient rehab.
Outpatient rehab.
AVRT
SMART Recovery
Psychotherapy
Dual diagnosis/psychiatric treatment.
12 Step
Sober Recovery

There are many paths to sobriety. Look around this site. There are tons of people who I'm sure felt the same way that you do now that have a lot of sober time. It's doable.

BrianK

^^^
Seconded!

You might feel down, but you're not a lowlife. You might feel bad, but who you are is not bad. Something/Someone has better plans for you, or you wouldn't have posted here. But we get a choice, and Whoever is running the show wants it to be our choice. If we got "zapped" and fixed the first time we stumbled, we'd be nothing but robots, and a robot can't grow in a relationship and improve itself.

I hope you get some rest, go easy on yourself, start putting things back together as best you can and stick around. This is the first time I've used SR in my recovery program (12 years with repeated attempts to quit) and this is a new feeling. What shifted for me is someone helped me see that I have to be selfish about sobriety, and SR, AA, affirmations, knowledge, etc. are tools. But I have to choose to use the tools in whatever combination they work for me. Can this be one more step to finding your particular combination of tools?

WeThinkNot

Hope,

Is it possible that you also suffer from depression in addition to addiction?

The only advice I have is to ask yourself deep down what is the root of your drinking. During my drinking years I knew what the trauma was that was ultimately causing it. I tried not to think about it and tiptoed around it, making excuses like work was too stressful or I was having relationship problems. When I made the commitment to sobriety one of the first things I did was to meditate on my trauma, tackle it, and ultimately come to peace with it.

I don't know if there is anything from your past but I am of the opinion that most, if not all addicts have a demon or two that need slaying.

saoutchik

Hi Hope, i'm sorry you're feeling so rotten right now. I take it that losing your wallet and phone are not unconnected to your drinking. That is a real PITA and I am not trying to minimise it but it is not the end of the world - as you point out you have lost them before and survived it.

That is pretty much how I felt when I was still drinking but honestly, there is no difference between you and the rest of us when we were still in the grip of our addiction. Alcohol changes our brain chemistry in a way that makes us override logic and common sense.

When you feel up to it try and analyse what it was that caused you to pick up (both this time just gone and on any previous attempts to quit) If it was a straightforward case of craving alcohol then you just need to find away of avoiding the worst of the cravings for about three months. You can do this.

One last thing, save your post somewhere so that in future, when you have a bit of sober time but are tempted, you can remind yourself how bad you felt and why you stopped.

Good luck!

Dandelion12

Wethinknot you just hit the nail on the head for me.

Hope1989

Memories are coming back. Please do not laugh.

I think I pooped in the street or in a park. I can't really recollect that or be 100% sure this happened. But I'm sure it did. I'm not sure how much legal trouble I will get for this.

I am having a weird calm in the sense that this is it. I need to take a decision.

ReadyAtLast

Maybe try and make this a fresh start. Also take the positives, ok you lost your wallet but you didn't assault anyone, hurt anyone or get hurt or attacked yourself. I hope you can make this your last time. wishing you well and hope you stay around SR.

Anna

Hope, do not give up. If what you've tried didn't work, then try something else. Try counselling or a different program or inpatient treatment. Rest now as much as you can and try to eat something and hydrate yourself. Then re-group and join us again.

Delilah1

Hi Hope,

There are so many options for recovery, you just haven’t found the one that works for you yet.

Don’t give up, stay focused on the present, make the choice to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Stick close to SR and read and post.

You can do this.

ImNotThatGuy

Hi Hope. Just wanted to let you know that I'm rooting for you and that you're not alone.

Guener

Like MindfulMan, it has taken me a multi-faceted approach over time to get to a point of meaningful sobriety, LOTS of inputs. If it was out there to try, I was doing multiple things at once to afford me a couple things: 1) continuous inputs on NOT drinking and support to do just that; and 2) an occupation of my mind and body at all times to stave off the cravings, to keep me away from my misery while stopping. When I couldn't afford to go back to inpatient rehab and relapsed I went so far as to put myself in a men's shelter where I knew that I was going to be on the street if I drank. I had no where to go but to quit in the beginning. (My fiance also didn't want me in the house any more.)

I could cite a number of things that I did that are pretty bad while drinking, but you are already in that state. Just suffice to say that I have empathy for you. It's horrific, but you can pull away from it again.

What can you do or need to do to address your lost belongings? I would want to take care of that. Maybe you can recall if you left your things someplace for recovering those. In the end you may be faced with deactivating financial cards, for example.

The first steps are hard but essential to getting back on track, I understand.

I'm sure you will get some other good inputs here. Stay close and take care of yourself. How you are feeling will improve if you can do something about this, and you already have by coming here.

AnvilheadII

not trying to sound all Yoda...but when it comes to conquering addiction we have to do a lot more than TRY. we pick a method and we give it EVERYTHING we have, every day. it's like that be t in poker - when we shove all the chips to the center of the table and say ALL IN.

we throw ourselves into recovery with enthusiasm. we know that nothing can be WORSE than what we have experienced in our drinking career. we become willing to do whatever it takes. every day.

if we need more help, we seek help. for many that means a protected time in a residential treatment facility. we gather all the support we can.