Schne

AnvilheadII

well dang, right? as far as chances, he was just given the best chance possible to get sober and stay sober and had a good head start. that he then chose, with a SOBER mind, to pick up the drink again....well that's all on HIM.

props to you for following thru on your boundaries. you sound strong and sure. my best to you in the next few days - and of course all the days after!!!

dandylion

Schne…..how disappointing. I agree with you that you must live up to you part of the agreement. I am sure that he will try to push every button to get you to change your mind....
Evidently, he doesn't want sobriety enough, for himself, to grab hold....
You can lead the horse to water, and, even put salt in his oats, but that doesn't mean that he will drink it....

Hawkeye13

Good luck getting him actually out the door with his stuff.

Last Ex I kicked to the curb found his stuff bagged up in garbage bags on the porch.

Getting my space and life back from his chaotic addiction was bliss even though it hurt because I did love him.

So sorry your man didn't take this wonderful opportunity and run with it.

nez

That is not true, the place he has to to go to, is the one he chose.

That is not true. You are giving him the chance to accept responsibility for the consequences of his actions. He may take the chance. He may not.

In my case, to take the chance offered to me, I didn't need a soft place to fall. It needed to be a hard place to wake me up. Letting me land in a hard place was the greatest act of love that anyone around me could do.

Schne

dandylion

Oh, wow...Schne….I do think you are going to be tested about how solid your boundaries are.....
It might be helpful to not go down the rabbit hole, with him, by JADE....engaging in verbal gymnastics…..
J--justify A-argue D-defending E-explaining

Try to keep the boundaries simple and straight-forward and unbending.....
If you give an inch...he will reach for the whole mile...

Whether you "are mad" or not is beside the point.
He agreed to not drink at the home....he did....now, he cannot live at the home....so, he must go to another place--any other place.

No "second chance"....lol...this is where it gets hairy for most of us.
For one thing--2nd. chance was not a part of the contract. It was drinking equals "go".

I am thinking that he must think of you as an easy touch...if he pushes certain buttons....Maybe, he remembers you as this from your past behaviors...?
I'll bet he knows all of your weak points...

Remember that if, under p ressure, you make a poor decision....you are the one that will reap the consequences...not him! He will just reach for the bottle and numb himself....and, blame you for everything....
You will be the one left stewing in your own juices....

Put on your armor and be strong....

Schne

RollTide

I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds like my story. My ex did the same thing on multiple occasions. My mistake was letting him come home after the first one. We've now been divorced for years and he is still drinking...multiple hospital visits, etc.

It will be painful but you know what you have to do.

atalose

And that is not your problem, that is the consequence of his choices.

Now comes the debate and negotiation stage where he is going to SAY whatever he thinks you want to hear in order for you not to carry through with your boundary of kicking him out. Stand strong because once he can get you to cave it’s all over, he’s won and your prize is a repeat of the drunk boyfriend from 90 days ago.

Hawkeye13

Don't let him in the door--I suggest you even pay for a hotel for a few days and have him go directly there.

Can you lock him out?

Once he's in the pressure will be on.

Schne

hopeful4

Actions have consequences, time for him to feel his.

So sorry.

AnvilheadII

and fell for all the “I’m sorry, I thought I could get away with drinking since you weren’t here, and I wasn’t hurting anyone” bull crap line.

i'd like to make a distinct point here.....you didn't FALL for anything, you just willingly abdicated your own autonomy in favor of keeping the peace, not rocking the boat, and avoiding conflict at all costs. when you get to "damn the torpedoes and take no prisoners" stage, it will not matter WHAT he says or does (barring physical violence), you will be UNMOVED and resolute.

the problem with returning to status quo is that is sux. majorly. and can go on for a long, long time. years. DECADES.

the alternative is to do the seemingly hard thing, give him the boot, and get him out. might take two days, two weeks, but less than two months. short term "pain" for long term GAIN.

not keeping your own word does two things.....one, you are not honoring your SELF and two, you are demonstrating to him that those noises coming out of your mouth mean nothing.

remember, he's gonna do what he's gonna do whether he's sitting on your couch or out in a cornfield. your couch happens to be more convenient, and he is all about the easier, softer way. it's not 40 below outside and you aren't tossing him out penniless and barefoot. he finds ways to entertain himself just fine once he's out of your line of sight.

he is not helpless.
he is not without means.
he is not your responsibility.

Hawkeye13

It ain't over. Pack his stuff while he's sleeping it off, and tell him in the morning that you were clear about the consequences of his drinking, and he needs to leave now. Again, putting him in a hotel for a week seems expensive, but may be a way to get him out as painlessly as possible.

You might suck at confrontation, but I can tell you living with a relapsing alcoholic whose disease still has control after nearly ninety days in rehab sucks way more. Seriously.

Ariesagain

As gently as I can, “I drank because I didn’t think I’d get caught” isn’t even a decent bull crap line. It’s a policy statement.

It will happen again, so it’s really up to you to decide if this is what you want in a partner.

I’m sorry.

Schne

ChloeRose63

If you take him back be prepared for a life of hell. Once he knows he can get away with drinking with no consequences you are going to live on a rollercoaster of hell for the rest of your life with an alcoholic. And it will get worse for you and not him.
You must stick to what you said would happen if he drank.

trailmix

Well not too imaginative, straight out of the alcoholic excuses 101:

I'm not hurting anybody but myself!

Frequently phrased as "Leave me alone! I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" this defense invokes a legalistic right to self-harm at the same time as it denies the interpersonal and social realities of the addict's harmful behaviors. The addict, unable or unwilling to recognize how his behavior does in fact impact and thus harm other people

Excuses Alcoholics Make

dandylion

Schne….I think you will have to show some teeth.
It may come down to having to evict him...legally. That can be done within one month (if he doesn't know all of his tenant rights and use them to fight you in court)…..
That might sound cold and cruel to you....lol...don't think of it as "eviction"....think of it as an "expedited invitation to relocation"....

I realize that this feels very complicated, emotionally, to you...because you want to preserve the relationship....But, what kind of relationship is it, at this point...when you come home to a guy passed out on the couch....
The alcohol is in control of him....you can't expect him to honor any promises or to cooperate with your wish for him to be sober--for the rest of his life....
He either can't or won't do it....He is not ready to do the heavy work it takes to do that...and it takes years...not just a few weeks or months....That is just the reality of it.
Unless he ever decides to grab onto true recovery in a serious way....the alcohol will, eventually take him down....and, it will take you down, along with it.....Alcoholism not only affects the alcoholic, but, eventually, affects all those close to the alcoholic.....

As long as he has your soft place to fall....he stands little chance of embracing true recovery.....When you keep him within the nest...it hurts you and hurts him....

You don't have to stop loving him...but, sometimes, loving them from a distance is the only option left.....