ABF straight out of rehab began drinking
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I left my alcoholic boyfriend when I became convinced that I would go insane if I stayed, and that he would absolutely never find recovery with me there. He had to fall all the way, and I had to get out of the way.
It seems that neither of you are ready to jump off this terrible ride.
I hope you will stay here and learn more, for both of your sake.
It seems that neither of you are ready to jump off this terrible ride.
I hope you will stay here and learn more, for both of your sake.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 35
Hi Schne, I hope things are going ok for you. Just wanted to chime in because I, too, know how hard it is to maintain and enforce or boundaries. But I wish I had stuck to them earlier.
Unfortunately every time we relent, it trains our A's to ignore our boundaries. Why wouldn't they? We've shown them time and again that we don't mean what we say. Just like their words are hollow and not backed by actions, we can find ourselves doing the same thing.
In fact my XABF said, "Yeah yeah, heard it before" when I told him it was over and that I was done this last time. Maybe now that 29 days of NC has passed he is realizing I meant it. Or maybe he just thinks I'm holding out longer than usual. Prior to this, 7 days was the longest I was able to stick to my word of being done.
In addition to my XABF's smug belief that I would give in, talking to an ex addict helped me too... He said that if I truly loved my ABF, I would leave him. We are part of prolonging their illness and demise when we stick around and repeatedly take them back. We are accidentally enabling them under the guise of helping them. We're speeding up their death
He told me his wife leaving him is what ultimately led him to reach for help.
Though this probably isn't/wasn't particularly healthy, I grabbed onto the mindset that me leaving him might help him, and that has allowed me to stick to my guns. And as each day passes and I learn more about myself and the fog lifts a little more, I am less concerned whether or not me sticking to NC and letting him barrel towards his rock bottom alone helps "save" him and more focused on the fact that it WILL save ME.
Unfortunately every time we relent, it trains our A's to ignore our boundaries. Why wouldn't they? We've shown them time and again that we don't mean what we say. Just like their words are hollow and not backed by actions, we can find ourselves doing the same thing.
In fact my XABF said, "Yeah yeah, heard it before" when I told him it was over and that I was done this last time. Maybe now that 29 days of NC has passed he is realizing I meant it. Or maybe he just thinks I'm holding out longer than usual. Prior to this, 7 days was the longest I was able to stick to my word of being done.
In addition to my XABF's smug belief that I would give in, talking to an ex addict helped me too... He said that if I truly loved my ABF, I would leave him. We are part of prolonging their illness and demise when we stick around and repeatedly take them back. We are accidentally enabling them under the guise of helping them. We're speeding up their death
He told me his wife leaving him is what ultimately led him to reach for help.Though this probably isn't/wasn't particularly healthy, I grabbed onto the mindset that me leaving him might help him, and that has allowed me to stick to my guns. And as each day passes and I learn more about myself and the fog lifts a little more, I am less concerned whether or not me sticking to NC and letting him barrel towards his rock bottom alone helps "save" him and more focused on the fact that it WILL save ME.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Schne 
Thank you Trinity for sharing your story.
Last night was Hell. Today he is moving out. I am not staying on the rollercoaster.
Last night was Hell. Today he is moving out. I am not staying on the rollercoaster.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Schne
Thank you Trinity for sharing your story.
Last night was Hell. Today he is moving out. I am not staying on the rollercoaster.
Last night was Hell. Today he is moving out. I am not staying on the rollercoaster.
How are you doing today? I'm sorry this happened to you but really glad to hear you stood your ground.
It's painful I'm sure, but I hope you are feeling that you did the right thing.
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