Time to move forward
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 23
Time to move forward
Hello everyone. I've been mostly reading, but posted many months ago about leaving my AH. I was working my way into the conversation, which had some starts and stops. A few weeks ago, after another health issue of AH's surfaced, I told him I was done. I couldn't continue this cycle. It's not healthy for me or for him.
As you can imagine...AH did a great job of denying and placing blame on me. He had cut back on his drinking (1-2 drinks per day...that were in front of me), which I didn't give him credit for. According to him our Dr advised that 1-2 drinks per day is perfectly healthy for a man 🙄 I told him my concern is that He's never worked a recovery program...he's only "cut back"...and is now abstaining completely (as far as I know...I'm not searching for proof). That cutting back or abstaining is not sustainable. That went back to... I'm never satisfied by anything he does. Nothing he does is EVER good enough for me.
Then it turned into financial threats...he'd cut off funds to our college age daughter, he's not going to support 3 households, we will have to sell our house, which we will lose our a** on (which isn't true), I'll have to get a better job to support myself, he'll have to close his business...etc, etc.
At the beginning, I was not arguing/defending, but as my kids were pulled into it, I lost it. Long story short, I was leaving town for a few days. That was already planned. I told him I didn't want to argue anymore and that I was contacting an attorney when I returned. He was angry and left the house. He called and threatened to ask DS who he wants to live with...I asked him to please not discuss what was happening with our children until I was back in town, we discussed living arrangements and THEN talked with DS and DD together.
I went out of town, but came back early because of ANOTHER AH health crisis. I wouldn't have returned if it was just AH, but my DS was at home too and needed my support. That week, I had an attorney consult and have decided to retain her. I backed off form further discussion with AH, as he was trying to heal.
Then ANOTHER health issue surfaced. I'd share his issues, but I don't think you'd all believe me...each one is honestly more crazy than the last. Each time one occurs, as you'd predict, AH goes into a tailspin. Not drinking, but deep depression, thinking he's going to die...
So, because I pulled back from the dissolution discussion, and was back in the house, AH believes all is ok. Even though we've continued to maintain seperate bedrooms...He's asking for a hug, telling me he loves me. Acting like we never had the dissolution talk. What????
So...what do I need from you kind SR folks? A reminder that I'm not crazy. That his alcoholism is not "cured". That it's ok for me to leave this marriage. Simply because I'm not happy. That my children may be sad at first, but that I'm doing the best thing for them. And me.
I guess I need some encouragement...because I'm doing a great job of second guessing myself. I also needed to write this, so I can go back and read it. Again and again.
Thanks for listening. And for being a safe space for me.
As you can imagine...AH did a great job of denying and placing blame on me. He had cut back on his drinking (1-2 drinks per day...that were in front of me), which I didn't give him credit for. According to him our Dr advised that 1-2 drinks per day is perfectly healthy for a man 🙄 I told him my concern is that He's never worked a recovery program...he's only "cut back"...and is now abstaining completely (as far as I know...I'm not searching for proof). That cutting back or abstaining is not sustainable. That went back to... I'm never satisfied by anything he does. Nothing he does is EVER good enough for me.
Then it turned into financial threats...he'd cut off funds to our college age daughter, he's not going to support 3 households, we will have to sell our house, which we will lose our a** on (which isn't true), I'll have to get a better job to support myself, he'll have to close his business...etc, etc.
At the beginning, I was not arguing/defending, but as my kids were pulled into it, I lost it. Long story short, I was leaving town for a few days. That was already planned. I told him I didn't want to argue anymore and that I was contacting an attorney when I returned. He was angry and left the house. He called and threatened to ask DS who he wants to live with...I asked him to please not discuss what was happening with our children until I was back in town, we discussed living arrangements and THEN talked with DS and DD together.
I went out of town, but came back early because of ANOTHER AH health crisis. I wouldn't have returned if it was just AH, but my DS was at home too and needed my support. That week, I had an attorney consult and have decided to retain her. I backed off form further discussion with AH, as he was trying to heal.
Then ANOTHER health issue surfaced. I'd share his issues, but I don't think you'd all believe me...each one is honestly more crazy than the last. Each time one occurs, as you'd predict, AH goes into a tailspin. Not drinking, but deep depression, thinking he's going to die...
So, because I pulled back from the dissolution discussion, and was back in the house, AH believes all is ok. Even though we've continued to maintain seperate bedrooms...He's asking for a hug, telling me he loves me. Acting like we never had the dissolution talk. What????
So...what do I need from you kind SR folks? A reminder that I'm not crazy. That his alcoholism is not "cured". That it's ok for me to leave this marriage. Simply because I'm not happy. That my children may be sad at first, but that I'm doing the best thing for them. And me.
I guess I need some encouragement...because I'm doing a great job of second guessing myself. I also needed to write this, so I can go back and read it. Again and again.
Thanks for listening. And for being a safe space for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Your doctor either doesn’t know your AH is an alcoholic (because chances are he totally downplays his drinking) or he knows diddly squat about addiction (which wouldn’t be crazy either.....we learn very litttle about the in’s and outs of addiction ) . Any alcohol for a recovering alcoholic is not ok.
He sounds like a professional gaslighter which just proves that he is a long ways from seeking recovery more than likely. Lots of threats, making you feel like everything that’s is about to happen is all your fault. You know better, I am sure you aren’t perfect but if it is anything like my marriage was then the alcohol was pretty much to blame entirely for the demise of the marriage. Hung in there thinking things would get better until I was the one that hit rock bottom, my ex got sober, it jut came too late. Too much resentment, too much hurt and he basically killed all the feelings I had for him the last couple of years before he got sober. If only he could’ve quit the right way 2 years prior.
Anyway, he will likely not ever understand that he is mostly to blame for what is happening to your marriage, even if he ever gets clean he will still not understand really how bad it was more than likely. And what are the chances that he had been drinking when you had your fights? Be cause if he was drunk he probably doesn’t really remember how bad the fight was or what he threatened. Alcohol is great for not remembering things.
Anyway, you need to do what feels right to YOU. It doesn’t sounds like he is even interested in really quitting and just has « cut back » to keep you happy. You know that won’t last. Unless he truly wants to quit for him and seen treatment his chances of recovery are very slim. It is hard enough with treatment. My ex quit several times, on his own. The second to last time he quit for 13 months but he sought no treatment and was just white knuckling it. It still was not much better being around him. I never understood this until he went to rehab but getting clean is so much more than just quitting the substance. I always naively thought that if he just quit everything would be fine but it doesnt work that way. And recovery is hard, it changes people, they have to in order to stay clean and deal with life’s stresses without alcohol. But over the years our relationship had really changed but I just didn’t see it (or maybe just was afraid to see it). It is ok if you want to leave the marriage, whether he is an alcoholic or not. If the marriage no longer works for you then it doesn’t work for you. marriage counseling with an active addict is useless so you can’t really work on the marriage unless he decides to really get clean. I had a ton of guilt for along time that I wanted out after my ex got clean, he got clean after all so what was my problem now? Except for that I was probably done when I confronted him the last time but thanks to my codependent ways I was afraid to be honest with myself. It took a lot of counseling to be ok with it. Having to share my kid sucks (considering I did 98% of the parenting since she was born and she just turned 9) but I feel so much less stressed and I don’t regret it. Divorce sucks and communication between my ex and I (we just split 6 months ago) is very tough...still walking on eggshells and that part I hate, but for myself and my sanity and happiness I am much better off.
I’m the master of second guessing and not very good at putting myself first (I’ve gotten much better) so I get where you are. But think about where you will be in 5 years (how old is your youngest). What happens when you no longer have the distraction of kids and it is just you and him? I decided that I did not want to stick around until my kid went to college and then still get divorced. It wasn’t worth my happiness and ultimately it would not have been good for our kid either. Plus then I will be really old....
Trust your gut and don’t let him gaslight you. I know it is easier said than done. Even if he decided today he was going to take recovery serious, it probably would still be better to be separated so he could focus on him and you could see how it goes and if it would stick. But it sounds like he isn’t there so you need to put yourself first and really think about what is best for you and your sanity. Because he sure as heck is putting himself and the alcohol first with little regard for the rest of the family.
He sounds like a professional gaslighter which just proves that he is a long ways from seeking recovery more than likely. Lots of threats, making you feel like everything that’s is about to happen is all your fault. You know better, I am sure you aren’t perfect but if it is anything like my marriage was then the alcohol was pretty much to blame entirely for the demise of the marriage. Hung in there thinking things would get better until I was the one that hit rock bottom, my ex got sober, it jut came too late. Too much resentment, too much hurt and he basically killed all the feelings I had for him the last couple of years before he got sober. If only he could’ve quit the right way 2 years prior.
Anyway, he will likely not ever understand that he is mostly to blame for what is happening to your marriage, even if he ever gets clean he will still not understand really how bad it was more than likely. And what are the chances that he had been drinking when you had your fights? Be cause if he was drunk he probably doesn’t really remember how bad the fight was or what he threatened. Alcohol is great for not remembering things.
Anyway, you need to do what feels right to YOU. It doesn’t sounds like he is even interested in really quitting and just has « cut back » to keep you happy. You know that won’t last. Unless he truly wants to quit for him and seen treatment his chances of recovery are very slim. It is hard enough with treatment. My ex quit several times, on his own. The second to last time he quit for 13 months but he sought no treatment and was just white knuckling it. It still was not much better being around him. I never understood this until he went to rehab but getting clean is so much more than just quitting the substance. I always naively thought that if he just quit everything would be fine but it doesnt work that way. And recovery is hard, it changes people, they have to in order to stay clean and deal with life’s stresses without alcohol. But over the years our relationship had really changed but I just didn’t see it (or maybe just was afraid to see it). It is ok if you want to leave the marriage, whether he is an alcoholic or not. If the marriage no longer works for you then it doesn’t work for you. marriage counseling with an active addict is useless so you can’t really work on the marriage unless he decides to really get clean. I had a ton of guilt for along time that I wanted out after my ex got clean, he got clean after all so what was my problem now? Except for that I was probably done when I confronted him the last time but thanks to my codependent ways I was afraid to be honest with myself. It took a lot of counseling to be ok with it. Having to share my kid sucks (considering I did 98% of the parenting since she was born and she just turned 9) but I feel so much less stressed and I don’t regret it. Divorce sucks and communication between my ex and I (we just split 6 months ago) is very tough...still walking on eggshells and that part I hate, but for myself and my sanity and happiness I am much better off.
I’m the master of second guessing and not very good at putting myself first (I’ve gotten much better) so I get where you are. But think about where you will be in 5 years (how old is your youngest). What happens when you no longer have the distraction of kids and it is just you and him? I decided that I did not want to stick around until my kid went to college and then still get divorced. It wasn’t worth my happiness and ultimately it would not have been good for our kid either. Plus then I will be really old....
Trust your gut and don’t let him gaslight you. I know it is easier said than done. Even if he decided today he was going to take recovery serious, it probably would still be better to be separated so he could focus on him and you could see how it goes and if it would stick. But it sounds like he isn’t there so you need to put yourself first and really think about what is best for you and your sanity. Because he sure as heck is putting himself and the alcohol first with little regard for the rest of the family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 23
Sleepyhollo, thank you. I see myself and my relationship with AH in everything you described. And you're right...I need to take care of myself and my sanity. I've hung in the marriage, waiting to see what happens. But, nothing changes. No recovery. I hear it all the time here, that "actions speak louder than words". So I keep reminding myself that AH can talk a big game, but he's not making any positive changes for himself. I have to keep my focus on me. What I need to feel good and to thrive.
I know divorce won't be easy. I know it will suck, but as you said, I can't imagine what it will be like once both kids are out of the house. DD already is, DS has 3 more years of high school. I know that I can't keep this marriage (or lack thereof) going for 3 more years. It's wearing me down.
I can't thank you enough for sharing all you did with me. While I hate that we share a similar story, it helps me to recognize my AH's behavior as typical alcoholic behavior. It's to be expected. And while I'm not perfect, I'm definitely not crazy!! I wish you all the best as you and DD share your new life together.
I know divorce won't be easy. I know it will suck, but as you said, I can't imagine what it will be like once both kids are out of the house. DD already is, DS has 3 more years of high school. I know that I can't keep this marriage (or lack thereof) going for 3 more years. It's wearing me down.
I can't thank you enough for sharing all you did with me. While I hate that we share a similar story, it helps me to recognize my AH's behavior as typical alcoholic behavior. It's to be expected. And while I'm not perfect, I'm definitely not crazy!! I wish you all the best as you and DD share your new life together.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Hey Valentia - well, you're not crazy.
Everything you said, to my eyes seems completely rational and well thought out.
The fact that your AH can completely disregard that you asked him for a divorce a few weeks ago and pretend that it never happened, denial is fierce.
It is absolutely ok for you to leave the relationship simply because you are not happy!
Everything you said, to my eyes seems completely rational and well thought out.
The fact that your AH can completely disregard that you asked him for a divorce a few weeks ago and pretend that it never happened, denial is fierce.
It is absolutely ok for you to leave the relationship simply because you are not happy!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sometimes it is just not enough.
My XAH stopped drinking for an entire year after rehab. I had this vision in my head of some white knight I guess because in reality, he was still miserable, still did not like himself so he sure could not like anyone else, and in general just a miserable human being making us (myself and kids)miserable too.
Lesson learned, drinking or lack thereof is not the only problem. The problem is who they have become or who they are now, and if we can live with that....forever.
Eventually one day your children will not be there and it will be you two left, is that what you want from your life. If the answer is no, then you are doing the right thing.
It only takes one tiny bit of give for an addict or even a very selfish person to pretend all is well. They don't want to face any consequences of their behaviors, so they act as though there are none.
You only get one life, and you deserve to be happy.
My XAH stopped drinking for an entire year after rehab. I had this vision in my head of some white knight I guess because in reality, he was still miserable, still did not like himself so he sure could not like anyone else, and in general just a miserable human being making us (myself and kids)miserable too.
Lesson learned, drinking or lack thereof is not the only problem. The problem is who they have become or who they are now, and if we can live with that....forever.
Eventually one day your children will not be there and it will be you two left, is that what you want from your life. If the answer is no, then you are doing the right thing.
It only takes one tiny bit of give for an addict or even a very selfish person to pretend all is well. They don't want to face any consequences of their behaviors, so they act as though there are none.
You only get one life, and you deserve to be happy.
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