Blacked Out Bride
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 18
Blacked Out Bride
It's been years since I blacked out, but here we are. My anxious mind is agonizingly putting together some kind of story of horrible things I may or may not have said or done... At my wedding
The morning after our wedding I felt rough but was still glowing from what seemed like a perfect night. Slowly over time I started to feel "off" about things enough to do the scramble to piece things together. I can't handle stress or attention well, hence the overindulgence. A drink in hand in every picture, just to cope with the anxiety.
My husband has no recollection of my idiocy, but I'm so hesitant to go digging too deep because I'm afraid of what I will find out or confirm. I feel like I've lost touch with reality, as little mundane things in life either trigger a "memory", or seem to be an acknowledgement of something I may have done. I have no confirmation of what might have happened between blocks of memory and my anxiety is in overdrive trying to craft this horrible narrative.
I just don't know how to approach this. I can't take worrying myself sick anymore, but I'm so afraid of confronting the involved parties to confirm my worst suspicions of my horrible behavior. Looking for strength and guidance during what should be a happy life experience.
The morning after our wedding I felt rough but was still glowing from what seemed like a perfect night. Slowly over time I started to feel "off" about things enough to do the scramble to piece things together. I can't handle stress or attention well, hence the overindulgence. A drink in hand in every picture, just to cope with the anxiety.
My husband has no recollection of my idiocy, but I'm so hesitant to go digging too deep because I'm afraid of what I will find out or confirm. I feel like I've lost touch with reality, as little mundane things in life either trigger a "memory", or seem to be an acknowledgement of something I may have done. I have no confirmation of what might have happened between blocks of memory and my anxiety is in overdrive trying to craft this horrible narrative.
I just don't know how to approach this. I can't take worrying myself sick anymore, but I'm so afraid of confronting the involved parties to confirm my worst suspicions of my horrible behavior. Looking for strength and guidance during what should be a happy life experience.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm guessing that people are not going to make a thing about it. You aren't the first and you won't be the last drunk bride. Try not to freak out about it, though I'm sure that's easier said than done.
I wouldn't go looking for verification, and if anyone says anything I'd probably say, "I don't remember a lot of that day, sorry!" I mean, it's sad but true.
More importantly is that it sounds like you and your husband are both drinking more than is good for you.
Do you want to quit? That's how I make sure I don't embarrass myself and then not even remember it. I haven't done that in years, and it's a great feeling.
I wouldn't go looking for verification, and if anyone says anything I'd probably say, "I don't remember a lot of that day, sorry!" I mean, it's sad but true.
More importantly is that it sounds like you and your husband are both drinking more than is good for you.
Do you want to quit? That's how I make sure I don't embarrass myself and then not even remember it. I haven't done that in years, and it's a great feeling.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
It was YOUR day, YOUR wedding, you don't owe anyone an explanation or an apology. You only owe it to yourself to look at your drinking and determine if it's causing havoc in your life. If so, it may be time to quit.
Let it go, I'm sure everyone else has, they were probably just as wasted.
Peace to you today.
Let it go, I'm sure everyone else has, they were probably just as wasted.
Peace to you today.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,170
My guess is that if someone hasn't brought it up by now, you may not have done anything really bad or stupid. A blackout is not knowing what you did or how you ended up where you are now. It doesn't mean you acted like an idiot.
Having said that, IMO, a drunken bride at her wedding is not a pretty picture. It's a chilling omen of where the marriage might be headed.
Having said that, IMO, a drunken bride at her wedding is not a pretty picture. It's a chilling omen of where the marriage might be headed.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
In my experience - the worry about what others will think or what we may have done is but a distraction from the true shame:
that we we have spent some of our most meaningful, cherished moments in life in a condition that disallows us to experience or remember them.
having spent two of my three weddings in just such a state - I can tell you that it is a gift to be free of such states and living my life in conscious, present sobriety.
that we we have spent some of our most meaningful, cherished moments in life in a condition that disallows us to experience or remember them.
having spent two of my three weddings in just such a state - I can tell you that it is a gift to be free of such states and living my life in conscious, present sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by DriGuy 
My guess is that if someone hasn't brought it up by now, you may not have done anything really bad or stupid. A blackout is not knowing what you did or how you ended up where you are now. It doesn't mean you acted like an idiot.
Having said that, IMO, a drunken bride at her wedding is not a pretty picture. It's a chilling omen of where the marriage might be headed.
Having said that, IMO, a drunken bride at her wedding is not a pretty picture. It's a chilling omen of where the marriage might be headed.
I need to drink to quiet the anxiety (good one!) whenever I am uncomfortable in social situations. I fully believe this is a "ME-problem" and not an indication of my/our relationship. And it's a problem I want to fix for good
I'm being intentionally cryptic about actual events out of shame, but there have been several comments made that point to confirm my fears and suspicions that I acted inappropriately.
I gather that is the biggest part of recovery, getting real with yourself.. And as much as that scares me, I can't live like a shell of a person anymore. I want to be the person my husband thinks I am.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome, HideMe - I'm so glad you found us & wanted to talk about your situation. Not feeling alone anymore meant everything to me when I joined SR. I hope you'll find it a great help to know you're not the only one with regrets & remorse.
I tend to agree with most of what's been said. (Great responses.) I, too, drank due to anxiety & self-consciousness. It was the worst thing I could have done. I kept myself on hold emotionally, & never matured the way I should have. As FreeOwl mentioned, we spend some of our most cherished moments numb & unable to truly experience them. Here's where it can end though - you never have to feel upset about what might have happened again. At the end of my drinking career, I could never trust myself. I turned into a different person when I drank. She was a not classy.
You can get free, HideMe.
I tend to agree with most of what's been said. (Great responses.) I, too, drank due to anxiety & self-consciousness. It was the worst thing I could have done. I kept myself on hold emotionally, & never matured the way I should have. As FreeOwl mentioned, we spend some of our most cherished moments numb & unable to truly experience them. Here's where it can end though - you never have to feel upset about what might have happened again. At the end of my drinking career, I could never trust myself. I turned into a different person when I drank. She was a not classy.
You can get free, HideMe.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,170
Originally Posted by HideMe
I drink to self medicate. I'm painfully anxious and shy, and having a day smack in the center of attention was not the greatest of ideas for me in retrospect. I felt GUILTY for days for having a bridal shower, for example.
Originally Posted by HideMe
I fully believe this is a "ME-problem" and not an indication of my/our relationship. And it's a problem I want to fix for good
Originally Posted by HideMe
I'm being intentionally cryptic about actual events out of shame, but there have been several comments made that point to confirm my fears and suspicions that I acted inappropriately.
Originally Posted by HideMe
I gather that is the biggest part of recovery, getting real with yourself. And as much as that scares me, I can't live like a shell of a person anymore.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 18
Originally Posted by Hevyn
As FreeOwl mentioned, we spend some of our most cherished moments numb & unable to truly experience them. Here's where it can end though - you never have to feel upset about what might have happened again. At the end of my drinking career, I could never trust myself. I turned into a different person when I drank. She was a not classy. You can get free, HideMe.
You can get free, HideMe.There are some potential career related issues to correct (this chick is a destructive bitch), but I am going to try to focus on growth to get me through this. I'm sad to say it does help to know I'm not alone. Thanks all!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and welcome HideMe
I was always scared anxious ashamed and regretful person. I was painfully shy too.
Drinking promised to fix all that but instead it just made it worse and worse...
I'm glad I got sober - I have a peace and contentment now I could never dare dream of before.
Its not easy to quit when you're self medicating but support helps...Glad to have you join us
D
I was always scared anxious ashamed and regretful person. I was painfully shy too.
Drinking promised to fix all that but instead it just made it worse and worse...
I'm glad I got sober - I have a peace and contentment now I could never dare dream of before.
Its not easy to quit when you're self medicating but support helps...Glad to have you join us
D
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,673
Welcome. You cannot undo the past, but we can learn from it. I find that posting here a lot, plus outside fam. support is necessary-so GP for depression and general health, psychologist for the reasons why I drank and meetings.
My prayers and support to you. KEEP POSTING!
My prayers and support to you. KEEP POSTING!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
Welcome. I’m so sorry you have lost pieces of your own wedding. If you want to move forward sober, you’re in a good place here. We understand. This site helped me to get sober and i bet it can help you as well.
xoxo
Bexxed
xoxo
Bexxed
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 412
As someone who has done things they are ashamed of when drunk and was worried about seeing the people afterwards. I found the anxiety and racing thoughts were much much worse than just confronting the issue and talking to them. 90 percent of the time it was much worse in my head then what actually happened and the other 10 percent they pretty much shrugged it off and forgave me. I can tell you for sure though the stress of omg what did I do is much worse than what actually happened if anything did happen.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 260
Hey HideMe,
Sorry to hear that. A blackout is nasty, and it's true what Amy Schumer says ("Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What's this Pilates mat doing out?''), but equally it sounds like your husband is okay with it, and your guests will get over it. In short, and no matter how bad you might be feeling right now, nothing in your life is truly broken as a result of your drinking. This is A Good Thing.
Your next good thing is that if you do decide to give up drinking as a result of this, you now have the world's best reason for doing so. A lot of folk who give up struggle with what to tell their nearest and dearest. It's weird but true that people always want know the reasons why you've given up and pruriently insist on hearing the gory details. Anything milder than, 'I went out for a lunchtime drink and ended up in prison for murder,' and they're not satisfied. You, however, have a great one! 'I woke up the morning after my wedding and didn't remember much. I decided on a new beginning there and then.'
Another thing. You know how you drink to cope with anxiety? How anxious do you feel now? Even without the little episodes that we drinkers all weather, it's still an anxiety-increasing drug. Plus it robs you of sleep.
My advice is to put this episode behind you, but use it as a learning experience and move on. You may stumble (he said, knowingly) but the chances are that you'll discover that a life without drinking is a great one, at which point you'll realise that your wedding day was in many ways the best day of your life.
Sorry to hear that. A blackout is nasty, and it's true what Amy Schumer says ("Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What's this Pilates mat doing out?''), but equally it sounds like your husband is okay with it, and your guests will get over it. In short, and no matter how bad you might be feeling right now, nothing in your life is truly broken as a result of your drinking. This is A Good Thing.
Your next good thing is that if you do decide to give up drinking as a result of this, you now have the world's best reason for doing so. A lot of folk who give up struggle with what to tell their nearest and dearest. It's weird but true that people always want know the reasons why you've given up and pruriently insist on hearing the gory details. Anything milder than, 'I went out for a lunchtime drink and ended up in prison for murder,' and they're not satisfied. You, however, have a great one! 'I woke up the morning after my wedding and didn't remember much. I decided on a new beginning there and then.'
Another thing. You know how you drink to cope with anxiety? How anxious do you feel now? Even without the little episodes that we drinkers all weather, it's still an anxiety-increasing drug. Plus it robs you of sleep.
My advice is to put this episode behind you, but use it as a learning experience and move on. You may stumble (he said, knowingly) but the chances are that you'll discover that a life without drinking is a great one, at which point you'll realise that your wedding day was in many ways the best day of your life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 120
I have too many of these moments in my past to even count. My behavior has cost me dear friendships. I have embarrassed myself to the point I would rather not see certain people ever again. I lost my sobriety on my wedding day. You are certainly not alone in this. I did not start blacking out until the end days of my drinking. I would lose entire evenings and conversations. It was embarrassing trying to cover my tracks and pretend like I was not a total nitwit. One time at the bar I actually threw myself at my ex husband in front of my new boyfriend (now my husband) and his girlfriend. My sister had to pull me away. I was humiliated. It will pass and what's done is done. Maybe amends down the road will help. Dwelling on it will not help your sobriety though. I know for myself that I cannot focus on those things. I will talk myself right into a drink.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 18
I'm very thankful for all of your comments and support. I'm sure you all realize how "good" it feels to have understanding in these moments.
I went to my standing psych appointment this morning and was given an appointment with a therapist. It felt good to get things out without burdening my family and friends. I'll continue searching for my path out. Between waves of guilt, worry, and shame I have a drive to want to prove myself better than this mess.
I went to my standing psych appointment this morning and was given an appointment with a therapist. It felt good to get things out without burdening my family and friends. I'll continue searching for my path out. Between waves of guilt, worry, and shame I have a drive to want to prove myself better than this mess.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
Hi,
im recently married and while I did not blackout, my wedding didn’t go well and I look huge and bloated in my photos. My beer belly completely rebelled against my spanx. I have a solution for it. I’m 51 days sober today. I am working out and dieting, saving money, trying to rebuild my marriage. Once I get in great shape, and save up enough, I am going to put that size 4 dress on again. I’m going to hire a photographer to take the “real” wedding photos. We are going away on a healthy honeymoon packed with healthy activities, snorkeling, kayaking and I will look at my wedding as just the paperwork part of it all. It may take many more months but it will be worth it. I’d consider having a sober anniversary and redeem yourself from the drunken wedding night. I was so nervous too, and literally not sure if I could go through with the wedding and almost canceled. So I drank tons to try to get past my nerves, it didn’t make anything better. Either way, the future has so much possibility and a photographer can make it look all new.
im recently married and while I did not blackout, my wedding didn’t go well and I look huge and bloated in my photos. My beer belly completely rebelled against my spanx. I have a solution for it. I’m 51 days sober today. I am working out and dieting, saving money, trying to rebuild my marriage. Once I get in great shape, and save up enough, I am going to put that size 4 dress on again. I’m going to hire a photographer to take the “real” wedding photos. We are going away on a healthy honeymoon packed with healthy activities, snorkeling, kayaking and I will look at my wedding as just the paperwork part of it all. It may take many more months but it will be worth it. I’d consider having a sober anniversary and redeem yourself from the drunken wedding night. I was so nervous too, and literally not sure if I could go through with the wedding and almost canceled. So I drank tons to try to get past my nerves, it didn’t make anything better. Either way, the future has so much possibility and a photographer can make it look all new.
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