eeeerrrr

:tissue

I am new here and don't even know where to begin. I just know that I am very lonely and depressed. I just wander about wondering what to do with myself. Is that like the phase before becoming suicidal? god, and now the holidays are coming,,,i wish they told me to work on thanksgiving.

I've been drinking for over 20 years. the longest i've gone without a drink is 5 days. when I don't drink i just think more about what a mess I am. when I do drink, I usually drink way too much and end up doing coke too(my nose still burns).

Oh, I've also been diagnosed with bipolar and major depression. I have been this way for so long that I don't know if i can ever 'feel good'.

I am running out of medication yet can't bring myself to go to the doctor becuse i'm too depressed.

My mind is so screwed up that I can't really carry on an adult conversation with another person. I think the doctors look at me like i'm a hopeless case.
I am too chicken to kill myself but I whish I could just go to sleep and not wake up.

Oh, I have my 'better days' or should I say, moments but any little thing will cause me to crash down in to the bottomless pit of depression.

sometimes I just cry and wish that someone would just hold me and stay with me so that maybe I could feel better.

Time2Surrender

eeeerrr,hang in there.I am glad you found this place.Never give up.And as far as suicide,well its a permanant solution to a temporary problem.And also a very selfish solution.Not to mention you have no idea for sure what happens after you do that.Imagine the pain you are in right now multiplied by 100, for eternity.Keep coming here and posting.You will meet some really good people here and get a lot of support too.There is hope,I promise.Coming here is a very good start.I also highly recommend trying Alcoholics Anonymous.Hang in there.We are here for you.

Phinneas

There is a place for us "hopeless cases," my dear, and that is in the rooms of AA and NA. I know, because I am one. I too have felt the crushing depression and despair, feeling like there is no hope of things ever getting better. But there is a way. There is hope. You can get clean and sober and live a life without needing that first drink or drug. AA / NA has worked for millions of people, it will work for you, too, IF YOU WANT IT. That's the key. Are you sick and tire of being sick and tired? Try a meeting a day for 90 days. If it doesn't work for you, like they say, we'll gladly refund your misery.

Hang in there and let us know how you are doing, OK?

hugs,

jojo

lulu70

Welcome to SR! There are many people here, including myself, who understand your misery and despair. You CAN feel better, but you have got to get sober. Antidepressants don't work if you are drinking. Have you thought about going to AA? This is my second time in the program. The first time I tried to get sober I couldn't let go of the idea that I was somehow different than the other people in AA. Now I realize I am no different than anyone with a substance abuse problem. We all need help. You can get help if you really want it. Try calling the AA hotline in your area. See what they have to say. Go to a meeting. AA has saved my life. If I can do it, anyone can.

Hang in there--

eeeerrrr

Wow, I forgot that I am actually a member here. Its just so funny how people have no sympathy for those of us with substance abuse problems. They don't know the pain that I go thru. And I am addicted to other medications besides alcohol....and they are not easy to quit. Yet, I have to wake up every day and act like a 'normal person'. Sometimes I just want to be one of those people that sleep in the streets....that noone cares about. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just feel like I have a terminal illness and don't have the energy to 'be' a 'normal' person much longer. I know there are probably alot of you that feel or have felt the same way.

The problem with AA is that everyone that speaks says they feel 'great' well I don't because I can't even stay sober for more than 5 days. So I don't feel like I have anything in common with those people. I feel that those in AA only care about you if you have been able to go x number of days without drinking. I don't want to drink but when I don't drink. I can't handle myself. I can't get through the lonely weekends. I don't know what to do with myself.

eeeerrrr

Where are all these people that are supposed to be sponsors.

LosingmyMisery

Have you gone to a local meeting and mentioned you need a sponsor?

adore79

Hi eeeerrr, I can totally relate to the way you feel. Going to the doctor and being honest about your drinking would be a great step in the right direction. Medications for depression dont work right when you are drinking. Also, suicide is not the way, I tried it and I am so thankful that I was not successful, I'd rather be miserable with a chance of getting happy than dead.

Anna

Hi and Welcome Back,

There is lots of support here.

We do understand how hard it is to quit. I hope you keep reading and posting.

Talking to your dr is a good idea.