bad day
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
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bad day
Hi Everyone. I posted quite a lengthy post about relapsing after five months. I'm just need to reach out today.
It day three now but I still feel absolutely awful. I tried to go to work but had to leave. I've had to lie to them about being off and that feels horrendous but it's a new job and I felt it was all I could do.
I know this is kindling. I drank 8 tins of cider and half a bottle of vodka. I know that is a lot after a long period of abstinence but I feel like I'm coming off a week long bender, when it was just a night and a morning. Its really starting to scare me. I going to the doctors in the morning and I already spoke with her on Monday.
I feel like I'm having a crisis. I was really fine last week, so I think my relapse has triggered a mental health crisis.
I'm never ever ever doing this again - EVER.
Thank you xx
It day three now but I still feel absolutely awful. I tried to go to work but had to leave. I've had to lie to them about being off and that feels horrendous but it's a new job and I felt it was all I could do.
I know this is kindling. I drank 8 tins of cider and half a bottle of vodka. I know that is a lot after a long period of abstinence but I feel like I'm coming off a week long bender, when it was just a night and a morning. Its really starting to scare me. I going to the doctors in the morning and I already spoke with her on Monday.
I feel like I'm having a crisis. I was really fine last week, so I think my relapse has triggered a mental health crisis.
I'm never ever ever doing this again - EVER.
Thank you xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by Dandelion12 
You dont have to do it again- ever
You sound like me a month ago.
The last time was so awful I just KNEW. I was not living like that anymore.
This could be a real turning point in your life!
You sound like me a month ago.
The last time was so awful I just KNEW. I was not living like that anymore.
This could be a real turning point in your life!
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Location: Scotland
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Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi Gabe
I'm sorry you feel so bad - do you think you need the doctor?
D
I'm sorry you feel so bad - do you think you need the doctor?
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Hi Gabe,
I've been in your shoes. Two years ago while going through an excruciating withdrawal I knew that I had reached the end of the road. There was no more sugar coating it, if I started up again the only outcome was a horrible death.
Right now I'm having my morning coffee after a restful night sleep and I feel happy. Just like I do every morning these days. There is no reason you can't have the same for yourself, just need to make a commitment to stopping.
Best of luck in your journey.
I've been in your shoes. Two years ago while going through an excruciating withdrawal I knew that I had reached the end of the road. There was no more sugar coating it, if I started up again the only outcome was a horrible death.
Right now I'm having my morning coffee after a restful night sleep and I feel happy. Just like I do every morning these days. There is no reason you can't have the same for yourself, just need to make a commitment to stopping.
Best of luck in your journey.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think you should go back and re-read all your old threads today while you're home. There is a lot of wisdom in those back threads of yours.
Sounds like you may be done.
Time will tell of course - but I hope you are done.
Sounds like you may be done.
Time will tell of course - but I hope you are done.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 3
New here. I have a question. Is kindling a feeling of being off balance? A bit dizzy? Unstable? I have been experiencing this as I am weaning off of wine. It's a horrible feeling. I guess I can always Google it, but I've been reading peoples' blogs on the AWESOME site and getting inspired that it will get better every day Thank you.
Gabe, best of luck to you! You can do this
Gabe, best of luck to you! You can do this
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
I experienced the same, with things getting each time. I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad at the moment. It's a good plan to see the doctor tomorrow and I do hope that you feel better soon.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
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Thanks everyone. I am starting to feel angry now - usually a good sign. Just angry I'm in this situation again. I am just trying to accept that this is where I am and I know what to do to work my way out of it.
I think the doctor is still the right idea, just to talk about some of the physical symptoms I've had.
I think reading over old post is a really good idea Bimini - I'm feeling a bit more level, so going to put some things in place and reading through that stuff will hopefully cement how I'm feeling and my commitment to abstain for the rest of my life.
I've had happy morning with coffee and peach and contentment. Why would I ever chose this over living in peace? Thanks again xx
I think the doctor is still the right idea, just to talk about some of the physical symptoms I've had.
I think reading over old post is a really good idea Bimini - I'm feeling a bit more level, so going to put some things in place and reading through that stuff will hopefully cement how I'm feeling and my commitment to abstain for the rest of my life.
I've had happy morning with coffee and peach and contentment. Why would I ever chose this over living in peace? Thanks again xx
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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i posted this in another thread but I thought I would copy and paste it here as I think I may get a bit more feedback. I hope that is ok but please let me know if its not.
As you can imagine, I've been doing a considerable amount of thinking and praying today. I've also taken some steps to properly address the reasons why this happened. I'm thinking out loud, so to speak, but any thoughts or suggestions would be so helpful;
1) Part of the reason I relapsed this time was that I haven't been completely honest about the severity of my alcohol problem with people I'm close to. I've minimised it an that has helped me lie to myself.
I told my husband now that I drink in the morning - every single time- when I drink. I also told him about the withdrawal symptoms and what I understood about kindling. I have started speaking to my family about it too, who are supportive. I need them to understand and get on board with the fact that I CANNOT drink EVER.
2) My relapsing has gone from every 4 days, to every six weeks, to now every few months. Each time my symptoms of withdrawal get worse and I fear for my health and sanity more.
This is a good thing because I can use the fear. The first thing I am going today if properly commit to meetings and the steps. I am going to do what every single long-term sober person has told me here to do, have a solid plan, prioritise my recovery and work it day to day. I have had a decent plan in some ways but what was missing was more support. I've been healthier and more active, my self-care has been better and I've been more in balance but I'v been isolated and I need other sober people, working a programme, around me.
Come here to keep learning and to connect - thank you!
Acknowledge and be grateful every day to be sober. I can truly say that in all sincerity as I have been so, so happy. I need to protect it.
3) Stinking thinking - have been saying all sorts of **** to myself in the last couple of weeks about moderation, about drinking in a way that 'compliments ' how happy I am now, like drinking would complete things. Somewhere in the middle of that I knew it was lies. If I had checked that out with people in recovery they would have told me. Instead I checked it out with people I know would have wanted me to drink and they told me what I wanted to hear.
Any thoughts of drinking - check them out with the right people, who know my relationship with alcohol and what it will do to me.
Slept all day and I think I'm getting on the right side of it now. Still scared half to death but don't think I am going to die, this time. In two days alcohol has taken my physical and mental health, my peace and any positive feelings I had about myself, not to mention the patience and harmony in my marriage.
I respect everyone here so much for making SR integral to your recovery and your life. Thank you for helping me over the last few days. I'm not going anywhere. Love Gabe xx
As you can imagine, I've been doing a considerable amount of thinking and praying today. I've also taken some steps to properly address the reasons why this happened. I'm thinking out loud, so to speak, but any thoughts or suggestions would be so helpful;
1) Part of the reason I relapsed this time was that I haven't been completely honest about the severity of my alcohol problem with people I'm close to. I've minimised it an that has helped me lie to myself.
I told my husband now that I drink in the morning - every single time- when I drink. I also told him about the withdrawal symptoms and what I understood about kindling. I have started speaking to my family about it too, who are supportive. I need them to understand and get on board with the fact that I CANNOT drink EVER.
2) My relapsing has gone from every 4 days, to every six weeks, to now every few months. Each time my symptoms of withdrawal get worse and I fear for my health and sanity more.
This is a good thing because I can use the fear. The first thing I am going today if properly commit to meetings and the steps. I am going to do what every single long-term sober person has told me here to do, have a solid plan, prioritise my recovery and work it day to day. I have had a decent plan in some ways but what was missing was more support. I've been healthier and more active, my self-care has been better and I've been more in balance but I'v been isolated and I need other sober people, working a programme, around me.
Come here to keep learning and to connect - thank you!
Acknowledge and be grateful every day to be sober. I can truly say that in all sincerity as I have been so, so happy. I need to protect it.
3) Stinking thinking - have been saying all sorts of **** to myself in the last couple of weeks about moderation, about drinking in a way that 'compliments ' how happy I am now, like drinking would complete things. Somewhere in the middle of that I knew it was lies. If I had checked that out with people in recovery they would have told me. Instead I checked it out with people I know would have wanted me to drink and they told me what I wanted to hear.
Any thoughts of drinking - check them out with the right people, who know my relationship with alcohol and what it will do to me.
Slept all day and I think I'm getting on the right side of it now. Still scared half to death but don't think I am going to die, this time. In two days alcohol has taken my physical and mental health, my peace and any positive feelings I had about myself, not to mention the patience and harmony in my marriage.
I respect everyone here so much for making SR integral to your recovery and your life. Thank you for helping me over the last few days. I'm not going anywhere. Love Gabe xx
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
This is a good thing because I can use the fear
In my previous attempts to quit drinking I was practicing abstinence instead of sobriety. Meaning I thought if I simply stopped putting a bottle to my lips that all my problems would magically disappear. Needless to say that didn't work for me.
After my final sobriety I was terrified as well. This was it for me, no more chances. Before I was half-assing it with sobriety but now I was 100% committed to changing everything. Anything that was a hindrance to my sobriety was banished from my life, never to be seen again. That meant eliminating toxic people and establishing personal boundaries. That meant changing my routines and habits. That meant prioritizing my needs above anything else.
Fear can be a motivator in the short term but those memories eventually fade and the AV swoops in again. So I used my initial fear to instill a disciplined program that I continue to follow faithfully.
In my previous attempts to quit drinking I was practicing abstinence instead of sobriety. Meaning I thought if I simply stopped putting a bottle to my lips that all my problems would magically disappear. Needless to say that didn't work for me.
After my final sobriety I was terrified as well. This was it for me, no more chances. Before I was half-assing it with sobriety but now I was 100% committed to changing everything. Anything that was a hindrance to my sobriety was banished from my life, never to be seen again. That meant eliminating toxic people and establishing personal boundaries. That meant changing my routines and habits. That meant prioritizing my needs above anything else.
Fear can be a motivator in the short term but those memories eventually fade and the AV swoops in again. So I used my initial fear to instill a disciplined program that I continue to follow faithfully.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Gabe. There are times when fear can be your friend, and this may be one of those times. I was so full of fear I was scared of my own shadow, and realising the envitability of the down hill slide into the alcoholic pit was the best motivator for taking drastic action. I knew I needed to. As someone else said, however, fear is not a long term solution - something has to replace it to provide a lasting defence against the fatal first drink.
In my experience people relapse because they have no effective defence against the fatal first drink. They had no defence because they did not take the action required to gain such a defence. They took no action, because they did not think they needed to. They thought they didn't need to because they didn't realise the seriousness of their situation.
My fear came from realising the seriousness of my situation, perhaps seeing reality for the first time. That led to action, which quite quickly led to a change in outlook, and I still recall the moment when I stopped staying sober out of fear, and began staying sober just because I loved this new way of living and what it was doing for me. At that point, three months and ten steps in, drinking became redundant.
In my experience people relapse because they have no effective defence against the fatal first drink. They had no defence because they did not take the action required to gain such a defence. They took no action, because they did not think they needed to. They thought they didn't need to because they didn't realise the seriousness of their situation.
My fear came from realising the seriousness of my situation, perhaps seeing reality for the first time. That led to action, which quite quickly led to a change in outlook, and I still recall the moment when I stopped staying sober out of fear, and began staying sober just because I loved this new way of living and what it was doing for me. At that point, three months and ten steps in, drinking became redundant.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
So glad you made it back Gabe. You sound to be in a very similar situation to me when I last drank on 29 July 2017. Kindling is real for sure. And it's terrifying. That fear will buy you some sober time but you already know it fades. Keep it alive - watch YouTube videos of advanced alcoholism or a favourite of mine Rain in my Heart to keep it alive. Your honesty with your loved ones sounds like just the right thing. Well done for being so brave. Lots of love xxx
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,975
Hi Gabe. It is good to hear from you and you sound like you are doing some deep self reflection and already making changes, which is awesome.
I completely agree with what Wethinknot said. Fear is a good short term motivator. That will fade over time though. I was not able to achieve long term sobriety u til I got to work on myself and my emotional sobriety. I went to therapy, I worked on changing the beliefs, thoughts, behaviors and habits that were keeping me stuck. I distanced myself from my heavy drinking friends and anyone who wasn’t supporting my decision to no longer drink. I got new friends. I still practice mindfulness, meditation, yoga and exercise everyday. I practice gratitude everyday. Life can still be difficult but I am using healthier coping skills.
I am so glad you have told your husband and family and hope they are being supportive for you.
I hope to keep seeing you here!
I completely agree with what Wethinknot said. Fear is a good short term motivator. That will fade over time though. I was not able to achieve long term sobriety u til I got to work on myself and my emotional sobriety. I went to therapy, I worked on changing the beliefs, thoughts, behaviors and habits that were keeping me stuck. I distanced myself from my heavy drinking friends and anyone who wasn’t supporting my decision to no longer drink. I got new friends. I still practice mindfulness, meditation, yoga and exercise everyday. I practice gratitude everyday. Life can still be difficult but I am using healthier coping skills.
I am so glad you have told your husband and family and hope they are being supportive for you.
I hope to keep seeing you here!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,645
Hi Gabe,
How are you feeling?
I'm done too, buddy. Forever and ever and ever. It's a daily thing, but it feels so good to commit to it. The withdrawals don't last forever. Alcohol withdrawal is just freaking hell to go through.
How are you feeling?
I'm done too, buddy. Forever and ever and ever. It's a daily thing, but it feels so good to commit to it. The withdrawals don't last forever. Alcohol withdrawal is just freaking hell to go through.
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