Mom of alcoholic daughter needing support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Fishers, IN
Posts: 11
Mom of alcoholic daughter needing support
Hello, I’m new here. My name is Tina. I’m the mother of 3 . My oldest daughter is 24 (today actually), my middle daughter is 21 and my baby boy is 16. My oldest came home from college after her 4th year in May of 2017. She had switched her major from pharmacy school to nutritional science and, therefore, has one semester to finish. She cane home that summer and something had snapped in her. I mean a full blown complete transformation. Her mind, body, spirit, soul had changed and her eyes even seemed unrecognizeable. She then began what now has been 2 years straight of her intense addiction to alcohol.
It would take days to lay out her timeline.. basically ;
- been out of control , abusive and mean
- has lied, stolen, hit us, broken many things, ruined cars, etc
- been in and out of hospitals, detox centers close to 40-50 times,
2 rehab facilities
-been close to dying at least 5 times
- alienated every friend and family member
- ruined family connections
- been stealing to find her addiction
- even been on sugar babies sites to meet men to find her habit
- manipulated our family to the point we questioned our own sanity
- been to jail for shoplifting a can of alcohol, got out and during the hour drive I had to once again pick her up use her remaining commissary monies to get drunk by time I got there to get her from jail
-went to 30 day treatment after this and when I brought her home it wasn’t an hour and she’s found something she’d squirreled away and was drunk again!
- ended up in a sober living facility, had job, was doing great and then did not go to or contact courts for her court date from the shoplifting offense .. she then ended up with a warrant . I had it all worked out for friends to get her from sober living, bring her to city warrant was from to face judge and pay fine and then get back to sober living and even be allowed to finish out her 9 months there and keep her job. Day she was to be picked up to do this she got sent home from work for being drunk, lost her job, got kicked out of sober living and was picked up by the local sheriff in that city and held for a week. The authorities from the city crime had been in then came and brought her to their jail for another week. I hired Atty and the courts allowed her to be released and all charges dismissed if I paid Atty and had her go immediately to another treatment center even out of state. She is there now. She is to complete her time there and then whatever and wherever sober living facility they then decide upon. I went to see her 2 weeks ago and was allowed to take her to lunch, see a movie and even go shopping at Target to get her a few things she needed with what little money I have. On way back to place and facing a 3.5 hour drive home, she informs me she had taken 2 small bottles of wine at Target while I was in bathroom and drank them! They were going to breathalizeher when we got back! I got her coffee and pretty much lost my cool and exploded at her. She tested a wee bit over and they bought her story of mint gum. I’m broken ... I’m a single mom, my ex (all 3 kids daddy) passed in June and I’m handling this all alone. I’m paying for previous treatment center she drank after graduating from, her Atty and court fees and now this new facility. It’s almost killed me and my 2 other kids. They are broken and feel like they’ve lost their dad and now sister. My ex died from cirrhosis which he’d been high functioning at and hid from us for a long time .
I’m needing to be done with this. She is 24, has no license or car now, no job, no connections from her amazing high school or college or sorority anymore and none of her family members anymore . She has nowhere to go abd nobody but me to be her sole support system. I struggle with cutting her out of my life right now and letting her face her demons and consequences along with feeling like if I do that she’ll not ever want to get better if she does finally lose me... I don’t know what to do. I’m supposed to go again and drive 3.5 hours there and 3.5 hours back after seeing her for six hours this coming Sunday when they have visiting day. I feel used, manipulated and abused. I’m her target and the one she puts all her rage, blame and deflection on.. I don’t want to go Sunday, but then feel like that’s wrong as I am only person left in her life supporting her. I’m tired of being yelled at, cussed at, lied to and being lectured on how I don’t understand this disease and how hard it is on “her”. Every conversation is about how tough things are for her there, poor her, and what she needs from me in terms of money or stuff to bring, etc..
my son is severely depressed from this all, my daughter has panic attack’s, I’m physically, emotionally, spiritually spent , I’m in financial distress from this and although got 2 promotions during these awful 2 years have been talked to numerous times due to all the time I continually have needed these 2 years handling it all. It never ends.. I can’t hanfke this alone anymore... I need advice and guidance and support ... do I go Sunday?? My other kids need me very much now and all my time and energy have been on Annie for far too long... but the fear of burying my child and having my kids attend another funeral in our family if I make the wrong choices is enough to maybe kill me .. 💔😢
Ps. My fear is since she has no money, job, car, license, home (except her family home with us), no friends anymore (except the guys she meets in detox and rehab 😞
, no family to turn to.. etc... if I step away and let her handle things with nothing , she’ll end up dead, in jail, in a trap house or used for prostitution or something. I feel like this whole burden is now on me with how I handle the situation and decisions I make ... please help
It would take days to lay out her timeline.. basically ;
- been out of control , abusive and mean
- has lied, stolen, hit us, broken many things, ruined cars, etc
- been in and out of hospitals, detox centers close to 40-50 times,
2 rehab facilities
-been close to dying at least 5 times
- alienated every friend and family member
- ruined family connections
- been stealing to find her addiction
- even been on sugar babies sites to meet men to find her habit
- manipulated our family to the point we questioned our own sanity
- been to jail for shoplifting a can of alcohol, got out and during the hour drive I had to once again pick her up use her remaining commissary monies to get drunk by time I got there to get her from jail
-went to 30 day treatment after this and when I brought her home it wasn’t an hour and she’s found something she’d squirreled away and was drunk again!
- ended up in a sober living facility, had job, was doing great and then did not go to or contact courts for her court date from the shoplifting offense .. she then ended up with a warrant . I had it all worked out for friends to get her from sober living, bring her to city warrant was from to face judge and pay fine and then get back to sober living and even be allowed to finish out her 9 months there and keep her job. Day she was to be picked up to do this she got sent home from work for being drunk, lost her job, got kicked out of sober living and was picked up by the local sheriff in that city and held for a week. The authorities from the city crime had been in then came and brought her to their jail for another week. I hired Atty and the courts allowed her to be released and all charges dismissed if I paid Atty and had her go immediately to another treatment center even out of state. She is there now. She is to complete her time there and then whatever and wherever sober living facility they then decide upon. I went to see her 2 weeks ago and was allowed to take her to lunch, see a movie and even go shopping at Target to get her a few things she needed with what little money I have. On way back to place and facing a 3.5 hour drive home, she informs me she had taken 2 small bottles of wine at Target while I was in bathroom and drank them! They were going to breathalizeher when we got back! I got her coffee and pretty much lost my cool and exploded at her. She tested a wee bit over and they bought her story of mint gum. I’m broken ... I’m a single mom, my ex (all 3 kids daddy) passed in June and I’m handling this all alone. I’m paying for previous treatment center she drank after graduating from, her Atty and court fees and now this new facility. It’s almost killed me and my 2 other kids. They are broken and feel like they’ve lost their dad and now sister. My ex died from cirrhosis which he’d been high functioning at and hid from us for a long time .
I’m needing to be done with this. She is 24, has no license or car now, no job, no connections from her amazing high school or college or sorority anymore and none of her family members anymore . She has nowhere to go abd nobody but me to be her sole support system. I struggle with cutting her out of my life right now and letting her face her demons and consequences along with feeling like if I do that she’ll not ever want to get better if she does finally lose me... I don’t know what to do. I’m supposed to go again and drive 3.5 hours there and 3.5 hours back after seeing her for six hours this coming Sunday when they have visiting day. I feel used, manipulated and abused. I’m her target and the one she puts all her rage, blame and deflection on.. I don’t want to go Sunday, but then feel like that’s wrong as I am only person left in her life supporting her. I’m tired of being yelled at, cussed at, lied to and being lectured on how I don’t understand this disease and how hard it is on “her”. Every conversation is about how tough things are for her there, poor her, and what she needs from me in terms of money or stuff to bring, etc..
my son is severely depressed from this all, my daughter has panic attack’s, I’m physically, emotionally, spiritually spent , I’m in financial distress from this and although got 2 promotions during these awful 2 years have been talked to numerous times due to all the time I continually have needed these 2 years handling it all. It never ends.. I can’t hanfke this alone anymore... I need advice and guidance and support ... do I go Sunday?? My other kids need me very much now and all my time and energy have been on Annie for far too long... but the fear of burying my child and having my kids attend another funeral in our family if I make the wrong choices is enough to maybe kill me .. 💔😢
Ps. My fear is since she has no money, job, car, license, home (except her family home with us), no friends anymore (except the guys she meets in detox and rehab 😞
, no family to turn to.. etc... if I step away and let her handle things with nothing , she’ll end up dead, in jail, in a trap house or used for prostitution or something. I feel like this whole burden is now on me with how I handle the situation and decisions I make ... please help
Last edited by Mcginnit; 04-05-2019 at 09:52 PM. Reason: One more thing
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,287
Hi, and I'm so glad you found this site.
You truly sound desperate and I can understand that. My heart goes out to you , really, for having to go through this.
On this site there is a forum specifically for family members of alcoholics, and I think you will find so much support and help there.
Just scroll down , until you find the "Family and Friends" section
If it were me, I might consider not going this Sunday, and telling her that it is because of what happened the last time. Also consider writing to her ? Explaining how you feel. Putting all your feelings on paper - much as you did here.That doesn't give her the opportunity of interrupting you and making it about herself.
Maybe it is time for some tough love. But that is said with so much empathy - I have a daughter the exact same age who studied the exact same course as your Annie - and found my heart in my throat while reading. Sending you lots of hugs, strength and courage. XXXXX
You truly sound desperate and I can understand that. My heart goes out to you , really, for having to go through this.
On this site there is a forum specifically for family members of alcoholics, and I think you will find so much support and help there.
Just scroll down , until you find the "Family and Friends" section
If it were me, I might consider not going this Sunday, and telling her that it is because of what happened the last time. Also consider writing to her ? Explaining how you feel. Putting all your feelings on paper - much as you did here.That doesn't give her the opportunity of interrupting you and making it about herself.
Maybe it is time for some tough love. But that is said with so much empathy - I have a daughter the exact same age who studied the exact same course as your Annie - and found my heart in my throat while reading. Sending you lots of hugs, strength and courage. XXXXX
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Oh my. I have just read your story. I am so so sorry this is happening to you. And to your daughter. I am the alcoholic. And alcohol had such a grip on me it came before EVERYTHING else and I hurt so many people including my own dear mum. But nobody could "save" me. I could only quit and begin the process of recovery when I had enough and I was ready. Sadly it doesn't sound like your daughter is at that point.
Have you heard of Al-Anon? It is a support group for families of alcoholics. It would probably benefit you to be around people who are in the same situation. The focus is on you instead of the alcoholic. There is also a friends and family of alcoholics thread here, if you could copy and paste your post in there you will get some excellent responses as these guys are on your side of the fence and have been through what you have.
I will pray for your daughter and I really hope she finds her way out of the insanity soon and God Bless you, you sound like a wonderful mum and I hope (I know!) You will get the support you need here, you are in the right place.
Xxxx
Have you heard of Al-Anon? It is a support group for families of alcoholics. It would probably benefit you to be around people who are in the same situation. The focus is on you instead of the alcoholic. There is also a friends and family of alcoholics thread here, if you could copy and paste your post in there you will get some excellent responses as these guys are on your side of the fence and have been through what you have.
I will pray for your daughter and I really hope she finds her way out of the insanity soon and God Bless you, you sound like a wonderful mum and I hope (I know!) You will get the support you need here, you are in the right place.
Xxxx
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I was the alcoholic son. 22 years old when I got sober. Now I have children (grown up now) of my own. My heart goes out to you.
My story was much like your daughter's. No money, no job, no friends, most family would have nothing to do with me, and rally physically and mentally ill. I got to sleeping in parks. My father flew me home and they took me in, gave me food, somewhere to sleep, but never any money. I ruined one more Christmas for them, and then, of my own volition, called AA for help. Three weeks later I took my last drink.
The people that helped me most were the people like employers and friends who refused to tolerate my behaviour. It seemed harsh at the time, but I needed to face the consequences of my actions. However my father was not the kind of parent to give up entirely. Somehow he manged to help me without enabling me.
The other thing that it is important for you to know is that none of this was my father's fault, neither could he do anything to fix it. That was down to me.
As others have suggested, some useful help can be found in the freinds and families forum.
My story was much like your daughter's. No money, no job, no friends, most family would have nothing to do with me, and rally physically and mentally ill. I got to sleeping in parks. My father flew me home and they took me in, gave me food, somewhere to sleep, but never any money. I ruined one more Christmas for them, and then, of my own volition, called AA for help. Three weeks later I took my last drink.
The people that helped me most were the people like employers and friends who refused to tolerate my behaviour. It seemed harsh at the time, but I needed to face the consequences of my actions. However my father was not the kind of parent to give up entirely. Somehow he manged to help me without enabling me.
The other thing that it is important for you to know is that none of this was my father's fault, neither could he do anything to fix it. That was down to me.
As others have suggested, some useful help can be found in the freinds and families forum.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Mcg,
I am an expert in getting drunk. From that position I didn't care what anyone thought or said to me while I was drinking as long as I wasn't breaking any rules or laws.
I was, like your daughter, not a normal person while under active addiction.
You are correct in your assessment that your daughter may end up dead or in a sex slave situation etc.
You did your best. It is not your fault. It is her fault and she has to get out of the mess.
You have tried everything. I would give her one last chance and then write her off.
Otherwise, she will continue to use you until she ends up dead etc.
Active addicts are as selfish as they come and they don't care what they do to people. They are all about themselves.
She might wake up one day and realize she holds the keys to her bonds. Nobody can free her, but herself.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are.
Thanks.
I am an expert in getting drunk. From that position I didn't care what anyone thought or said to me while I was drinking as long as I wasn't breaking any rules or laws.
I was, like your daughter, not a normal person while under active addiction.
You are correct in your assessment that your daughter may end up dead or in a sex slave situation etc.
You did your best. It is not your fault. It is her fault and she has to get out of the mess.
You have tried everything. I would give her one last chance and then write her off.
Otherwise, she will continue to use you until she ends up dead etc.
Active addicts are as selfish as they come and they don't care what they do to people. They are all about themselves.
She might wake up one day and realize she holds the keys to her bonds. Nobody can free her, but herself.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are.
Thanks.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
I'm sorry for your situation with your daughter. I do hope she decides to seek help for her addiction.
As I'm sure you know, there is little you can do. The main thing is for you to find support for yourself here at SR and you might check out AlAnon in your city.
As I'm sure you know, there is little you can do. The main thing is for you to find support for yourself here at SR and you might check out AlAnon in your city.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
I went through this with my son, at a point you have got to stop the madness in your life, you have to take care of yourself because you are the only one that can and you have a son that is your responsibility as a single parent. The alcoholic will work people for all there worth until they say no more. I commend you for your efforts but if you turned your efforts to your self and your other children you will be able to find serenity. I highly recommend Al Anon and
Al Ateen, I regret not getting involved with Al Anon years ago. I've been dealing with my son's addiction for fifteen years now, he's doing ten years and I'm raising my eight year old grandson dealing with his heartache of not seeing his dad since he was two years old. There's no clear cut answers and you will do what you need to do for the rest of your family.
Piece, Action
Al Ateen, I regret not getting involved with Al Anon years ago. I've been dealing with my son's addiction for fifteen years now, he's doing ten years and I'm raising my eight year old grandson dealing with his heartache of not seeing his dad since he was two years old. There's no clear cut answers and you will do what you need to do for the rest of your family.
Piece, Action
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Fishers, IN
Posts: 11
Thanking you all for responding!
Thank you to those who wrote back to me with words of hope, support, advice, suggestions etc.. you don’t know me and yet this is the first time I’ve felt understood and not judged.. THANK YOU.. please know that I read each of your stories and my heart aches for each of you. Thank you for sharing your worst experiences ... I will keep you all in my prayers and thoughts. I’m always here to talk with. I’m broken and new to this , but I’ve got a HUGE heart and all the time to listen if you need someone. Al-anon and Al-Ateen are my goals for this week to find and get plans to go. Bless you all.. xoxo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,914
Just wanted to send hugs and love. I can definitely hear your pain and understand why you feel it. I hope for your sake you can get support that will help you set and keep boundaries. You feel like it’s all in your shoulders and her life is in her hands but you could do everything under the sun right now (and kind of have) and it won’t change her choices. I hope it doesn’t sound like I think it would be easy to do that. I just hurt for you and your other kids and it seems like the only thing you can really do is set firm limits with her but stil love her like you do. Wishing you peace and strength.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 985
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel for you. I'm the alcoholic daughter in the scenario with my sweet, sacrificing mom who bailed me out so many times.
I'm sober now and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what I put my generous, loving mother through...I did not want to hurt one of the people that I love most in the world. But my addiction to alcohol was in control of my life; until I removed the booze from all of our lives, there was no possibility for the relationship to repair or even just be.
As an alcoholic, I'm sorry for what you are going through...I also recommend the thread for Friends and Family of Alcoholics on the SR site. I read the posts often to remind myself of how my drinking hurt others and myself.
I'm sober now and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what I put my generous, loving mother through...I did not want to hurt one of the people that I love most in the world. But my addiction to alcohol was in control of my life; until I removed the booze from all of our lives, there was no possibility for the relationship to repair or even just be.
As an alcoholic, I'm sorry for what you are going through...I also recommend the thread for Friends and Family of Alcoholics on the SR site. I read the posts often to remind myself of how my drinking hurt others and myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Fishers, IN
Posts: 11
Forgiveness
Originally Posted by listae 
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel for you. I'm the alcoholic daughter in the scenario with my sweet, sacrificing mom who bailed me out so many times.
I'm sober now and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what I put my generous, loving mother through...I did not want to hurt one of the people that I love most in the world. But my addiction to alcohol was in control of my life; until I removed the booze from all of our lives, there was no possibility for the relationship to repair or even just be.
As an alcoholic, I'm sorry for what you are going through...I also recommend the thread for Friends and Family of Alcoholics on the SR site. I read the posts often to remind myself of how my drinking hurt others and myself.
I'm sober now and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what I put my generous, loving mother through...I did not want to hurt one of the people that I love most in the world. But my addiction to alcohol was in control of my life; until I removed the booze from all of our lives, there was no possibility for the relationship to repair or even just be.
As an alcoholic, I'm sorry for what you are going through...I also recommend the thread for Friends and Family of Alcoholics on the SR site. I read the posts often to remind myself of how my drinking hurt others and myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,645
I'm someone's son, and I am also an alcoholic. I've hidden it and lied to my dad about the drinking. Heck, it was my go to move. Sadly, I was good about hiding being ****** up until you could see it in my face and my eyes; then I started looking at my eyes in the mirror in my car as I was driving to the liquor store when I woke up in the morning to stave off the shakes and the nausea and the self-loathing, and they were looking yellow.
As an alcoholic myself, I feel I am in somewhat of a unique position to say this: chances are a lot of your daughter's upsetting behavior isn't the underlying person, but the substance taking a hold of her. I'm truly sorry for what you are going through,
As an alcoholic myself, I feel I am in somewhat of a unique position to say this: chances are a lot of your daughter's upsetting behavior isn't the underlying person, but the substance taking a hold of her. I'm truly sorry for what you are going through,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
A terrible story to read. I have mixed feelings on the situation. You've clearly gone above and beyond, which I think all good parents want to do. She's clearly had a lot of chances to get her act together and it's not working. It sounds like a good stint in jail or prison to truly dry her out is in order.
Personally, what I think it comes down to now is your other 2 children. If you've done all you can, repeatedly, it may be time to write her off in order to protect the others, as well as have the means (financially and mentally) to care for them as needed.
Personally, what I think it comes down to now is your other 2 children. If you've done all you can, repeatedly, it may be time to write her off in order to protect the others, as well as have the means (financially and mentally) to care for them as needed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
HI
I am the mother of a 27 year old alcoholic daughter. Her issues also began in college. Been through 2 DUI's, 3 wrecked cars, jail, 3 - 30 day rehab stays, several detoxes, she lost the best job she has ever had and now is lucky if she works 20 hours a week. Oh and she was in an abusive relationship and we now have a granddaughter. So this past rehab stint 2 months ago we got to watch a 16 month old full time on top of all the crap our daughter put us through - oh and our regular lives.
I don't want you to give up on your daughter but you do need to STOP fixing everything for her. You must allow her to figure out the consequences of her actions on her own. You have other children who rely on you. You must start to take care of yourself. I know this is easier said than done.
As a side note, (and for me, this does not excuse my daughters behavior) but we found out recently she was sexually assaulted after a fraternity party during her sophomore year in college. Have you asked your daughter if she suffered any traumatic event in college?
I am the mother of a 27 year old alcoholic daughter. Her issues also began in college. Been through 2 DUI's, 3 wrecked cars, jail, 3 - 30 day rehab stays, several detoxes, she lost the best job she has ever had and now is lucky if she works 20 hours a week. Oh and she was in an abusive relationship and we now have a granddaughter. So this past rehab stint 2 months ago we got to watch a 16 month old full time on top of all the crap our daughter put us through - oh and our regular lives.
I don't want you to give up on your daughter but you do need to STOP fixing everything for her. You must allow her to figure out the consequences of her actions on her own. You have other children who rely on you. You must start to take care of yourself. I know this is easier said than done.
As a side note, (and for me, this does not excuse my daughters behavior) but we found out recently she was sexually assaulted after a fraternity party during her sophomore year in college. Have you asked your daughter if she suffered any traumatic event in college?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,914
Just came back to say I had the same question as Leana...i.e. there could have been some trauma that occurred to her before she changed so drastically. Not that she would necessarily talk to you about it but I did have that thought after I had already posted. I also echo others that you are under no obligation to let her live in your house and frankly that doesn’t sound like a great idea. Hope you are able to keep getting support here and in Friends & Family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
I have lost the same things as your daughter. My alcoholism didn't manifest itself until around age 30 (42 now) but when I lost numerous jobs I turned to my parents. I have been manipulating them for money to drink for years. Addiction is so powerful that good people will lie, cheat, and steal to feed that addiction no matter the consequences or who they hurt.
I am struggling still but I do keep trying. I have gone months at a time without drinking but the obsession is always lurking. I go to AA as much as possible as I find being around other sober alcoholics is the only thing that has been effective. Of course, I also check in here daily.
I am struggling still but I do keep trying. I have gone months at a time without drinking but the obsession is always lurking. I go to AA as much as possible as I find being around other sober alcoholics is the only thing that has been effective. Of course, I also check in here daily.
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