Accountability Thread
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
Accountability Thread
Hi All,
I have been looking at this section for quite some time. My husband and I liked to drink together a lot until I stopped. I have kids now and it does not have any place in my life. My husband still drinks and since I have quit the spotlight is on him. He is a great provider, intelligent, highly functioning alcoholic. I really want for nothing materially. Just like many of you on this section of this forum, I deal with him drinking.
When its day drinking (beer is his choice drink) I cringe because its unpredictable at night. He can get nasty verbally and it grates on me. I have said I will leave many times and I have for several nights-especially last year. I always come back and it drives me crazy. I sweep it under the rug until the next chaos arises.
He does not drink and drive, never been physically abusive to me or the kids or anyone for that matter, we don't have financial issues, live a comfortable life ect ect. There's just a major disconnect in our relationship when he drinks. I quit drinking and almost made it 3 years until I relapsed with him two weeks ago. The experience was sad afterwards and it only strengthened my resolve that I will not and do not want to go back to drinking. Maybe I did this to connect with him again? He said I was the most fun I had been with him in three years. That is not true! My life has totally turned for the better not drinking and Im going to AA now to prevent any future slips, I have a therapist I just started seeing ect.
I get so lost in my mind trying to tell myself that its ok and forget the times where Im in serious emotional pain over what he said or did. This last time was New years eve this January. Lets just say he got very annoying and rude and was so disrespectful. That is when I got my resolve up and said no more! I looked for a place to live and arrangements to be made, told him I was leaving but then a week went by then everything went back to normal. He promised he would be good, and things were ok. These past couple of days I see the issues arising again. He started his day drinking and the rest is walking on eggshells hoping that everything is ok and just try to wait it out until he goes to sleep.
This thread is my accountability thread. Its going to help me keep track of all these issues and incidents I face. Maybe I can create a timeline so these incidents are not forgotten and swept under the rug. I don't know what to do so I do nothing and just wait it out. I'm confused and embarrassed, only my close family knows about this, my friends have no idea. He always says its me that's crazy not him. Lots of Quackers he says and its so annoying. Anyway I just want to be accountable for what is going on in my life and stop saying Im going to leave him because with no action my threats look weak. If I leave then I leave that's it. Im not sure Im there yet. I appreciate all of you even though I have only introduced myself now, I have read many of your posts. Thank you for reading and I appreciate you being here.
Rose
I have been looking at this section for quite some time. My husband and I liked to drink together a lot until I stopped. I have kids now and it does not have any place in my life. My husband still drinks and since I have quit the spotlight is on him. He is a great provider, intelligent, highly functioning alcoholic. I really want for nothing materially. Just like many of you on this section of this forum, I deal with him drinking.
When its day drinking (beer is his choice drink) I cringe because its unpredictable at night. He can get nasty verbally and it grates on me. I have said I will leave many times and I have for several nights-especially last year. I always come back and it drives me crazy. I sweep it under the rug until the next chaos arises.
He does not drink and drive, never been physically abusive to me or the kids or anyone for that matter, we don't have financial issues, live a comfortable life ect ect. There's just a major disconnect in our relationship when he drinks. I quit drinking and almost made it 3 years until I relapsed with him two weeks ago. The experience was sad afterwards and it only strengthened my resolve that I will not and do not want to go back to drinking. Maybe I did this to connect with him again? He said I was the most fun I had been with him in three years. That is not true! My life has totally turned for the better not drinking and Im going to AA now to prevent any future slips, I have a therapist I just started seeing ect.
I get so lost in my mind trying to tell myself that its ok and forget the times where Im in serious emotional pain over what he said or did. This last time was New years eve this January. Lets just say he got very annoying and rude and was so disrespectful. That is when I got my resolve up and said no more! I looked for a place to live and arrangements to be made, told him I was leaving but then a week went by then everything went back to normal. He promised he would be good, and things were ok. These past couple of days I see the issues arising again. He started his day drinking and the rest is walking on eggshells hoping that everything is ok and just try to wait it out until he goes to sleep.
This thread is my accountability thread. Its going to help me keep track of all these issues and incidents I face. Maybe I can create a timeline so these incidents are not forgotten and swept under the rug. I don't know what to do so I do nothing and just wait it out. I'm confused and embarrassed, only my close family knows about this, my friends have no idea. He always says its me that's crazy not him. Lots of Quackers he says and its so annoying. Anyway I just want to be accountable for what is going on in my life and stop saying Im going to leave him because with no action my threats look weak. If I leave then I leave that's it. Im not sure Im there yet. I appreciate all of you even though I have only introduced myself now, I have read many of your posts. Thank you for reading and I appreciate you being here.
Rose
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi Rose,
AA is a great start. Al-Anon is for friends and family - you qualify for membership in this program, too, if you'd like to make use of it.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm really glad you're here.
One day at a time. Knowledge and awareness creates opportunities to make changes in our own lives.
https://www.al-anon.org/
Finding local meetings and making plans to go are big actions. So is being here and asking for support. We get it. We understand. As you start developing a stronger connection with your healthy gut instincts, things naturally change.
AA is a great start. Al-Anon is for friends and family - you qualify for membership in this program, too, if you'd like to make use of it.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm really glad you're here.
One day at a time. Knowledge and awareness creates opportunities to make changes in our own lives.
https://www.al-anon.org/
Finding local meetings and making plans to go are big actions. So is being here and asking for support. We get it. We understand. As you start developing a stronger connection with your healthy gut instincts, things naturally change.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Hi Rose,
I completely get it. I was in your shoes more times than I can count. I've been married 15 years and 12 of those years, I've been dealing with his drinking, recovery, relapse, over and over and over again. The reality is, that I never left because I truly wasn't ready. It's ok not to be ready. You'll know when you're ready. In fact, I'm still not even sure if I'm ready (I haven't quite left yet...but I did file for divorce). Do what you feel is right. You will know when you've reached your rock bottom in your relationship. I will say, however, that the people who finally found the courage to leave seem so much happier and at peace than I feel right now still in the relationship and still dealing with this. Big hugs to you!
I completely get it. I was in your shoes more times than I can count. I've been married 15 years and 12 of those years, I've been dealing with his drinking, recovery, relapse, over and over and over again. The reality is, that I never left because I truly wasn't ready. It's ok not to be ready. You'll know when you're ready. In fact, I'm still not even sure if I'm ready (I haven't quite left yet...but I did file for divorce). Do what you feel is right. You will know when you've reached your rock bottom in your relationship. I will say, however, that the people who finally found the courage to leave seem so much happier and at peace than I feel right now still in the relationship and still dealing with this. Big hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
Yes thank you ST. I am envious of the peace and freedom some posters here have. They finally had enough and most importantly had the courage to change the situation. Sometimes I tell myself it’s no use complaining about this situation unless I truly want to do something about it and change. I’m just going to keep posting so I can have a roadmap of where I have been and where I am going. I never really wrote down any of these incidents before so this serves as a good reminder.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Hi Rose. Well, it sounds like a very unhappy situation for sure. Do you still have young children at home?
From what you have stated it sounds as though you are financially able to leave (if you choose to do so).
So I guess the question I have is, why do you stay? You mention that the relationship isn't really a relationship anymore, he is verbally abusive to you (and to the children?) and you have to walk around on eggshells. So what does he bring to you and this family?
I think that question is as good a place to start as any perhaps?
Perhaps writing examples of some of the things he says to you is a good idea as well. If not here, than in a journal or just a list. What does he say, what does that do to you?
From what you have stated it sounds as though you are financially able to leave (if you choose to do so).
So I guess the question I have is, why do you stay? You mention that the relationship isn't really a relationship anymore, he is verbally abusive to you (and to the children?) and you have to walk around on eggshells. So what does he bring to you and this family?
I think that question is as good a place to start as any perhaps?
He can get nasty verbally and it grates on me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
Hi Rose, do you have the opportunity to go out and do things with friends/family? I found it helps me to build a life that doesn't involve my AH, something just for me. You sound like a strong person, so you need to trust that a breaking point will happen if nothing changes and you will carry through your plans to leave, you just aren't ready yet. Take care of yourself xx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 32
I kicked AH out a week ago now OP after a five year marriage where he managed 10 months sober. That 10 months is probably what kept me hoping, it was a good ten months. But like your H, mine would become verbally aggressive and I finally got fed up of letting him speak to me in the ways that he did. He also started with intimidating behaviour such a leaning over me when yelling and throwing things about.
I am not financially secure, pregnant with 5th child and pretty much alone as I have little in the way of friend and family support. Despite that, there was no way I was staying with him. I didn't want my daughters to see me set an example of staying with a man that treats you badly, whether it is caused by a 'disease' or not. I didn't want to walk on eggshells anymore or find myself believing the horrible things he said to me. My whole life for those five years was consumed by alcohol yet it wasn't me that had the addiction.
I hope you reach the stage where you realise you are worth more than this. That your life really doesn't have to be like this anymore.
One thing that occurred to me and this is what comes of being with an alcoholic, is wondering if you are staying because at the back of your mind, there is that addiction that you are not giving into, telling you that IF you do relapse or go back to active drinking, then at least it is fine to do so with your AH. He won't hold you accountable.
I am not financially secure, pregnant with 5th child and pretty much alone as I have little in the way of friend and family support. Despite that, there was no way I was staying with him. I didn't want my daughters to see me set an example of staying with a man that treats you badly, whether it is caused by a 'disease' or not. I didn't want to walk on eggshells anymore or find myself believing the horrible things he said to me. My whole life for those five years was consumed by alcohol yet it wasn't me that had the addiction.
I hope you reach the stage where you realise you are worth more than this. That your life really doesn't have to be like this anymore.
One thing that occurred to me and this is what comes of being with an alcoholic, is wondering if you are staying because at the back of your mind, there is that addiction that you are not giving into, telling you that IF you do relapse or go back to active drinking, then at least it is fine to do so with your AH. He won't hold you accountable.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sometimes I tell myself it’s no use complaining about this situation unless I truly want to do something about it and change. I’m just going to keep posting so I can have a roadmap of where I have been and where I am going.
If you do nothing then at least you know exactly what to expect from him when he is intoxicated, no surprises. If you chose to do something then do it in a healthy way for yourself, find an al-anon meeting, remove yourself as best as you can from the intoxicated situations. Go shopping, go visit a friend/family do anything other then what you’ve been doing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Dear Rose
I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Your story sounds very similar to mine. I stayed with my husband for 12 more years after I got sober. I left just over a year ago.
I wish I had kept notes they way you are doing. It might be easier to make sense of it all now. More than anything I wanted to keep my family together. We managed my husband's binges pretty well for a long time. We had boundaries. I learned how to set them through attending codependents anonymous. Eventually the drunkeness slipped in to his sober times. He was starting to drink at lunchtime every day. He was becoming abusive when he was sober then I started to think maybe he was drunk all the time. I really couldn't tell anymore.
I left very suddenly without a plan. I just snapped eventually and I knew I coudn't do it anymore. I had a difficult year, I got ill. I have left my husband in our house on our farm. I'm not well enough to work just now and I have lost everything I knew and everything that gave me my identity.
BUT I don't regret leaving. It was the only thing I could do. Maybe if I had left sooner I wouldn't be so exhausted and maybe I wouldn't have got so ill. But I will never know.
My husband was only getting worse and has continued to get worse. He found a new girlfriend pretty quickly. She likes to drink. He always said he would never stop drinking. At marriage counselling, not long before I left, he said he felt cheated. He didn't marry a sober person, he married someone he liked drinking with.
I have no words of wisdom for you just hope that my sharing will help you to see you are not alone. I have had no contact with my husband for over a month now. This has been really good for my relationship with my kids!!
In my case leaving was just the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life that I am still writing. I don't know how it will turn out yet.
big hugs to you
I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Your story sounds very similar to mine. I stayed with my husband for 12 more years after I got sober. I left just over a year ago.
I wish I had kept notes they way you are doing. It might be easier to make sense of it all now. More than anything I wanted to keep my family together. We managed my husband's binges pretty well for a long time. We had boundaries. I learned how to set them through attending codependents anonymous. Eventually the drunkeness slipped in to his sober times. He was starting to drink at lunchtime every day. He was becoming abusive when he was sober then I started to think maybe he was drunk all the time. I really couldn't tell anymore.
I left very suddenly without a plan. I just snapped eventually and I knew I coudn't do it anymore. I had a difficult year, I got ill. I have left my husband in our house on our farm. I'm not well enough to work just now and I have lost everything I knew and everything that gave me my identity.
BUT I don't regret leaving. It was the only thing I could do. Maybe if I had left sooner I wouldn't be so exhausted and maybe I wouldn't have got so ill. But I will never know.
My husband was only getting worse and has continued to get worse. He found a new girlfriend pretty quickly. She likes to drink. He always said he would never stop drinking. At marriage counselling, not long before I left, he said he felt cheated. He didn't marry a sober person, he married someone he liked drinking with.
I have no words of wisdom for you just hope that my sharing will help you to see you are not alone. I have had no contact with my husband for over a month now. This has been really good for my relationship with my kids!!
In my case leaving was just the beginning of a whole new chapter of my life that I am still writing. I don't know how it will turn out yet.
big hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Hi Rose I can somewhat relate.
You ou sound like you are somewhat isolated, and that is the worst feeling and especially if everyone thinks he is the greatest guy. I think this thread is a great idea. Take small steps of that's what you need to do. Start making a life, as much as you can, outside of being a wife and mom.
You ou sound like you are somewhat isolated, and that is the worst feeling and especially if everyone thinks he is the greatest guy. I think this thread is a great idea. Take small steps of that's what you need to do. Start making a life, as much as you can, outside of being a wife and mom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
Thank you so much for all your replies they mean the world to me. Of course things are just smooth sailing right now. No drama. It’s the way it always seems to happen like you get your mind made up it’s a big problem then it goes away enough to make you think like you were making things up. I know better. I guess I will just enjoy the moment now that things are even keel.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Rose7788 
Thank you so much for all your replies they mean the world to me. Of course things are just smooth sailing right now. No drama. It’s the way it always seems to happen like you get your mind made up it’s a big problem then it goes away enough to make you think like you were making things up. I know better. I guess I will just enjoy the moment now that things are even keel.
Do what you have to to right now and take it day by day. Many of us have done this and still do this. You will find a happy medium for you. I do hope however that you get "out" more
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,647
Yes, may as well enjoy the moment.
It's a hard life though, especially hard for children. I'm sure you've read all about adult children of alcoholics and what living in a household with one does to many of them. I hope perhaps they are in counselling or attend Al-Ateen?
Which is why this accountability thread is so important perhaps. Also listing things, like I mentioned above, is also a good way to remind yourself. Emotional abuse is very destructive, it chips away at your self-esteem, your self-worth, your boundaries - you can ignore it to some degree, but it's not going "nowhere". Many find after several years they are feeling so low that it's all but impossible to stand strong - and to take a break from the relationship if needed.
Do you attend Al-Anon or have any other support groups? I hope you keep posting in your thread here.
It's a hard life though, especially hard for children. I'm sure you've read all about adult children of alcoholics and what living in a household with one does to many of them. I hope perhaps they are in counselling or attend Al-Ateen?
It’s the way it always seems to happen like you get your mind made up it’s a big problem then it goes away enough to make you think like you were making things up. I know better.
Do you attend Al-Anon or have any other support groups? I hope you keep posting in your thread here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
I love your idea of this accountability thread. I used to try to track my AH and his incidents in a journal, but I haven't done that lately. I certainly understand what you are going through with not being ready to leave and feeling nothing ever truly changes. My AH is high functioning but not a good provider even though he consistently works, his priorities with money are to support his habit. I get upset with his disrespect and belligerent behavior and I have to ask him to apologize which he usually does but he never seems to get it. It doesn't matter if drunk, hung over, or sober, I can never guess when he will do something totally disrespectful. I always laugh when people day "happy wife, happy life". We all know alcoholics can't live up to that. Take your time deciding what is best for you and your family and know that it's a very difficult decision for all of us in the same situation. Keep posting and helping us all to stay accountable.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
After spending nearly a week alone with the kids while hubby out of town working he comes back. Dinner is always crazy with him and my two small kids. My 5 year old who just turned 5 last week was having a bit of a meltdown. My hubby is prim and proper (even when drunk or buzzed) at the dinner table. Apparently he was appalled by our behavior calling us all slobs-we weren’t even doing anything wrong. He looked to me and said I’m. It not raising them right just look how they are behaving etc etc.. I’m not sure how much he has had to drink but I got hurt. Did not argue because I’m learning you don’t argue with a drunk. I had some quiet tears fall and felt so dishonored due to me being with the kids and taking care of them all the time alone-then him putting down my parenting style. It makes me feel like I failed in some way. my kids are sweet and intelligent. Are all kids supposed to eat like they are dining with royalty every night? I just get so fed up. Again, these quiet little put downs where I can’t seem to measure them up against any big decisions. He took me aside after he saw me cry and just explained like 5x more what he was trying to do and why our kids don’t have manners. I hate how he has these one sided conversations with me and is a broken record on repeat..Hurt pretty bad him calling us slobs. I hate eating dinner with the kids when he’s around. Enough venting. This is my accountability thread.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
This is emotional abuse.
The alcoholic pointing fingers, blaming, shaming and hurting those closest. It sucks! It's wrong. It's not okay!
The very core of alcoholism causes anxieties and then often says the people around him or her are the problem.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
He is a great provider, intelligent, highly functioning alcoholic.
Hi Rose,
I've been there with this. It was very familiar. It can be simply a stage of alcoholism. It's a chronic, progressive disease. Recovery is possible, yet until we experience and see huge changes it's up to us to find our own sources of help.
Hi Rose,
I've been there with this. It was very familiar. It can be simply a stage of alcoholism. It's a chronic, progressive disease. Recovery is possible, yet until we experience and see huge changes it's up to us to find our own sources of help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 108
thank you mango! At least I’m not crazy. I just feel like it sometimes when these incidents happen. It’s not right. But worth leaving over? I dunno. I plague myself with the question all the time. Drive myself batty. Ugh.
I love your honest no BS reply. I needed that. Hugs
I love your honest no BS reply. I needed that. Hugs
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