DS - last night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 151
DS - last night
AW spent the day at the house with DD and DS (I was at work; DD is 18 y.o. and an "approved" supervisor).
Anyway, DS and I dropped AW off at an AA "pot luck" NYE gathering at a church and, then, DS and I went to buy fireworks and stuff to make s'mores.
At the grocery store, after buying the chocolate, I thought "ya know, some champagne would go nicely with this chocolate" so I turned down the liquor/wine aisle.
The second I did DS said "ugh. Drinking always drinking, Dad. Why??" Huh?? I rarely drink and haven't gotten legally drunk in several years. If I do drink alcohol, I stop at 2 drinks. Period. I may have to drive (got a 18 y.o.; or take the 4 y.o. to the hospital, etc.) I do, however, get a hankering for a glass of red wine, a good beer, or, yes, champagne on NYE.
But, it's clear to me that he's either seen AW drink or has cued into the fact that AW's absence from the house is due to drinking or, even, the arguments we've had about her drinking in the past -- probably all of the above (plus stuff I haven't even considered).
I said, "does it upset you"??
He said, "yeah. But it's fine."
I put the bottle of champagne back on the shelf.
I asked him "does that make you happier??"
He said "yes."
And we proceeded to the check out with our chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers.
MCE Saint
Anyway, DS and I dropped AW off at an AA "pot luck" NYE gathering at a church and, then, DS and I went to buy fireworks and stuff to make s'mores.
At the grocery store, after buying the chocolate, I thought "ya know, some champagne would go nicely with this chocolate" so I turned down the liquor/wine aisle.
The second I did DS said "ugh. Drinking always drinking, Dad. Why??" Huh?? I rarely drink and haven't gotten legally drunk in several years. If I do drink alcohol, I stop at 2 drinks. Period. I may have to drive (got a 18 y.o.; or take the 4 y.o. to the hospital, etc.) I do, however, get a hankering for a glass of red wine, a good beer, or, yes, champagne on NYE.
But, it's clear to me that he's either seen AW drink or has cued into the fact that AW's absence from the house is due to drinking or, even, the arguments we've had about her drinking in the past -- probably all of the above (plus stuff I haven't even considered).
I said, "does it upset you"??
He said, "yeah. But it's fine."
I put the bottle of champagne back on the shelf.
I asked him "does that make you happier??"
He said "yes."
And we proceeded to the check out with our chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers.
MCE Saint
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
His happiness matters to you and you showed this through actions. This seems like something way beyond the bottle of alcohol. It was an exchange of listening communication, of hearing your son and honoring the emotions he was having in that moment.
Validation of him, his feelings, his voice.
Validation of him, his feelings, his voice.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: OKC OK
Posts: 414
Oh I promise you, he's seen it, he knows way more than you think.
My heartbreak moment:
My DS is 10 and one night AH was acting like a raging psycho for no reason. (well he was drunk, I guess that was the reason) We were eating dinner. AH went into the bedroom and slammed the door after ranting like a crazy person and DS set his fork down and said "Soooooo I guess dad's been drinking from the blue bottle again?"
ME: ERRR?
DS: You know the one that's kinda like a triangle...when he drinks that he acts crazy and yells at you.
Trust me...he knows.
My heartbreak moment:
My DS is 10 and one night AH was acting like a raging psycho for no reason. (well he was drunk, I guess that was the reason) We were eating dinner. AH went into the bedroom and slammed the door after ranting like a crazy person and DS set his fork down and said "Soooooo I guess dad's been drinking from the blue bottle again?"
ME: ERRR?
DS: You know the one that's kinda like a triangle...when he drinks that he acts crazy and yells at you.
Trust me...he knows.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Yes we do and when I say "we" I mean children of alcoholics.
Any parent who doesn't know this is engaging in "magical thinking". I am sorry if that sounds harsh, it isn't meant to.
My Father was an alcoholic his whole life, he drank he raged he insulted he hit my Mother he hit me once. It was the whole alcoholic enchilada.
To top that off 3 of his brothers and sisters were alcoholics too (all except for one sister). So those early xmas and NY get-togethers were special.
The saving grace, in my case was that we moved overseas several times for several years so escaped the extended family dynamic (thankfully!).
All that said, we knew (we being me and my siblings) exactly what was going on we probably just didn't know why, early on. I didn't understand drinking at 3-4 probably, just knew that you had to be afraid when Dad arrived home because you never really knew "who" was arriving home. Was it the sober guy who was very aloof and rather grouchy most of the time or was it the man that would inevitably yell at my Mom for hours? No way to tell. Sometimes my Mom would send us all to our rooms if she knew (probably because he was arriving home late but this is pre-concept of time).
So yeah, we know, we may not know why, we may not know it's not normal because it is our normal but it's very destructive (short term and longer term).
Any parent who doesn't know this is engaging in "magical thinking". I am sorry if that sounds harsh, it isn't meant to.
My Father was an alcoholic his whole life, he drank he raged he insulted he hit my Mother he hit me once. It was the whole alcoholic enchilada.
To top that off 3 of his brothers and sisters were alcoholics too (all except for one sister). So those early xmas and NY get-togethers were special.
The saving grace, in my case was that we moved overseas several times for several years so escaped the extended family dynamic (thankfully!).
All that said, we knew (we being me and my siblings) exactly what was going on we probably just didn't know why, early on. I didn't understand drinking at 3-4 probably, just knew that you had to be afraid when Dad arrived home because you never really knew "who" was arriving home. Was it the sober guy who was very aloof and rather grouchy most of the time or was it the man that would inevitably yell at my Mom for hours? No way to tell. Sometimes my Mom would send us all to our rooms if she knew (probably because he was arriving home late but this is pre-concept of time).
So yeah, we know, we may not know why, we may not know it's not normal because it is our normal but it's very destructive (short term and longer term).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 29
I have had similiar experiences with my kids. I rarely drink now. Prior to my AH spiralling out of control I loved a cold beer on a Friday summer night. Then, I made the decision over a year ago I would never drink with him. But occasionally I would have one. I tried to explain to them that not everyone that has a drink is an alcoholic, but the power of what alcohol represents is enough for them. Havent drank in quite awhile and the Friday night urge left some time ago. Now a cherry coke is my celebration drink.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Driving in the car with my 11 year old granddaughter, Garth Brooks song “ “Unanswered Prayers” playing on the radio, when Bee turns to me and says,
“So, Asking God, to keep my auntie healthy and safe in my nighttime prayers is going to go unanswered?”
Next song, and I am out of words for the moment... I need to catch my breath...
“So, Asking God, to keep my auntie healthy and safe in my nighttime prayers is going to go unanswered?”
Next song, and I am out of words for the moment... I need to catch my breath...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
The saddest thing I've learned since participating here is how much children really do know about their parents' drinking. My own mother is an untreated ACoA, and although generally a sweet person, one of the most controlling human beings I have ever known. Her entire personality was formed due her survival skills learned growing up in an alcoholic home.
I'm glad you honored your son's discomfort. I hope you give both your kids a hug and enjoy this new year!!
I'm glad you honored your son's discomfort. I hope you give both your kids a hug and enjoy this new year!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
My kid is VERY aware of alcohol and doesn’t want it in our home. I had a bottle of sparkling wine in the fridge that a colleague had given me as a thank-you for helping with a project. Kid asked me if I was going to drink it all. I said realistically, probably not, it was probably just going to sit there going flat. Kid asked if she could get rid of it then. I said that was fine. Kid waited until I was home from work to show me that she was pouring it down the sink. I wondered if this was something she had fantasized about doing with her alcoholic father’s bottles and now could act out with me (the non-alcoholic) - she could “defeat” alcohol with me as a witness. All of which is to say that I think children of alcoholics have very complex relationship with the stuff.
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