Relapse After Two Years
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Relapse After Two Years
I am new again to the forum. I posted a few time years ago as I was going through a significantly difficult time with my alcoholic boyfriend. He decided to go to rehab and stayed sober for two years. Last week he started to drink again and I am sure I do not need to explain how difficult this has been. The personality changes, the lies, all of it is coming back and it is traumatic. He finally admitted it today. He came over to my house and admitted he started drinking and broke down. Told me he is so disappointed in himself blah blah. I believed him like a fool. I state a fool as he went silent tonight, again. He called and I could hear the alcohol in his voice. The words he used stung me to the core. He yelled at me and told me in one breath he wants to marry me (funny, right?) and then broke up with me. I don't think I can take the trauma and emotional roller coaster. I KNOW the right thing to do is to break up with him. I love him but just cannot go through this again. I have a significant autoimmune disease and the stress is making me ill and depressed. I am writing and crying as I know the answer is to say goodbye but it is so hard. Loving an addict is so painful. Any words of encouragement will be helpful. Thanks.
As painful as it is, you've got to cut him out of your life. 
I know it's hard and it takes time to fall out of love, but your life is worth the effort. Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
So sorry to hear this NJ2001. What support do you have if any? Do you have any friends or family that understand addiction? If not do you attend Al-Anon or have a therapist you can contact?
It might be a good time to circle the wagons and get as much support around you as possible.
First of all, be sure you are taking care of yourself, eat well, drink lots of water and try to get as much sleep as you need. It sounds obvious but when you are stressed these things can be very helpful.
Nothing has to be done right this minutel. Keep posting here and reaching out for any other support you can.
It might be a good time to circle the wagons and get as much support around you as possible.
First of all, be sure you are taking care of yourself, eat well, drink lots of water and try to get as much sleep as you need. It sounds obvious but when you are stressed these things can be very helpful.
Nothing has to be done right this minutel. Keep posting here and reaching out for any other support you can.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello NJ2001,
I am sorry you are hurting and feel betrayed. Every feeling you have is OK.
Do you have a therapist? If not Al Anon might be an inexpensive place to meet up with people who will truly be able to empathize.
I am sorry you are hurting and feel betrayed. Every feeling you have is OK.
Do you have a therapist? If not Al Anon might be an inexpensive place to meet up with people who will truly be able to empathize.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
NJ2001.....take care of yourself. You need support....support is sooo important, now.....
Would you accept support...?
For right now...we have an extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of addictions on the loved ones.....over 100 articles....enough for you to read and digest o ne every single day...lol....
I think you would get a lot of comfort from reading what others have gone through...just like you, right now.....
(this library is contained in the "stickies" just above the threads"....
I am giving you a link, for your convenience, to the articles.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Would you accept support...?
For right now...we have an extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of addictions on the loved ones.....over 100 articles....enough for you to read and digest o ne every single day...lol....
I think you would get a lot of comfort from reading what others have gone through...just like you, right now.....
(this library is contained in the "stickies" just above the threads"....
I am giving you a link, for your convenience, to the articles.....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
NJ, You are going to make it; I can say that because I have been exactly where you are. You are going to get through this. I know it hurts, I know that your eyes are swollen from crying and your stomach is sick and in knots. You are going to make it through this. Find support, whether through a therapist or a support group (I like this one and my domestic violence group that meets face to face-you would be surprised at how much alcohol is a topic there).
Making the decision to leave is hard and you get an emotional reaction to that choice; realize that you are choosing you first (for once) and it feels odd. And it’s hard to watch them bounce around on the rocks at that bottom place (I’m there right now) when they don’t see how far down they have fallen and what a sh*tstorm their life has become—and not still want to pick them up and help, because these are people we cared about and loved and we don’t always stop loving people one day, suddenly. I never wanted to hear that “time will help” but it is the truth. I realized only yesterday how much time has passed and I’m finally starting to rebuild my “after the A” life now. The first few months though? They sucked the big one. Still, I got through it. My life at nearly five months since he was removed from the home is much different than I had envisioned it in the early days after the event. I’m getting friendships back on track, getting settled where I live, and getting back on my feet at work.
Jersey, you are going to get through this and the hurt is going to lessen and then stop. You hang in there and stay strong, okay?
Making the decision to leave is hard and you get an emotional reaction to that choice; realize that you are choosing you first (for once) and it feels odd. And it’s hard to watch them bounce around on the rocks at that bottom place (I’m there right now) when they don’t see how far down they have fallen and what a sh*tstorm their life has become—and not still want to pick them up and help, because these are people we cared about and loved and we don’t always stop loving people one day, suddenly. I never wanted to hear that “time will help” but it is the truth. I realized only yesterday how much time has passed and I’m finally starting to rebuild my “after the A” life now. The first few months though? They sucked the big one. Still, I got through it. My life at nearly five months since he was removed from the home is much different than I had envisioned it in the early days after the event. I’m getting friendships back on track, getting settled where I live, and getting back on my feet at work.
Jersey, you are going to get through this and the hurt is going to lessen and then stop. You hang in there and stay strong, okay?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Possible relapse is the exact reason why I served my AH with divorce papers yesterday. He is in outpatient right now, going 4 times a week. If this man is to stay sober, he would need to stay in outpatient for the rest of his life. That is how bad my AH is into his alcoholism. I am tired. I am hurt. I am DONE!
I am sorry you are going through this NJ. It is incredibly painful. When you are ready, you will break away from him like I did my AH. We have absolutely no control over their drinking, even if they sober up and do the work, their lives can go from good to HELL in one drink. I have told my AH... This is my life too! This is my marriage too! An alcoholic's choices don't just affect them and their future, it will affect any and all persons involved in the alcoholic's life. It's too much for me to deal with.
I am sorry you are going through this NJ. It is incredibly painful. When you are ready, you will break away from him like I did my AH. We have absolutely no control over their drinking, even if they sober up and do the work, their lives can go from good to HELL in one drink. I have told my AH... This is my life too! This is my marriage too! An alcoholic's choices don't just affect them and their future, it will affect any and all persons involved in the alcoholic's life. It's too much for me to deal with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by trailmix 
So sorry to hear this NJ2001. What support do you have if any? Do you have any friends or family that understand addiction? If not do you attend Al-Anon or have a therapist you can contact?
It might be a good time to circle the wagons and get as much support around you as possible.
First of all, be sure you are taking care of yourself, eat well, drink lots of water and try to get as much sleep as you need. It sounds obvious but when you are stressed these things can be very helpful.
Nothing has to be done right this minutel. Keep posting here and reaching out for any other support you can.
It might be a good time to circle the wagons and get as much support around you as possible.
First of all, be sure you are taking care of yourself, eat well, drink lots of water and try to get as much sleep as you need. It sounds obvious but when you are stressed these things can be very helpful.
Nothing has to be done right this minutel. Keep posting here and reaching out for any other support you can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by CodeJob
Hello NJ2001,
I am sorry you are hurting and feel betrayed. Every feeling you have is OK.
Do you have a therapist? If not Al Anon might be an inexpensive place to meet up with people who will truly be able to empathize.
I am sorry you are hurting and feel betrayed. Every feeling you have is OK.
Do you have a therapist? If not Al Anon might be an inexpensive place to meet up with people who will truly be able to empathize.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Leelee168
NJ, You are going to make it; I can say that because I have been exactly where you are. You are going to get through this. I know it hurts, I know that your eyes are swollen from crying and your stomach is sick and in knots. You are going to make it through this. Find support, whether through a therapist or a support group (I like this one and my domestic violence group that meets face to face-you would be surprised at how much alcohol is a topic there).
Making the decision to leave is hard and you get an emotional reaction to that choice; realize that you are choosing you first (for once) and it feels odd. And it’s hard to watch them bounce around on the rocks at that bottom place (I’m there right now) when they don’t see how far down they have fallen and what a sh*tstorm their life has become—and not still want to pick them up and help, because these are people we cared about and loved and we don’t always stop loving people one day, suddenly. I never wanted to hear that “time will help” but it is the truth. I realized only yesterday how much time has passed and I’m finally starting to rebuild my “after the A” life now. The first few months though? They sucked the big one. Still, I got through it. My life at nearly five months since he was removed from the home is much different than I had envisioned it in the early days after the event. I’m getting friendships back on track, getting settled where I live, and getting back on my feet at work.
Jersey, you are going to get through this and the hurt is going to lessen and then stop. You hang in there and stay strong, okay?
Making the decision to leave is hard and you get an emotional reaction to that choice; realize that you are choosing you first (for once) and it feels odd. And it’s hard to watch them bounce around on the rocks at that bottom place (I’m there right now) when they don’t see how far down they have fallen and what a sh*tstorm their life has become—and not still want to pick them up and help, because these are people we cared about and loved and we don’t always stop loving people one day, suddenly. I never wanted to hear that “time will help” but it is the truth. I realized only yesterday how much time has passed and I’m finally starting to rebuild my “after the A” life now. The first few months though? They sucked the big one. Still, I got through it. My life at nearly five months since he was removed from the home is much different than I had envisioned it in the early days after the event. I’m getting friendships back on track, getting settled where I live, and getting back on my feet at work.
Jersey, you are going to get through this and the hurt is going to lessen and then stop. You hang in there and stay strong, okay?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
[QUOTE=dandylion;6985796]NJ2001.....take care of yourself. You need support....support is sooo important, now.....
Would you accept support...?
For right now...we have an extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of addictions on the loved ones.....over 100 articles....enough for you to read and digest o ne every single day...lol....
I think you would get a lot of comfort from reading what others have gone through...just like you, right now.....
(this library is contained in the "stickies" just above the threads"....
I am giving you a link, for your convenience, to the articles.....
[
Thank you . This will be so helpful.
Would you accept support...?
For right now...we have an extensive library of excellent articles on the effects of addictions on the loved ones.....over 100 articles....enough for you to read and digest o ne every single day...lol....
I think you would get a lot of comfort from reading what others have gone through...just like you, right now.....
(this library is contained in the "stickies" just above the threads"....
I am giving you a link, for your convenience, to the articles.....
[
Thank you . This will be so helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
Possible relapse is the exact reason why I served my AH with divorce papers yesterday. He is in outpatient right now, going 4 times a week. If this man is to stay sober, he would need to stay in outpatient for the rest of his life. That is how bad my AH is into his alcoholism. I am tired. I am hurt. I am DONE!
I am sorry you are going through this NJ. It is incredibly painful. When you are ready, you will break away from him like I did my AH. We have absolutely no control over their drinking, even if they sober up and do the work, their lives can go from good to HELL in one drink. I have told my AH... This is my life too! This is my marriage too! An alcoholic's choices don't just affect them and their future, it will affect any and all persons involved in the alcoholic's life. It's too much for me to deal with.
I am sorry you are going through this NJ. It is incredibly painful. When you are ready, you will break away from him like I did my AH. We have absolutely no control over their drinking, even if they sober up and do the work, their lives can go from good to HELL in one drink. I have told my AH... This is my life too! This is my marriage too! An alcoholic's choices don't just affect them and their future, it will affect any and all persons involved in the alcoholic's life. It's too much for me to deal with.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
NJ20001......here is that link...…
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
*****you can also find this library of articles in the "stickies"...located just above the threads....
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
*****you can also find this library of articles in the "stickies"...located just above the threads....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am glad you found your way back to SR but sorry for what has brought you here again. No, loving an A is not easy but when they are active it’s almost impossible. For further support maybe try and find some al-anon meetings in your area. The best tool we have at our de4sposal after a break up with an A is by going no contact, block him from contacting you and put lots of distance between you and him.
No new contact = no new hurt!!
No new contact = no new hurt!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry. It's so awful, but the reality is, even if he gets sober again, it will likely happen again. You would have to live with the reality that relapse could always be in your future.
Walk away, he has saved you a lifetime of hurt even if you don't feel like that now. Take good care of YOU.
Walk away, he has saved you a lifetime of hurt even if you don't feel like that now. Take good care of YOU.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
This is the time to listen to your gut and leave. Once an alcoholic picks up a drink the disease is in charge. What you're hearing is his disease with all its manipulation and rage. There is nothing you can say or do that will affect his drinking, it's time to save yourself. Big hug. My heart goes out to you.
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