Dodged a bullet... but why so sad?
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Dodged a bullet... but why so sad?
Dodged a bullet... but why so sad
#1 (permalink)
Today 11:48 AM by Equestrian83
I feel like I just stepped off a roller coaster ride I was not inline for...
I met a wonderful man and we started dating going on tons of adventures and super fun nights in. He seemed to have his life together a career, hobbies, and what great conversation. When he would visit after about three months I let him visit my home. He would offer to help me clean, he would cook beautiful meals, we would sit outside for hours talking by the fire. Around six months w
We started talking about our future and where we saw ourselves and we both agreed together and that in a year we might move in.
He is a nurse that works on the night ER shift. So he keeps strange hours and an intravert (intj) so he has wierd mannerisms in the first place when it comes to people and he does associate with many people. Honestly I was probably the only person he really talked to. He also lived at home with his parents at 38. So he said the pay off student loans after his divorce and a plan to go back to FNP school. He already held two BA degrees.
The story continues... the drinking I thought was alot for most people but it was never more then he seemed to be able to handle. He was always the same person whether drinking or not. Weird things did happen like when he would wake up he would immediately have a glass of wine and it was always wine. Which he told me was bc he worked opposite schedules then me so that was his normal time to drink. His parents loved me they would encourage us over dinner to go check out his storage unit to see there was anything I needed and I front of him. They would push about how much he enjoyed coming to see me and enjoyed where I lived in front of him. You could tell he would get irritated.
9 months came and we had booked a trip to CO for vacation. He payed for it all and was we were both super excited. About two weeks before we left poo hit the fan so to say... he contacted me at my daughter's recital that he was an alcoholic and that things were getting tough for him. He stopped for all of two weeks on his own and started right back. Well things only went down hill from there. I had no idea what having an addiction was like. I started seeing all the lies and webs and how deep this really went. I tried to help which eventually lead to his anger which I had never seen before. He told me that he wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. I seemed to be getting in the way of that. We went on our trip and I was nervous the whole time but it was still very enjoyable.
WelI started feeling him pull away and revert into his self. I tried to help which made it worse. I asked if our relationship was still something he wanted and he said yes but actions were not matching words. I pushed one night got blamed for everything and "grounded" for exactly 24 hours. He would not talk to me respond to me. I called and told him punishment is not how we treat adults and I wanted no part of a relationship that was like that. Next at exactly 24hrs on the dot he texted me to say he had a life where he was abd he want finished with it and that the distance 1:30 he drive was killing him.
A week later he came to get his stuff after I told him he just couldn't leave it here. It hurt to see it. He came after a long excuses about extra shifts and no one at work and so on. He couldn't even look at me could nearly talk and I was right there. I asked if he wanted help getting in the car. It was alot! He slowly closed the car and did walk over to me . I told him it couldn't be this hard. He hugged me right kissed my cheek and he smelled the stro gest of alchohol I have ever smelled.
My heart drove off when he did. I just dont understand how it was all a lie! I feel crazy and somehow it was all my fault. I just wanted to help him and I loved him I really was a future but I'm not sure what is real and what is not. 😭😢😭💔
Advice is very welcome ... I'm not sure If I am coming or going.
Also soooo much more then I can type.
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Mobile Chat (80)
#1 (permalink)
Today 11:48 AM by Equestrian83
I feel like I just stepped off a roller coaster ride I was not inline for...
I met a wonderful man and we started dating going on tons of adventures and super fun nights in. He seemed to have his life together a career, hobbies, and what great conversation. When he would visit after about three months I let him visit my home. He would offer to help me clean, he would cook beautiful meals, we would sit outside for hours talking by the fire. Around six months w
We started talking about our future and where we saw ourselves and we both agreed together and that in a year we might move in.
He is a nurse that works on the night ER shift. So he keeps strange hours and an intravert (intj) so he has wierd mannerisms in the first place when it comes to people and he does associate with many people. Honestly I was probably the only person he really talked to. He also lived at home with his parents at 38. So he said the pay off student loans after his divorce and a plan to go back to FNP school. He already held two BA degrees.
The story continues... the drinking I thought was alot for most people but it was never more then he seemed to be able to handle. He was always the same person whether drinking or not. Weird things did happen like when he would wake up he would immediately have a glass of wine and it was always wine. Which he told me was bc he worked opposite schedules then me so that was his normal time to drink. His parents loved me they would encourage us over dinner to go check out his storage unit to see there was anything I needed and I front of him. They would push about how much he enjoyed coming to see me and enjoyed where I lived in front of him. You could tell he would get irritated.
9 months came and we had booked a trip to CO for vacation. He payed for it all and was we were both super excited. About two weeks before we left poo hit the fan so to say... he contacted me at my daughter's recital that he was an alcoholic and that things were getting tough for him. He stopped for all of two weeks on his own and started right back. Well things only went down hill from there. I had no idea what having an addiction was like. I started seeing all the lies and webs and how deep this really went. I tried to help which eventually lead to his anger which I had never seen before. He told me that he wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. I seemed to be getting in the way of that. We went on our trip and I was nervous the whole time but it was still very enjoyable.
WelI started feeling him pull away and revert into his self. I tried to help which made it worse. I asked if our relationship was still something he wanted and he said yes but actions were not matching words. I pushed one night got blamed for everything and "grounded" for exactly 24 hours. He would not talk to me respond to me. I called and told him punishment is not how we treat adults and I wanted no part of a relationship that was like that. Next at exactly 24hrs on the dot he texted me to say he had a life where he was abd he want finished with it and that the distance 1:30 he drive was killing him.
A week later he came to get his stuff after I told him he just couldn't leave it here. It hurt to see it. He came after a long excuses about extra shifts and no one at work and so on. He couldn't even look at me could nearly talk and I was right there. I asked if he wanted help getting in the car. It was alot! He slowly closed the car and did walk over to me . I told him it couldn't be this hard. He hugged me right kissed my cheek and he smelled the stro gest of alchohol I have ever smelled.
My heart drove off when he did. I just dont understand how it was all a lie! I feel crazy and somehow it was all my fault. I just wanted to help him and I loved him I really was a future but I'm not sure what is real and what is not. 😭😢😭💔
Advice is very welcome ... I'm not sure If I am coming or going.
Also soooo much more then I can type.
Edit Reply
Alcoholism
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« Previous Thread | Next Thread »
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This is a great resource for alcohol detox information.
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Mobile Chat (80)
Last edited by Equestrian83; 07-30-2018 at 04:59 AM. Reason: Extra text
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
I agree with Schne: you dodged a bullet and you should be thankful.
His parents were encouraging the two of you with the storage unit stuff because they want him out. Life with an active A is tough and, even though they are his parents, they probably can’t take it and know how hard it is to get him on his own.
You’re an empath who wanted to help him and to fix him and you couldn’t—because he is an A and can only be helped when he decides he will get help. Yes, this hurts. And you did absolutely nothing to cause the situation so please do not accept blame.
Read the documents stored, read the threads and the stories: that could have been you. You could have lived through what I did. Be so very thankful that you didn’t.
His parents were encouraging the two of you with the storage unit stuff because they want him out. Life with an active A is tough and, even though they are his parents, they probably can’t take it and know how hard it is to get him on his own.
You’re an empath who wanted to help him and to fix him and you couldn’t—because he is an A and can only be helped when he decides he will get help. Yes, this hurts. And you did absolutely nothing to cause the situation so please do not accept blame.
Read the documents stored, read the threads and the stories: that could have been you. You could have lived through what I did. Be so very thankful that you didn’t.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Schne 
Thank you for sharing your story.
Yes, you did dodge a bullet.
This site has a lot of good reference material and support. Sorry you are feeling this way, but you definitely dodged a bullet.
Yes, you did dodge a bullet.
This site has a lot of good reference material and support. Sorry you are feeling this way, but you definitely dodged a bullet.
And let go 😢
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Leelee168
I agree with Schne: you dodged a bullet and you should be thankful.
His parents were encouraging the two of you with the storage unit stuff because they want him out. Life with an active A is tough and, even though they are his parents, they probably can’t take it and know how hard it is to get him on his own.
You’re an empath who wanted to help him and to fix him and you couldn’t—because he is an A and can only be helped when he decides he will get help. Yes, this hurts. And you did absolutely nothing to cause the situation so please do not accept blame.
Read the documents stored, read the threads and the stories: that could have been you. You could have lived through what I did. Be so very thankful that you didn’t.
His parents were encouraging the two of you with the storage unit stuff because they want him out. Life with an active A is tough and, even though they are his parents, they probably can’t take it and know how hard it is to get him on his own.
You’re an empath who wanted to help him and to fix him and you couldn’t—because he is an A and can only be helped when he decides he will get help. Yes, this hurts. And you did absolutely nothing to cause the situation so please do not accept blame.
Read the documents stored, read the threads and the stories: that could have been you. You could have lived through what I did. Be so very thankful that you didn’t.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by Schne
Thank you for sharing your story.
Yes, you did dodge a bullet.
This site has a lot of good reference material and support. Sorry you are feeling this way, but you definitely dodged a bullet.
Yes, you did dodge a bullet.
This site has a lot of good reference material and support. Sorry you are feeling this way, but you definitely dodged a bullet.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Equestrian......you ask what was "real or not".....I think the important thing to recognize, is, that your feelings were and are real....
You attached/bonded with someone who just doesn't have it together enough to be relationship material....for whatever his basket of reasons are....and, for Pete's sake---do not spin your wheels by trying to "figure him out"...as it will drive you Krazy and you will never get anywhere....
Dating is to allow yourself time and opportunity to figure out who m ight be a good partner...or not.....
You got your answer...this is not the one for you...in less than a year.....in many respects, you are lucky that it did not take longer.....
You invested a lot of yourself into this relationship.....so, naturally, you are going to go through a period of grief.....this is normal, anytime anyone experiences a significant loss.....
Allow yourself time to grieve and heal....consider this as a learning experience, and go forward with your life....
You attached/bonded with someone who just doesn't have it together enough to be relationship material....for whatever his basket of reasons are....and, for Pete's sake---do not spin your wheels by trying to "figure him out"...as it will drive you Krazy and you will never get anywhere....
Dating is to allow yourself time and opportunity to figure out who m ight be a good partner...or not.....
You got your answer...this is not the one for you...in less than a year.....in many respects, you are lucky that it did not take longer.....
You invested a lot of yourself into this relationship.....so, naturally, you are going to go through a period of grief.....this is normal, anytime anyone experiences a significant loss.....
Allow yourself time to grieve and heal....consider this as a learning experience, and go forward with your life....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Equestrian.....I am dedicating the following song to you....
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...e79bba0e1e6a98
https://www.bing.com/search?q=youtub...e79bba0e1e6a98
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Thread Starter
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Posts: 56
Originally Posted by dandylion
Equestrian......you ask what was "real or not".....I think the important thing to recognize, is, that your feelings were and are real....
You attached/bonded with someone who just doesn't have it together enough to be relationship material....for whatever his basket of reasons are....and, for Pete's sake---do not spin your wheels by trying to "figure him out"...as it will drive you Krazy and you will never get anywhere....
Dating is to allow yourself time and opportunity to figure out who m ight be a good partner...or not.....
You got your answer...this is not the one for you...in less than a year.....in many respects, you are lucky that it did not take longer.....
You invested a lot of yourself into this relationship.....so, naturally, you are going to go through a period of grief.....this is normal, anytime anyone experiences a significant loss.....
Allow yourself time to grieve and heal....consider this as a learning experience, and go forward with your life....
You attached/bonded with someone who just doesn't have it together enough to be relationship material....for whatever his basket of reasons are....and, for Pete's sake---do not spin your wheels by trying to "figure him out"...as it will drive you Krazy and you will never get anywhere....
Dating is to allow yourself time and opportunity to figure out who m ight be a good partner...or not.....
You got your answer...this is not the one for you...in less than a year.....in many respects, you are lucky that it did not take longer.....
You invested a lot of yourself into this relationship.....so, naturally, you are going to go through a period of grief.....this is normal, anytime anyone experiences a significant loss.....
Allow yourself time to grieve and heal....consider this as a learning experience, and go forward with your life....
My brain knows that but my heart (ENFP) is still catching up.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
You dodged a bullet. He showed his best side of you - and you did notice tiny pink or red flags- takes a while to get to know someone. It sounds like he was a wonderful person in so many other ways- BUT alcoholism will keep you on a merrygoround. You may want to go to Alanon- just to hear what would have been ahead for you. It's not pretty. This was just the tip of the iceberg.Takes courage to end things!
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Originally Posted by qtpi
You dodged a bullet. He showed his best side of you - and you did notice tiny pink or red flags- takes a while to get to know someone. It sounds like he was a wonderful person in so many other ways- BUT alcoholism will keep you on a merrygoround. You may want to go to Alanon- just to hear what would have been ahead for you. It's not pretty. This was just the tip of the iceberg.Takes courage to end things!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by Equestrian83
Thank you... the shock is wearing off and I can see clearer each day. I am also in therapy to help with being mad at myself for this.
I think it's great that you are seeking therapy to help you work through it.
I can understand your anger at yourself - you are probably asking why you did this to yourself! Well you know, from your description he sounds like initially he was a pretty nice guy!
People show us what they want us to see initially and probably especially when there are big problems (like addiction).
Now you know. You know that having a glass of wine for breakfast isn't a good sign, but when you enter their world of alcoholism, even though in hindsight it probably seems totally wacky, the wacky becomes the norm. Someone calmly tells you that they drink wine with their cereal because they work night shift. Ok. It probably sounds believable because they either actually believe it too or they have justified it so many times in their head it just rolls off their tongue.
We went on our trip and I was nervous the whole time but it was still very enjoyable.
That's pretty telling really. If you had stayed with him it would be more of this, more of the same. You get to walk on eggshells because you don't want him to get angry with your talk of help or don't want to freak him out with talk of your future or don't want to say anything when you are at the swim up bar and he has to have a flotation device to keep him upright at the bar!
I think another huge red flag is appearing normal most of the time despite drinking what for non-alcoholics would be a lot of alcohol. I wouldn't expect someone having a glass of wine with dinner to show any change, more than that - people start to get tipsy. If they aren't that shows a tolerance to alcohol that could indicate a problem.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by trailmix
Equestrian, I'm really sorry you got hurt in all of this.
I think it's great that you are seeking therapy to help you work through it.
I can understand your anger at yourself - you are probably asking why you did this to yourself! Well you know, from your description he sounds like initially he was a pretty nice guy!
People show us what they want us to see initially and probably especially when there are big problems (like addiction).
Now you know. You know that having a glass of wine for breakfast isn't a good sign, but when you enter their world of alcoholism, even though in hindsight it probably seems totally wacky, the wacky becomes the norm. Someone calmly tells you that they drink wine with their cereal because they work night shift. Ok. It probably sounds believable because they either actually believe it too or they have justified it so many times in their head it just rolls off their tongue.
I think realistically, when you look back on this trip that you will find it wasn't so enjoyable. How could it be when you were nervous the whole time.
That's pretty telling really. If you had stayed with him it would be more of this, more of the same. You get to walk on eggshells because you don't want him to get angry with your talk of help or don't want to freak him out with talk of your future or don't want to say anything when you are at the swim up bar and he has to have a flotation device to keep him upright at the bar!
I think another huge red flag is appearing normal most of the time despite drinking what for non-alcoholics would be a lot of alcohol. I wouldn't expect someone having a glass of wine with dinner to show any change, more than that - people start to get tipsy. If they aren't that shows a tolerance to alcohol that could indicate a problem.
I think it's great that you are seeking therapy to help you work through it.
I can understand your anger at yourself - you are probably asking why you did this to yourself! Well you know, from your description he sounds like initially he was a pretty nice guy!
People show us what they want us to see initially and probably especially when there are big problems (like addiction).
Now you know. You know that having a glass of wine for breakfast isn't a good sign, but when you enter their world of alcoholism, even though in hindsight it probably seems totally wacky, the wacky becomes the norm. Someone calmly tells you that they drink wine with their cereal because they work night shift. Ok. It probably sounds believable because they either actually believe it too or they have justified it so many times in their head it just rolls off their tongue.
I think realistically, when you look back on this trip that you will find it wasn't so enjoyable. How could it be when you were nervous the whole time.
That's pretty telling really. If you had stayed with him it would be more of this, more of the same. You get to walk on eggshells because you don't want him to get angry with your talk of help or don't want to freak him out with talk of your future or don't want to say anything when you are at the swim up bar and he has to have a flotation device to keep him upright at the bar!
I think another huge red flag is appearing normal most of the time despite drinking what for non-alcoholics would be a lot of alcohol. I wouldn't expect someone having a glass of wine with dinner to show any change, more than that - people start to get tipsy. If they aren't that shows a tolerance to alcohol that could indicate a problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by trailmix
Equestrian, I'm really sorry you got hurt in all of this.
I think it's great that you are seeking therapy to help you work through it.
I can understand your anger at yourself - you are probably asking why you did this to yourself! Well you know, from your description he sounds like initially he was a pretty nice guy!
People show us what they want us to see initially and probably especially when there are big problems (like addiction).
Now you know. You know that having a glass of wine for breakfast isn't a good sign, but when you enter their world of alcoholism, even though in hindsight it probably seems totally wacky, the wacky becomes the norm. Someone calmly tells you that they drink wine with their cereal because they work night shift. Ok. It probably sounds believable because they either actually believe it too or they have justified it so many times in their head it just rolls off their tongue.
I think realistically, when you look back on this trip that you will find it wasn't so enjoyable. How could it be when you were nervous the whole time.
That's pretty telling really. If you had stayed with him it would be more of this, more of the same. You get to walk on eggshells because you don't want him to get angry with your talk of help or don't want to freak him out with talk of your future or don't want to say anything when you are at the swim up bar and he has to have a flotation device to keep him upright at the bar!
I think another huge red flag is appearing normal most of the time despite drinking what for non-alcoholics would be a lot of alcohol. I wouldn't expect someone having a glass of wine with dinner to show any change, more than that - people start to get tipsy. If they aren't that shows a tolerance to alcohol that could indicate a problem.
I think it's great that you are seeking therapy to help you work through it.
I can understand your anger at yourself - you are probably asking why you did this to yourself! Well you know, from your description he sounds like initially he was a pretty nice guy!
People show us what they want us to see initially and probably especially when there are big problems (like addiction).
Now you know. You know that having a glass of wine for breakfast isn't a good sign, but when you enter their world of alcoholism, even though in hindsight it probably seems totally wacky, the wacky becomes the norm. Someone calmly tells you that they drink wine with their cereal because they work night shift. Ok. It probably sounds believable because they either actually believe it too or they have justified it so many times in their head it just rolls off their tongue.
I think realistically, when you look back on this trip that you will find it wasn't so enjoyable. How could it be when you were nervous the whole time.
That's pretty telling really. If you had stayed with him it would be more of this, more of the same. You get to walk on eggshells because you don't want him to get angry with your talk of help or don't want to freak him out with talk of your future or don't want to say anything when you are at the swim up bar and he has to have a flotation device to keep him upright at the bar!
I think another huge red flag is appearing normal most of the time despite drinking what for non-alcoholics would be a lot of alcohol. I wouldn't expect someone having a glass of wine with dinner to show any change, more than that - people start to get tipsy. If they aren't that shows a tolerance to alcohol that could indicate a problem.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
What has gone on with your relationship was very real. And yes, you dodged a bullet. How could you have known at first he had so many problems? We don't often see the problems right away because naturally people put their best foot forward. Unless we are with them 24/7 we just don't get the whole picture. Be extra extra good to yourself ; find something nice to do for yourself every day, even if it doesn't seem like a whole heck of lot.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
I'm so sorry. It may help to think of it this way: he's in no shape to be a partner to you. That doesn't mean he didn't love you at all. It means he loved you the best that he could manage at the time.
Yep, red flags everywhere: 38 and living with his folks, and not a good relationship there. Wine for breakfast...
It's scary that he's an ER nurse. There are lives are in an addict's hands.
Yep, red flags everywhere: 38 and living with his folks, and not a good relationship there. Wine for breakfast...
It's scary that he's an ER nurse. There are lives are in an addict's hands.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
What has gone on with your relationship was very real. And yes, you dodged a bullet. How could you have known at first he had so many problems? We don't often see the problems right away because naturally people put their best foot forward. Unless we are with them 24/7 we just don't get the whole picture. Be extra extra good to yourself ; find something nice to do for yourself every day, even if it doesn't seem like a whole heck of lot.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by velma929
I'm so sorry. It may help to think of it this way: he's in no shape to be a partner to you. That doesn't mean he didn't love you at all. It means he loved you the best that he could manage at the time.
Yep, red flags everywhere: 38 and living with his folks, and not a good relationship there. Wine for breakfast...
It's scary that he's an ER nurse. There are lives are in an addict's hands.
Yep, red flags everywhere: 38 and living with his folks, and not a good relationship there. Wine for breakfast...
It's scary that he's an ER nurse. There are lives are in an addict's hands.
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