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Dodged a bullet... but why so sad?

Old 07-30-2018, 04:48 AM
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Dodged a bullet... but why so sad?

I feel like I just stepped off a roller coaster ride I was not inline for...

I met a wonderful man and we started dating going on tons of adventures and super fun nights in. He seemed to have his life together a career, hobbies, and what great conversation. When he would visit after about three months I let him visit my home. He would offer to help me clean, he would cook beautiful meals, we would sit outside for hours talking by the fire. Around six months w
We started talking about our future and where we saw ourselves and we both agreed together and that in a year we might move in.
He is a nurse that works on the night ER shift. So he keeps strange hours and an intravert (intj) so he has wierd mannerisms in the first place when it comes to people and he does associate with many people. Honestly I was probably the only person he really talked to. He also lived at home with his parents at 38. So he said the pay off student loans after his divorce and a plan to go back to FNP school. He already held two BA degrees.
The story continues... the drinking I thought was alot for most people but it was never more then he seemed to be able to handle. He was always the same person whether drinking or not. Weird things did happen like when he would wake up he would immediately have a glass of wine and it was always wine. Which he told me was bc he worked opposite schedules then me so that was his normal time to drink. His parents loved me they would encourage us over dinner to go check out his storage unit to see there was anything I needed and I front of him. They would push about how much he enjoyed coming to see me and enjoyed where I lived in front of him. You could tell he would get irritated.

9 months came and we had booked a trip to CO for vacation. He payed for it all and was we were both super excited. About two weeks before we left poo hit the fan so to say... he contacted me at my daughter's recital that he was an alcoholic and that things were getting tough for him. He stopped for all of two weeks on his own and started right back. Well things only went down hill from there. I had no idea what having an addiction was like. I started seeing all the lies and webs and how deep this really went. I tried to help which eventually lead to his anger which I had never seen before. He told me that he wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. I seemed to be getting in the way of that. We went on our trip and I was nervous the whole time but it was still very enjoyable.
WelI started feeling him pull away and revert into his self. I tried to help which made it worse. I asked if our relationship was still something he wanted and he said yes but actions were not matching words. I pushed one night got blamed for everything and "grounded" for exactly 24 hours. He would not talk to me respond to me. I called and told him punishment is not how we treat adults and I wanted no part of a relationship that was like that. Next at exactly 24hrs on the dot he texted me to say he had a life where he was abd he want finished with it and that the distance 1:30 he drive was killing him.

A week later he came to get his stuff after I told him he just couldn't leave it here. It hurt to see it. He came after a long excuses about extra shifts and no one at work and so on. He couldn't even look at me could nearly talk and I was right there. I asked if he wanted help getting in the car. It was alot! He slowly closed the car and did walk over to me . I told him it couldn't be this hard. He hugged me right kissed my cheek and he smelled the stro gest of alchohol I have ever smelled.

My heart drove off when he did. I just dont understand how it was all a lie! I feel crazy and somehow it was all my fault. I just wanted to help him and I loved him I really was a future but I'm not sure what is real and what is not. 😭😢😭💔
Advice is very welcome ... I'm not sure If I am coming or going.
Also soooo much more then I can type.
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Old 07-30-2018, 05:01 AM
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welcome. there seems to be something common with a lot of us:
we started dating
we dont seem to understand what dating is:
A form of romantic courtship typically between two individuals with the aim of assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The result of dating may at any time lead to friendship, any level of intimate relationship, marriage, or no relation.

its dating- not committing.


you didnt do anything to cause his crap- he made his own bed.

theres a high probability that My heart drove off because of We started talking about our future and where we saw ourselves and we both agreed . high probability the feelings were based on a dream you had.

alcoholics are known to be a wee bit of liars,ESPECIALLY entering a new relationship. dont wanna let the real us out until we know if we have a hostage or not.

youre gonna get a LOT of great advise here. one thing MAJOR:
do NOT take responsibility for HIS crap. that is ALL on him.
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Old 07-30-2018, 06:08 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
welcome. there seems to be something common with a lot of us:
we started dating
we dont seem to understand what dating is:
A form of romantic courtship typically between two individuals with the aim of assessing the other's suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The result of dating may at any time lead to friendship, any level of intimate relationship, marriage, or no relation.

its dating- not committing.


you didnt do anything to cause his crap- he made his own bed.

theres a high probability that My heart drove off because of We started talking about our future and where we saw ourselves and we both agreed . high probability the feelings were based on a dream you had.

alcoholics are known to be a wee bit of liars,ESPECIALLY entering a new relationship. dont wanna let the real us out until we know if we have a hostage or not.

youre gonna get a LOT of great advise here. one thing MAJOR:
do NOT take responsibility for HIS crap. that is ALL on him.
Thank you... I do feel like it was what I wanted but really all a lie. And it stinks for lack of a better word lol!
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Old 07-30-2018, 06:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Equestrian83 View Post
I feel like I just stepped off a roller coaster ride I was not inline for...

I met a wonderful man and we started dating going on tons of adventures and super fun nights in. He seemed to have his life together a career, hobbies, and what great conversation. When he would visit after about three months I let him visit my home. He would offer to help me clean, he would cook beautiful meals, we would sit outside for hours talking by the fire. Around six months w
We started talking about our future and where we saw ourselves and we both agreed together and that in a year we might move in.
He is a nurse that works on the night ER shift. So he keeps strange hours and an intravert (intj) so he has wierd mannerisms in the first place when it comes to people and he does associate with many people. Honestly I was probably the only person he really talked to. He also lived at home with his parents at 38. So he said the pay off student loans after his divorce and a plan to go back to FNP school. He already held two BA degrees.
The story continues... the drinking I thought was alot for most people but it was never more then he seemed to be able to handle. He was always the same person whether drinking or not. Weird things did happen like when he would wake up he would immediately have a glass of wine and it was always wine. Which he told me was bc he worked opposite schedules then me so that was his normal time to drink. His parents loved me they would encourage us over dinner to go check out his storage unit to see there was anything I needed and I front of him. They would push about how much he enjoyed coming to see me and enjoyed where I lived in front of him. You could tell he would get irritated.

9 months came and we had booked a trip to CO for vacation. He payed for it all and was we were both super excited. About two weeks before we left poo hit the fan so to say... he contacted me at my daughter's recital that he was an alcoholic and that things were getting tough for him. He stopped for all of two weeks on his own and started right back. Well things only went down hill from there. I had no idea what having an addiction was like. I started seeing all the lies and webs and how deep this really went. I tried to help which eventually lead to his anger which I had never seen before. He told me that he wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. I seemed to be getting in the way of that. We went on our trip and I was nervous the whole time but it was still very enjoyable.
WelI started feeling him pull away and revert into his self. I tried to help which made it worse. I asked if our relationship was still something he wanted and he said yes but actions were not matching words. I pushed one night got blamed for everything and "grounded" for exactly 24 hours. He would not talk to me respond to me. I called and told him punishment is not how we treat adults and I wanted no part of a relationship that was like that. Next at exactly 24hrs on the dot he texted me to say he had a life where he was abd he want finished with it and that the distance 1:30 he drive was killing him.

A week later he came to get his stuff after I told him he just couldn't leave it here. It hurt to see it. He came after a long excuses about extra shifts and no one at work and so on. He couldn't even look at me could nearly talk and I was right there. I asked if he wanted help getting in the car. It was alot! He slowly closed the car and did walk over to me . I told him it couldn't be this hard. He hugged me right kissed my cheek and he smelled the stro gest of alchohol I have ever smelled.

My heart drove off when he did. I just dont understand how it was all a lie! I feel crazy and somehow it was all my fault. I just wanted to help him and I loved him I really was a future but I'm not sure what is real and what is not. 😭😢😭💔
Advice is very welcome ... I'm not sure If I am coming or going.
Also soooo much more then I can type.
That's generally the story right there. Never easy to end a relationship which is why you are sad.

But I certainly agree you dodged a bullet.
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Old 07-30-2018, 02:38 PM
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It is very hard to keep up a fascade when dating. 6 months or so the veneer comes off. That is why I have learned to keep a sharp eye for actions matching words when dating someone new.

I do not doubt he enjoyed your company and cared for you, but his first love is alcohol. As he said he wants to do what he wants to do (drink) when he wants to do it. Alcoholics are very selfish that way. The drug comes first in our lives.

He is a mess and yes, it hurts, but you cannot help him You cannot love him sober.
Keep looking and thank God for giving you discernment here as you were blessed to get away.
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Old 07-30-2018, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by HTown View Post
It is very hard to keep up a fascade when dating. 6 months or so the veneer comes off. That is why I have learned to keep a sharp eye for actions matching words when dating someone new.

I do not doubt he enjoyed your company and cared for you, but his first love is alcohol. As he said he wants to do what he wants to do (drink) when he wants to do it. Alcoholics are very selfish that way. The drug comes first in our lives.

He is a mess and yes, it hurts, but you cannot help him You cannot love him sober.
Keep looking and thank God for giving you discernment here as you were blessed to get away.
Thank you! And I am learning I was lucky and strong to step away.
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Old 07-31-2018, 01:12 PM
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I was involved with a guy who absolutely has problems with alcohol, if he isn't already an alcoholic. I was lucky, his mask fell off after only two months.

His side that he shows the world is he is a hard working month on-month off young gent who likes to party and relax when he is home. He is fun, charming and polite and has a ton of friends in his city.

His REAL side, that he showed me is he is an angry, bitter and extremely immature, sulky little boy. And a total pisshead. It was a complete 180 and it floored me. Before I blocked him on everything I was extremely tempted to give him a good piece of my mind.

Believe me I had an arsenal of nasty and cutting things I could have said to him that would have really hurt him. I chose the high road this time. Say absolutely nothing in the positive or negative. Just cut the cord - snip! - and I'm gone, forever.

One thing I have learned from my own experience of being an alcoholic is this: hurt people hurt people. NOBODY who is truly content with life and happy and love themselves would ever try and cut someone else down so they can stand taller to make themselves feel better about themselves for a nano-second.

Alcohol really screws with people and their minds. It is not in my character to kick someone while they are down. But that does not mean tolerating being treated like I am something they trod in. With my bloke I see a very sad future ahead of him. Masks don't stay on forever and nobody with a problem with alcohol can hide it or prevent sliding down that slippery slope unless they stop.

From what I saw his 'friends' are just drinking buddies and they couldn't care less if he is there or not. They use him because he earns a lot of money at his job and has a city centre apartment. I met two people who know him, a lovely couple about my parents' age, and they said the first week he is home from work they don't bother to answer the phone to him because he is so smashed he is unbearable to talk to. So already people who are not fellow drunks are avoiding him. Once I realised that I went from feeling boiling with rage to just feeling pity for him and those around him.

It hurts because you felt like you lost an amazing guy, but trust me, that guy doesn't exist as long as he is drinking. You had feelings for a character in a play not a real person. And that hurts like hell. But I promise you, you will learn from this as you are healing. He will learn nothing from this but you will grow as a person.

If any red flags come up in future for a guy with a drinking problem, if he has no intentions of stopping, then run. Run and never look back. Look after yourself
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Old 07-31-2018, 01:39 PM
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It's a blessing really. Better to know now than later.
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Old 07-31-2018, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by skyfullofstars View Post
I was involved with a guy who absolutely has problems with alcohol, if he isn't already an alcoholic. I was lucky, his mask fell off after only two months.

His side that he shows the world is he is a hard working month on-month off young gent who likes to party and relax when he is home. He is fun, charming and polite and has a ton of friends in his city.

His REAL side, that he showed me is he is an angry, bitter and extremely immature, sulky little boy. And a total pisshead. It was a complete 180 and it floored me. Before I blocked him on everything I was extremely tempted to give him a good piece of my mind.

Believe me I had an arsenal of nasty and cutting things I could have said to him that would have really hurt him. I chose the high road this time. Say absolutely nothing in the positive or negative. Just cut the cord - snip! - and I'm gone, forever.

One thing I have learned from my own experience of being an alcoholic is this: hurt people hurt people. NOBODY who is truly content with life and happy and love themselves would ever try and cut someone else down so they can stand taller to make themselves feel better about themselves for a nano-second.

Alcohol really screws with people and their minds. It is not in my character to kick someone while they are down. But that does not mean tolerating being treated like I am something they trod in. With my bloke I see a very sad future ahead of him. Masks don't stay on forever and nobody with a problem with alcohol can hide it or prevent sliding down that slippery slope unless they stop.

From what I saw his 'friends' are just drinking buddies and they couldn't care less if he is there or not. They use him because he earns a lot of money at his job and has a city centre apartment. I met two people who know him, a lovely couple about my parents' age, and they said the first week he is home from work they don't bother to answer the phone to him because he is so smashed he is unbearable to talk to. So already people who are not fellow drunks are avoiding him. Once I realised that I went from feeling boiling with rage to just feeling pity for him and those around him.

It hurts because you felt like you lost an amazing guy, but trust me, that guy doesn't exist as long as he is drinking. You had feelings for a character in a play not a real person. And that hurts like hell. But I promise you, you will learn from this as you are healing. He will learn nothing from this but you will grow as a person.

If any red flags come up in future for a guy with a drinking problem, if he has no intentions of stopping, then run. Run and never look back. Look after yourself
Thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry for your pain. I agree with all of your advise and I am seeing a counselor and trying not to be so hard on myself about being fooled.
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Old 07-31-2018, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by apollo986 View Post
It's a blessing really. Better to know now than later.
Thank you I agree!
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Old 07-31-2018, 02:34 PM
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Equestrian, almost everyone even the smartest, streetwise and emotionally secure people have been fooled by someone they had feelings for. When the rose-tinted glasses are on it is difficult to see red flags.

It does not mean you are stupid, it is no reflection of your character at all. It is a reflection of theirs. That they would take advantage of someone who has a big heart. That sort of person is either a horrible loser and/or someone with a hell of a lot of internal demons. They hate themselves one hundred times more than we ever could.

Once you start healing and the shock and anger fade you will only feel pity for him. Nothing else, just pity. Please don't let this jade you or make you cynical about relationships, there are good men out there. Work on loving yourself until you find a man who deserves your good heart. That is what I am doing
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Old 07-31-2018, 03:59 PM
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I love this "hurt people hurt people."

So true.

The advice here is spot on.

You got one ride at this rodeo -- dont do it with him.

Sorry you are sad.
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Old 07-31-2018, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by skyfullofstars View Post
Equestrian, almost everyone even the smartest, streetwise and emotionally secure people have been fooled by someone they had feelings for. When the rose-tinted glasses are on it is difficult to see red flags.

It does not mean you are stupid, it is no reflection of your character at all. It is a reflection of theirs. That they would take advantage of someone who has a big heart. That sort of person is either a horrible loser and/or someone with a hell of a lot of internal demons. They hate themselves one hundred times more than we ever could.

Once you start healing and the shock and anger fade you will only feel pity for him. Nothing else, just pity. Please don't let this jade you or make you cynical about relationships, there are good men out there. Work on loving yourself until you find a man who deserves your good heart. That is what I am doing
I was so angry yesterday which I am learning is part of the griefing process that I broke my own rule and and texted him and blew him out of the water. Which probably hurt me more then him (he is now blocked from any form of communication). Point being I felt like I needed to get it out but I feel bad because I dont want to kick someone when they are down. He is very far down in a hole. I have no desire to go back to that. Thank you for the kind words and I love this group so much information and love.

❤❤
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Old 07-31-2018, 07:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Dropsie View Post
I love this "hurt people hurt people."

So true.

The advice here is spot on.

You got one ride at this rodeo -- dont do it with him.

Sorry you are sad.
Thank you... the shock is wearing off and I can see clearer each day. I am also in therapy to help with being mad at myself for this.
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Old 08-04-2018, 09:54 AM
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wrong post
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