Smarie78

Dodging bullets aren't supposed to feel good even if they are for the best. The bullet represented the dreams and the hopes you were so sure of, not necessarily what they actually were. more what you had hoped they would become. That is the bullet, and it hurts like hell. It's simply an immediate hurt vs a delayed hurt. Keep going, everyday breathe and keep going. The sting will fade in time.

Lonewolf22

As soon as someone becomes unreasonably angry to you then it rings a lot of alarm bells.
You are possibly feeling guilty because of his overreaction to you. It has a habit of doing that and can be the start of a manipulative relationship.

It sucks that it ended that way after so much promise. You deserve to be treated with respect though and not have your feelings undermined.

teatreeoil007

Huh. Yeah, you'd think he would have empathy/sympathy....the fact that he DOESN'T shows you where he's at in terms of coming to terms with his addiction and also where he's at as far as his capacity to truly care for fellow human beings.

It's possible he is in such DENIAL about his alcoholism that he truly doesn't see himself as "bad" as the ones that come into the ER where he works. And just because he's a nurse doesn't mean he's a shiner in the empathy department. In fact, sometimes nurses grow hard hearts because of all the crud they deal with. No excuse, I know, but that can be what happens.

Equestrian83

I had alot of help feeling that way.
"I love here I can see myself here"
"I should start looking for jobs here"
"I would marry you if that something you wanted"
"What's your ring size"
"You have brought so much joy in my life"
"I went from one person to 4 to share my life with"

I feel like an idiot! For believing it and thought we had such a deep connection... ughhhhh

Equestrian83

I do feel guilt like I pushed or did something wrong... but my logical side says you should be able to ask questions and be open and that should not cause such a reaction. I was looking for reassurance that he wanted to continue because he seemed so stressed out and really not wanting to put in effort as he was
before . He said he was going to start FNP school in Jan. and he didn't want to make his schedule in advance to work out time to see us... he said was a pain. So I want sure where that left us.

Equestrian83

Nailed it! Alright quote from him being "I'm not in the shape those people are" . Which is odd because I believed him to be a good person. I usually am pretty initiative about people and we had so much time in different situations. He was nice to other not a huge talker to other. I mean up until the end he had never talked like that to me. Usually very under control willing to talk through things no anger.

I truly second guess my "gut" which I have relied on so many times. In most cases give me 20 min. and I can read a room. I feel like a fool I all honesty.

teatreeoil007

Well, addicts can be on their best behavior at times....especially in the early phases of relationships. Addicts can be VERY charming, depending on whom they wish to charm. Addicts can be very attractive...they can have charisma. All the things that attract people to people. They can have intellect. He's a nurse, he's got to have some smarts. He may not be as bad off as some of the addicts that come through the ER.....yet. He may be at a stage of alcoholism that hasn't progressed to the extent he winds up in an ER. He's "functioning" at a certain level right now. Many alcoholics can do this for years....they can hold down jobs, not miss work, maintain relationships, and on and on....but if they keep drinking....it will get worse.

You've still got a good gut, hon....and good intuition....I hope you're not knocking yourself. I think I can size up people pretty well and fast too. But every now and then, I get it wrong and I have to step back. Some people are easy to read; others not so much. Addicts in particular have likely been practicing "hiding" their addictions and become rather adept at it.

trailmix

I hope after a while, after you have had time really look at it, that you won't feel like a fool.

You said yourself that you didn't know much about alcoholism. Then there is the fact he didn't live in the same town as you do. I don't know if he was coming down for weekend visits or what but many alcoholics can quit for a few days - he may have been getting drunk regularly and you would know nothing about it.

I agree with teatree:

All the years he has probably been drinking, all the time at school, all the time working as an ER nurse. He has honed and practiced being a good guy, in control.

Equestrian83

v

I had not thought of it that way... but yes I can see where it would take extreme control to be able to function day in and day out and still hide so many lies. DUI and rehab in another state all hidden. Makes my mind spin 🤪

Equestrian83

Update... Rough week as I am missing him and want to contact him. HAHA Why and to what end I am not sure. It has been three weeks or more, but it feels like 3 months. I float between anger and sadness, bubbly personality here with a sad soul. I have been working from home a lot due to a nasty virus (probably due to stress). Hoping this will pass when I can go into work and stay more active. I feel like I took a few steps backwards. Any advise as to be more proactive in this. I have been through plenty of relationships and even a divorce... but none have shook me to the core like this one.

trailmix

It will pass but it's going to take time. Good for you for staying strong about not contacting him. It's hard!

Have you made a list of all the negatives and terrible remarks etc to keep handy to refer to when you are thinking only of the good times?

I think it's natural to want contact with someone we have been close to and especially in romantic relationships there is usually a big time void where you texted or talked or met up that now has to be filled. You sit there and think - well I want to fill this time with what we had (not the bad stuff, just the good). Sadly it doesn't work that way (as you well know).

Generally that sadness/anger shifts to anger at some point, in fact it's not a bad place to go to as it motivates you to move forward. As long as you use it until it serves its purpose and then let it go. You'll know when that is, when holding on to it seems pointless and tiresome and doesn't seem necessary anymore.

dandylion

Equestrian...you have to go through the natural grieving, to get to the healing...In fact the grieving is the first stage of healing...as there is no ways to go around it...one must just soldier through it.....
Think weeks to months to get through the worst of it....in fits and starts....
I think if it as the short-term pain for the long term gain.....
It is normal to feel every emotion and to do a lot o f ruminating about the relationship....That is o.k., so long as you navigate yourself from day to day and do the essentials that keep life going...Every 24hr. is a victory.....


I suspect t hat you sank more of yourself and your future hopes into this relationship...even more than the others......that, in your mind, you Needed this one to work, most of all.....?

Equestrian83

I will try the negatives check list. My mind does like to settle on the good and wants to forget the bad about the relationship. Thank you as always 😊

Equestrian83

Wow! I think you just read me like a book! Between raising three kids, grad school, and a new job. I feel like I just don't have time to grieve (like I have a choice lol). Ready to move on emotionally but I am still pretty emotionally invested I would say. I had someone ask me out at the gym which should be a good thing... but it kind of triggered lots of emotions about how I am and where I, no where near a place for that.

As for my hopes and dreams I would say you are more than correct. I put so much into it. I really did want to see it work. Not sure what that means...

Thank you Dandy

dandylion

Equestrian.....yes....can you articulate...specifically, why this one meant so very much.....? Could it be that you feel like this might make you a 2 or 3 time "loser"...
Or, perhaps, that this one was the "big prize"...that you had finally found the exact one....that you had finally "figured it out"....
Or, maybe that your struggles were over...and you never had to go down this kind of road again....
Or, that you are deeply disappointed that maybe, your picker is broken.....
Or, how it may look to the outside world....that you won't be seen as successful...
Or, maybe, that you were counting on this one being the "father figure" and the one you could show a good relationship, to your children...(some residual parental guilt, perhaps?"...
Or, that he was just so unique that you felt that it was "intended to be"....


those are just some examples....

Equestrian83

Possibly all the above... unique, a prize, my kids liked him, dating is not my favorite thing, a connection I had not had I other relatioships, pretty sure my picker is broken!