teatreeoil007

Who do you resent? What do you resent?

I've been thinking about this a lot yesterday and today. I don't know why...but it's somehow just been made clear once again that if there is any resentment inside I need to take care of it; release it....somehow, someway.

I thought of the "Resentment Prayer" that I've read but don't have memorized. I think I read the one BerryBean posted a while back.

It's likely that we have all drank or used because of resentment for things other people have done or for injustices we know that are not answered for...injustice....that can create big resentments for sure....

But: Do I have to carry resentment around with me? No.Is resentment gone at the bottom of a bottle? No. Why do I resent so and so or such and such? How much resentment do I have even deep within that I may not even know is there....and it comes out sideways? No matter what the addiction is....food, money, adrenaline rushes, euphoria, gambling, various substances...whatever the resentment is...is it one of the causes of depression, anxiety, being unsettled?

I think I can safely say we all want peace and harmony and we want to feel good. But as long as we carry resentment around we will not have those things.

So.....we need to release resentment somehow and what are ways to do that? The first thing that came to my mind is to pray for whomever I feel resentment for....pray for them. By praying for them we are releasing our resentment;letting it go...giving it over ....

Berrybean

Sometimes I need to make a very firm decision to resign from my self-appointed position of judge and jury, and remember that extending grace to others always feels better than holding a resentment against them. We receive grace whenever we ask for it, but we feel it most strongly when we don't just receive it but give it out as well. That's when we're on the beam. When it flows in and out and kinda washes us clean. It can be a beautiful thing.

BBx

teatreeoil007

Well said, BB...

As I was driving around town today doing some errands it struck me there are many things I could resent if I tended in that direction. I could resent have to deal with more and more traffic while I run those errands. I could resent having to wait at a stop light too long for my liking. I could resent other drivers ... that one could come easy , I reckon. I could resent so and so because they seem to have it easier than me; they're more carefree...why can't I be that carefree again. and on and on and on I could go with resentments forming in my heart and mind....

But: As my hands gripped the steering wheel I said to myself....I gotta let go of resentment and I got to not take on new resentments...I just need to let go. I can grip with steering wheel for all it's worth, but I don't need to take hold of new resentments....even though I could take them on....there is plenty of material, so to speak...but then I thought, "No, what good does resentment do?" And, I couldn't think of anything good that resentment does. Not one....

Berrybean

Ah yes. The traffic. Well done for making that decision,

I use my kindle in the car now with audio books. Richard RohrThe Art of Letting Go is this week's book of choice, and although I don't get much time to sit and read in peace at home, sometimes heavier than usual traffic grants me the blessing of extra book listening time on my commute. Last week was Angela Carter's Wise Children, and the heaviness of the traffic meant I got to listen to all 6 and a half hours in under a week. Fantastic - what a treat.

And you know the other thing that makes heavy traffic better for me? When I let people cut in who are stuck waiting for gap in the traffic so they can pull onto the road or change lanes. Now ain't that strange. I can be feeling despondent because of all the traffic between me and where I need to get to, and the thing that makes me feel better is allowing MORE traffic between me and where I want to get to. Counterintuitive they may be, but those small acts of extending grace are usualky more powerful than what is bringing us down.

As far as comparing our burdens with others, I'm not sure that's possible for the most part. Most of the time we can'tknow what inner turmoil someone else is in. I do often feel sad for people who are struggling with secret fears and shame, who don't have a fellowship or a sponsor or a program. I met a lady at church who seemed at first very happy. I had commented on her dress, which was pretty (and quite expensive looking) and she sat with me with her coffee and started telling me why she'd worn the dress. Not such a happy tale, and by the end she'd started crying. Turns out she had quite a burden and plenty of worries - more than her fair share. But what I'd seen when she walked in was a retired lady, affluent,with a smile on her face. It was only when I spoke to her that I understood that her heart was breaking despite all that. A little reminder that to me that I can't judge by outward appearances. People are pretty good at creating a protective facade of 'I'm fine-ness'. I did that for decades when I was drinking. Can still fall into the trap now as well sometimes.

Anyway. Hope you're having a good weekend.

BB

entropy1964

I was reading this thread last night, but not logged in, and thought 'yay, I can post about all the resentment I have right now!'.

Ugh its rough. And yes, resentment truly is the number 1 offender...well one of em. Most of the time, at least with respect to 'new' resentments, I have a role to play in whatever issue has arisen. When I do its easier to ease off the resentment. I can focus on my side, make an amends, own my crap etc. I can at least control myself. But when its true injustice, which thankfully doesn't happen often, its really hard. That crap just sits there, like something the dog did, for a bit. Yes, forgiveness is key. And gratitude. But ya know, that doesn't always happen quickly when I've really been screwed. I've been sitting on a resentment for about a week now. And it is slowly getting better. Perspective helps a lot too. Is it really worth 'all this'? No its not.

And drinking will never help anything. I think learning to sit with feelings is just as, if not more, important than learning to let them go. I mean, both are important. But sometimes things don't disappear just because I ask them to. Learning that is actually ok to feel a little crappy is, at least for me, a good lesson. And I'm feeling much better.

Thanks for the thread!

Mountainmanbob

Some people have really done things to harm me. Causing grave resentments. I have found that the best thing for me to do so as to get some relief is to pray for these ones for their well-being and to ask that I may forgive them. And to forgive them sometimes over and over again. Also realizing that I have not been the perfect one. Forgive others as I wish and hope to be forgiven.

Holding onto resentment is like clinging tight to a form of cancer. We must be rid of these to have spiritual freedom.

M-Bob

aasharon90

Great reminders. Thank you..!!!!

Fly N Buy

When I did my first 4th step, I learned how to deal with resentment by looking at my part. As Bob posted, we are not always at fault. However, I found in most instances of resentments I played a major role.

As we learn and is often restated; resentments are like drinking poison while waiting for the other person, place, thing, institution etc to die. It's part of that insanity.

This exercise of personal inventory was a huge cog in how to live life while progressing in emotional sobriety. Once learned, I have this amazing tool available to let go of yesterday's resentment and deal with tomorrow's issues. This is vitally important as resentments are deadly.

I was taught there is a big difference between anger and resentment which I find important. The litmus test shared with me was this; if I am angry when I go to bed at X and still steaming when I wake up, that is a resentment.

Yesterday a guy almost hit my car at a gas station due to driving like an donkey. Gratefully, a collision was narrowly averted. I wasn't really angry - maybe just for a spilt second, but really thankful disaster passed by this day.

Sloppy Trudgin, playing bumper cars while not stepping on others toes. Pretty certain I caused a lot more resentment over my career than I ever garnered.

Good thread, vital to sobriety - Thanks

August252015

I take the resentment (disturbance, fear, anger, worry as the BB addresses all) and turn it onto myself? What did I do, what's my responsibility in the situation that is causing [ ] that makes me resentful? That is one thing that helps correct my ego-centric resentment. And remembering that I am not the "chief critic" or the world.

teatreeoil007

Ever have a resentment crop up at times and it sort of catches you unawares? Sort of like a jack in the box it pops up when you least expect it to? Or, you thought you have resolved it and it was gone...and then....uh oh....there it is again....yikes. I hate it when that happens. I mean, we cannot just totally shield our lives off for fear our resentment never resurfaces...we ARE going to cross paths with things that will breed resentment unless we live in a bubble and how realistic is that? So..chances are if resentment wants to take root it won't have too far to look. It's almost like little seeds of resentment fly in the wind and are carried far and wide just waiting to take root in our minds and hearts. But, you know, we don't have to "buy in". I think the choice will be mine and I need to set my face like flint, so to speak and run this race without the burden of resentment. So, not only do I need to pray for others I need to pray for mySELF in this regard. Don't let the seeds of resentment take root in my heart. When my thoughts start going in a bad direction, I can learn to redirect my thoughts.

teatreeoil007

BB: As far as comparing our burdens with others, I'm not sure that's possible for the most part. Most of the time we can'tknow what inner turmoil someone else is in. I do often feel sad for people who are struggling with secret fears and shame, who don't have a fellowship or a sponsor or a program. I met a lady at church who seemed at first very happy. I had commented on her dress, which was pretty (and quite expensive looking) and she sat with me with her coffee and started telling me why she'd worn the dress. Not such a happy tale, and by the end she'd started crying. Turns out she had quite a burden and plenty of worries - more than her fair share. But what I'd seen when she walked in was a retired lady, affluent,with a smile on her face. It was only when I spoke to her that I understood that her heart was breaking despite all that. A little reminder that to me that I can't judge by outward appearances. People are pretty good at creating a protective facade of 'I'm fine-ness'. I did that for decades when I was drinking. Can still fall into the trap now as well sometimes.

So true, BB. Sometimes the outside is truly a reflection of the inside. But many times it's not. I know someone who is very very rich and well connected in this world. They own a lot of real estate, toys for everything, travel the world for expensive vacations, etc, etc. She wears gorgeous clothes; she's well put together; has a perpetual tan and the list goes on. But, one day I asked her how she was and she very honestly just said, "I'm feeling pretty discouraged right now." She didn't go into much detail...but I realized then and there I just can't assume she's got it all together, like I had up to that point....because much of the time down deep inside she has the same struggles as anyone else, plus she has a lot of anxiety. So, that caused me look at others differently in a way. Conversely, I shouldn't assume someone is miserable based upon outward appearances or the kind of house they live in. Perhaps contentment is more a state of mind than anything else....

tomsteve

Don't let the seeds of resentment take root in my heart
very wise words and something i learned is i dont just BAM!!!! i have a resentment!
it typically starts with frustration, then turns to anger is not caught, then the resentment sets in.
the seed gets planted with frustration.

teatreeoil007

Ah yes, ts. I have long felt that anger can turn into resentment if it's not dealt with. One reason why I don't think it's good to stuff your anger....but I know that I also need to deal with anger in ways that are not destructive. Sure, I hear you about frustration. Breathing exercises, exercise, staying active, doing things you enjoy...those are all good ways to release frustration, as frustration can turn into anger too.

tomsteve

smackin someone upside the head with a stick can be a good way to release frustration,too
i still havent determoned of someopne i know or a stranger works better.

teatreeoil007

teatreeoil007

thx August...indeed....so true.

DontRemember

I use some of my 'valid resentments' as a fuel to continue living the best,honest,fullfilling and happy life I can(including not drinking no matter what). I've got a few that there's just no getting around for me. Sure they were 'flawed people' that I allowed in my life and that's on me, but I just don't excuse some acts,so I just turn it into a positive for myself /family/friends. I don't carry them around with me(like I did when active),but some of the things I now do in my life are in a way fueled by these people(lesson learned typed thing). I also hate idiot drivers and traffic,but that's just life. I've also found that a heavy bag is great for a 'release' of frustration and also good cardio. Best $300 I've spent since getting sober!

teatreeoil007

I like this thought of "turning resentment around" into a positive force in your life. Well done! It seems as though there is energy, thought, intent expended no matter what. So then, we can make a conscious choice of where/how to direct it.

Now....here is another thought: what to do if someone resents you for something you may or may not even be aware of. They resent you just because you're you....how to handle that? They may resent you just because of good traits you have or what you've accomplished. They may resent you for taking a stand on a matter. They may resent you because you're more talented in an area where they lack. They may resent just because you don't really fit in and go along....So anyways...I've had to deal with that type of resentment as well...and it again comes around to learning to let go and not get hung up on it. We all have fortunate and unfortunate things come up in our lives.

lessgravity

Funny I was thinking about this earlier today. I find that with more sobriety many of my negative tendencies still exist. I find myself resenting my habits, and my decisions. I'm working on it, focusing on positive changes, staying active, but it's not easy. I can't imagine how I made it this far being such a drunk, but there's so much more that I need to take care of now that I'm sober. Filtering through the resentments I feel towards myself and my mistakes, has to be one of the many things that I take care of now that I'm sober.

teatreeoil007

Huh....living with self-resentment would be quite a heavy burden to carry around. But, as you sort of indicate here...it can also propel you onward to work on the issues, amends, and continuing to make positive changes. You're so right, the work doesn't end with just stopping drinking.