SoberMe83

I've had drinking issues for years but found ways to cope or think I was getting better. Plenty of blacked out memories, dumb decisions, sicknesses, tons of vomiting, busted blood vessels in eyes from vomiting, kidney stone from drinking too much and not being able to eat/drink for a couple of days, falling down stairs, and about a 3-day period where I thought my liver or something was shutting down and couldn't eat/drink.....etc, etc.

I've found that when I'm around my wife, it's kept in check, but I can't always trust myself when alone or travelling for work.

Well, 2 nights ago on a work trip, I got completely plastered. I remember playing beer pong at a bar, then nothing until I woke up the next morning in my underwear and another woman's bed. I freaked, grabbed my stuff and left. We did not have sex, my crotch didn't smell like sex, and no way I could've gotten up. My hands smelled like sex and I think my face may have, but don't remember before I washed off my face.

I decided to tell my wife yesterday afternoon, after slept more of it off and waking back up. It's not good. I'm so torn up and crazy right now. I do not remember what happened and freaks me out. Sometimes I can remember bits and pieces, but literally cannot remember a thing.

So far, I've decided that I have to become sober and we've already agreed to go to counseling, but she's not giving me any guarantees.

We have a 2yr old son and another on the way. I'm so sick and disgusted with myself. I want to stay together and want this to work. I know it may take a long time. She's not really one to forgive and can hold grudges for a good while.

Help.

Bird615

Welcome to SR, Sober me.

If you want to stop drinking, this is a great place to start. There's a lot of support and information for you here to help get you on your way to a sober lifestyle.

SparkleKitty

I applaud your willingness to be honest with your wife. Now I hope you can give her whatever time and space she needs to process this and make her own decisions about how to proceed.

tedsie096

I want to help. I know that you feel terrible. I am also a blackout drunk able to hold it together for a while and then totally lose it during a blackout. I have had some Mel Gibson/Alec Baldwin type rampages directed at my wife which wounded her deeply. Feel encouragement from the fact that your wife is willing to try counseling. Realize that by stopping the booze you can move on from this and that rebuilding her trust will take time. There are people here that have been where you are, post often and seek their support.

SoberMe83

Yes. That will happen. If I want this to be rebuilt, I have to do that.

My family, in general, has had plenty of drinking problems and still do. I do t know of genetics or just my own addiction.

I've thought for years that I could control it or that it wasn't that bad. This makes me see that it is.

SoberMe83

I just never thought this would be me. I guess I was asking for it by starting to flirt as I was getting drunker, but I literally don't remember what happened next or what was going thru my mind, except, at the moment, maybe it felt good?

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR SoberMe83. Thing is it doesn't really matter "why" we have drinking/addition problems - all that matters is that we acknowledge that we do. And then do something about it. Pretty much every single one of us thought we could control it/moderate/fix it for years too - that's very, very common.

The good news is that you can take control of your life and quit drinking - and you'll find a lot of support here to do that. I can't guarantee you that it will completely fix all of the other problems in your life - but it will definitely make it easier. And it will also keep you from making more poor decisions while under the influence.

SoberMe83

Thanks.

I'm feeling so horrible. I don't want to hurt myself but I don't know how to cope with what I've done. I've showered about 6 times in past day and I'm numb but full of anger and disgust all at the same time.

Gem010918

Sending you a big hug. I have been in the same boat before. You can do it!

SoberMe83

Anyone out there go thru this and make it thru with their marriage?

I don't want to lose my family.

SparkleKitty

There are many, many steps between now and the final outcome of this whole situation. Hundreds of them. You are on, like, step 2. Maybe best just to focus on doing the next right thing, and dealing with the rest when you get to them?

Ladysadie

Take it one day at a time. Remain sober today. And the next, then the next.

Give your wife time to deal with her feelings about you. It may take longer because she is pregnant and has an abundance of hormones. Give her foot rubs and back rubs. You have a certain "penance" to pay but by being kind, thoughtful and caring can shorten the duration.

Show up - for your employment, for counseling, for your wife's and child's needs. Be the man of the house. Be your wife's best friend. Be awesome in your sober life.

There is a great life to be had after an infidelity but stop it.

BlownOne

True amends to your wife for what has happened will have to take the form of actions. Words at this point are probably meaningless. The damage has been done. I would strongly suggest, if you wish to keep your family, that you make your sobriety your number one priority right now. Yes, even more than your marriage. Actions are all that matter now. Rehab may be a good place to start, IF you are ready and willing to do the work they ask. Praying for you.

SoberMe83

Thanks all.

I've already requested a marriage counseling appointment for later this week.

I'm going to deal with my alcohol with another appointment or just see if I can roll it in with marriage counseling.

I so ****** up. This is stupid. I'm on a business trip still and I'm cutting it short to get home to try to save my family.

Gellybelly

If I wanted my marriage to work, I wouldn't have told her. Telling her would not benefit my desire of wanting the marriage to work.

If I didn't want the marriage to work, I would tell her...

Telling a woman who is not forgiving and tends to hold grudges that you were with another female while drunk.......how does that benefit you?

On a side note......someone who is unforgiving and holds grudges.....major red flag.

When respect is gone from either party.......it's doomed. no amount of "counselling" can get that respect or interest level back. If one partner has to beg for forgiveness, the dynamic changes forever and you'll never be on the same level.

hard truth: a woman must respect and adore (have adoration) for a man in order to love him (amongst other things). A man on his knees begging loses that respect and adoration.

What's the worst case scenario? I'd get comfortable with it. Good always comes out of a seemingly terrible situation though. Maybe you'll see that you weren't happy with her anyway.

the majority of couples are not compatible anyway.

tedsie096

What happened has happened. You told your wife and will have to work through that. Don't despair, stay away from the booze. Today is your first step in the right direction.

SoberMe83

Thanks. What happened did happen. I know that I will have to deal with the consequences, whatever they may be.

I just pray that I get a chance to be better. I do love her and our little family. I've struggled with drinking for a long time and she's never really trusted me around it.

I know there are probably other reasons for my infidelity and I'm hoping the counseling will help me figure that out. I'm hoping that it helps.

I can't see myself raising my kids with someone else. I know that some will say, if it meant that much, then why did you put yourself in that situation anyway.

That's what I'm trying to answer now.

AnvilheadII

make sobriety your #1 goal. all else has a chance to work out if you do. but more drinking will just pull it all down around your ears. demonstrate your commitment by never drinking again.....period.

Ladysadie

Don't know your age, but seriously? playing beer pong? I take it you're not in high school anymore. There is no time like the present to stop being stoopid.

You don't want a divorce for many reasons:
(1) Your children deserve you in their life as a present and sober father
(2) Your wife deserves a sober committed faithful and present husband
(3) Divorces are costly, child support and alimony are costly
(4) Your standard of living and that of your wife as an "EX" and children will all suffer as you break up the marital home
(5) You love your wife

You can't be present if you are a messed up drunk -- for anyone including yourself. You need to get a plan going on how to maintain sobriety and work together with your wife and build a solid partnership with her so you can raise those children as happy healthy young ones with every good chance of being successful.

Buckley3

You hinted at something along the lines of "don't know how to go on." If you feel suicidal call someone & get help for it. Whatever happens from here out isn't worth hurting yourself - even if you can't see it right now. You can and will make it through this.

Like many of us we arrive here broken to bits facing serious wreckage caused by actions we took while allowing alcohol or drugs to have a place in our lives. There is a lot of compassionate, almost unconditional support here. And tons of resources.

Good on you for being honest and seeking help. That's the first step and it doesn't matter how a person takes it. Learning to be very honest with yourself and others is a very powerful thing.

As others have said respect whatever your wife says she needs, even if that's space you don't want to give.

Own the suck. Own it all. This is an opportunity, as dark as it may be right now. Be wary of self-pity. There's no room for it right now.

Seems the urgency of the family issues can serve as fuel to stay sober in the short-intermediate term. Use it. Start educating yourself about the nature of alcohol abuse and alcoholism.

Take each day in course. What worked for me was to focus on 1-3 must do's each day. I wrote them down. I let anything outside of getting those commitments done wait. It helped me stay out of my own head long enough to make sure I was getting done what needed done. Small steps. Small wins.

Make sure you take care of yourself. You need it. And you don't have to explain it to anyone. Show up where you must and own what you must. The rest of the time make sure you nuture yourself & educate yourself.

You're going to need to be focused in the days ahead. Each day is one day closer to the other side of this.

Be well-

B