Alv

Hi all.

Having lurked here for some time, finally decided to recognise the fact that I have a problem and truly commit to an attempt at sobriety.

I am a binge drinker that has been lucky enough not to hit a true rock bottom. I hold a well paid job, own a house and up until recently held a stable long term relationship. But after 15 years of telling myself that I can drink like a normal person and failing repeatedly to moderate my drinking I have come to the end of my tether.

Whilst my drinking is contained to evenings and weekends and does not occur daily, I’ve come to accept that I am not in control of how much I drink. As soon as the first beer hits it’s a game of roulette regarding whether I will stop at one or infinity. I’m not a violent or dangerous drunk, but on occasion I black out and won’t remember anything I’ve done. I have totally lost count of how many times I’ve said that I won’t drink today/tomorrow/this week only to fail a few hours later.

I have been incredibly lucky that the direct consequences of my drinking to this point have been limited, consisting only of the odd sick day and embarrassment caused by sloppy, blacked out behaviour at points, but the emotional and physical consequences are taking their toll. I’m sick and tired of hiding hangovers and dealing with the crippling anxiety that has resulted from my behaviour. I’m sick and tired of the lack of presence in my life. I’m sick and tired of failing to meet my full potential. It’s time to change.

Currently working through day 2 and feeling hopeful.

Thank you for reading.

REM700

Welcome and congrats on day 2! There are a lot of people here to offer support and encouragement. I've been asked on more than one occasion: What am I going to do different?

lessgravity

Welcome Alv.

I think I've been where you are right now. Things got worse for me over the years. Not in terms of career or relationships -but in terms of alcohol abuse.

Good for you for checking in now. Lots of wisdom and advice here.

Stay strong.

Hevyn

It's great to have you join us, Alv. My binge drinking eventually led to every day drinking, and disaster. I'm glad you're taking action. Congrats on your 2 days.

DarklingSong

Very much relate to your post. I have quit for the same reason. Control was gone....the mental and physical consequences started to stack up.

Welcome to SR. You will find lots of support here.

Alv

Hi REM700,

Thank you for your response. It’s appreciated. ‘What I’m going to do different’ is a great question; I’m acutely aware that the same old behaviours lead to the same old results, so here are a few things that I’m doing differently this time:

1) Accountability. For the first time I’ve told my close friends and brother about the situation and have asked for support. They have been exceptionally understanding and encouraging.

2) Take some time out. My workplace offers a carreer break scheme enabling me to take a period of time off work unpaid without any black marks on my record. I have arranged a 6 week absence from the workplace.

3) Better engage others for support via online recovery communities and seeking the help of a counsellor.

4) I’ve pulled together a plan of activities to take the place of old routines largely involving exercise and creative pursuits. These activities will hopefully replace old routines with new positive patterns giving me the opportunity to meet new people, whilst providing a bump in all of the positive brain chemicals in the process.

For the last 9 months or so I have been avidely listening to a lot of great podcasts such as Recovery Elevator, SHAIR and That Sober Guy, as well as reading a lot of the available literature on the subject of addiction. I’m hoping that the knowledge that I’ve gathered as a result has finally started to solidify in my mind and will help ensure that my journey henceforth takes a different path.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

Alv

Hevyn, Lessgravity and Darkling. Thank you all also for your responses.

I know that things can only get worse from here if I don’t make any changes, so I’m hoping that taking action before the chaos fully engulfs my life will prevent the inevitable problems that are waiting for me in the life in which I am currently leading.

daredevil

Alv,

Not living up to my potential struck me as as significant a consequence as any, and was the primary impetus behind my decision to stop drinking. I relate.

Dee74

Welcome to SR Alv

D

Zebra1275

I have totally lost count of how many times I’ve said that I won’t drink today/tomorrow/this week only to fail a few hours later.

Yep, been there, done that.

This is why it is so hard to stop drinking by yourself.

For me, the combination of this website and AA finally got me sober after trying to do it by myself for years.

Alv

Thanks for the response Zebra. I am seriously considering the idea of AA. I attended a meeting a couple of years ago and found it somewhat hard to relate due to the fact that my situation wasn’t as dark as any of the others around the table. However depending on how the next few days go, I may decide to go to a meeting and focus on the similarities of the stories being shared rather than the differences.

I’ve read the big book and have started working through a version of the steps using the book Recovery by Russell Brand.

Day 3 for me today, and I’m still feeling hopeful. However as it’s not uncommon for me to abstain for a few days at a time on a regular basis I know that my challenge lays more over the coming days - I suspect that the AV will start creeping in over the coming days. Getting through the weekend will be an achievement then shortly after that making it to one week will feel like progress.

soberista

Hi Alv. Welcome. I am just entering my 12th week of sobriety and it most definitely is well worth it. I have seen a lot of Russell Brands You Tube clips and his new book. I know a lot of people don't like him but I have to say his views on recovery make sense to me. He is very honest and open about his addictive nature and how he has managed to become and remain on the right path. Dont know if you watched From addiction to recovery but an interesting view. Stay close to this thread and read lots of posts from both sides of the fence...recovering and also friends and family. And never allow the AV to talk you into thinking one drink or moderation is possible! Lessgravity posted a great thread on that "Moderation is the addict's Santa Claus..."

All the best

Alv

Thanks for your response Soberista. I’ll certainly be watching ‘From addiction to recovery’ shortly and adding Lessgravity’s post to my reading list.

Day 4 and the first test of will for me today. Driving through town watching people flock to the bars in groups, knowing that I need to spend the evening alone and sober. Currently working through the pain of a relationship breakup, but I know that working through my emotions sober rather than delaying the pain with drink is for the best.

Rather than reaching for a bottle, I went to the shop to buy fruit smoothies instead, so hopefully a sensible change of pattern, despite the sugar content.

Counting myself hugely lucky that a routine change is all I have to contend with this evening and not the crushing desolation of detox/major hangover.

Time to get busy - I think I’ll check in with some family members to see how they’re doing, then dig into writing a book I started a while ago but never finished.

WIwoman

Sounds like you have a solid plan. I wish the best of luck to you. I was in your boat about 4 years ago (no terrible consequences, no drinking during the day), but trust me that can change quickly. You are getting off the train at the perfect time.

Dee74

It often seems we think we have ony two choices - flock with everyone else to the bars or stay home alone.

The truth is of course there's many ;poin ts between the two.

Catching up with family sounds like a good idea., I also reconnected with a lot of friends who drifted away after I hit the bottle hard - I went out - specifically to things I knew where alcohol would not be involved..and I made new friends - friends who only know me as a non drinker

D

Alv

Thanks Dee. And certainly, I know that long term my options will broaden. As I make new, healthier friendships I’ll have places to go, people to see and things to do that don’t involve drinking.

Day 5 and I’m feeling greater clarity. It’s one of the first sunny days of the year here, which lends itself to meeting friends in a beer garden over drinks, but I’ve resolved that I will not drink today.

To share a little more about my story, My partner of 10 years recently decided to end our relationship. Whilst drinking did not directly cause the relationship to fall apart, I’m certain that drinking was the catalyst. One night, three years ago, when trashed, I was unfaithful. Whilst my partner forgave the incident at the time, things were never the same after that night, and resentment bubbled under the surface. After a brief stint of sobriety following that event, I continued to drink. The lack of presence of mind resulting from drinking, coupled with the bubbling and growing resentment leads me to the current day. I have lost the person I love, the person whom I built my life around for the last 10 years, the person with whom I thought I’d have children.

I’m rebuilding my life at the moment, and staying sober is the key building block to ensuring that I never make the same mistakes, and never feel pain like this again in future - I will not drink today.

Looking forward to days 6 & 7. From previous experience getting to the week mark will be the point that clarity of mind starts to fully restore, my body will fill with energy and outlook on life becomes more positive.

Alv

Day 6 almost done. Not a great day emotionally, but minimal drinking triggers, so not having to resist temptation.

Roll on day 7. No space for complacency, plenty of opportunities to fall ahead.

Dee74

Keep it going Alv

D

Alv

So I’ve made it through day 7. I genuinely can’t recall the last time I made it this far - possibly around two years ago - and certainly not with the resolve to keep on going.

The days have been emotional, but that’s expected due to current life circumstances. The last two evenings have been positive, however. Time spent productively working on various projects.

Very much looking forward to moving into the next week; in my experience the benefits normally start kicking in at this point - more energy, and generally feeling healthier and more relaxed.

Hevyn

Alv, we know the strength & resolve it takes to get there. Congrats on your 7 hard-earned days. Things will ease up - you're doing a great job.