Telling A in Rehab I want No Contact
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 15
Telling A in Rehab I want No Contact
Hi All,
My soon to be ex is still in rehab, has about 1.5 more weeks in his 28 day program. Seems to be doing ok. It has come to my attention that as his family talks to him and tries to coordinate "after rehab" with him, he has begun lying--both to me and to them.
Example: before I realized he was prone to drinking and driving, I helped him buy a used truck. His family is encouraging him to sell the truck for rent and living expenses, then take the bus when he gets out.
I find out that he's telling his family he AND I both want him to have the truck. That he has never driven drunk in his life. That he has no way to look for a job otherwise (though he doesn't tell the family I also suggested selling the truck, I offered to drive him to/from work til he gets a paycheck, too).
Anyway, here's my question. He knows I am not going to do a romantic relationship with him for the foreseeable future, but he still calls from rehab and I do visit on friends/family day.
I have determined, especially with the lying, that this is too much for me. I keep getting drawn in to his charm on the phone and on friends/family day where we sit and talk and hold hands, and I know I am going to continue to get sucked in if I stick around. I want to go no contact. He is still being a shameless liar, though I have called him on it and warned him that I won't be around if he continues it.
Is it going to totally kick him in the shins if I bring up my wish to go "no contact" at this point--on the brink of leaving rehab and entering Sober Living for the first time ever? Should I hold back and see him off to Sober Living before taking that kind of step? If it's going to totally derail him at a critical juncture, I can wait.
I know I need to take care of me, but I do have it in me to be considerate as he makes this big transition.
I really would appreciate some feedback and advice. Thank you all in advance!
My soon to be ex is still in rehab, has about 1.5 more weeks in his 28 day program. Seems to be doing ok. It has come to my attention that as his family talks to him and tries to coordinate "after rehab" with him, he has begun lying--both to me and to them.
Example: before I realized he was prone to drinking and driving, I helped him buy a used truck. His family is encouraging him to sell the truck for rent and living expenses, then take the bus when he gets out.
I find out that he's telling his family he AND I both want him to have the truck. That he has never driven drunk in his life. That he has no way to look for a job otherwise (though he doesn't tell the family I also suggested selling the truck, I offered to drive him to/from work til he gets a paycheck, too).
Anyway, here's my question. He knows I am not going to do a romantic relationship with him for the foreseeable future, but he still calls from rehab and I do visit on friends/family day.
I have determined, especially with the lying, that this is too much for me. I keep getting drawn in to his charm on the phone and on friends/family day where we sit and talk and hold hands, and I know I am going to continue to get sucked in if I stick around. I want to go no contact. He is still being a shameless liar, though I have called him on it and warned him that I won't be around if he continues it.
Is it going to totally kick him in the shins if I bring up my wish to go "no contact" at this point--on the brink of leaving rehab and entering Sober Living for the first time ever? Should I hold back and see him off to Sober Living before taking that kind of step? If it's going to totally derail him at a critical juncture, I can wait.
I know I need to take care of me, but I do have it in me to be considerate as he makes this big transition.
I really would appreciate some feedback and advice. Thank you all in advance!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Better to tell him now when he has structured support around him, but no matter when you decide to do it, the "fallout" from that news is not your responsibility. Recovery is about learning to deal with what life throws at us without avoiding it with our drug of choice.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I'd tell him asap. It's not your problem how he takes it and it would be worse if you went along with things to keep the peace and then told him in a few weeks or months. This is about what you want, not him. He needs to live in reality and you wanting to finish things with him is the reality.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Better to tell him now when he has structured support around him, but no matter when you decide to do it, the "fallout" from that news is not your responsibility. Recovery is about learning to deal with what life throws at us without avoiding it with our drug of choice.
This exactly, if you wait for the "right" moment it will never come. There will always be something. It sounds like he is far from being in solid recovery considering he is still lying and manipulating people. It took my RAH 7 weeks of inpatient rehab before he was finally starting to see his manipulative ways. had he come home after 30 days I'm sure I would have left soon after (even now 1.5 years later things are very rocky but he was no where near ready after only 30 days of rehab).
He is your STBXH. You don't really owe him anything. You keep getting sucked in so NC sounds like the healthiest thing to do for you. He is in a program and has support. I mostly went NC with my H while in rehab other then logistics of bills or kid stuff. Even if you wanted to work things out with him NC would be a good thing because he really does need to focus on him. The lying is a good enough reason to go NC. And you need to think about you, not what it will do for him. If it is what YOU need then that is all that matters. You come first. He needs to deal with it.
This exactly, if you wait for the "right" moment it will never come. There will always be something. It sounds like he is far from being in solid recovery considering he is still lying and manipulating people. It took my RAH 7 weeks of inpatient rehab before he was finally starting to see his manipulative ways. had he come home after 30 days I'm sure I would have left soon after (even now 1.5 years later things are very rocky but he was no where near ready after only 30 days of rehab).
He is your STBXH. You don't really owe him anything. You keep getting sucked in so NC sounds like the healthiest thing to do for you. He is in a program and has support. I mostly went NC with my H while in rehab other then logistics of bills or kid stuff. Even if you wanted to work things out with him NC would be a good thing because he really does need to focus on him. The lying is a good enough reason to go NC. And you need to think about you, not what it will do for him. If it is what YOU need then that is all that matters. You come first. He needs to deal with it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
RescueBird......So, he has been sober for about 3 weeks...?
While putting down the bottle is a necessary and good first step.....it is only that--a first step. His thinking is, naturally, "alcoholic thinking"....so metimes, called, in AA circles, as "stinkin thinkin"...lol.....
Rehab is not a magic cure that is going to render him recovered....
In fact, it takes about 6 months. for their brain to come out of the fog, in a physical sense.
If he grabs hold of the program and works a diligent and intensive program....it will take anywhere from 2-3-5yrs. (depending on who you talk to)...to make the kinds of internal changes that cause a change in the thinking...the attitudes....and,finally, the behaviors....
You really need to know this.
When you say..."No romantic relationship, in the near future"....Can you explain what that means? Specifically....?
That is important that you be crystal clear, in your own mind, about that....
because...it is going to come up and can cause a lot of confusion and conflict and affect the expectations that you have...and, what he is going to expect....
that area halfway between "lover" and "friend" can be a very confusing grey area....especially, if you try to go the "friends with benefits" route that some people do try....(not saying that you are).....
Perhaps you could get some counseling, yourself, to help your get clear with yourself, before you talk to him about it.....preferably, someone who has real experience with alcoholism....(not everybody does)....
While putting down the bottle is a necessary and good first step.....it is only that--a first step. His thinking is, naturally, "alcoholic thinking"....so metimes, called, in AA circles, as "stinkin thinkin"...lol.....
Rehab is not a magic cure that is going to render him recovered....
In fact, it takes about 6 months. for their brain to come out of the fog, in a physical sense.
If he grabs hold of the program and works a diligent and intensive program....it will take anywhere from 2-3-5yrs. (depending on who you talk to)...to make the kinds of internal changes that cause a change in the thinking...the attitudes....and,finally, the behaviors....
You really need to know this.
When you say..."No romantic relationship, in the near future"....Can you explain what that means? Specifically....?
That is important that you be crystal clear, in your own mind, about that....
because...it is going to come up and can cause a lot of confusion and conflict and affect the expectations that you have...and, what he is going to expect....
that area halfway between "lover" and "friend" can be a very confusing grey area....especially, if you try to go the "friends with benefits" route that some people do try....(not saying that you are).....
Perhaps you could get some counseling, yourself, to help your get clear with yourself, before you talk to him about it.....preferably, someone who has real experience with alcoholism....(not everybody does)....
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 15
Hi dandylion--thank you for your reply! I know it's extremely early in recovery. I don't expect a miracle overnight. I also don't want a trainwreck on my hands, because the lying especially about the drunk driving just points to out and out denial to me. Shouldn't he at least be able to acknowledge that? Maybe not--I'm really not sure. But it bothers me that he can't. And even out and out clings to the lie.
In my mind, depending on how he does, maybe we could try dating in a year or 18 months. Again, totally dependent on his timeline (and assuming I'm not dating anyone).
I don't think friends with benefits is a good idea, but its something I am afraid of getting pulled into. He is very charming, and I love him very much.
I know I need to back off. I suppose it would be easier if he didn't call/request to see me so much. He has been estranged from his family for a long time, and not unsurprisingly, I am about the only other person in his life. I remind him that his goal is a sponsor and a circle of other recovering alcoholics--and I think that will happen in time.
My sister has worked as a drug and alcohol counselor, and she advocates no contact. She is so super "tough love" in her advice that I find it very hard to follow because I am so dang wishy washy. I have a lot of trouble being ruthless, even for my own good.
I have spent some time with a local counselor as well, but it looks like I could stand a few more appointments.
I appreciate yours and all the replies. I really am trying to do the right thing--for myself first, and with consideration of his circumstances as much as I can. Thank you again. Everyone. I am listening and processing all of your excellent advice.
RB
In my mind, depending on how he does, maybe we could try dating in a year or 18 months. Again, totally dependent on his timeline (and assuming I'm not dating anyone).
I don't think friends with benefits is a good idea, but its something I am afraid of getting pulled into. He is very charming, and I love him very much.
I know I need to back off. I suppose it would be easier if he didn't call/request to see me so much. He has been estranged from his family for a long time, and not unsurprisingly, I am about the only other person in his life. I remind him that his goal is a sponsor and a circle of other recovering alcoholics--and I think that will happen in time.
My sister has worked as a drug and alcohol counselor, and she advocates no contact. She is so super "tough love" in her advice that I find it very hard to follow because I am so dang wishy washy. I have a lot of trouble being ruthless, even for my own good.
I have spent some time with a local counselor as well, but it looks like I could stand a few more appointments.
I appreciate yours and all the replies. I really am trying to do the right thing--for myself first, and with consideration of his circumstances as much as I can. Thank you again. Everyone. I am listening and processing all of your excellent advice.
RB
Last edited by RescueBird; 03-12-2018 at 09:17 AM. Reason: ETA: Counseling is an excellent suggestion.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
I think it is best to be honest with him and while he is in rehab he has the support that he needs to process it. Beyond that is up to him.
He is where he needs to be to take care of himself. You also have the right to do the things that are needed to take care of yourself.
With distance comes clarity.
He is where he needs to be to take care of himself. You also have the right to do the things that are needed to take care of yourself.
With distance comes clarity.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
RescueBird......He has a tremendous journey ahead of him...much bigger that I think most non-alcoholics can really comprehend.
Basically, he has to learn a totally new way of living....and, it takes total commitment on his part....and, most are not able to deal with the responsibilities of a relationship....a healthy relationship, for quite a while.
I think that it is fortunate that you aren't married or have children and financial entanglements to deal with.
He has to learn to live on his own and take care of himself as an adult...befoe he can deal with anyone or anything else....
It is important, I think, for you to comprehend that he does not need your help...He may want it and you may want to give it...but it is not what he NEEDS.
I think that the idea of a year to 18months would be a decent time period before re-evaluating....
I am giving you the following link to our library of excellent articles, for you to begin reading...There are a lot...so, you can read a new one every single day!!...lol...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Basically, he has to learn a totally new way of living....and, it takes total commitment on his part....and, most are not able to deal with the responsibilities of a relationship....a healthy relationship, for quite a while.
I think that it is fortunate that you aren't married or have children and financial entanglements to deal with.
He has to learn to live on his own and take care of himself as an adult...befoe he can deal with anyone or anything else....
It is important, I think, for you to comprehend that he does not need your help...He may want it and you may want to give it...but it is not what he NEEDS.
I think that the idea of a year to 18months would be a decent time period before re-evaluating....
I am giving you the following link to our library of excellent articles, for you to begin reading...There are a lot...so, you can read a new one every single day!!...lol...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My sister has worked as a drug and alcohol counselor, and she advocates no contact. She is so super "tough love" in her advice that I find it very hard to follow because I am so dang wishy washy. I have a lot of trouble being ruthless, even for my own good.
It really comes down to only 2 choices, remain wishy washy, allow him to continue to manipulate your emotions and lie to you, remain unhappy, un-fulfilled and always on guard wondering if he’s drinking again or take a stand for yourself, find a backbone and end this ill-fated relationship.
Wishy washy is what alcoholics bank on!!!!
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 15
I agree with dandylion on the co-dependent partner needing just as much work as the addict. Even with working a strong recovery program and having educated myself I can now see how I slipped into enabling and co-dependent behavior with my AH. After only one week of him being in rehab the clarity I'm getting is astonishing, painful at times as well but ultimately very healing. I think you need to listen to your heart and focus on what YOU need to heal and move forward. Like others have already said, he is in a safe place right now with a good support system so it's more ideal than most situations to deliver tough news.
I've struggled with a similar question myself, I have no desire to leave my husband or go no contact but I would like some space to voice my own feelings and the pain I'm experiencing . After some advice from other awesome people on this site I've decided to write everything in a letter but not send it, almost like a journal exercise (thanks @Maudcat). When I go for family week I will bring it and decide if that is the best time to read it/give it to him, (thanks @Sleepyhollo).
I think it's great that you have started identifying and establishing the boundaries that you need, it's so hard but stick with it. If you haven't looked into already, may I suggest therapy and/or Al-Anon meetings? They have helped me enormously in seeing the other side of addiction. Wishing you strength and peace as you go through this difficult time.
I've struggled with a similar question myself, I have no desire to leave my husband or go no contact but I would like some space to voice my own feelings and the pain I'm experiencing . After some advice from other awesome people on this site I've decided to write everything in a letter but not send it, almost like a journal exercise (thanks @Maudcat). When I go for family week I will bring it and decide if that is the best time to read it/give it to him, (thanks @Sleepyhollo).
I think it's great that you have started identifying and establishing the boundaries that you need, it's so hard but stick with it. If you haven't looked into already, may I suggest therapy and/or Al-Anon meetings? They have helped me enormously in seeing the other side of addiction. Wishing you strength and peace as you go through this difficult time.
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