FreedomCA

Today I finally accepted after 1 month of separation that my marriage is over with my alcoholic and drug addicted husband. My sobriety has been all over the place because I have been unable to stay no contact with him. I told him today that I need to block his calls for my own healing and that he is not welcome to visit tomorrow morning as he had wanted to for whatever reason. I hope that these boards can give me the strength and courage to stay no contact with him because I am emotionally spiraling downward.

trailmix

Hi Freedom,

What a tough time for you, sorry all this is going on. You do sound like you have resolve and that's a good thing!

Having no contact with someone who has been a big part of your life is tough, no two ways about it.

I had to do that once and my approach was breaking it down, kind of like you do with sobriety I guess. Thing is, he isn't "gone", he is alive and well you just want your distance for your own healing.

For me, I decided that I would just not speak to him that day (or that hour or the next two hours), then the next day I would make that same decision. As the days progressed it got easier and easier. I fully intended that if I really wanted to, I would contact him. I also reminded myself that I couldn't really trust this person not to hurt me, but that he was capable at that point of hurting me. I needed to protect myself.

I think it's helpful to see it as protecting yourself and I also think it's helpful to know that you could contact him whenever you want. You are just choosing not to today. Tomorrow you can make that choice again if you like.

It's really important, to find things to distract yourself initially. When you find thoughts creeping in tell yourself no or tell yourself to go do some task, call a friend, post here - whatever works for you.

I found it helpful to have a list on hand of the reasons why I was no longer with this person. All the mean things he did and the way he was. That might not be your situation but a list of the reasons why you are divorcing might be helpful.

Eauchiche

Thanks for sharing, Freedom
My story parallels yours in some ways.
I haven't had a drink in 4 years, and we are divorced.
I am glad you have the support of your AA chapter and us. You have made some very hard decisions.

FreedomCA

So far Day 2 now of my sobriety, and I was able to not contact him yesterday. I already feel a lot better with the no contact since he was intimidating me and putting me down and blaming me each and every time, leaving me feeling anxious.

hopeful4

Good for you.

I just posted on another thread, no new contact = no new hurts.

Your own sobriety and well being have to be #1. The most important of all things. Good for you to reach out. We will walk this with you!

FireSprite

Trying to achieve sobriety while dealing with active addiction in your marriage sounds impossible - it's totally understandable that you would need distance. Hang in there & stay focused on your recovery first & foremost. If you haven't read through the sticky threads in this forum, you might find them helpful too.

FreedomCA

Still feeling better. Thankfully, my husband did not show up at my apt door today as I told him not to, which made it that much easier since I did not have to tell him to leave. I have exchanged my financial disclosure with his attorney and now just am awaiting his. Then hopefully his attorney can draw up a reasonable settlement. We have no kids and no property, so hopefully will be easy. He has asked for alimony despite making more than me, hence the contested divorce. My goal is to continue to heal and move on from this relationship of 8 years as I continue to go no contact and continue to let go of any anger that I feel towards how both his family and him treated me, while continuing to work on my own sobriety with AA and these forums.