AW's Mother Died
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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AW's Mother Died
AW's mother passed away on Monday, due to cancer. AW is a mess, naturally.
I emailed the atty. and the process server and told them to hold off on getting her served - I'm not an a$$ who would serve divorce papers on someone who just lost a parent.
I emailed the atty. and the process server and told them to hold off on getting her served - I'm not an a$$ who would serve divorce papers on someone who just lost a parent.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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WOW, COD!!!
You are in my prayers every day now. I am glad you could hold off on the service of her papers. Imagine her getting both pieces of news in one day.
I understand your sensitivity. We didn't hate our spouses, we just couldn't be married to them any more.
I know I have grieved over the change in my relationship with my ex mother-in-law as much/more than losing my spouse.
God be with you. We are here for you!!!
You are in my prayers every day now. I am glad you could hold off on the service of her papers. Imagine her getting both pieces of news in one day.
I understand your sensitivity. We didn't hate our spouses, we just couldn't be married to them any more.
I know I have grieved over the change in my relationship with my ex mother-in-law as much/more than losing my spouse.
God be with you. We are here for you!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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DS was acting sad this morning when he found out me and AW would be staying home, so he immediately got all sad and said he was sick. I said he should go to school, she disagreed. He is playing on her sadness - and I know this because within a minute of me calling the school, he was no longer sad, nor sick.
I tried to tell AW that he was playing us, but she said no, that he's really sad. He never really knew AW's mother, and she really didn't know how to talk to him or interact with him. If AW would call her mom on the phone, DS would say hi quickly and then go away and play.
AW made the comment this morning that DS is "sensitive and takes on others' emotions and tries to fix things". Now was not the time to say, "Because he is in an alcoholic home and he's already codependent at just shy of 8 years old.
Once I called the school, he quickly became happy and playing.
I tried to tell AW that he was playing us, but she said no, that he's really sad. He never really knew AW's mother, and she really didn't know how to talk to him or interact with him. If AW would call her mom on the phone, DS would say hi quickly and then go away and play.
AW made the comment this morning that DS is "sensitive and takes on others' emotions and tries to fix things". Now was not the time to say, "Because he is in an alcoholic home and he's already codependent at just shy of 8 years old.
Once I called the school, he quickly became happy and playing.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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That's awful COD, I'm so sorry. I was afraid that you might not have had time TO stop the process server - I can't even imagine.
Maybe DS staying home will be good for YOU? A good way for you to distract yourself away when you need to grab a few moments of sanity?
Maybe DS staying home will be good for YOU? A good way for you to distract yourself away when you need to grab a few moments of sanity?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 224
COD, I know how difficult it is to stick to the high road and keep making the next right decision. IMHO, this decision to temporarily hold off on having her served, down the road, is one if your DS ever asks will allow you to continue to hold your head high and you did all within your power to navigate your way out of this unhealthy situation with integrity.
I agree with you, sounds as if he was playing on her emotions to stay home from school. Nothing wrong with taking him in tardy
GM
I agree with you, sounds as if he was playing on her emotions to stay home from school. Nothing wrong with taking him in tardy
GM
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Sorry for your son's loss of his grandmother. He's still young so he may react in a different way than you expect. Being at school is a different atmosphere than being at home with grief around. I was seven when my grandfather died. I was more about ghosts than the loss. The loss didn't hit until later. You did the right thing holding off. The first month and the first year was rough after my mother died of cancer this month last year. Not that you should wait a year.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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It's okay to take care of yourself and your son first, no matter what is going on with the abuser.
The cycle of abuse includes entanglements. There is always something to stay entangled with.
I'm sorry for the loss. I've suffered the loss of my first born child. It absolutely sucks and there is NOTHING anyone else could have done to "help me through it" or ease my pain.
Sometimes things all get piled up at the same time. That happens... timing is never perfect or "good". One month later... two months later... the pain of loss is still there and then another hit comes in? Might as while do things in your own timing now...
The verbal vomit I have heard that says I'm cold-hearted is only from my abusers, not from others who've walked similar paths and finally found recovery.
(((((Hugs)))))
The cycle of abuse includes entanglements. There is always something to stay entangled with.
I'm sorry for the loss. I've suffered the loss of my first born child. It absolutely sucks and there is NOTHING anyone else could have done to "help me through it" or ease my pain.
Sometimes things all get piled up at the same time. That happens... timing is never perfect or "good". One month later... two months later... the pain of loss is still there and then another hit comes in? Might as while do things in your own timing now...
The verbal vomit I have heard that says I'm cold-hearted is only from my abusers, not from others who've walked similar paths and finally found recovery.
(((((Hugs)))))
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Looking back, when things happen all together in a quick timeframe it's been easier for me than when they're strung out.
It's no longer for me to judge what or how someone else is dealing with life. Abuse is abuse and I will no longer sacrifice this life I am living to someone who has again and again abused me.
Part of my ineffective coping strategy was to wait... wait... wait...
And it never made taking abuse any easier.
I did get a bigger awareness of the abuse and cycles of abuse, and it finally came to the point that the "nice" cycle made me just as physically sick once I truly saw it for what it is.
COD, have you called or been to a domestic abuse help center? This is a huge part of my support network. Alcoholism itself is one beast. Abuse is a completely different beast. Combined, it's sooooo much easier to disentangle first, then start healing..... and then... down the road... deal with anything else that needs attention.
Your mental, physical, emotional safety first.
(((Hugs)))
It's no longer for me to judge what or how someone else is dealing with life. Abuse is abuse and I will no longer sacrifice this life I am living to someone who has again and again abused me.
Part of my ineffective coping strategy was to wait... wait... wait...
And it never made taking abuse any easier.
I did get a bigger awareness of the abuse and cycles of abuse, and it finally came to the point that the "nice" cycle made me just as physically sick once I truly saw it for what it is.
COD, have you called or been to a domestic abuse help center? This is a huge part of my support network. Alcoholism itself is one beast. Abuse is a completely different beast. Combined, it's sooooo much easier to disentangle first, then start healing..... and then... down the road... deal with anything else that needs attention.
Your mental, physical, emotional safety first.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by Mango blast 
It's okay to take care of yourself and your son first, no matter what is going on with the abuser.
The cycle of abuse includes entanglements. There is always something to stay entangled with.
I'm sorry for the loss. I've suffered the loss of my first born child. It absolutely sucks and there is NOTHING anyone else could have done to "help me through it" or ease my pain.
Sometimes things all get piled up at the same time. That happens... timing is never perfect or "good". One month later... two months later... the pain of loss is still there and then another hit comes in? Might as while do things in your own timing now...
The verbal vomit I have heard that says I'm cold-hearted is only from my abusers, not from others who've walked similar paths and finally found recovery.
(((((Hugs)))))
The cycle of abuse includes entanglements. There is always something to stay entangled with.
I'm sorry for the loss. I've suffered the loss of my first born child. It absolutely sucks and there is NOTHING anyone else could have done to "help me through it" or ease my pain.
Sometimes things all get piled up at the same time. That happens... timing is never perfect or "good". One month later... two months later... the pain of loss is still there and then another hit comes in? Might as while do things in your own timing now...
The verbal vomit I have heard that says I'm cold-hearted is only from my abusers, not from others who've walked similar paths and finally found recovery.
(((((Hugs)))))
COD - it's never going to be a "good time" to have her served.
Mark my words, once she gets served, you will hear from her, "I can't believe you are taking me to court after my mother just died. You are horrible."
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