Smarie78

I never ever thought of myself as a controlling person. When I picture a controlling person the image I conjure up is bossy, intense, and nit picky. All things that I would never use to describe myself, however, I learned you don't have to be any of these things to have a love affair with control!

I recently took a step back in my career to go to a new industry. The industry is related to what I use to do, but it is a different segment so my role is more support-based until I learn the ropes. This has played well into my ego at times as in my old world I came from a leadership role. I have had to scale back and get comfortable with not being "in charge". I have a group project I am working on now and am noticing that I am struggling in relinquishing control and not being in the driver seat of decision-making. I am on a team with a few folks a bit younger than me and constantly in my head I think "it should be done THIS way", and it nags at me because I don't really get to make the final decision. And the thing is that it is often little things, from the way the team mates presented at a meeting to how they delivered the notes, I just kept thinking "this is not the right way, it should be done like this"...eventhough nothing was particularly wrong with the way they did things. It just wasn't what I deem as the "right" way.

I do okay swallowing these feelings and letting the control go, but boy is it a challenge for me! I just thought it was funny how I nor I doubt others would ever describe me as a controlling person, yet I am coming to realize that is exactly at the root of my problems.

CentralOhioDad

Hi Sis!!! Are we related?? Yeah, I'm like that too... Very much like that, actually.

Ladybird579

I think a lot of us co dependants are. I see myself in what you posted.

2ndhandrose

I feel like my codependency is about my need to control things, all things

And, some of the nicest people I know (raises hand) are total controllers.

SparkleKitty

Yup.

tomsteve

we're usually the last to know.

SmallButMighty

It's a process... you can't un-see things once you've seen them. Can't un-realize things either.

Once we know better we can do better. (Thank goodness!!!)

Glad to see your progress Smarie

FireSprite

Yep, me too.

When I examined it VERY deeply I found a few interesting factoids:

* I don't even LIKE being in control like that - the relief I felt when I finally saw/dropped this habit was tangible.

* I got used to it via having things dumped in my lap to be handled or fixed as a young child (ACoA) & early on in life decided I'd rather "do it right the first time" instead of wasting time following behind someone else & fixing it.

* The secondary driver to this habit was that in the ABSENCE of someone being in control, I will step up simply to avoid being a passenger on a train headed off the tracks.

When I stepped away from this in my FOO - planning holidays, etc - everything ground to a halt very quickly because no one had a clue what to do in the absence of me running the show & them no longer able to just abdicate that power over to me & sit in judgment as I tried to execute it.

The pressure was always on me (& fully off them) in ways I never understood until I clearly saw this part of myself - this is a Big Deal Smarie... congrats!

CentralOhioDad

I always thought (and continue down this path today, unfortunately) that "stuff needs done, so go get sh*t done!"

trailmix

It is a big deal!

I know i'm controlling. What I learned a while ago is that it's ok and I don't fight it.

That said, I don't try to control others. What they do is what they do, I seriously try not to judge. They are all grownups and are making their own decisions based on what they want and what they are. I'm good with that.

As an example, I need a clean kitchen. Lots of people don't. I used to say to them - the kitchen, you need to tidy what you do blah blah blah

Ok that's MY schedule, my thoughts, my agenda. I now know if I want something done I just do it and try not to have any resentment about it. I'm working to my time-table, what I want, nothing to do with anyone else.

Also, when I am asked for advice or give advice, take it or leave it. I don't attach an expectation to it.

Is my thought process on all this perfect, absolutely not! It's something I have to be mindful of.

I'm glad you brought this up today actually : )

FireSprite

... and now I'm all like, "that'll still be there tomorrow."

I started to categorize those things just like I do tasks at work - is it urgent? or important but not urgent? What's the real penalty for not doing this right now? What gains can I be making on other areas (self-care, education, family time) if I let this thing go?

It helped me see the shades of grey on my never-ending To-Do lists & slowly step away from the guilt of "not doing" all the time.

CentralOhioDad

Oh, I'm in the mode of non-stop doing all the time: walk the dog, feed the dog, plan meals, make dinner, do laundry, put away laundry, pay bills, do the dishes, etc., etc., etc.

dandylion

I can't remember where, but I remember reading the different ways and styles that control can present itself. It made a big impression on me....
It isn't always the stereotypical. bossy leader or the unrelenting nag.
It often shows up, in relationships as the opposite....like in the martyr, for example...or the compliant people pleaser/fixer....
And...the one that I hate the very worst....the passive aggressive manipulator. I hate that one (my mother was the poster child)...When a person is a really good passive aggressive manipulator...you never know it...until you feel the knife in your back...and, wonder how it got there...? (of course martyr has a lot of passive aggressive in it)....

I think that it mostly comes from our young years....when we had to find some way to have some control over our environment...so, we happened o n what seemed to work for us at that time....to help us survive, at that time....
Of course,,,I think that living with addictions just brings it out a lot more...as we struggle, once again, to deal with the impossible.....

One of my favorite examples was the Mother on "Everybody Loves Raymond"...a total control freak.....sooo funny!

Smarie78

I love reading about all your experiences! It sounds like you really know its root Fire/trailmix. I am just baffled that my idea of being controlling use to be so different. I sometimes think so much of it is rooted in anxiety. If things aren't "just so" everything is ruined says my brain. Just the way I remember trying to control the addict in my life. Do it THIS way and you will give ME the results I NEED. Now the hard part is that in most instances it was true for him too. If he did it THIS way, he may have a chance at sobriety. The problem with that however is that I was still trying to control him. Trying to control his actions for an outcome that I felt was BEST. Trying to make him be a present dad and do things the way I needed him to do them so that I would have someone who would fit with me. It came from a good place as I really rooted for him and wanted him to succeed, but it was still me trying to force my will onto him. Because if he couldn't be sober and do the things Smarie needs him to do, she's lost control and SHE doesn't get the serenity she is putting on him to give to her.

In this case, if my team mates decide to write the notes out one way, I don't get to control how they are received. That needs to be ok. If I deem it truly *not* okay that's much like a relationship where the option is always there to leave. Now of course I don't think I will be quitting on some meeting notes Might take a bit more!

hopeful4

Raising my hand....me too friend!

Smarie78

very true dandy! I am definitely the people pleasing martyr. I like your theory on its development in our younger years. I was bullied quite a bit in school as a child and developed some very poor views of myself as a result. The bullying was done by boys so it really made sense when I saw myself struggling with sex addiction later in life. I somehow had to "right" it all and prove to the boys who were now men, that I WAS desirable. I took my new found prowess into an environment I could finally control.

Phew...that's a lot of psychology for me today. lol

trailmix

I think in terms of addiction it can be very confusing. We see it here time and again:

A: Alcohol is ruining/controlling my life!

Partner of Alcoholic: You need to stop drinking and join AA/go to rehab/find a good out patient program.

A : You're right, I do need to, I'll go to a meeting tomorrow/look for a rehab/find a good out patient program.

Partner: Yay! We are on the same page, we both want this for the A!

A: Continues to drink

Partner: I thought you were going to AA yesterday/Looking for a rehab/finding a great out patient program??

A: Stop nagging me!

That's a tough one. On the one hand you are on the same page. Many alcoholics want to quit, they want what you want, to not be drinking, to have a better relationship to have peace and happiness in their lives.

I think it must be hard to back away from that goal when you have this person you care about saying, YES - I want what we are talking about. Then, in many cases it ends up in frustration and you being "controlling". It is tough, I can see that.

Smarie78

You hit the nail on the head. That did add another layer because he really did want to get sober and went to meetings, read the Big Book, but just could not stop. I am in no way absolving him of being able to make a choice to stop, but I do think his addiction was so powerful and severe I am not sure he could, at least not without inpatient or something. So yes, it was tough to both be on the same page but me being easy to say "just stop". I always use to say, it would have been much easier if he told me he really just didn't want to quit and was doing it for me.

Loneshewolf13

This. Totally me. if holidays didn't fit the picture perfect image of how I thought it should go I'd be devastated, if AH didn't do and say the things I thought he should I was disappointed and so on. It wasn't until I starting realizing that I have NO CONTROL over anyone other than myself and I started giving myself a break by decreasing my expectations of others. If you don't have grand expectations of how things "should" be then you won't be disappointed when it doesn't go that way.

Spinner-007

I couldn't agree more on this. I do see YOU in what was posted

JK!

..but seriously folks...I would think all cody's have that issue. It's either what's got us into the relationships that we have, or we became like this while in it with an addict.

Either way, I'm learning to let go and just let God...