Roseb123

Hello I am new to this form and this is my first post so I'm not sure if this is where I need to be. In any event I had a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend of over 1 year, we would travel back and forth to see each other. I knew he had a drinking problem but tried to stick it out with him. He would drink almost every weekend and I would either get phone calls or text messages with passive aggressive behavior. More recently when I was there to visit him we were at a show, sitting next to each other, he had only had a few drinks in him when apparently my knee had touched his leg a few times and that annoyed him, and he said so. The next night we were at an upscale restaurant having dinner and once again, apparently my knee hit his leg.... he reached under the table, grabbed my leg and shoved it twice away from his. When I asked him later what that was all about he said "your knee kept hitting my leg and it was annoying me"... at that point when he said this, he had a lot to drink. Once when he was sober and we went to the movies, he was annoyed that I was eating popcorn during the movie and told me so. He openly admits that he is not happy in life & hes mad at the world. Now Fast forward to a few days ago and he says he wants out of the relationship because HE hasn't been happy in a few months, claiming that he feels like he's doing things out of obligation for me rather than excitement and that's not right.... He blames me for a lot of the disagreements are arguments during the course of the relationship. I'm a happy person I have a good job, I have a nice home life, good family and friends support and he tells ME that I am the one who's not happy??All his friends that he hangs around with drink until they can't see straight. That's his way of life, that's his way of escaping his unhappiness yet I'm the one who is bringing him down. I can't wrap my head around him dumping someone like me. Has anybody here been dumped by an alcoholic boyfriend who claims that they are the problem and doesn't see their drinking as an issue? Of course I talked to a few of my friends, one who is a recovering alcoholic (and he is also my exboyfriend's close friend), who tells me that it's not me it's my ex bf, and whether or not he's drunk at the time when he says ridiculous things its still the effect of the alcohol because alcoholics personalities, even when they aren't drunk still are affected from the alcohol because they're NOT drinking. Huh?
Few weeks ago when he and I were together he admitted that he was anxious and on the edge but said once he got a beer in him he should be fine.
How can I feel good about myself when I've been dumped by an unhappy alcoholic man who doesn't have a good outlook on life?

BlownOne

Hi Rose. Trying to understand the alcoholic mind is an exercise in futility because while we're in active alcoholism our minds don't work the way the normal person's mind does. We don't think straight, even when we're not drinking because we don't know how to. Untreated alcoholism warps our perspective and removes us from reality and seeing ourselves and others as we really are. That's why everything he did was so baffling to you. He's not working in reality and he won't be until he begins to recover (if he ever chooses to at all). So believe me when I tell you, it's not about you being 'less than'. It's about him being lost in the alcoholism.

Bekindalways

Welcome Rose. I'm glad you found us.

Unfortunately alcoholics don't make much sense. We call what they say quacking. His behavior is very typical of a drunk and super painful to deal with. Alcoholics typically complain and blame. This is just what they do. Unfortunately you didn't cause it nor can you cure it.

There are quite a few on this site who were dumped by an alcoholic even though by any rational thought they were "the catch". Some were even paying the bills for the alcoholic.

Generally unhealthy people attract unhealthy people and healthy people are attracted to healthy people. You may very well be too healthy for this man. Take it as a compliment!

AnvilheadII

since he is unhappy and you two have not been getting along well, the breakup seems like a good idea for everyone involved.

breakups happen. all the time. that he is also an alcoholic is really secondary.

BlownOne

breakups happen. all the time. that he is also an alcoholic is really secondary.

Very good point!

SmallButMighty

Rose, I'm sorry you are hurting. Break ups suck. Even when it's what you know you want to do or need to do, it still sucks and is very painful. Allow yourself the space to grieve for the relationship, but ( like the others said) don't ever expect to understand the mind of an alcoholic. Many of us here spent years, even decades, living with alcoholics and suffered some pretty severe damage to ourselves because of that. You may very well have dodged a bullet here.

I know you are sad and confused. I'm sorry.

*hugs*

Learning14

This!! Read over and over again if you are doubting yourself. ☺♥

CentralOhioDad

'Stick it out', why?

[/QUOTE]He would drink almost every weekend and I would either get phone calls or text messages with passive aggressive behavior.[/QUOTE] But you wanted to stick it out? Why? What were you gaining from this?

[/QUOTE] More recently when I was there to visit him we were at a show, sitting next to each other, he had only had a few drinks in him when apparently my knee had touched his leg a few times and that annoyed him, and he said so. The next night we were at an upscale restaurant having dinner and once again, apparently my knee hit his leg.... he reached under the table, grabbed my leg and shoved it twice away from his. When I asked him later what that was all about he said "your knee kept hitting my leg and it was annoying me"...[/QUOTE] Sounds like you annoy him in many ways. Not saying you are annoying, he's just annoyed with you.

[/QUOTE] He openly admits that he is not happy in life & hes mad at the world. Now Fast forward to a few days ago and he says he wants out of the relationship because HE hasn't been happy in a few months, claiming that he feels like he's doing things out of obligation for me rather than excitement and that's not right...[/QUOTE] He's unhappy with you, and all of life, which sounds undesirable, and he doesn't want to be with you.

[/QUOTE]He blames me for a lot of the disagreements are arguments during the course of the relationship. [/QUOTE] This is what alcoholics do - blame everyone else.

[/QUOTE]All his friends that he hangs around with drink until they can't see straight. That's his way of life,[/QUOTE] And you want to be associated to this long-term?

[/QUOTE] I can't wrap my head around him dumping someone like me.[/QUOTE] Because he's an alcoholic, and alcoholics make no sense whatsoever.


[/QUOTE]How can I feel good about myself when I've been dumped by an unhappy alcoholic man who doesn't have a good outlook on life?[/QUOTE] It's called a blessing, dear. If you were dumped by Prince Harry, that's one thing. You were "dumped by
an unhappy alcoholic" who has a sh*tty outlook on life!! Take the present and go the other way!!

COD
( I need to figure out how to 'multi-quote!! ) Geesh

SparkleKitty

Rose, would you feel better about yourself somehow having been dumped by a healthy individual who really has his act together?

Try to re-frame this, in your mind. A very sick and unhappy person pushed you away. Rather than blaming yourself for not being able to be his cure for unhappiness recognize that we are all responsible for our own happiness, and that just because some was too sick to appreciate you, does not make you unworthy of appreciation. You deserve an attentive and healthy partner, and it doesn't sound like this person was capable of being that for you at this time.

Challenger2013

[/QUOTE]How can I feel good about myself when I've been dumped by an unhappy alcoholic man who doesn't have a good outlook on life?[/QUOTE] It's called a blessing, dear. If you were dumped by Prince Harry, that's one thing. You were "dumped by
an unhappy alcoholic" who has a sh*tty outlook on life!! Take the present and go the other way!!


I think a lot of us wish we had been “dumped” long ago!

CentralOhioDad

How can I feel good about myself when I've been dumped by an unhappy alcoholic man who doesn't have a good outlook on life?[/QUOTE] It's called a blessing, dear. If you were dumped by Prince Harry, that's one thing. You were "dumped by
an unhappy alcoholic" who has a sh*tty outlook on life!! Take the present and go the other way!!


I think a lot of us wish we had been “dumped” long ago![/QUOTE]

Yes!!! I wish my AW had just left long ago, would have made life so much nicer, and calmer.

atalose

My normal response to a statement like that would be, boy that’s some ego talking there but a relationship with an alcoholic is anything but normal. And yes it’s hard to understand why someone like you is not “the one” for someone like him.

Ever hear the expression – water seeks its own level? Like bekindalways said, healthy people attract healthy people. Un-healthy people attract un-healthy people.

Alcoholics often blame others for their own shortcomings. As hard as a break up can be I hope in time with this one you can see that you dodged a bullet here. And more importantly do some real soul searching on why knowing he had a drinking problem you made the (un-healthy) choice to “stick it out”. That almost sounds like a form of torture but bearable torture because you gained something from it. What did you gain from it?

Sleepyhollo

Break ups are no fun but I am pretty sure you dodged a bullet. I get that this is probably very hard to understand and accept right now but it probably saves you many years of heartache and unhappiness. Had I known then what I know now I probably would have not married my H. But I was naïve and he was a good guy. But alcoholism is progressive and will only get worse. He is unhappy with life and the only way he knows how to cope with that is through alcohol. It is only going to get worse. And he takes it out on you because you're an easy target. My RAH had admitted several times that he made sure that I would also feel like crap when he was feeling like crap and that he made it as unpleasant for me as possible when I would talk about his drinking. Which is why it was very hard to address. It took less and less time each time I confronted him but it took several times/years until I was at a breaking point myself.
Like COD said, take the present and run the other way. Even though we certainly have had happiness in our relationship looking back at it there was still a lot wrong with it and the years took a toll on me emotionally and the relationship was severely damaged. And my H was far from being the way your ex was treating you when we were dating. He was treating you like already not sure why you want to stick it out. You cannot fix him, as much as we all believed we could at some point. You can't fix him or even help fix him and you have no control over what he does. Read up on codependency because a lot of us that are in these types of relationships continue to be in these types of relationships until we realize we have to change as well because until we do our personality is such that we are drawn to people like that because we want to take care of people and help them and in the process tend to neglect our own needs.
Once you're in it is hard to get out for most people, at least not until things get out of control. There are much better people out there that will appreciate you for who you are.

ScaryTime

It's called a blessing, dear. If you were dumped by Prince Harry, that's one thing. You were "dumped by
an unhappy alcoholic" who has a sh*tty outlook on life!! Take the present and go the other way!!


I think a lot of us wish we had been “dumped” long ago![/QUOTE]

Yes!!! I wish my AW had just left long ago, would have made life so much nicer, and calmer.[/QUOTE]

I wish my AH would dump me! Would save me a lot of angst!

Learning14

I only dealt with 4 months with my AF/roommate. Thank you Jesus my "give a d@mn got busted" in that amount of time. It was 4 months too long.

totfit

I think you should be grateful. Don't take anything to heart about yourself when it relates to a confused individual. Someone that is unhappy with life cannot be made happy by another person. Happiness is an inside job. Sounds like you are much better off in your live circle anyway that becoming involved in his. Things would likely get much worse, which would not be your fault, but he might try and convince you otherwise. Don't look back and enjoy your life.

Roseb123

Thank you, that really makes sense and I've been hearing this same thing over and over thank you.

Roseb123

Thank you

Roseb123

I wish I had only invested four months of my time with this guy but unfortunately it's been well over a year. I know there's people on here that have invested a lot more time in the same situation. I do feel as though he did me a favor by saying he wanted out. I was actually the one who brought up the situation by saying "hey I have a gut feeling that you don't want me around anymore is this true?" he said it's not working for him... that he was doing things for me out of "obligation instead of excitement and that's not right." Whatever that means.

Roseb123

[/I]

Yes!!! I wish my AW had just left long ago, would have made life so much nicer, and calmer.[/QUOTE]

I wish my AH would dump me! Would save me a lot of angst![/QUOTE]

I absolutely agree that it is a blessing. A friend of mine who is recovering alcoholic and has been sober for 4+ years now explained a lot to me. And funny enough the recovering alcoholic is a friend of my ex-boyfriend's. I said "if I can't make an unhappy alcoholic happy how can I make anyone happy?" My friend said "you're looking at this from the wrong angle, it's not you it's HIM... he's not happy with life so he drinks he's not happy with work so he drinks, etc. My ex even admitted that he's angry all the time.