The Final Goodbye
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
The Final Goodbye
I said my final farewell this past weekend to my husband of over 30 years. His memorial service was held on what would have been his birthday.
Something amazing has happened that I never dreamed would ... all the years of pain and unhappiness have washed away and have been replaced with a tremendous sense of loss .... my mind is filled with so many memories of what he had been once. He had been strong, responsible, smart and capable of doing about anything he set his mind to doing - a person who took care of other people .. helped them ... not the person who eventually became helpless. The strong capable person was who he really was... underneath all the irrational behavior that slowly consumed him as he became overwhelmed by his addiction to alcohol.
He just didn't die this past month ... he had been dying a little bit each day for years. I stood by for years trying in vain everything I could to save his life ... and eventually realized that I faced a force far more powerful that anything or anyone in this earthly world. I realized I could not save him ... and my only choice was to may sure he did not destroy 3 other people while he was destroying himself - so it became necessary he live elsewhere while I tried to repair the damage as best I could to his children. He was still a part of our family, but we could only spend time together when he was sane enough to be with us.
Not just a life was lost... but a lifetime was lost... many years of happy memories were replaced with tears, confusion, lies, chaos, misery and anger. Year after year, I watched the person I married slowing dying in both spirit and body ... and this past Saturday the final chapter of his life was written with his family saying goodbye for the last time ... and missing the man he once was. He is now finally at peace.
Something amazing has happened that I never dreamed would ... all the years of pain and unhappiness have washed away and have been replaced with a tremendous sense of loss .... my mind is filled with so many memories of what he had been once. He had been strong, responsible, smart and capable of doing about anything he set his mind to doing - a person who took care of other people .. helped them ... not the person who eventually became helpless. The strong capable person was who he really was... underneath all the irrational behavior that slowly consumed him as he became overwhelmed by his addiction to alcohol.
He just didn't die this past month ... he had been dying a little bit each day for years. I stood by for years trying in vain everything I could to save his life ... and eventually realized that I faced a force far more powerful that anything or anyone in this earthly world. I realized I could not save him ... and my only choice was to may sure he did not destroy 3 other people while he was destroying himself - so it became necessary he live elsewhere while I tried to repair the damage as best I could to his children. He was still a part of our family, but we could only spend time together when he was sane enough to be with us.
Not just a life was lost... but a lifetime was lost... many years of happy memories were replaced with tears, confusion, lies, chaos, misery and anger. Year after year, I watched the person I married slowing dying in both spirit and body ... and this past Saturday the final chapter of his life was written with his family saying goodbye for the last time ... and missing the man he once was. He is now finally at peace.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
What a wonderful and loving testament to all the good in a man you loved and who contributed to your life. I am an alcoholic myself and I commonly refer to my drinking days as "dead girl walking". I am glad your husband is no longer suffering.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I believe when we remember them, we see them in their glorified bodies. I am glad you remember him well. My father in law died and it occurred to me then, he was nearly deaf, had a leg amputated after a complication from a stroke. In his last years, he couldn't be in crowds because the noise was droning, it hurt his ears, later he was wheelchair bound and miserable with his dependence. At his service, I thought of him and it occurred to me that he was standing, hearing and smiling. I knew that he had recieved his glorifed body. I think it hits you to your core that you see in the memories eye who was. Who he was meant to be. You remember the good that was there. I hope someday we will see them again glorified in heaven. It was and is a disease.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Please accept my condolences in you & your families tragic loss. Please allow yourself the time you need to grieve & feel all the realm of emotions that are associated with the death of one so close to you for such a long time.
((hugs to you & yours)),
Rita
((hugs to you & yours)),
Rita
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
I'm so sorry Seeking. Your post, although sad, was very touching.
This disease is rapacious. It consumes you while you're still breathing. That, and every one around you that cares about you.
*hugs*
This disease is rapacious. It consumes you while you're still breathing. That, and every one around you that cares about you.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
First........hugs and prayers to you and your family.
Also, thanks for posting. You put into words how I feel about the A in my life (he just divorced me;we have also been together 30 years). The kids and I could not live like that any more and he chose to divorce but we are still involved as a family with our boundaries. It is like watching a light slowly go out in his soul. Sorry about your husband's death but glad he is now at peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Also, thanks for posting. You put into words how I feel about the A in my life (he just divorced me;we have also been together 30 years). The kids and I could not live like that any more and he chose to divorce but we are still involved as a family with our boundaries. It is like watching a light slowly go out in his soul. Sorry about your husband's death but glad he is now at peace. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
May he rest in peace and may you find peace also. He is perfect now and no longer haunted by that pain that only alcoholics can understand. I hope more of them can find peace here in life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Thank you all for your kind responses.
This has been a much more painful experience than I ever dreamed it would be. All I can remember is the man he used to be .. that I slowly, helplessly and tragically watched slip away... and finally realizing there was not a thing I could do to stop it. As I prepared his photos for a tribute, I kept looking at his images from years past as a much healthier, stronger man ... loving, holding, swimming, skating, and doing school projects with his beloved children ... but even his love for them wasn't enough to stop this disease from devouring his soul. My sons are now without their father... he won't be there for their birthdays, Christmas, graduations, marriages or to see the birth of his grandchildren. I will spend the rest of my life trying to help my children get to know the man their father used to be ... the good traits he once had that they were too young to remember .. instead of the confused, sickly man that always smelled of alcohol ... that ended up dying in jail while serving time for his first DUI. This was not the man from years ago that had boundless energy and stamina ... and with a sharp mind and incredible memory ... that earned people's respect and admiration ... instead of the disdain and contempt that was directed towards him years later. I have never felt more connected to my husband than I have these last few weeks ... I have finally found the perspective needed to understand our life long connection ... and why I stayed with him despite all the problems. It is not something I would necessarily recommend for others ... but I am glad I was there for him in the end to help him in his final days, and my kids knowing this sickly man was still worthy of my love and concern. I so dearly hope he is now well and whole... and in a better place watching over us again ....
This has been a much more painful experience than I ever dreamed it would be. All I can remember is the man he used to be .. that I slowly, helplessly and tragically watched slip away... and finally realizing there was not a thing I could do to stop it. As I prepared his photos for a tribute, I kept looking at his images from years past as a much healthier, stronger man ... loving, holding, swimming, skating, and doing school projects with his beloved children ... but even his love for them wasn't enough to stop this disease from devouring his soul. My sons are now without their father... he won't be there for their birthdays, Christmas, graduations, marriages or to see the birth of his grandchildren. I will spend the rest of my life trying to help my children get to know the man their father used to be ... the good traits he once had that they were too young to remember .. instead of the confused, sickly man that always smelled of alcohol ... that ended up dying in jail while serving time for his first DUI. This was not the man from years ago that had boundless energy and stamina ... and with a sharp mind and incredible memory ... that earned people's respect and admiration ... instead of the disdain and contempt that was directed towards him years later. I have never felt more connected to my husband than I have these last few weeks ... I have finally found the perspective needed to understand our life long connection ... and why I stayed with him despite all the problems. It is not something I would necessarily recommend for others ... but I am glad I was there for him in the end to help him in his final days, and my kids knowing this sickly man was still worthy of my love and concern. I so dearly hope he is now well and whole... and in a better place watching over us again ....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: london
Posts: 13
I am sorry for the loss, for both you and your boys. I hope time will heal the pain and allow you to recover .
your experience is one that I have often felt is inevitable for my exah ,I know that it is only a matter of time . I hope that I can face it with the dignity and compashion that you appear to have .
xxxxalison30xxxxx
your experience is one that I have often felt is inevitable for my exah ,I know that it is only a matter of time . I hope that I can face it with the dignity and compashion that you appear to have .
xxxxalison30xxxxx
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
In Memory
In reality we never lose the people we love.
They become immortal through us.
They continue to live in our hearts and minds.
They participate in our every act, idea and decision.
No one will ever replace them, and in spite of the pain, we are richer for the years we shared with them. (unknown)
Caring understanding hugs
In reality we never lose the people we love.
They become immortal through us.
They continue to live in our hearts and minds.
They participate in our every act, idea and decision.
No one will ever replace them, and in spite of the pain, we are richer for the years we shared with them. (unknown)
Caring understanding hugs
Mom of Teen Alcoholic
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 23
What a kind soul you are, Seeking....your children are SO fortunate to have you for their mom. Whether we want to or not, our kids are very observant of the example we set, and coping with the death of a spouse has to be the most challenging time we'll ever encounter.
Like you, I found myself reviewing the memories I had of my Aex-husband. I remembered the times when he was still strong and attractive and healthy, and I am still astounded at the dramatic change that his alcohol addiction caused over the course of his last two decades. Like another poster said, alcoholism 'consumes you while you're still breathing' and IMHO, that is devastatingly accurate.
Even sadder is the fact that his sudden decline in health (which ultimately lead to his death) was most likely due to his own futile attempts to kill The Demon (stop drinking) on his own. His body had grown so accustomed to the regular ingestion of large amounts of alcohol that it couldn't handle being without it. Mentally, he was still strong enough to quit, but by then his body wouldn't let him...
When I think of all the years he'd spent 'in the bottle'...and what he could have done with those years had he not been an alcoholic...*shaking head*...
My Aex's accomplishments were few...in all honesty, he couldn't even accurately describe himself as a 'good' father, but he did the best he could.
The alcohol sucked the life out of his life...it drained away his strength, energy, and brainpower...it demanded that all other concerns be subservient to it...and eventually, it took him. Now that he is gone, it seems even more of a shame that he wasn't able to get the help he needed to get well....
How are your children coping, btw?
Like you, I found myself reviewing the memories I had of my Aex-husband. I remembered the times when he was still strong and attractive and healthy, and I am still astounded at the dramatic change that his alcohol addiction caused over the course of his last two decades. Like another poster said, alcoholism 'consumes you while you're still breathing' and IMHO, that is devastatingly accurate.
Even sadder is the fact that his sudden decline in health (which ultimately lead to his death) was most likely due to his own futile attempts to kill The Demon (stop drinking) on his own. His body had grown so accustomed to the regular ingestion of large amounts of alcohol that it couldn't handle being without it. Mentally, he was still strong enough to quit, but by then his body wouldn't let him...
When I think of all the years he'd spent 'in the bottle'...and what he could have done with those years had he not been an alcoholic...*shaking head*...
My Aex's accomplishments were few...in all honesty, he couldn't even accurately describe himself as a 'good' father, but he did the best he could.
The alcohol sucked the life out of his life...it drained away his strength, energy, and brainpower...it demanded that all other concerns be subservient to it...and eventually, it took him. Now that he is gone, it seems even more of a shame that he wasn't able to get the help he needed to get well....
How are your children coping, btw?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Dixie
Posts: 612
Your post has moved me so much, that I have printed it. I plan to give it to my recovering AH when I visit him for the first time tomorrow. Your husband has finally found the peace he was constantly searching for at the bottom of a bottle. I am deeply sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.
twingram
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: south heights
Posts: 10
As I sit here in tears I want to say Thank You to seeking wisdom for such a beautiful and moving post and to let you know that, I too will print this, along with all the other posts on this page, and this very day I will give it to someone I know who is in desperate need of help, before his family is in your shoes. I pray it will save him,Thank You so much and I'm so sorry for your lose. Diane (recovering Alcoholic)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Box of Chocolates
Posts: 14
Bump/Thank You
Thank you SW for this thread. I've been seeking the motivation to stop but never can shut the "devil" in my head up when he says to pick up the bottle again "just one more time." I've been married 20 years and I can tell I might be lucky to fight through for another 10 if I don't change my ways--none of that matters though if my kids model my behavior someday. Ugh!
This thread is so good for those of us under the influence because it shows us how our loved ones feel and the consequences of our addiction on the most important people in our lives. It is bad enough to ruin our own lives but dear God please let this thread be the motivation I need to turn the corner for myself--and therefore my family.
Thank you again for taking the time to share with us. I plan to link this thread over with the newbies...if it saves just one of then maybe there will a silver lining in this terrible tragedy...
This thread is so good for those of us under the influence because it shows us how our loved ones feel and the consequences of our addiction on the most important people in our lives. It is bad enough to ruin our own lives but dear God please let this thread be the motivation I need to turn the corner for myself--and therefore my family.
Thank you again for taking the time to share with us. I plan to link this thread over with the newbies...if it saves just one of then maybe there will a silver lining in this terrible tragedy...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Box of Chocolates
Posts: 14
oops...
Oops...the last sentence in my post should have been:
"...if it saves just one of us, then maybe there will a silver lining in this terrible tragedy...
By leaving the word "us" out, it changed the meaning and made little sense...it was too late to edit though by the time I caught it...
"...if it saves just one of us, then maybe there will a silver lining in this terrible tragedy...
By leaving the word "us" out, it changed the meaning and made little sense...it was too late to edit though by the time I caught it...
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Seeking Wisdom, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't comprehend how hard this is for you and your family! With your husband at peace prehaps you can find peace now, too.
Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you all!
Blessings, Cheryl
Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you all!
Blessings, Cheryl
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