How do you deal with an alcoholic boyfriend breaking up with you?
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Originally Posted by Sleepyhollo 
Break ups are no fun but I am pretty sure you dodged a bullet. I get that this is probably very hard to understand and accept right now but it probably saves you many years of heartache and unhappiness. Had I known then what I know now I probably would have not married my H. But I was naïve and he was a good guy. But alcoholism is progressive and will only get worse. He is unhappy with life and the only way he knows how to cope with that is through alcohol. It is only going to get worse. And he takes it out on you because you're an easy target. My RAH had admitted several times that he made sure that I would also feel like crap when he was feeling like crap and that he made it as unpleasant for me as possible when I would talk about his drinking. Which is why it was very hard to address. It took less and less time each time I confronted him but it took several times/years until I was at a breaking point myself.
Like COD said, take the present and run the other way. Even though we certainly have had happiness in our relationship looking back at it there was still a lot wrong with it and the years took a toll on me emotionally and the relationship was severely damaged. And my H was far from being the way your ex was treating you when we were dating. He was treating you like already not sure why you want to stick it out. You cannot fix him, as much as we all believed we could at some point. You can't fix him or even help fix him and you have no control over what he does. Read up on codependency because a lot of us that are in these types of relationships continue to be in these types of relationships until we realize we have to change as well because until we do our personality is such that we are drawn to people like that because we want to take care of people and help them and in the process tend to neglect our own needs.
Once you're in it is hard to get out for most people, at least not until things get out of control. There are much better people out there that will appreciate you for who you are.
Like COD said, take the present and run the other way. Even though we certainly have had happiness in our relationship looking back at it there was still a lot wrong with it and the years took a toll on me emotionally and the relationship was severely damaged. And my H was far from being the way your ex was treating you when we were dating. He was treating you like already not sure why you want to stick it out. You cannot fix him, as much as we all believed we could at some point. You can't fix him or even help fix him and you have no control over what he does. Read up on codependency because a lot of us that are in these types of relationships continue to be in these types of relationships until we realize we have to change as well because until we do our personality is such that we are drawn to people like that because we want to take care of people and help them and in the process tend to neglect our own needs.
Once you're in it is hard to get out for most people, at least not until things get out of control. There are much better people out there that will appreciate you for who you are.
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Originally Posted by atalose
My normal response to a statement like that would be, boy that’s some ego talking there but a relationship with an alcoholic is anything but normal. And yes it’s hard to understand why someone like you is not “the one” for someone like him.
Ever hear the expression – water seeks its own level? Like bekindalways said, healthy people attract healthy people. Un-healthy people attract un-healthy people.
Alcoholics often blame others for their own shortcomings. As hard as a break up can be I hope in time with this one you can see that you dodged a bullet here. And more importantly do some real soul searching on why knowing he had a drinking problem you made the (un-healthy) choice to “stick it out”. That almost sounds like a form of torture but bearable torture because you gained something from it. What did you gain from it?
Ever hear the expression – water seeks its own level? Like bekindalways said, healthy people attract healthy people. Un-healthy people attract un-healthy people.
Alcoholics often blame others for their own shortcomings. As hard as a break up can be I hope in time with this one you can see that you dodged a bullet here. And more importantly do some real soul searching on why knowing he had a drinking problem you made the (un-healthy) choice to “stick it out”. That almost sounds like a form of torture but bearable torture because you gained something from it. What did you gain from it?
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
since he is unhappy and you two have not been getting along well, the breakup seems like a good idea for everyone involved.
breakups happen. all the time. that he is also an alcoholic is really secondary.
breakups happen. all the time. that he is also an alcoholic is really secondary.
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Originally Posted by BlownOne
breakups happen. all the time. that he is also an alcoholic is really secondary.
Very good point!
Very good point!
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Originally Posted by Roseb123
Not sure why anyone would think that the alcohol would be secondary when in fact the reason we weren't getting along is because he was always drinking and starting arguments. He said he's unhappy in general and always angry, in general..
YOU don't like the alcohol part, but you state he is unhappy/angry/annoyed "in general" - so he laid it out for you.
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How can I feel good about myself when I've been dumped by an unhappy alcoholic man who doesn't have a good outlook on life?
why shouldnt you feel good about yourself? did you feel you could make him happy?you were dumped by someone that doesnt like himself- i dont think thats something to be too upset , but theres much deeper going on in you.
you should feel good because he did you the favor of sparing you any more gloom,dispair, and agony. it didnt read like the long distance relationship was very enjoyable anyways.
theres some very good reading at the top of this forum- in the stickies. it would be wise to take a look up there and do some reading,rose.
his alcoholism being secondary is pretty much the same for you- the breakup is secondary to what is going on internally- a mentally,emotionally healthy person wouldnt get into a relationship with a practicing alcoholic.
why shouldnt you feel good about yourself? did you feel you could make him happy?you were dumped by someone that doesnt like himself- i dont think thats something to be too upset , but theres much deeper going on in you.
you should feel good because he did you the favor of sparing you any more gloom,dispair, and agony. it didnt read like the long distance relationship was very enjoyable anyways.
theres some very good reading at the top of this forum- in the stickies. it would be wise to take a look up there and do some reading,rose.
his alcoholism being secondary is pretty much the same for you- the breakup is secondary to what is going on internally- a mentally,emotionally healthy person wouldnt get into a relationship with a practicing alcoholic.
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And I didn't know that he was this" heavily" into drinking until the relationship went on further. Hence the reason why "I stuck it out with him".
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Originally Posted by atalose
Ok and once you realized he was heavily into drinking then what? If the drinking was the core issue all along what made you stick around? If the relationship turned into you giving everything and him giving arguments and fights, what made you continue to stick around?
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He's an alcoholic who started arguments quite frequently not sure why this would be secondary when it's the primary reason of the break-up
you were willing to put up with his drinking, his unhappiness, his less that stellar treatment of you......but what you do not like is that he BROKE UP with you. instead of just accepting that the other party no longer wanted to continue the one year/long distance dating-ship, you are seeking other reasons WHY he would do that.
it didn't work out. both of you had a choice to continue or end things at any point. however once one party says it's over, it's OVER.
you were willing to put up with his drinking, his unhappiness, his less that stellar treatment of you......but what you do not like is that he BROKE UP with you. instead of just accepting that the other party no longer wanted to continue the one year/long distance dating-ship, you are seeking other reasons WHY he would do that.
it didn't work out. both of you had a choice to continue or end things at any point. however once one party says it's over, it's OVER.
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I stuck around because I really didn't know how bad the drinking was and at times he would say he was sick of drinking and would want help. So I had high hopes... I know that's stupid to believe but I don't have any experience with alcoholics. Once I figured he was drinking heavily it was hard to leave him, because, as you probably will suspect... it's hard to leave someone you love and to turn your back on someone who says or at least claims they need/want help.
Often on SR and in the rooms of 12 step recovery you hear – what was your part? Meaning it’s not always all the alcoholics fault for our hurt and pain, we play a pretty big role in that as well. We are naïve about addiction, we ignore red flags, we minimize their unacceptable behaviors and we over invest ourselves into what usually turns out to be a dead end relationship.
Learning as we go through life from our own experiences can be enlightening. As I said before I hope you reach a place in your healing where you can see that yes in fact this guy did you a big favor by ending this relationship, look at it as a loving and kind and caring thing he did for you because you are a good person!!
It’s going to hurt for a while but the more positive self-talk you can tell yourself the better and farther along the healing process will work.
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Originally Posted by Roseb123
Yes... seemingly I was his favorite punching bag as well.
I want to say that I am sorry you're hurting. Please know that I have compassion for your broken heart. That said, your thread is entitled "how do you deal with an alcoholic boyfriend breaking up with you?"
My answer: CELEBRATE! He sounds awful.
I would encourage you to explore why you would even waste more of your precious moments on earth for someone so undeserving of you. Pushing away your knee, really? You're a special, wonderful, human being. Please start believing you are and looking for someone who treats you as such. If you actually WANT to be with this person, then I encourage you to explore why your expectations of a partner are so low....Start looking inward and stop caring what that fool thinks/does/acts....he's in the rear view.
And again, GOOD riddance to bad rubbish.
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How can I feel good about myself when I've been dumped by an unhappy alcoholic man who doesn't have a good outlook on life?[/QUOTE] It's called a blessing, dear. If you were dumped by Prince Harry, that's one thing. You were "dumped by
an unhappy alcoholic" who has a sh*tty outlook on life!! Take the present and go the other way!!
I think a lot of us wish we had been “dumped” long ago![/QUOTE]
^^
This.
I'm sorry that it's been painful for you. His behavior is a form of abuse.
an unhappy alcoholic" who has a sh*tty outlook on life!! Take the present and go the other way!!
I think a lot of us wish we had been “dumped” long ago![/QUOTE]
^^
This.
I'm sorry that it's been painful for you. His behavior is a form of abuse.
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Originally Posted by Roseb123
How can I feel good about myself when I've been dumped by an unhappy alcoholic man who doesn't have a good outlook on life?
Some are real page turners, too.
I'm not intending to make light of your heartbreak. I know it's real. Been there, done that.
But if you know what I know about being married to an addict, have a few kids with them, and still dealing with all that FUN?
If I were you, I would send that guy a 'Thank You' card and mark that day as your personal 'Independence Day' holiday for you to celebrate every year for the rest of your life.
You can call it 'Dodged That Bullet' day, and celebrate it with a cookout, horns and fireworks!
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Rose,
I do not say this to minimize your pain, but girl you dodged a big, ugly painful bullet. A year was already wasted on someone who didn’t love you the way you deserve.
Your recovering alcoholic friend is right. Alcoholics who are active in addiction are not right in the head. They won’t make sense. Not to you, often not even to themselves. You know why an alcoholic seems off even when they’re not drinking? Because in active addiction, an alcoholic is either drinking or wanting a drink or planning how they’re going to get their next drink. Everything else, even things that really matter like partners and jobs and friendships... everything else has to share headspace and often is on the back burner compared to that obsession with drink.
I used to live in that headspace, and it’s no picnic. You don’t deserve to be sucked into that.
I do not say this to minimize your pain, but girl you dodged a big, ugly painful bullet. A year was already wasted on someone who didn’t love you the way you deserve.
Your recovering alcoholic friend is right. Alcoholics who are active in addiction are not right in the head. They won’t make sense. Not to you, often not even to themselves. You know why an alcoholic seems off even when they’re not drinking? Because in active addiction, an alcoholic is either drinking or wanting a drink or planning how they’re going to get their next drink. Everything else, even things that really matter like partners and jobs and friendships... everything else has to share headspace and often is on the back burner compared to that obsession with drink.
I used to live in that headspace, and it’s no picnic. You don’t deserve to be sucked into that.
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Originally Posted by Roseb123
How can I feel good about myself when I've been dumped by an unhappy alcoholic man who doesn't have a good outlook on life?
My late AH treated me poorly much of the time. I was too cowardly and too proud to leave. Even treating me badly, I figured he loved me *the best he could.* It wasn't a very good effort. It wasn't effective. It WAS his personal best at that point of his life.
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