SimpleOwl

First time posting here! I've been reading a lot of the posts on this site and you all seem like a great community.

My situation is that my husband is currently in AA wanting to be sober, but can't/won't stop drinking. He hides it from me and lies about it, but is constantly beating himself up because he cant seem to stay sober. He is always apologizing, saying I deserve better, etc. It's a lot of intense ups and downs.

This is all incredibly confusing to me. I know that I cant control it, although I have tried! I have recently been to an alanon meeting and plan to go to more, but I'm having a hard time knowing the right way to respond to him in the moment. Today, I left our house and am staying at my parents because he was incredibly inebriated and I honestly just have a hard time being around him in that state. How do you all handle those situations? I just got an incoherent text from him saying how there's got to be a way for him to get better (I think?) and that he loves me and its breaking my heart.

Bekindalways

Welcome to Soberrecovery Simpleowl. I'm glad that you have found us.

In many ways, it doesn't matter how you respond to him specially if he is drunk. What does matter is how you care for yourself, detachment and working on your own issues.

He may figure out sobriety or not. More will be revealed. It is good to have a plan for yourself if he doesn't achieve sobriety.

Big hug to you lady!

FeelingGreat

Well done on leaving the scene. It was rational and non-confrontational. Of course it's not a long term strategy.

The thought that popped into my mind was whether there's a chance for him to go to rehab? Getting away from his usual haunts and habits may be the break he needs. The fact that he's going to AA shows he is willing to admit he has a problem and at least try for some type of support.

There's also the fact that he hasn't reached that tipping point where he is desperate and motivated enough to stop. Successfully sober people often get to a stage where the motivation to stop drinking becomes very strong and makes their attempts much easier. They still go though all the pain of changing from drinkers to sober, but the motivation carries them through. This was my experience. It's also common that the breakup of a relationship is what gets them there. Unfortunately its often too late for the other partner.

For your sake, make some plans about your own support. Al-anon is a great idea, as well as practical things you can do, like getting your financial arrangements in place so you have some options in the future. You might think about quarantining insurance and debt. You haven't said if there are any concerns about him driving drunk, or spending too much etc, but these are practical matters you can consider.

maia1234

So, Welcome. Great questions. It looks like you have made some wise decisions about not being around a drunk. I use to leave in the middle of the night and sleep in my car so I didn't have to deal with a drunk.

Keep reading around this forum. Hit an alanon or open aa meeting . Seek out an addiction therapist that can help you. This is no longer about him, it's about your well being, the crazy spouse of the alcoholic. Lots of help for us and let him figure this out on his own. Hugs, stick around.

PrettyViolets

I liked the book Getting Them Sober volume I. It was a good book about setting boundaries.

I look at it like you do not want to bail him out or enable his behavior.

Let me give you an example. At the beginning of our marriage, my husband called me when we were separated and living in different places late at night and said that he locked his keys in his car and wanted me to come get him. I could tell he had been drinking. I told him that I would not help him and hung up the phone. (Honestly, this was tough. This is freakin Seattle in not the best of neighborhoods. I really did not know if he was going to make it through the night. I set a boundary that I was going to let him fall-you got yourself in the situation, you get yourself out. ) The next day, I actually found out that he got a motel room and eventually got his keys from his car.

dandylion

SimpleOwl......you said that he is currently in AA....but you didn't say how much or how intensely he is practicing the program. I have known alcoholics who went to AA every day for the first 90 days...and, sometimes, more than one meeting a day. They also had a sponsor that they worked with and called if they were tempted to drink....and they worked very hard to apply the principles a day at a time....The program was the very center of their lives...because they were DESPERATE to stay sober.....
Now, of course, the sheer number of meetings is not the only factor...A strong desire to be sober for each day, is necessary.....
For those who are as you describe your husband....half measures do not work....

I am going to give you the following link to an article from our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....
Are you familiar with our library of articles--contained in the "stickies" at the top of the forum??

Here is the particular article that I am talking about--I think it is a good yardstick for knowing how ready they are for recovery.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

another question....would he go to rehabilitation? Does he need to be detoxified?
You may need to take some decisive actions...but, it sure would help if we had more information about your particular situation....
going to alanon is a good first step, because you are going to need as much support as he does....

DontRemember

Keep going to your meetings and I hope he keeps going to his. It took me being court ordered to AA to get through the door. My exAgf and I were both heavy drinkers,but I was not happy with the way I felt anymore and was looking for a way out. I'd go to my meetings,get my slip signed,listen/talk,ect..but I wasn't ready yet.. I think it was about 2-3mo into two(mandatory) meetings per week that I went a third time "just because". I went to a speaker meeting on a weekend night,instead of going to the bar. There were a few meetings where I'd have vodka mixed in my cup too in there..but I kept going..I'm a bit over a year sober now,but it's a lot of hard work. I've never took the 'steps' with a sponsor, I'm probably on step 3, if I were asked,but I now use those other steps and principles in my life. This site has been great too! Wish I'd have listened when I 1st joined. /Ramble off/...Work on you and he works on him and see how it goes.

SimpleOwl

Hi Dandylion, he just got himself a sponsor and does go every day but hasn't been able to get past step one yet. I believe he is in denial about the amount of control alcohol still has over him ("just one shot of vodka wont hurt, right? it just gives me a little relief" ). He was in rehab in March and says he does not want to go back because he believes it wont help....I guess I didnt go in to his issues as much because I believe I've been focusing too much on him and not on my reaction. I 100% agree with what you said about half measures not working. I want to scream that at him, but...I dont think thats healthy :-/

Thanks so much for linking the article and mentioning the library. Lots to still read! So encouraging to wake up to these replies

SimpleOwl

FeelingGreat, He went to rehab in March, but does not want to go back again as he believes it wont help. He doesn't have a job and I control 100% of our finances, so I've got the spending under control. I do worry about him driving drunk, however.

I appreciate what you said about the tipping point. I'm at a point now where I dont know if separating would be the best thing to do or not. He does want recovery and communicates that every day and I want to support that....but he's still drinking. I worry kicking him out would lead to homelessness and just make things even worse. At least at home, he said he wants to get better....I dont know.

Thanks to all of these replies! Theres a lot to think about...

biminiblue

Well, he has the life, doesn't he?

Do you know for a fact he's going to AA?

Must be nice to have a warm bed and someone else taking care of all the adult responsibilities. Where do I sign up? No job, too? That sounds like alcoholic paradise. Why is he not working?

I think I'd first of all give him the choice. Get a job within 30 days or this is your eviction notice. *then hand him the papers*

AnvilheadII

if you have 100% control of the finances, how is he affording alcohol?

dandylion

Simpleowl....I am sorry to say...but, his attitude toward treatment doesn't bode well for him grabbing on to genuine recovery....not at this point, anyway....
I wouldn't hold my breath, if I were you....
What kind of future you have is in your own hands....our happiness is really up to us....because if we don't put ourselves first...nobody else is going to....

Keep reading and learning...and, get to some alanon meetings...
do you have a counselor? You need support as much as he does....

SimpleOwl

Dandylion, you are right. I really cant imagine my life without him, but I've been reading a ton since I left and I am afraid that my "support" has just been enabling. For his sake and my own, something needs to change. Whether I set strict boundaries or he leaves is something I need to decide on.

SimpleOwl

biminiblue- He's not currently working because his past career was in the restaurant industry and it was was not very conducive to his recovery (to put it lightly!) after rehab. We mutually agreed it was time for a change. He's currently volunteering for Hospice and getting certifications to help him find work in a new field. He's always been a really hard worker, so that's not something I'm particularly worried about at the moment. ..I say all that because "no job, lazy guy" isnt really something that normally describes him- (he's had no problem drinking and working at the same time!)

But I agree with your sentiment nevertheless. I'm lost at the moment because it almost feels too soon to be kicking him out...or is that just me in denial of my own enabling?? I love him and it's hard to see past just wanting to be there and help him. But I know I cant.

NYCDoglvr

What Step 1 ("powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable") means is if I pick up a drink I can't stop and have no control over what happens.
Alcoholics can't have one drink, non alcoholics can.