hearthealth

I'm drowning and it feels so bad. He doesn't drink. He is better than he was. I'm not happy. How can I leave now that he's sober and it is better? How can I explain my decision to my children most of all. I'm so ashamed to be such a waffler. Why can't I be happy just because it's better? His big conversation of the night. I cut squares on my half and he likes triangles on his half. Like this is what I want to discuss tonight? Shouldn't I be happy he strikes up a conversation? I don't want a divorce but this is so hard. For number of reasons it's never a good time....but it never will be. Maybe if I can hold out until their eighteen.
I called up disabled MIL this week and offered to pick her up for children's event. Which I'm happy to do for my children. I really don't expect anything from my MIL but yet I see the inequality of the emotional involvement. Sorry for the rant. This is just getting to the point to which I can't deny my life.

SparkleKitty

hh, you deserve a present, engaged partner. Now that your husband is sober, you may be realizing that even without the drinking, that is not who he is. It is okay to want more from your marriage. It's okay to accept that you may never get it from him. Instead of worrying about preserving the status quo, what if what you modeled for your children was treating yourself with respect, with love, and with gentleness, and with going after what you want rather than settling for what you have?

AnvilheadII

How can I leave now that he's sober and it is better?

because you are free to leave the relationship at any time.

if you are not free, you are enslaved.

many find after their partner does get sober, that all the issues still exist.

Wamama48

I do understand how you feel in a way. There are so many things that seem to pop up after they stop drinking that we never expected. Sometimes the emotional and mental toll on us is worse than when they were drinking! Now he has stopped, but there is probably a huge lack of trust for you, and many years of resentment and anger and disappointment. Those don't just get poured down the drain with his last beer. So many conflicting emotions, its hard to know what to do when your head is spinning and your heart is broken. I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

Maudcat

I don’t think hanging on til the kids are 18 will help, hh.
Cuz then there will be college to pay for, and so on, and so on.
You don’t want to divorce, but you don’t like your life and, I would assume, your right now not drinking husband.
I don’t have answers. I wish I did.
I have left a marriage where I wasnt happy. Alcohol was not involved.
I had a small child.
I would do it again.
Life is too short.

trailmix

I don't have any answers either.

You say, why can't you just be happy with how things are, they are better. Better than what? Better than having a Husband that's drinking all the time? Well I guess that might be.

Thing is, that's pretty hard to get excited about. I've seen it posted many times that once someone gets sober they are good! Well that's done - now everything just moves on like I didn't drink and rage and abuse my family for 2 years, or 10 years or 20.

So being sober is a crumb. You have a crumb.

By no means am I downplaying your Husband's effort here in being sober, I just wonder, is that enough?

If it's not you only have two choices, try to fix it - tell him how you are feeling - work on it - or move on. Either way you need to look out for yourself. Do you attend Al-Anon or any support groups?

When you feel like you are nearing breaking point you probably are! Will you fall to the floor and be hauled off to the asylum? Probably not, but having a break-down is no picnic either.

Sleepyhollo

HH I can so relate to you. I often feel like I'm the only one. My H has been sober and doing really well over 16 months now, I should be happy. He has been ready to move forward since he got out of rehab. I however am not, at least not in the way he wishes. I feel like the last 2 years of his addiction really killed the relationship for me. I can barely have a conversation with him. We have been doing weekly mariage counseling (plus I do individual counseling weekly as well) for the past year. It's been slow going since I have such a block when it comes to sharing emotions and a wall that is 10 foot high around me when I have to share that with him. He blew up at me 4 months ago and I guess in a way that was helpful. Up until that point he was really doing this tit for tat thing with me. He is finally realizing that it really isn't fair to expect me to be ready to move in l as than a year (well it was less then). It has always been about him and it really continues to be so. Everyone is so impressed with how he is doing and i think most of them don't understand why I can't just move on. And i admit he has done a stellar job with his recovery this time and I'm not worried about him going back to drinking. I know that wasn't an easy feat at all so I'm proud of him for doing that. But I just can help but feel it came too late for me, so much resentment and anger. It has gotten better but the feelings jsut aren't there. My kid is 7. That why I'm still here. I will not stay for her sake however because then I will have wasted 10 years of my life and I am no spring chicken. The last few months things have calmed down and I'm actually glad. I had been gone for a month this summer and within 12 hours he to,d me that he felt that i had already resolved to get out. I came home late and was super jet lagged. Give me a break. Anyway, had we split up then things would've been very ugly. I feel like I'm still working through a lot of stuff myself and I need to get to the point where it either works out if I can leave without too much guilt. I need to feel like I really make the right decision for me whatever decision that is. And right now I'm not at a point where I can make that decision. So I stick around for now. But I won't do this for 10 more years. I'm not happy, I can't live like this for 10 more years, it would not be healthy. My kid would be crushed but right now I'm not thinking about what I would tell her because I'm not there yet. I don't want divorce, I don't want a broken family but then again, were really not much of a family right now anyway. And in the long run this will not be good for her either. And as much as I'd like to run (because I'm an avoider ) it isn't the right decision at this point. It is so hard. I do feel bad for my husband because he is doing so well and he does not want to lose this marriage. On the other hand, he didn't take it really seriously until I was ready to walk out. I have to mostly think about myself and quit trying to worry about everyone else but in this case (as in the marriage ) it is so complicated because it is a major decision. I now realize that even though we have certainly had happy times and a wonderful daughter, I probably haven't been truly happy. I'm still working on figuring out what it is that really makes me happy besides my kid.
Anyway, I think only you know when you're done. And you don't have to make any rash decisions. It is so hard for us to make a decision based on what makes us happy. Because it's something most of us have done very little of.
I've only been on here a few weeks but I have found some very helpful threads on here that are helping me sort through why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling and that im not the only one and that I'm not unreasonable for having those feelings. I've been with my H for almost 16 years, with several,failed attempts at sobriety. I never realized how much I really suffered until he went to rehab and it was no longer a secret.

dandylion

hearthealth.....your first allegiance should be to yourself. You are entitled to that. If you have no contentment in your heart and soul....you are not good for anybody..not for yourself, not for your children, and not for anyone else....
All of the talk about "loving yourself"....THIS is what it is about..at the bottom line. If you are not entitled to happiness...what are you entitled to?
In my opinion--any relationship that required that you sacrifice your own basic happiness to be in it...is much worse than no relationship, at all.
You have the right to leave a marriage for any reason that you want to...Marriage is a voluntary contract...You are free to enter it if you want to and free to leave it if you want/need to....
The way I see it...you are not happy in your marriage because it is not meeting your basic needs as a human being......and, you can try to force the square peg into the round hole as much as you can...but it will never work....all that will do is to drag you further and further down....
I do think that you have co-dependency issues (based on following your threads for a long time)....because you place your husbands happiness and his needs and wants/desires/demands and pathologies before your own self---and, that of your children.
Your husband is who he is...and, you can't change that. I know that you have thought that the drinking was the only issue and that if he put down the bottle--all would be cured....but, I think you can, possibly, begin to see that this is not so....?
Someone, here, posted a comment that I really liked....I think it must come from AA circles---"A jackass rarely becomes a petunia".....

You don't have to "explain" all of this to your children. They shouldn't have to deal with such adult material. They need a mother who is happy within herself and who is willing to be in charge of their best welfare.....they take their security and their cues from you. You are their role model and their example....the one to provide them a nurturing environment to grow up in, and keep them safe.
Remember the saying...it is better to come from a broken home than to live in one....

FeelingGreat

HH you've never given the impression that you like him in your posts. Lots of partners of As say they still love them, but are forced out of the marriage to protect themselves, but you just had a lot of disdain for him.

Now he's sober and 'better' you still feel the same way. Would it be naive to suggest you talk frankly to him that it's not working for you and never will? Is he capable of co-operating with you in a reasonably polite separation?

hearthealth

Thank you for responding. I slept in a separate room last night. It was the best sleep I got in a few days. He has not said a word. I will have to say something. I will get through it I just don't know how.

Spence7471

HH,

I understand where you are in life. My wife will be coming back from her rehab/transitional living in a month. I am filled with questions like: will she be the same person that I fell in love with? Will I be the same person that she fell in love with? How will the family dynamic be? Loving? Awkward? On edge?

All I can do is wait and see... and work on me.. finding things that I enjoy doing, regardless of whether my partner will be involved. That is the first step I would take... make sure you are doing things that make you happy. And in the end, if a separation/divorce is what it comes down to, then so be it... do not live life in the shadow of fear or unhappiness... at least not for very long.

T

hopeful4

Sending many hugs your way friend!

Blueskies18

I'm writing this completely from my point of view because I think I will likely be in the same boat as you in a year from now. If my husband stays sober when he gets out of rehab, I am guessing (with no experience whatsoever) that he will need to continue being self involved to continue dealing with his addiction for years , and perhaps there won't be a big change as far has the regard he gives me. I have always told myself that I don't need to make any decision urgently unless it's urgent. Also, as long as I'm doing what interests me, dancing, yoga, the gym, going to school, hiking, bubble baths etc. I'm not wasting my time delaying a decision. And finally, what I have just learned (and I turn 50 next week), is to have friendships that are mutual, (not ones where I am their personal councellor always available...) so I have to first find them, and then force myself to share my feelings a little bit, and be willing to ask for help. This last part is hard for me, but I am already feeling the benefits.

Ladybird579

Many people get divorced without alcohol ever being a feature. In the past you have said he was verbally and emotionally abusive to you and your children. You don't sound like you actually like him very much and that's OK. It's OK to not like him or want to be with him. So he's stopped drinking..whoopteedo. He's still not what you want and if he's white knuckling the drinking will start again at some point. Sometimes things are just too little too late. Sometimes drink is blamed for how they behave until you see their personality without it and realise actually they aren't that nice anyway. Sometimes there is nothing left. it's all ashes and nothing you can do will save it. I doubt your kids will be that upset if you split cos he never been very kind to them. The situation now must be a massive strain on them. Don't be like me. I stayed until my kids grew up and I bitterly regret it now. I wasted 20 years of my life on a man who deserved nothing from me. I ruined my mental health in the process and am too old and too broken to ever be with anyone else. My kids? They hate me for staying to the point 4 have cut me off forever. It's never a good time. I ended up divorcing with a house half remodelled, an animal rescue with 46 rabbits in the back garden and 8 children on the cusp of college or at university but I did it. We got through it. You can too.

SmallButMighty

Divorce sucks. So does living with someone you are not compatible with. And as much as divorce sucks, feeling alone when you are in the same room with your partner sucks even worse.

Sending strength and clarity your way.

hugs

CentralOhioDad

Agree

hearthealth

Thank you again for all your contributions. Pieces of what each person has said have made me think about what I have been through.

I will not sleep in the same room. I need to decide more things. I feel like asking him to move out. Though, he is planning to have surgery soon. It's been almost a year of my life and he hasn't really changed. This is who he is until he decides to take more action.

I've begun reading The New Codependency by Melody Beattie. There's a crafting class I want to take. Always thought of selling my creations. Working out and eating healthy, maybe this will help.

aliciagr

I havent looked at your previous posts, but based on what you wrote here I will reply. If your not happy then there are reasons why. Have you explored your feelings in depth and possibly with the help of a therapist?

I separated from my husband twice during his period of addiction. it was out of necessity for my safety and sanity. But even during those times I still was emotionally attached and felt love for him. I wanted to work on our marriage. He wanted to work on our marriage. We spent a lot of time together in couples counseling and we worked through the issues that were keeping us apart. There were things we needed to do both as individuals and together as a couple to get there.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Being honest with myself and with my husband was the first step towards a solution.

Sidenote. I was actually told by individuals that my husband who was newly in recovery couldnt focus on family issues. But this is something that must be decided on an individual basis. We were encouraged to do family therapy by his doctors as part of the recovery process. The strain of marital issues affected both of us.

Spence7471

Just want to expand on something aliciagr said....

"We were encouraged to do family therapy by his doctors as part of the recovery process. The strain of marital issues affected both of us. "

This is so true, and it is a vital part of my recovery... not necessarily her's. My wife is in a safe place, getting lots of meetings and surrounded by people like herself... I on the other hand am having to deal with the carnage of what has happened and continue with life... no bubble for me. So the family therapy sessions are a way for me to peer into my wife's bubble and still make me feel like we are a couple. Addiction is a very selfish disease, but so can be the recovery. It is important that you be part of your spouse's recovery... but in a healthy way... family therapy could be that.

T

hearthealth

I had a thought of writing a letter to MIL. H is a mommy's boy. I realize that letter written has more to do with me than her. I don't think she is capable to be there for me. It would do no good as a solution to change this situation. It also could fan the fire. It is so hard when you want a change but have to sit on your hands and continue without a relationship.