hearthealth

Thank you for your replies about therapy. Individual therapy or couples therapy is not an option while married.

hopeful4

I guess I don't know what that means, individual or couples is not an option while married? Why is that?

Hope4chng

I can really relate to what you are feeling. My husband has been sober for two months now but I'm still not feeling better about the situation. I expected a transformation. I expected a different person. But I'm trying to remind myself that it is probably too early to decide for certain whether or not we will stay together or divorce as I'm learning through this site and through my therapist that recovery takes a long time and true recovery looks different form sobriety. But, at the same time, staying sober will allow him to focus on the real issues in his life and will allow me the time I need to change and disconnect myself from his disease. I have given myself the right to decide at any point in time that I am done, and you should allow yourself the same opportunity. I'm not sure how long it's been, but if you've given him this chance to show you who he really is and you are unhappy, it's not worth staying. And I know that is a huge decision when you have kids. Mine at 7 (twins) and 3 and I've thought.. maybe I'll just wait until they are grown to leave, but that's not fair to me and it's not fair to them. I need to set an example of how to lead life to the fullest.

Spence7471

HH,

I have written many a letter to my wife... most of which never got sent and never will. It is a form of therapy for me....

Write the letter to the MIl the letter, then burn it... it may make you feel better.. it may not.. you will not know till you try.

Best wishes and stay strong.

T

honeypig

hh, I'd like to share this nugget from my "Wisdom of SR" folder w/you:

Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.

honeypig

And I'd also like to share something that another SR member directed me to some time ago. It's written by Liz Gilbert, the author of "Eat Pray Love", a book you may have read and a movie you may have seen. I found it very powerful when I first read it, and it loses nothing in the repetition:

Dear Ones -

Most of us, at some point in our lives (unless we have done everything perfectly...which is: nobody) will have to face a terrible moment in which we realize that we have somehow ended up in the wrong place — or at least, in a very bad place.

Maybe we will have to admit that we are in the wrong job. Or the wrong relationship. With the wrong people around us. Living in the wrong neighborhood. Acting out on the wrong behaviors. Using the wrong substances. Pretending to believe things that we no longer believe. Pretending to be something we were never meant to be.

This moment of realization is seldom fun. In fact, it's usually terrifying. I call this moment of realization: NOT THIS. Because sometimes that's all you know, at such a moment.

All you know is: NOT THIS. Sometimes that's all you CAN know. All you know is that some deep life force within you is saying, NOT THIS, and it won't be silenced.

Your body is saying: "NOT THIS." Your heart is saying: "NOT THIS." Your soul is saying: "NOT THIS."

But your brain can't bring itself to say "NOT THIS", because that would cause a serious problem. The problem is: You don't have a Plan B in place. This is the only life you have. This is the only job you have. This is the only spouse you have. This is the only house you have. Your brain says, "It may not be great, but we have to put up with it, because there are no other options." You're not sure how you got here — to this place of THIS — but you sure as hell don't know how to get out...So your brain says: "WE NEED TO KEEP PUTTING UP WITH THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS ALL WE HAVE."

But still, beating like a quiet drum, your body and your heart and your soul keep saying: NOT THIS...NOT THIS...NOT THIS.

I think some of the bravest people I have ever met were people who had the courage to say the words, "NOT THIS" out loud — even before they had an alternative plan.

People who walked out of bad situations without knowing if there was a better situation on the horizon.

People who looked at the life they were in, and they said, "I don't know what my life is supposed to be...but it's NOT THIS." And then they just...left.

I think my friend who walked out of a marriage after less than a year, and had to move back in with her mother (back into her childhood bedroom), and face the condemnation of the entire community while she slowly created a new life for herself. Everyone said, "If he's not good enough for you, who will be?" She didn't know. She didn't know anything about what her life would look like now. But it started with her saying: NOT THIS.

I think of my friend who took her three young children away from a toxic marriage, despite that fact that her husband supported her and the kids financially...and the four of them (this woman and her three children) all slept in one bed together in a tiny studio apartment for a few years, while she struggled to build a new life. She was poor, she was scared, she was alone. But she had to listen to the voices within her that said, NOT THIS.

I think of friends who walked out of jobs — with no job waiting for them. Because they said NOT THIS.

I think of friends who quit school, rather than keep pretending that they cared about this field of study anymore. And yes, they lost the scholarship. And yes, they ended up working at a fast food restaurant, while everyone else was getting degrees. And yes, it took them a while to figure out where to go next. But there was a relief at last in just surrendering to the holy, non-negotiable truth of NOT THIS.

I think of friends who bravely walked into AA meetings and just fell apart in front of a room full of total strangers, and said, NOT THIS.

I think of a friend who pulled her children out of Sunday School in the middle of church one Sunday because she'd had it with the judgment and self-righteousness of this particular church. Yes, it was her community. Yes, it was her tribe. But she physically couldn't be in that building anymore without feeling that she would explode. She didn't know where she was going, spiritually or within her community, but she said, NOT THIS. And walked out.

Rationally, it's crazy to abandon a perfectly good life (or at least a familiar life) in order to jump into a mystery. No sane person would advise you to make such a leap, with no Plan B in place. We are supposed to be careful. We are supposed to be prudent.
And yet....
And yet.
If you keep ignoring the voices within you that say NOT THIS, just because you don't know what to do, instead...you may end up stuck in NOT THIS forever.

You don't need to know where you are going to admit that where you are standing right now is wrong. The bravest thing to say can be these two words.

What comes next? I don't know. You don't know. Nobody knows. It might be worse. It might be better. But whatever it is...? It's NOT THIS.

ONWARD,
LG

dandylion

I think it is fair to mention that there is a school of thought...and many therapists who feel that couples/marriage therapy is not appropriate if one of the partner's is abusive (including mental abuse)...or, with a very narcissistic personal or sociopathic personality.
It can put the "victimized" partner is a more damaging situation. The playing field is not level...
In those situations...individual therapy is usually recommended.....

It is my own observation and belief that not ALL marriages/relationship can or should be "saved"......

lol...I have been in a bad marriage...and, I have been in a great marriage...
There is nothing worse than being unhappy in a bad marriage....
And, I think that being in a good marriage is a wonderful thing....

hearthealth

My husband does not believe in therapy. It's quackery in a sense to him. It was very stressful living in the secrecy of therapy. EOB and receipts would come to the house and I worried after each session.

CentralOhioDad

Are you on his insurance? Can YOU pay the deductible is any questions arise?

hopeful4

Have you looked into other resources? I used therapy from a women's shelter for a period of time. If you have ever been emotionally or physically abused you qualify, no questions asked. It was completely free. You don't even have to give them your real name if you don't want to.

You deserve to do some things that will give you some peace and well being friend.

hearthealth

I had interviewed for volunteering at a DV and was never called back. Now, when I call they don't return my call.

I am on his insurance. Even when I pay the deducible a paper trail is mailed.

SmallButMighty

I am so sorry. It is sad and upsetting that you would have to hide doing something that is so very healthy for you , from your husband.

My exhusband didn't believe in therapy either. His family believed in never airing the private family business.

hugs

aliciagr

I know what you mean. My inlaws became involved with my husbands situation. I dont want to criticize them but will just say that his mom was highly emotional and most of the time she did not help either of us. His dad seemed to be better with support, but he was living with her and things always managed to get stirred up again in unhelpful ways. But I also dont regret informing them of the severity of the problem because as a parent I would want to know if my son was having problems with drugs/alcohol/emotions/mental health/physical health.

Ive come to realize much depends on the dynamics of the relationship, and the coping skills of family members. If you already feel his mom might not be helpful and possibly harmful then I think you have your answer.

My family has been helpful however. They just handle things differently. No judgement or blame placed on either of us, but they are good at listening, sharing thoughts, asking questions that make a person think and look inside for the answers. And always hugs when I need it.

AnvilheadII

My husband does not believe in therapy. It's quackery in a sense to him. It was very stressful living in the secrecy of therapy. EOB and receipts would come to the house and I worried after each session.

and if you just went to therapy anyways and didn't try to keep it a secret..........what would happen?

hearthealth

Sarcastic, condescending complaining of the wastage of money. The quackery comments. I've heard it with the children's therapy that he does know about.

hopeful4

I don't mean volunteer friend. I mean show up, tell them you need some counseling. You can also see about setting up EOB's to be paperless only, and you can have a log in separate that he cannot access, that you have a privacy concern. Believe me, the insurance company has to comply with HIPPA, regardless of who is paying the bill or owns the policy. I work with insurance. Give them a call and explain you have privacy concerns about your claims and want to know how to protect yourself.

trailmix

I am saying this with compassion, I hope it comes across that way.

It honestly sounds like you've been brainwashed. What difference does it make what he thinks about therapy? You are not forcing him to go. He is not your Father, your boss, the slave owner. He is your Husband, a person in the world that has zero authority over you.

Now, if you are of the belief system that he does have authority over you, I would recommend you run, far far away from him because this is not someone you can trust with running your life.

If you are just too scared of him to risk therapy - again run, far far away.

You mentioned you offered to volunteer at the DV center, how about just showing up there and asking for some help? What about Al-Anon?

AnvilheadII

Sarcastic, condescending complaining of the wastage of money. The quackery comments.

THAT is what is stopping you? what he MIGHT say about a future event that is in YOUR best interests? if so, then he really has you under his control - and that is so beyond unhealthy. you will forego counseling for yourself to avoid words he has yet to speak.

do you still fear HIM and what he might do besides just quack?

hearthealth

I dont mean volunteering but after that I wonder if when I call they see me as a request to volunteer instead of someone who needs help.

I never thought of just showing up but then there's a face to my request. I am more scared of dealing with his tantrums then in feeling he ruled the household. Though, his behavior is domineering even if he states he's not domineering. He wants me to keep pestering a service man.Requests like that I've come to just ignore.

Done4today

Who cares if he sees it? You are improving your health. Sounds like you need therapy, need to set boundaries, and get yourself back.

Good luck