I'm drowning
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by hearthealth 
I dont mean volunteering but after that I wonder if when I call they see me as a request to volunteer instead of someone who needs help.
If you are scared of him that's a huge deal hearthealth. It could be because he is so domineering that he has just worn you down?
Did you know that you can get online help 24 hours a day in chat/by phone?
The National Domestic Violence Hotline ? The Hotline
CALL US
Our advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) in more than 200 languages. All calls are free and confidential.
I got that link from the stickies here in this forum: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html (About Abuse)
You should never have to be afraid in your own home. This probably seems kind of normal to you now after a number of years. It's not normal.
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hearthealth....if you ever need a "cover story".....you can always just say that you are attending a woman's self improvement course or a woman's self improvement group......(not a lie...lol).....
You could say that about alanon, also.....
Just in case you ever need it---tuck it into your hat....
You could say that about alanon, also.....
Just in case you ever need it---tuck it into your hat....
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Anything that would take me away from housework would not be allowed. It is wasting time. As long as I can be home before him and the children return home and the housework is spotless. Unless maybe it's a domestic hygiene class.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by hearthealth
Anything that would take me away from housework would not be allowed. It is wasting time. As long as I can be home before him and the children return home and the housework is spotless. Unless maybe it's a domestic hygiene class.
Sorry I think I'm not really understanding here. He is obviously abusive (I've read your previous posts) you are terribly unhappy but won't separate yourself from him, not even for say a trial separation. Why is that?
Is there part of this situation that you are holding back from stating? (please know i'm not prying, no need to go in to any details or tell us or anyone what you don't want to).
There is something missing in your story it seems? Perhaps it will cause financial hardship? Perhaps you think he will change?
I've been in an abusive relationship, I don't want you to think I am criticizing you, i'm really not.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Originally Posted by hearthealth
My husband does not believe in therapy. It's quackery in a sense to him. It was very stressful living in the secrecy of therapy. EOB and receipts would come to the house and I worried after each session.
After reading some of your other statements it sounds like he is abusive and controlling and not ready to quit drinking. And even if he were to quit there are not guarantees that he will quit the abuse)I think I would really strongly consider leaving him or start getting things in order to that you can leave him. That's no way to live, he probably thinks it's quackery because he has not Intérêts in helping himself. Admitting it might be helpful might lead to you wanting him to go as well and then he will get called out on all his BS.
Take care of you and the kids. It is a very unhealthy environment for them to grow up in. Because they may not say anything but they know something isn't right. And seeing their dad treat their mom like ��Will teach them it's ok for an adult to treat another adult like that. As much as I'm not feeling it for my H even after a year. He never did anything like that, he was manipulative and I guess you can consider it emotional abuse but nothing like you are having to endure.
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Baby steps.
Take a deep breath.
We are here with you. We're on your side. We aren't here to tell you what to do. We're here to support you as you find your way... as you find the difference between the voice that comes from abuse and the one that comes from your gut, leading you to healing.
First awareness... you're gaining a lot of this. The rest just take one day at a time. Do things as you're ready.
(((Hugs)))
Take a deep breath.
We are here with you. We're on your side. We aren't here to tell you what to do. We're here to support you as you find your way... as you find the difference between the voice that comes from abuse and the one that comes from your gut, leading you to healing.
First awareness... you're gaining a lot of this. The rest just take one day at a time. Do things as you're ready.
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Good morning HH,
Hope you are well today. I lived in a similar situation for years with my ex, though he continued to drink.
I know that everyone here is thinking of you and your children, but I have to respectfully disagree with the posters who are suggesting Al Anon/Codependent No More at this point.
Given the information you've shared, I believe that common strategies such as detachment actually put you in more danger, as they make your husband double down on his abusive, controlling behavior when he senses the distance.
My ex did the same thing when I started trying to detach while living under the same roof.
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft was book that really helped me to understand the true nature of what my ex was doing. There's a chapter on abuse and addiction that explains it really well.
Take care, and seek out local DV resources for yourself and your children. A big part of your husband's objection to therapy is that it will expose the way he treats you and the children to an objective outsider. He has a huge investment in everyone keeping his behavior under wraps.
Hope you are well today. I lived in a similar situation for years with my ex, though he continued to drink.
I know that everyone here is thinking of you and your children, but I have to respectfully disagree with the posters who are suggesting Al Anon/Codependent No More at this point.
Given the information you've shared, I believe that common strategies such as detachment actually put you in more danger, as they make your husband double down on his abusive, controlling behavior when he senses the distance.
My ex did the same thing when I started trying to detach while living under the same roof.
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft was book that really helped me to understand the true nature of what my ex was doing. There's a chapter on abuse and addiction that explains it really well.
Take care, and seek out local DV resources for yourself and your children. A big part of your husband's objection to therapy is that it will expose the way he treats you and the children to an objective outsider. He has a huge investment in everyone keeping his behavior under wraps.
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I think that the book that Ladyscribbler suggests is very enlightening as to understanding the dynamics of abuse. It comes hightly recomended by those who work in this field.
As Ladyscribbler points out--isolation is the first tool of the abuser or controlling person.
I, also, agree that the DV direction would be the best support, for starters. They can also recommend the appropriate therapists who are experienced with this kind of situation and/or offer support groups and counseling within their organization....
***I am amazed that he "allows" for the children to have therapy, considering how restrictive he is to you, hearthealth. I admit that I don't remember the exact circumstances that precipitated their going to therapy...though, I do remember, well, how punitive he has been toward them.....
As Ladyscribbler points out--isolation is the first tool of the abuser or controlling person.
I, also, agree that the DV direction would be the best support, for starters. They can also recommend the appropriate therapists who are experienced with this kind of situation and/or offer support groups and counseling within their organization....
***I am amazed that he "allows" for the children to have therapy, considering how restrictive he is to you, hearthealth. I admit that I don't remember the exact circumstances that precipitated their going to therapy...though, I do remember, well, how punitive he has been toward them.....
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Maybe you can take this one baby step at a time. What is one single thing you can do for yourself right now? Call the hotline (you know it will be anonymous), get out for a cup of coffee with a friend, work on that class you want to take, anything to get you out and feeling better. To regain your sense of self. You deserve so much more than this. Sending huge hugs friend. Please reach out and do these things for you. We are here for you!
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He doesn't know when we have appointments or when we go until after the appointment. I pick them up after school and go there. We return before he comes home from work except for those days he comes home a little early.
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My husband doesn't believe in therapy either. But he still encourages me to go to therapy, because _I_ believe it helps me and I'm happier for it.
I suspect the real reason why your husband doesn't want you to go to therapy is because he knows deep down that he's controlling and abusive, and doesn't want you and the children to come to the same realization.
I suspect the real reason why your husband doesn't want you to go to therapy is because he knows deep down that he's controlling and abusive, and doesn't want you and the children to come to the same realization.
Last edited by PuzzledHeart; 01-26-2018 at 06:54 AM. Reason: Ditched a pronoun for a noun.
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Originally Posted by hearthealth
He doesn't know when we have appointments or when we go until after the appointment. I pick them up after school and go there. We return before he comes home from work except for those days he comes home a little early.
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Let's put the focus on you. Are you satisfied?? How YOU feel, and what YOU can change.
Thing is, there is nothing you can do to change another person. You can only change you. Please do some of the these things for YOU, and take that focus and put it where it belongs, and with something that is within your control friend.
Thing is, there is nothing you can do to change another person. You can only change you. Please do some of the these things for YOU, and take that focus and put it where it belongs, and with something that is within your control friend.
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The thing is I am genuinely happy when I'm alone, at home or activities, with my children, family or friends. I just have this spot. I don't know if it's worth upsetting the apple cart or I have to learn more coping strategies.
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Pray... and follow.
Prayer opens the mind and heart to new possibilities...
Prayer: Help!
Prayer: Thank you.
Prayer: Please show me what I need to see.
The "why" doesn't matter. When there is internal discord, there is also an internal guidance system asking to be heard.
One day at a time. Enjoy the happiness everywhere you find it.
And from my experience... upsetting the applecart was dearly needed. There were several rotten apples hidden from my view.
Prayer opens the mind and heart to new possibilities...
Prayer: Help!
Prayer: Thank you.
Prayer: Please show me what I need to see.
The "why" doesn't matter. When there is internal discord, there is also an internal guidance system asking to be heard.
One day at a time. Enjoy the happiness everywhere you find it.
And from my experience... upsetting the applecart was dearly needed. There were several rotten apples hidden from my view.
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