What is this ...
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What is this ...
I don’t necessarily feel numb but kind of...
I am (and have been) detaching but am doing it much more gracefully now. But I feel kind of “empty”. I am going on with my life and am no longer so angry that I am seeing red all the time but rather just kind of here and taking up space.
I have found a small portion of empathy for AH and what he has been and is going through.
I still need to wait on filing until this summer but I just feel, like I said, sort of empty and a little sad; although I am not crying everyday (thank heavens) like before.
I don’t love AH as a partner in my life any longer and am finding that as I am moving forward in making plans with friends and living my life he is now wanting to talk more and I am resentful almost protectful of that portion of me. I feel a little guilty but not much and am mostly wishing he would leave me alone again.
I am (and have been) detaching but am doing it much more gracefully now. But I feel kind of “empty”. I am going on with my life and am no longer so angry that I am seeing red all the time but rather just kind of here and taking up space.
I have found a small portion of empathy for AH and what he has been and is going through.
I still need to wait on filing until this summer but I just feel, like I said, sort of empty and a little sad; although I am not crying everyday (thank heavens) like before.
I don’t love AH as a partner in my life any longer and am finding that as I am moving forward in making plans with friends and living my life he is now wanting to talk more and I am resentful almost protectful of that portion of me. I feel a little guilty but not much and am mostly wishing he would leave me alone again.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Does he know you plan to file at a more convenient time?
Detachment is one thing. Holding back your truth is another, and it's going to take its toll on you.
Detachment is one thing. Holding back your truth is another, and it's going to take its toll on you.
In the meantime he is making and getting all of his dental appointment taken care of, as he is on my insurance. This was one of the reasons I told him we should wait so that he can get his teeth fixed and done (implants). If he has to get dental through his employer it is extremely expensive for him. He also did get his own checking account and is only putting in a certain amount in the joint account. I thought that would be a little freeing for him; but his first response was “you make more money than I do” implying that I should contribute more to the expenses than him. I don’t necessarily agree with that because it is due to my choices and schooling; he has not contributed to the expense of me going back to school; nor has he been very supportive....
we need to figure out how to split up the grocery bill and will have to talk about that. I have been very honest with him about my intent etcetera.
But maybe by waiting for 7 more months it is just that I am feeling antsy to move on?
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Scary Time....a couple of possibilities come to mind...(drawing on my own past experience).....
Perhaps you have completed much of your grieving over the demise of the relationship, already....in advance...and, are left with some "empty space' that used to be filled with intense emotions----like indifference....
Or, possibly....
A low level of depression that is not crippling, but, gives you a dead wooden feeling....
Do you feel this way about other areas of your life....or, just in relationship to him....?
Perhaps you have completed much of your grieving over the demise of the relationship, already....in advance...and, are left with some "empty space' that used to be filled with intense emotions----like indifference....
Or, possibly....
A low level of depression that is not crippling, but, gives you a dead wooden feeling....
Do you feel this way about other areas of your life....or, just in relationship to him....?
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I think you're definitely right in that the impending separation probably isn't "real" to him yet. I know I threatened to leave my XABF so many times that he simply stopped believing I would ever follow through (not saying that is the case here). But if he doesn't want it to be true, he may be just pretending that it isn't. His argument about not paying his share of the expenses sort of feeds into that idea -- this is all just temporary, he's not thinking, how am I going to pay for things by myself next fall? (Gotta love his argument though -- does he use less than half of the heat, gas, and electric???) As far as the grocery bill goes, perhaps each of you taking care of your own meals would go a ways towards making it clear that you are merely sharing space for the time being, not "living together" in the traditional sense.
I also think you're right that it's the "wait" that has you antsy. 7 months is a long time when you are, you know, Done. The more you think of yourselves as separated the less your living situation is going to gibe with your heart and there will definitely be discomfort there.
I also think you're right that it's the "wait" that has you antsy. 7 months is a long time when you are, you know, Done. The more you think of yourselves as separated the less your living situation is going to gibe with your heart and there will definitely be discomfort there.
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Feeling sort of wooden across the board. I try to laugh and act “happy”.
Think maybe we did “family” Christmas today and yesterday-so he was around me all the time for the most part.
Yep, dandylion you may be right - this may be a little depression.
I am now at home and by myself in the house as he is working on his truck; and I feel a bit better.
It’s like I feel better when he isn’t constantly around - it feels like he is just lurking around and waiting for me to change my mind or something. I do feel bad for him and am over the anger but I don’t want to give up myself anymore...
Think maybe we did “family” Christmas today and yesterday-so he was around me all the time for the most part.
Yep, dandylion you may be right - this may be a little depression.
I am now at home and by myself in the house as he is working on his truck; and I feel a bit better.
It’s like I feel better when he isn’t constantly around - it feels like he is just lurking around and waiting for me to change my mind or something. I do feel bad for him and am over the anger but I don’t want to give up myself anymore...
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Thanks SparkleKitty and dandylion!
And I am going to use that if it comes up again if he is using Less than 1/2 the utilities! Hahahaha! I am putting more in the joint account but not much more. I conceded because it was easier than arguing about it!
And I am going to use that if it comes up again if he is using Less than 1/2 the utilities! Hahahaha! I am putting more in the joint account but not much more. I conceded because it was easier than arguing about it!
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since you have unequal pay scales, it would easy enough to calculate a proportionate ratio of income to expenses. your income 65%, his income 35% - then you each contribute that % towards living expenses. we'll call it a sliding scale. that keeps it "fair" and withstands any arguments. also in that way when a bill comes in, you both know exactly what is expected.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
since you have unequal pay scales, it would easy enough to calculate a proportionate ratio of income to expenses. your income 65%, his income 35% - then you each contribute that % towards living expenses. we'll call it a sliding scale. that keeps it "fair" and withstands any arguments. also in that way when a bill comes in, you both know exactly what is expected.
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Scary Time.....he is "living in the large, detached garage, right now...right?....or, did I just make that up?? (like the Secretary of State...I forget a lot of stuff...lol)....
If so...maybe, you could use that as practice time...for the eventual....
That would mean that he doesn't hang in the rest of the house to stay engaged...Ask him to consider the garage as his rented bachelor pad...
Keep yourself as structured as humanly possible, on your own activities....like a single woman would (still keep the sexual fidelity part of the marriage, though)....
Find some new interests and hobbies/activities....even if you have to force yourself to do so. Whole idea is to keep more of a physical and emotional distance. Avoid the horizontal tango, at all costs (wink)........
This is going to take a whole lot of adjusting....so, might as well get started on this, now. You can use your own time to keep reading from our library and, learning to adjust your new filter....
When I divorced my first husband...my children's father...I live in the same house with him for three months, after I filed...before he was willing to sign the separation agreement.....with him crying and begging, much of that time. The reason--he claimed that he couldn't afford a place of his own....He made m ore money than me..but he was as tight as Dick's hat band! I took a second job in order to give him money for a down payment on an apartment and to buy another car....I was already working full time....
That was a tough three months! I was tired, but had to keep going, because I could smell the sweet smell of freedom! That smell kept me going in my soul, even though my body was tired......
Working the two jobs and taking care of the kids kept my mind off of him and away from him, for the most part.....sweet......
If so...maybe, you could use that as practice time...for the eventual....
That would mean that he doesn't hang in the rest of the house to stay engaged...Ask him to consider the garage as his rented bachelor pad...
Keep yourself as structured as humanly possible, on your own activities....like a single woman would (still keep the sexual fidelity part of the marriage, though)....
Find some new interests and hobbies/activities....even if you have to force yourself to do so. Whole idea is to keep more of a physical and emotional distance. Avoid the horizontal tango, at all costs (wink)........
This is going to take a whole lot of adjusting....so, might as well get started on this, now. You can use your own time to keep reading from our library and, learning to adjust your new filter....
When I divorced my first husband...my children's father...I live in the same house with him for three months, after I filed...before he was willing to sign the separation agreement.....with him crying and begging, much of that time. The reason--he claimed that he couldn't afford a place of his own....He made m ore money than me..but he was as tight as Dick's hat band! I took a second job in order to give him money for a down payment on an apartment and to buy another car....I was already working full time....
That was a tough three months! I was tired, but had to keep going, because I could smell the sweet smell of freedom! That smell kept me going in my soul, even though my body was tired......
Working the two jobs and taking care of the kids kept my mind off of him and away from him, for the most part.....sweet......
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People believe what they want to believe. I have a girl friend who divorced her angry husband last March. He text her the other day angry that step daughter wouldn't see him while home for college. He had a gift for and was mad. Now almost a year divorced, he sent her a pix of his boxes still in his living room, telling her that he has to renew his lease in March, if she wanted him to move back home he needs to tell her now. This is just crazy.
IMO -Divorce takes about a year through the process. You wait till August, then he tells you he has no attorney, no money, has no place to go, so you miss selling the home during peak season, then you are stuck another 6 months. I would file now and it takes 8 months that he will still be on your insurance anyway, just set a date after he is done. You would be years away, that would just kill me....
IMO -Divorce takes about a year through the process. You wait till August, then he tells you he has no attorney, no money, has no place to go, so you miss selling the home during peak season, then you are stuck another 6 months. I would file now and it takes 8 months that he will still be on your insurance anyway, just set a date after he is done. You would be years away, that would just kill me....
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Originally Posted by ScaryTime
I don’t necessarily feel numb but kind of...
I am (and have been) detaching but am doing it much more gracefully now. But I feel kind of “empty”. I am going on with my life and am no longer so angry that I am seeing red all the time but rather just kind of here and taking up space.
I have found a small portion of empathy for AH and what he has been and is going through.
I still need to wait on filing until this summer but I just feel, like I said, sort of empty and a little sad; although I am not crying everyday (thank heavens) like before.
I don’t love AH as a partner in my life any longer and am finding that as I am moving forward in making plans with friends and living my life he is now wanting to talk more and I am resentful almost protectful of that portion of me. I feel a little guilty but not much and am mostly wishing he would leave me alone again.
I am (and have been) detaching but am doing it much more gracefully now. But I feel kind of “empty”. I am going on with my life and am no longer so angry that I am seeing red all the time but rather just kind of here and taking up space.
I have found a small portion of empathy for AH and what he has been and is going through.
I still need to wait on filing until this summer but I just feel, like I said, sort of empty and a little sad; although I am not crying everyday (thank heavens) like before.
I don’t love AH as a partner in my life any longer and am finding that as I am moving forward in making plans with friends and living my life he is now wanting to talk more and I am resentful almost protectful of that portion of me. I feel a little guilty but not much and am mostly wishing he would leave me alone again.
Signs of growth, healing and coming into a new awareness.
These aren't easy things, my friend. Kudos to you and all you're doing!!! It takes a huge amount of bravery and courage to step forward into this and you're doing this beautifully.
Take time to honor yourself and all the emotional changes you're going through.
The breaking open of seeds, growth of new roots, new branches and leaves... stretching out to the sun and down into the earth... honor the very NATURAL and FLUID changes that take place during growth.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Scary Time.....he is "living in the large, detached garage, right now...right?....or, did I just make that up?? (like the Secretary of State...I forget a lot of stuff...lol)....
If so...maybe, you could use that as practice time...for the eventual....
That would mean that he doesn't hang in the rest of the house to stay engaged...Ask him to consider the garage as his rented bachelor pad...
Keep yourself as structured as humanly possible, on your own activities....like a single woman would (still keep the sexual fidelity part of the marriage, though)....
Find some new interests and hobbies/activities....even if you have to force yourself to do so. Whole idea is to keep more of a physical and emotional distance. Avoid the horizontal tango, at all costs (wink)........
This is going to take a whole lot of adjusting....so, might as well get started on this, now. You can use your own time to keep reading from our library and, learning to adjust your new filter....
If so...maybe, you could use that as practice time...for the eventual....
That would mean that he doesn't hang in the rest of the house to stay engaged...Ask him to consider the garage as his rented bachelor pad...
Keep yourself as structured as humanly possible, on your own activities....like a single woman would (still keep the sexual fidelity part of the marriage, though)....
Find some new interests and hobbies/activities....even if you have to force yourself to do so. Whole idea is to keep more of a physical and emotional distance. Avoid the horizontal tango, at all costs (wink)........
This is going to take a whole lot of adjusting....so, might as well get started on this, now. You can use your own time to keep reading from our library and, learning to adjust your new filter....
I realize that waiting to file will get us out of peak season for selling the house and such. But, even if it takes a bit longer after filing it will give us a chance to get everything out of here. He says he wants the house, but I know he cannot afford it and buy me out. I am quite certain we will end up selling.
I do have somewhere to go with my dogs while the house is on the market.
I am just trying to be sensible about this as I don’t want either one of us to get financially devastated with this. There is no reason for that. We have no children, just the house and the property that it is on. I thought for awhile that I wanted it but he was kind of a stinker about that when I mentioned it and when I sat and thought a bit more about it I don’t want it.
For me even now it just holds a lot of broken dreams...ok crying now, <sigh>
Kind of a relief cuz I was feeling a bit robotic all weekend.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Avoid the horizontal tango, at all costs (wink)........
This is going to take a whole lot of adjusting....so, might as well get started on this, now. You can use your own time to keep reading from our library and, learning to adjust your new filter....
This is going to take a whole lot of adjusting....so, might as well get started on this, now. You can use your own time to keep reading from our library and, learning to adjust your new filter....
Yes I have bought most of the books recommended on here; also bought awhile back “loving someone in recovery” although I haven’t opened it. I have the al anon books, co dependent no more, and adult children of alcoholics (which I have to my stepdaughter to read), and the wealth of information on this site.
I also have a fiction book when I just want to “get away” from co dependency, alcoholism, and everything. I am learning a lot about myself as well as other people and relationships etc. I just so wish it hadn’t taken this situation for me to grow.
Thanks all for the comments, helped a lot. Always does!
Hugs and peace to you all!
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You might want to consider consulting with a divorce lawyer sooner rather than later. Depending on where you live, you continuing to keep him on your insurance and financially support him for the next eight months could establish a pattern that could bite you later.
Not to mention that if he goes nuts with your credit or gets himself in an OUI or other legal mess you could be damaged significantly financially.
Besides, it sounds like you’re over it. Eight months is a long time to waste on a deadend, yes?
Not to mention that if he goes nuts with your credit or gets himself in an OUI or other legal mess you could be damaged significantly financially.
Besides, it sounds like you’re over it. Eight months is a long time to waste on a deadend, yes?
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
You might want to consider consulting with a divorce lawyer sooner rather than later. Depending on where you live, you continuing to keep him on your insurance and financially support him for the next eight months could establish a pattern that could bite you later.
Not to mention that if he goes nuts with your credit or gets himself in an OUI or other legal mess you could be damaged significantly financially.
Besides, it sounds like you’re over it. Eight months is a long time to waste on a deadend, yes?
Not to mention that if he goes nuts with your credit or gets himself in an OUI or other legal mess you could be damaged significantly financially.
Besides, it sounds like you’re over it. Eight months is a long time to waste on a deadend, yes?
I was going to consult an attorney last week but I don’t even know how to go about retaining on? Like do I just look on the internet and pick one?
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To find an attorney: pray, and follow. Put your heart, anger and exhaustion into the feeling of the prayer. Let yourself be lead to the right attorney you need.
As for understanding and comprehending... this is very doubtful during active alcoholism when we're trying to get through to the alcoholic.
The alcoholic's fears grow bigger as the disease progresses. Some fears will be focused on relentlessly, other fears will manifest into accusations and anger.
My husband had been told that if he relapsed and wasn't honest about it he would no longer have a job, yet when that happened he completely didn't comprehend it and was trying to keep working even as he was physically and mentally unable to.
My husband also feared me leaving, yet it seems the reality didn't hit until after I was gone.
As for understanding and comprehending... this is very doubtful during active alcoholism when we're trying to get through to the alcoholic.
The alcoholic's fears grow bigger as the disease progresses. Some fears will be focused on relentlessly, other fears will manifest into accusations and anger.
My husband had been told that if he relapsed and wasn't honest about it he would no longer have a job, yet when that happened he completely didn't comprehend it and was trying to keep working even as he was physically and mentally unable to.
My husband also feared me leaving, yet it seems the reality didn't hit until after I was gone.
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Scary Time......you wo uld probably benefit from the following website....it addresses most all areas of divorce....including how to retain a lawyer...
It is educational in nature and is organized by state....
It could, also, help you to organize your thoughts and questions, for when you do meet with a lawyer.....
www.womansdivorce.com
It is educational in nature and is organized by state....
It could, also, help you to organize your thoughts and questions, for when you do meet with a lawyer.....
www.womansdivorce.com
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